Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic

by Good Christian Ethesto

Sleepy time with Halo man

I went and laid on the big, red blanket-clad bed. It was really soft for some reason, even though I was wearing a thick set of halo armor. I couldn't help but think about how weird of a situation I was in. A few hours ago I was killing halos in a never ending slaughterfest... Now I'm laying on a bed in a nice castle with a bunch of happy talking pony aliens. Thankfully this world still had the universal constant of 'magic' to help me explain everything. The ponies even seem to embrace the idea, other halos always thought I was stupid for mentioning it.

"Hehe, who's stupid now?" I mumbled. "I'm hanging out with ponies." I realized that this wouldn't last forever though, I enjoyed killing halos. I would want them to send me back once all of this was done. Hopefully they could, I never really asked them. Oh well.

I laid there for a few more minutes before I came to the realization that I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, I haven't slept in God knows how long. I think I completely forgot how to. I rolled around a bit, hoping that the memory of something as simple as sleeping would come back to me. Unfortunately, after at least fifteen minutes of just laying there I still wasn't asleep.

"Perhaps I should ask for help." I realized at that point just how stupid that would sound. Who the hell doesn't know how to sleep? It's like if I walk up to the ponies and ask, 'Hey, how do I go to the bathroom?'...

Wait a second... "HOW DO I GO TO THE BATHROOM?!" With this suit on I'd probably have to pee on my leg if it came to that. I really don't want to pee on my leg...

Perhaps if I make it sound like a joke they won't think too much about it. Yes! This was a perfect plan! "By the halo gods I will learn how to sleep!" Halo gods...? Do those even exist? Dang, why don't I know anything? I never even thought about these things until I came here, I was too busy fighting halos constantly to think about such hard questions. Perhaps this whole 'going to a new world' thing is just making me think about things. Whatever, I'll have plenty of time to think while I'm sleeping. I think that's how it works, I honestly don't know anything about sleeping.

With that thought I exited my room into the now empty hallway outside. They were all in their own rooms and it was fairly quiet, they were probably sleeping. "I wish I could sleep." I pouted. Then I walked up to one of the doors and knocked on it a few times with my hand. I didn't even think of how rude it would be if I was waking them up until after I knocked. Perhaps I should just go back to my room...

Then the door swung open to reveal the pink pony. She was wearing a huge smile like always and thankfully it didn't look like I woke her. It would be hard to tell, her hair is always pretty ruffled, but she didn't seem tired.

"Hey there! Ooooh, did you come to my room to have a slumber party?! Did you not tell the others? Oh I see, its because I'm your favorite pony isn't it?" She stopped talking for long enough to lean over and poke me with one elbow and give a wink. I wasn't sure, but I think she was implying something.

I just chuckled to myself awkwardly. "Actually I was hoping you could help me with something. I don't think I know how to sleep..." I chuckled again and rubbed my arm.

She gave another wink and her smile changed. "I know how to help you sleep..." She said that in a very seductive voice. This was getting awkward, now I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. I don't have much experience with girl halos because most of them think it's really weird when I hump people. I think I even started to sweat a little under my helmet.

"Oh my, is it hot in here? Why don't you come in and I'll help you out of that armor..."

Oh shit, now I'm sure she was hitting on me! "Umm, haha... Good one Pinkie Pie... I'm just going to go back to my room and sleep now... You know I'll just go and............" I left the last part open hoping she would give me a hint or something. In retrospect it must have sounded really stupid. Of course, her answer didn't help much either.

"And eat cake?"

I stared at her for a second. Is eating cake the key to sleeping? I decided to question her on it. "Why would I eat cake if I was trying to sleep?"

She just shrugged with her pony shoulders. For some reason ponies have shoulders. "You can use it as a pillow or something."

A pillow! Of course! It's so obvious!

Step 1: Pillow

Step 2: ???

Step 3: Sleep

Step 4: ???

Step 5: Profit

Now I just need to figure out steps 2 and 4. Step 4 can wait, though, I need to figure out how to sleep first! Wait a second, how do pillows even work? Oh god, this is just one problem after another! "Ok, let's just pretend that I don't know how pillows work for a few seconds. Why don't you explain to me how I would use one."

"Hahaha, you're funny. Everypony knows how to use pillows! You just put your head on them silly!"

Aha! Of course, it's so obvious! You put your head on them! She has unintentionally given me information vital to my sleep! Muahahah, the fool! Then again, this is common knowledge. Perhaps I'm the fool here...

"Yeah, I was just joking about the pillow. Who doesn't know how to use a pillow? Haha..." I started to rub my arm some more for some reason. "Of course you still haven't answered my question about how to sleep."

Pinkie puckered her lips before answering. "How about you come in and I show you." She then turned around and rubbed her tail across my leg as she walked further into the room. This couldn't end well, but at the moment I was at the mercy of this pony. I have absolutely no idea how to sleep! 'Son, you gone get raped!' For some reason the voice in my head is really keen on pointing out whenever my butt is i danger. Perhaps I developed this from years of humping and thus being humped back by angry halos.

I walked into the room a bit to see Pinkie Pie standing next to her bed with a devious smile on her face. "Come over here cutie and I'll show you all you need to know about sleeping." I couldn't help but gulp after the way she said it. The voice in my head was yelling at me to abort before it's too late, but I needed to do this. If I don't learn how to sleep now, when will I ever learn? Perhaps she'll make me breakfast afterwards...

I walked over to the bed and stood next to Pinkie Pie. This was the moment of the truth.

"Alright, here's how you go to sleep." She simply got up on the bed, laid down, and fell asleep with master precision. It only took her a few seconds. But what did she do that allowed her to sleep?! I climbed on the bed next to her and examined her body to find what switch she had activated to allow her to sleep.

At least I was doing it somewhat right before. Alright, I got on the bed. That's easy enough. Next I laid down in what felt like a natural way. Ok, she did that too, I think I'm on the right track here. But what did she do after that? I examined her sleeping form again and noticed something strange. Her eyes weren't open, normally ponies keep their eyes open. But wait! That must mean the key to sleeping is closing your eyes! Yes! It was so obvious! Why didn't I see it before?!

I got up off the bed and did a little victory dance before running back to my room, I didn't even close the door on my way out. Admittedly, I was pretty excited about trying to sleep. I burst into my room and ran to the bed where I promptly laid down and closed my eyes. Yes! I was doing it! I was going to sleep!

Wait, was I asleep now? How do I tell? I'm not sure why, but I think it's supposed to feel different than being awake. I laid there like that for a solid ten minutes before I finally fell asleep for real.

I had a good dream about me and my halo friends' shenanigans. We suddenly spawned in Hemorrhoid (Hemorrhage), and me and one of my friends ran toward the nearest car. We'd done this dozens of times, he drives and I get on the turret in the back. We get soooo many kills. I'm just too good at aiming for other halos. As we drove towards the hill in the middle of the map I started singing. I always sing stupid songs and change the lyrics to describe what I'm doing, it's fun.

"Twenty five years and my life is still, trying to drive up that great big hill in Hemorrhoid. In a halo car!" That's four non blondes' what's going on, made popular by He-man. Then I saw a relevant (Revenant, or a purple alien car for those of you who don't know what that is) driving at us and I promptly targeted that. Luckily, my driver is a champ and was able to expertly dodge the big pink explodies that it was shooting at us. It was actually more like him swerving around and getting lucky.

I just continued to spam bullets at it with my turret as it gave chase and soon it was on fire! Yes, we were going to kill it! Then suddenly blue explosions, thousands of them! I just floated there looking at my body under a pile of burning warthog debris trying to figure out what the hell just happened while the respawn timer beeped away. Then I heard one of my friends laughing really hard on his halo mic. "OH MY GOD! AHAHAHAHA! I think I accidently hit you guys..." For some reason he does that a lot with the tank... As soon as I respawned I looked over and sure enough, one of my friends was driving in the tank.

"GOD DAMNIT!" I yelled.

Next thing I knew I was in some stupid forge world map as an alien man. Yeah, for some reason, we all randomly turn into aliens sometimes. It's the same thing but we can roll and we spawn with different weapons. It's sad really, rolling was the best thing ever. Then for some reason, every halo in the world forgot how to roll one day. I don't know how that works, but I miss it. Anyways, I was rolling around shooting people with my purple alien rifle when I realized something very important. Apparently aliens have a secondary weapon! Who knew?

So, being the curious little halo turned alien that I was, I pulled it out and decided to use it for the lol's. If you must know, the weapon is the plasma pistol which you can charge up to EMP and therefore remove the shields of other halos or aliens. So I did just that. I ran up to an alien, EMP'd him and then punched him in the face. He died instantly... I had the stupidest grin on my halo face as I realized how much fun I could have with this. So I ran around 'noob comboing', as people call it, the whole game. I have more class than that, though, so I call it 'EMPee pee punching' instead. It's kinda' an inside joke from my family, but I don't think it's hard to guess what a 'pee pee punch' is.

Of course I humped every single person I EMPee pee punched, who would I be if I didn't? And then I got an angry message from some kid who was mad about getting humped. It was lol's and I sent him a message where I diagnosed him as 'butt-hurt'. Jokes on him, I'm not even a doctor!

Then I woke up. The light was shining on my visor through a nearby window. I didn't care though, I had slept! I think I even had dreams! This was the greatest moment ever! I got up on the bed and jumped into the air yelling, "Mission accomplished!"

Comments

[Good Christian Ethesto]

756533
Glad you like it. I really wasn't sure what people would think of this while I was writing it.

[cocksucker69]

I liked it.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

756567
I don't know what to say so I'll just spam ponymoticons

thanks!

[PinkiePiesPartyPerson]

As man has reached twords the hevens, we have always strived for greatness. In the fields of art, music, art and music, rare achievements always being strived for... In the pantheon of writing their is a new member, taking it's rightfully place among the great works made by men like Dante and Lewis carol. And halo man has taken this place

[Mist]

757624 Are you arguing semantics?

[Desert Tortoise 22]

Who else reads this in rvb Sarge's voice narrating, but Church or Doc's voice speaking?