Rise of the Apple Princess

by Astral Phoenix

"Titlecard"

Written by:
Astral Phoenix

Co-Author's:
FeatherB & EverfreePony

Proofread & Edited by:
PoisonClaw
Rainstream
RQK
Azure Drache

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Author's Note:

Special thanks once again to Novaintellus for designing this title card. This is something that I had planned while working on Chapter 2. I wanted to include something to make my fanfic to make it stand-out, original and make it a little different from other fanfics. What do you guys think?

Also, remember to give credit to those, listed above, who are helping me with my fanfic. Cause without them I don't think this would be ever possible.

Comments

[EverfreePony]

You said I should check out first two chapters of your story... site-wise, this is the second chapter, so my job ends here (Seriously now, I'll check out the true Chapter 2 later, now there are other things that need my attention.) Anyway, here is your mini-review.

So, let's start with this 'Titlecard' page first. It's nice and all and surely you don't see it in every story, but... why is it put there like a secong chapter, rather than the very first? This is not a movie that has some opening scene that then leads to an epic reveal of the movie's stylized title. Imagine a reader is really enthralled by the first chapter and now eagerly jumps onto the next one, completely swallowed by the plot's atmosphere. But instead, the reader finds himself/herself here. What most likely happens? Either he/she starts reading about all those awesome folks, breaking out the story's atmosphere or he/she skips this page ultimately and thus ignores the credit these people deserve. Just something for you to ponder on...

As for the story descriptions and first chapter:
The long description is nice and proposes a lot of hooks and foundations for an interesting story - thus it serves its purpose, catching the reader's attention. However if I spotted the short description first, I don't think I'd be hyped to read this story. There are two main reasons for that. First, it makes the story sound rather like an ultimate random story than a mysterious adventure with bits of comedy I reckon this will be. And second, it's one overly long sentence with as much information crammed into it as possible - I think such a form also ignites the 'random' issue mentioned above. What I'd suggest is to split it up into a bunch of shorter sentences. So, now onto the Chapter 1.

Your grammar is solid and your descriptions accurate, the reader knows what's going on. Your vocabulary is moderately rich, you don't repeat words too often, but it's also not a level of cleverly crafted original descriptions.

Upon acquainting myself with the long description, I was expecting something utterly different. I personally didn't find the chapter as intriguing and hooking as the description was. The chapter itself could have been a shorter one-shot with slightly dark, open ending and I wouldn't notice. It surely wasn't badly-written, but I find it missing the tension that should accompany the events described. The lack of tension then results in the missing hook.
I think that is mostly caused by your way of describing and the pace tied to that. Don't take me wrong, your description of the forest upon Apple Bloom's waking up was nice, but you kept the description in similar manner even during scenes that required action and faster pace. (Descriptions slow down the pace considerably.) To write tension and action, you should use as little description of surroundings as possible, letting the story flow in shorter, plain sentences. For example, I wouldn't call those shorter and plain:

She looked up to notice some unusual trees leaning in toward one another and forming some sort of an entrance. It seemed to lead to another part of the forest, but where it went she couldn’t tell.

Yet, those were taken out of the chapter in a spot where the tension should be building up.

So, in the end, this surely isn't a bad story, but I wouldn't call it a great one either. I'll see what the next chapters may bring.

[Astral Phoenix]

8264003

Thank you for your advice on the "Title card" you were right. I did intend to make seem like an opening to a movie of sorts. I thought that having the Title card after the prologue would leave the readers in suspense on what would likely happen but also I was thinking of making it like the show where you get the opening of the show then the title. I thought at first it was a good idea but I agree with what you said. Hopefully, now that I moved the title card it would be a lot better.

Also, I'm now trying to redo the short description as you mentioned and I may have come up with something that may be better. How's this?

After waking from what to have felt like a nightmare but with no memory of what it was about Apple Bloom is surprised to discover that she has somehow become an Alicorn! In order to find out how this has happened the Mane 6 journey to Canterlot to speak with Princess Celestia but when they find that both she and Luna have disappeared things are about to become a real nightmare!

[billykilly]

Thats a nice Title card right there!