Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic

by Good Christian Ethesto

Flibbity flashbacks

Authors note: Some day this story will be featured. Just kidding! They only feature popular stories.
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"So we start killing them a bunch and they're all quitting until there's only two people left on their team. I don't even remember what the map was called, all of those forge world maps are the same to me. Of course, we were playing one bomb, but I really don't give a shit about the objective. My objective is always to kill the other team. My team, on the other hand, really wanted to role play terrorists and plant the bomb in their base for some reason. Now, I don't support terrorism, so I decided to help the other team out a bit. Needless to say, I grabbed the bomb before any of my teammates could and ran away with it."

"Now here's a tip that will probably save your lives in the future; don't piss off terrorists. As soon as my teammates realized that I wasn't putting the bomb in the enemy's base they decided that they wanted me dead. So now I had six angry halo Al Qaedas chasing me around with assault rifles trying to murder me. Thankfully my friend was there to drive me away on a mangoose."

"Of course halo terrorists are nothing if not persistent. After driving around the map half a dozen times they finally flipped us with a grenade and murdered my friend. At this point, I did the only thing I could do. I ran inside the base while they all chased after me. The next few minutes was me running around screaming while I was being chased by six other halos who were trying to punch and shoot me with assault rifles. Thankfully, they were all really scared of getting booted so they were trying to not be the one to kill me. Even then, I nearly died multiple times."

"Surprisingly, I was able to run around the entire map another two times without them killing me and now I was back in my base. Unfortunately, they hadn't let up their attack, and now they were even trying to stick me with grenades. They could have just asked for the bomb, but I don't negotiate with terrorists. Needless to say, I was fucking terrified at this point. I wanted out, but I couldn't just let them have the bomb, not after running around the map with it for eight minutes. So I turned around and smacked the closest halo in the face with my bomb, killing him instantly. The next few seconds consisted of a betrayal spree that would go down in history as I smacked four more of them with the bomb. Unfortunately I was then booted. My one regret, is that I didn't betray more of them."

The three ponies I was walking with just looked at me like I was a maniac while Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie just sat on my head. Then Rainbow Dash finally spoke up. "When I asked if you had any cool stories, I meant about fighting aliens."

Oh. That's a common mistake I guess. I just thought she meant cool stories in general, because I'm full of cool stories... Bro. "Oh, why didn't you say so? I have tons of cool stories from the war. Now let's see... Oh, there was this one time, me and a halo friend were going through some canyons killing a bunch of aliens."

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Cue epic flashback
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Hump hump hump. I was humping a gold elite, like a winner. "Come on!" Yelled my friend into his helmet mic.

"I'm obligated to hump!" I yelled back as I finished humping. I looked up to see him driving a fork lift at me very slowly. "What the fuck, I want to get on!" I then jumped onto the front of it while he drove me at a few aliens. It didn't work very well and we nearly died. After a while we got to a spot with a clear road and some mangooses for us to drive. It was obvious that we could just use the mangooses to avoid a huge army of aliens down the road, so we were about to get into those.

Then I saw something even better. "Fuck that, let's get in these trucks." I ran over and got into an abandoned truck on the side of the road while my friend did the same. Of course, for some reason, the trucks only drove like five miles an hour. Oh well, I wasn't going to complain. We drove down the road in peace for a little while until we came to a large field.

Only problem was, this field was completely filled with aliens. They even had these giant purple crab robots.

"Awwwwww shit! Drive drive!" We then drove through the field very slowly while getting shot at by a ton of stuff and somehow we avoided all kinds of explosives. I even managed to hit one or two of them with the truck. Eventually, we got far enough away, and somehow we weren't dead. Of course, I got cocky at having survived through all of the aliens. My carelessness came at a price.

My friend then rammed his truck into the side of mine and pushed me off the side of the road and over a huge cliff. "BOB SAGGIT!" I yelled as I fell down and eventually exploded. Thankfully, he lived, so I was able to respawn. But then I had to walk the rest of the way. I would have made a great truck driver. You know, if the planet wasn't being destroyed by aliens.

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Rainbow Dash didn't look very enthusiastic about the story. "So you're telling me that there was an alien invasion going on, and you and your friend were running around doing stupid stuff and killing each other? That doesn't even make sense, if you died, you wouldn't be... Well... Alive..."

"Well when we died we just kinda' revived. Don't ask me how it works, I don't know... Besides, if you can't have fun during an alien invasion, then the aliens have already won." I had plenty of stories of times that I murdered tongs of aliens, but those aren't any fun. The memorable ones are the funny ones.

At this point we had stopped walking and found a little lounge area where we were sitting around. Rainbow Dash sighed and flew up next to my head. She clearly wanted to hear some glorious war stories, but I wasn't going to give them to her. "Well do you have any other stories?"

I smiled at her, at least I think I did. I'm still not entirely sure whether I have a face or not. "Of course I do. I'm literally full of stories."

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Once again, five of my friends and I were at hemorrhoid being a big group and stuff. Not to brag, but we usually just own everyone on that map. This game was a perfect example of us owning as we weren't even trying to do the objective and we had two flag caps and a ton of kills. It was kinda' disappointing though because the other team all started to quit. Before long, it was just two of them left and so I decided to have some fun.

One of my friends decided to grab the flag so I drove him at the two remaining enemies on the mongoose while he hit them with it. I'm pretty sure I was singing the song from the Titanic at the time just with lyrics that described what I was doing, so here you go. I know, I always sing really unfitting songs. It was pretty fun, until one of the relevants our teammate was driving decided to betray my friend. I then picked up the flag only to notice there was only fifteen seconds left in the game.

Everyone else noticed as well and they all seemed to want to capture the flag. It then turned into five people, including some of my friends, trying to murder me. This consisted of two relevants a Danny phantom and some guys with DMR's. I did the most sensible thing I could at the moment, and jumped onto the alien tank. "Drive me the fuck outa here!" I yelled. Thankfully, it was one of my friends in it and we soon started to boost across the field towards our base while the game went into overtime.

I just crouched on the tank, right in front of the gun, while our greedy teammates shot at us with their relevants. Everything was going good, until I saw a red guy run out of the front of our base carrying our flag. I honestly have no idea how he managed to get into our base to start with. Then I realized exactly what was about to happen as the tank turned towards the red halo guy. I was about to yell something along the lines of 'Don't shoot that halo!' when we both suddenly exploded.

Of course, he tried to kill him while I was standing right in front of the tank gun and the shot killed us. Now that I was dead, they killed the red guy so overtime ended and no one got to capture the flag. It was a big dissapoint.
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As soon as I finished my story Rarity entered the room carrying something behind her back. It had only been about an hour since she swagged me out, so it was surprising to see her so soon. "Why hello Halo man, I made something for you. Now you don't need to wear those poor ponies on your head anymore." She then levitated a purple hat in front of me.

To avoid describing it for you, here's a picture.

Rarity literally made me a pimp hat... Shit son. It even had a big purple gem on the front, Rarity must really like making things with gems. I reached out to grab the hat, but she moved it out of my reach. "Not until you take the ponies off your head."

Awwww, no more head ponies... Oh well, I shoulda' known it wouldn't last forever. I believe it was Albert Einstein that once said 'If you love something, you have to let it go'. "Awwww fine..." I then took Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie off my head and put them on a nearby chair. Now satisfied, Rarity placed the hat upon my helmet. It fit perfectly, I have no idea how she made it so fast, so I asked her.

"How did you make this so fast?"

"Why, I'm not the greatest fashion designer in Equestria for no reason. I could make hats in my sleep."

"Wait, so you're a fashion designer and you're in a band?"

The ponies all gave me a questioning look. "In a band?"

Perhaps my assumptions were wrong. "Yeah, the elements of harmonics or something. I assumed it was a band."

All of the ponies facehoofed. They have a bad habit of doing that whenever I say anything. "No it's not a band..." Ok, well now I feel stupid.

"Huh, well I guess I assumed wrong. Do you guys want to go see Celestia or something? I'm sure she'd love to see how my armor looks now." Yeah, I changed the subject so I didn't continue to look like an idiot.

"That's a great idea Halo man. She should be getting done with her day court right now so hopefully she won't be too busy. I've been wanting to talk to her more since I got here. We don't get to spend much time together now that I moved to Ponyville." Ponyville.... Who would name a town that? Whatever, subject change successful!

With that said, we all followed Twilight as she led us to where she thought the princess would be. We only walked for like thirty seconds before we came to the throne room. I recognized it from when Shining Armor dragged me there earlier in the day. Just like before there were two guards standing on either side of the big doors to the room and as we approached they looked shocked to see me. I thought they had gotten used to my appearance by now.

"Hey, is the princess busy? We would like to talk to her." Said Twilight to one of the guards who finally pulled his attention from me.

"She doesn't have anything scheduled right now but... We just let that guy in a second ago." He pointed at me while saying this.

"Well that doesn't make any sense, I've been with the ponies for the last two hours..." The guards looked at each other and then looked back at me.

"Perhaps we should go inside to see what's going on." We then all rushed through the doors into the throne room. It didn't take long for me to realize why the guards thought they had let me in, there was another halo man that looked exactly like me standing in the middle of the room talking to Celestia. Well, he looked just like me, but without the gems and the hat. As we bolted in she looked confused and the other halo man turned and looked at me.

Yep, he's a copy of me alright. Perhaps I reproduced a-sexually while I was asleep or something. Or magic, magic could explain this situation. Wait, what if he's the real me, and I'm the clone! Of course, I couldn't think about the subjects for very long because Celestia started talking. "What is the meaning of this? Halo man, why are there two of you?"

"One of them must be a changeling!" Twilight yelled while pointing an accusing hoof at the other me. Oh, so apparently changelings look exactly like me, that explains everything.

Then Applejack looked at me with an inquisitive eye. "This Halo man has got his weapons and he was tellin' us all kinds of crazy stories, so the other one must be the imposter!"

Everyone then returned their attention to the other halo man who was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. Then, in the blink of an eye, he pulled a short dagger out of nowhere and started running at the princess. My quick halo reflexes kicked into action and I sprinted at the other halo. Thankfully, I have sprint on instead of something stupid like armor cock or jet pack.

I easily caught up to him before he reached the throne and punched him in the back, which killed him. Now with his dead body on the ground it was time to get some answers. "Alright, can someone explain to me why there was another halo here?" As if to answer my question, the body of the former halo disappeared in a sudden rush of green flames which were snuffed out as quickly as they came.

What was left on the ground was what looked like a mix between a bug and a pony. It probably could have passed as a normal black unicorn if it weren't for the bug wings, fangs, random leg holes, and weird eyes. "Ummm, dafuq?"

Then Celestia trotted up next to the body. "Oh no, changelings, in the castle? This confirms my fears. Guards, get Shining Armor immediately!" Alright, I guess THIS is a changeling. Now that I think about it, the name makes sense since it was clearly able to change into a copy of me.

Too bad I had to kill him, all he wanted was... CHANGE! Ahahaha, oh that joke doesn't make any sense. Maybe it would if he was homeless or an Obama Supporter. Or both. So a homeless Obama supporting changeling walks into a bar and asks, got any change? Ok, no. I'm done now, I don't think that even qualifies as a joke. That's just stupid.

I was interrupted from my internal monologue as none other than Shining Armor ran into the room. Apparently the guards could forget about trying to find him. "Princess Celestia, we've spotted a swarm of changelings coming this way! They'll be here in the hour!"

Comments

[Lionheart]

WHY DIDNT HE HUMP THE CHANGELING?

[RedDeadElite]

Oooh shit! Dis gettin' gud.

[Dartagnen]

"Ummm...Dafuq?" Yes...Just, yes. Love the story.

[icantthinkofausername123]

Too bad I had to kill him, all he wanted was... CHANGE! Ahahaha, oh that joke doesn't make any sense. Maybe it would if he was homeless or an Obama Supporter. Or both. So a homeless Obama supporting changeling walks into a bar and asks, got any change? Ok, no. I'm done now, I don't think that even qualifies as a joke. That's just stupid.

laugh intensifies