• Member Since 7th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Astral Phoenix


Both an MLP and WWE fanatic, interesting combo.

E
Source

After waking up from a nightmare she has little memory of, Apple Bloom is stunned to discover that she has become a fully-fledged alicorn! She quickly heads to Twilight's castle, in hopes that the princess will be able to shed some light on her sudden transformation.

Unfortunately, Twilight is just as baffled as the new Alicorn filly, leaving only Celestia herself to possibly have the answer. But both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have gone missing, leaving more questions than answers.

Could Apple Bloom's dream have a connection to their disappearance?

Is there a dark force behind it all?

And most importantly to Apple Bloom; does she still have to go to school?


Cover-Art designed by: Novaintellus


When your whole life has changed, who's going to remain by your side? - Novaintellus


Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 92 )

Looks like an interesting idea. I'll keep an eye out for this, see where it’ll go.

Well hey it's up. Interesting title there. I'll have to follow this to see where it goes

All the edits were certainly an adventure, but I'm happy to see it out. Best of luck, Apple Bloom. :derpytongue2:

Unfortunately, Twilight is just as baffled as the new Alicorn filly, leaving only Celestia herself who could possibly have the answer.

Decapitalize "alicorn", and change "who could" to "to".

Also as a personal nitpick, I dislike leading questions in descriptions of stories

This is an interesting concept with a good start. A little too early to call a full opinion of it. I am greatly looking forward to more.

Same opinion as everyone else. Interesting idea, concept is neat, and done well so far. But too early in the game to decide if the overall story is good or not.

However, this is defiently something to keep an eye on. Canon wise, the known ascended alicorns were actively doing something and opened up a particular branch of magic. I'm fascinated to see how a earth pony, much less a filly, accidently stumbles into becoming an alicorn. This could be a super neat story, and I'll be patient to see what happens next.

This is really interesting but when is the next chapter?

7932266 It was originally going to be the 21st of February but things have prevented me to getting it finished on time. So hopefully it'll be ready sometime in March possibly the 10th if things go alright. :twilightsmile:

7932531 Awesome to know! Hope to see it then :pinkiehappy:

...How can I speed this along? Is there any way at all?

8091461 Afraid not, sorry for the wait but I promise the next chapter will come ASAP.:twilightsmile:

Real soon, MY A##









(I Don´t know how to make dollors on a macbook)

So, no pressure, hey Celestia? XD

Okay so this is intriguing, the monster wants Applebloom for some reason or another and the Princesses are going to fight it while she gathers Twilight and the others to go dimension hopping to attack the thing and, hopefully, kill it...

...why do I get the feeling it needs a host? And one that's powerful enough to contain it. It'd explain why all the Unicorn's horns were on the fritz, if it was scanning them.

But that doesn't explain why Applebloom's suddenly an Alicorn! Except for, you know, story purposes. XP

Ah well, take as long as you need! It's starting to get good now!

Also, I found a small mistake here:

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Apple Bloom shrieked. With no hesitation, she galloped off in a flashback the way she had come and away from whatever that thing was.

I'm sure that flashback was supposed to be two words.

Can't wait to see what's next!

Keep on keepin on! :pinkiehappy:

8208169 Thanks for pointing that out. :twilightsmile: I'm glad you like it so far and I promise the next chapters will also be worth the wait.:raritywink:

Moar!! Im loving this story :pinkiehappy: Please :fluttercry:

It died down as soon as it had came, taking the mysterious sound with it.

come

Instead of terror, Apple Bloom felt the heat of frustration creep up on her. This is all some kind ah prank, isn’t it! she realized. Her jaw clenched and nostrils flared.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” she boomed.

She turned back and stomped her hoof down. “Now listen, whoever’s out there, I’ve had just about all I can stand! Now ya either show yerself and explain what in Equestria is going on here or y’all will be sorry you ever messed with a Cutie Mark Crusader!”

Apple Bloom stood her ground. Her fear had vanished, replaced with courage. If Applejack had been there, she would have been so proud of how brave her little sister looked right then.

Apple Bloom be like
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-umYahDbou5A/VgxL8DOxWdI/AAAAAAAAAIg/990vd4DxQ90/s640/blogger-image-872981188.jpg

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Apple Bloom shrieked. With no hesitation, she galloped off in a flash back the way she had come and away from whatever that thing was.

Apple Bloom sped through the trees like a rocket, her hooves pounding on the ground in sync with her racing heart. Her mouth was dry after that last scream she tried desperately to catch her breath as she ran. A part of her dared not to look back, but her curiosity got the better of her, and she turned her head to find, to her horror, that the creature was, in fact, chasing after her.

“NO!” she cried.

Somehow, with the little energy she had left, Apple Bloom managed to gallop farther away, disappearing into the darkened forest. The shadow blinked as though surprised to see just how fast she had gone, but continued to trail on after her.

Now Apple Bloom be like
i307.photobucket.com/albums/nn284/miss_art_deity/roadrunner.gif

[Over 1000 views, about 50 upvotes.]

Damn, your readers are stingy with the like button.

Hope you keep this up despite that. So far at least this seems like a really strong start.

Love the story so far. Keep opp the great work! :twilightsmile:

Great concept you have there.

You said I should check out first two chapters of your story... site-wise, this is the second chapter, so my job ends here :ajsmug: (Seriously now, I'll check out the true Chapter 2 later, now there are other things that need my attention.) Anyway, here is your mini-review.

So, let's start with this 'Titlecard' page first. It's nice and all and surely you don't see it in every story, but... why is it put there like a secong chapter, rather than the very first? This is not a movie that has some opening scene that then leads to an epic reveal of the movie's stylized title. Imagine a reader is really enthralled by the first chapter and now eagerly jumps onto the next one, completely swallowed by the plot's atmosphere. But instead, the reader finds himself/herself here. What most likely happens? Either he/she starts reading about all those awesome folks, breaking out the story's atmosphere or he/she skips this page ultimately and thus ignores the credit these people deserve. Just something for you to ponder on...

As for the story descriptions and first chapter:
The long description is nice and proposes a lot of hooks and foundations for an interesting story - thus it serves its purpose, catching the reader's attention. However if I spotted the short description first, I don't think I'd be hyped to read this story. There are two main reasons for that. First, it makes the story sound rather like an ultimate random story than a mysterious adventure with bits of comedy I reckon this will be. And second, it's one overly long sentence with as much information crammed into it as possible - I think such a form also ignites the 'random' issue mentioned above. What I'd suggest is to split it up into a bunch of shorter sentences. So, now onto the Chapter 1.

Your grammar is solid and your descriptions accurate, the reader knows what's going on. Your vocabulary is moderately rich, you don't repeat words too often, but it's also not a level of cleverly crafted original descriptions.

Upon acquainting myself with the long description, I was expecting something utterly different. I personally didn't find the chapter as intriguing and hooking as the description was. The chapter itself could have been a shorter one-shot with slightly dark, open ending and I wouldn't notice. It surely wasn't badly-written, but I find it missing the tension that should accompany the events described. The lack of tension then results in the missing hook.
I think that is mostly caused by your way of describing and the pace tied to that. Don't take me wrong, your description of the forest upon Apple Bloom's waking up was nice, but you kept the description in similar manner even during scenes that required action and faster pace. (Descriptions slow down the pace considerably.) To write tension and action, you should use as little description of surroundings as possible, letting the story flow in shorter, plain sentences. For example, I wouldn't call those shorter and plain:

She looked up to notice some unusual trees leaning in toward one another and forming some sort of an entrance. It seemed to lead to another part of the forest, but where it went she couldn’t tell.

Yet, those were taken out of the chapter in a spot where the tension should be building up.

So, in the end, this surely isn't a bad story, but I wouldn't call it a great one either. I'll see what the next chapters may bring.

Comment posted by Astral Phoenix deleted Jun 29th, 2017

8264003

Thank you for your advice on the "Title card" you were right. I did intend to make seem like an opening to a movie of sorts. I thought that having the Title card after the prologue would leave the readers in suspense on what would likely happen but also I was thinking of making it like the show where you get the opening of the show then the title. I thought at first it was a good idea but I agree with what you said. Hopefully, now that I moved the title card it would be a lot better.

Also, I'm now trying to redo the short description as you mentioned and I may have come up with something that may be better. How's this?

After waking from what to have felt like a nightmare but with no memory of what it was about Apple Bloom is surprised to discover that she has somehow become an Alicorn! In order to find out how this has happened the Mane 6 journey to Canterlot to speak with Princess Celestia but when they find that both she and Luna have disappeared things are about to become a real nightmare!

8264201
Okay, I see about that.
Now it's good information-wise, but honestly, you also added another overly long sentence, so now you have two of them that should be split or shortened :twistnerd:

8264267

After waking from what felt like a nightmare with no memory of what it was about Apple Bloom is shock to discover that she has become an Alicorn! In order to find out how this happened, the Mane 6 decide to speak with Princess Celestia. But when they find that both she and Luna have disappeared things are about to become a real nightmare!

I tried shortened it, any better?

8264291
Let me try it:

Waking from a nightmare with no memories of what happened, Apple Bloom is in shock. She has become an Alicorn! In order to find out what has befallen her, she seeks advice of Princess Celestia. But both her and Luna have disappeared, unfurling a real nightmare!

8264312 Wow, that's amazing. May use it?

8264316
No, I was writing that only for myself. Sure you can use it, I'm trying to help you, after all :raritywink:

8264317 Thank you so much for the help. I greatly appreciate it. :twilightsmile:

8264327 There was a small problem. The short description only takes 250 characters and the very last word at the end was cut out. I did a little tweaking that should help fix it but I need your opinion if it's still as good.

Waking from a nightmare with no memory of what happened, Apple Bloom is shock. She has become an Alicorn! In order to find what has befallen her, she seeks advice of Princess Celestia. But the royal sisters have vanished, unfurling a real nightmare!

8264332
It's good, but AB can't 'be' shock. She can be either shocked or in shock. If that is still too long, you can cut out 'In order'.

So, here we go again :ajsmug:
Let me start with a few remarks again. Similar to the the previous chapter, there was a slight lack of tension at the action scene this chapter began with. The means of fixing that are listed under the previous chapter, I'd also add that you should rather show us how AB escaped than just tell us she escaped.
Another issue I'd like to address is your use of italics. You use them in the dream in dream, to mark whispering and to mark thoughts. I think there are not necessary in the dream sequence, because that part was fully bordered by line breaks. As for the thoughts and whispers, I'd advice you to keep the italics only for one. Despite the quotation marks present at the whispers, it's still kind of confusing whether the words are spoken or thought.
And the last one problem goes to your consistency of using AB's accent and Luna's archaic English. Thorough the whole chapter, you don't keep to one form of the words they use, for example: you/thou, tis/it's, ta/ta'/to or -ing/ -in'.
(Also, noticed some typos and such. Those will be addressed by PM shortly.)

Despite all those issues, I enjoyed this chapter far more than the first one. You do well on writing each of the characters and their dialogues are lively and flow well. Also, I really like the morning scene in the bathroom.

Comment posted by Jake The Army Guy deleted Sep 13th, 2017
Comment posted by Astral Phoenix deleted Sep 13th, 2017
Comment posted by Jake The Army Guy deleted Sep 13th, 2017
Comment posted by Astral Phoenix deleted Sep 13th, 2017
Comment posted by Jake The Army Guy deleted Sep 13th, 2017
Comment posted by Astral Phoenix deleted Sep 13th, 2017

Wow, this is amazing. You have a large vocabulary.

*Read's title* Wait what

Thats a nice Title card right there!

I loved the last two chapters, especially this one. I think all the characterizations feel correct.

Next chapter: "How Applejack got an aneurysm" :ajsmug:

Please continue soon. I can't wait to see what happens next.

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