• Published 21st Jul 2012
  • 5,995 Views, 151 Comments

The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk! - PonyManne215

Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

  • ...

I Did What I Could

Author's Apology: Nope. I don't owe one. I would've worked on a chapter or finished one about three days ago. But.....Mann vs. Machine. Enough said. And with any Valve update, it was so bugged I was only able to play two matches on the first two days, and they were horrible. It was fun, though, as me and Ragemoar were like the only ones that allowed our team to get to the final wave. Anyhow, since Valve finally fixed the matchmaking system for the most part, we've been playing it even more so....blame them if you want to point a finger. Oh, and uh, does any of you have a Strange Medi-gun? I've been looking for one for a while now. Short chapter, sorry but I've been in a writing funk ever since MvM came out. And they will take longer probably due to a summer assignment.

“And that one, don’t you dare forget that one.”

“But I-”

“Shut it, Demoman! You and your friends have destroyed my home too much already, and you’ve only been here for a few hours! Now pick up that piece of wood, and hammer. Now.” Berry Punch had taken a very firm dictatorial position after having her entire effort of a rebuilt front destroyed by Demoman’s weapon. And Demoman, the poor Scotsman, was forced to make reparations for all of the costs.

“Aye, but lass, I’m tellin’ ya I got millions of dollars. I could pay ya back right-”

“Stuff it, bomb boy. You are going to fix this house, and you are going to clean every crevice, crack, and opening. No booze.” Berry Punch demanded.

“NO BOOZE?! Are ya crazy, ya-” Demoman got a heart-breaking shatter in return.

“You have plenty of other bottles I can smash....” Berry Punch suggested as she started to caress the countless Scrumpy and other alcoholic beverages the Scotsman had stored in his backpack.

“Right away, missie!” Demoman suddenly perked up, although muttering under his voice about holding jobs or some other and Berry Punch being a lazy good for nothing.

“That’s a good boy. Now then, what’s in here....” Berry Punch searched through Demoman’s things, obviously not learning from the first time with his Loch-N-Load. There were hats, millions of them! There were just so many! Apart from the hats were hundreds of weapons...How the hay did all of these fit into a small backpack? Berry Punch brushed this thought aside as a giant blade’s hilt protruded out of the pack’s strap, causing her to hold it in her hooves as best as she could.


“You say something, Demo?” Berry Punch asked.

“Only wonderful compliments about your wee little house, miss!.......And how I’m gonna blow your house up with me parrot..”

“Huh....” Berry Punch wondered as she continued examining the blade. It was fine steel, from what she could tell, as she touched the blade and could practically feel how sharp it was. There was some old wrapping on the hilt and along the bottom of the blade, most likely to hold it in its place. But still, there was something peculiar about this sword....something...evil.


“Who is that?” Berry Punch whispered.


“Stop it!”


“Come out!”


Something took over Berry Punch, almost an innate primal instinct. She just had to obey the orders she was hearing, she needed to get heads. And there was a perfect specimen right there, working on her destroyed home. Berry Punch’s eyes glowed into evilly shining violets as she charged at Demoman and....



Slapped him with the hilt.

“You idiot......”

“Hey! What was that for, lass?!” Demoman asked furiously as he swiped the sword away from his new friend.

“I....I don’t know. It was just telling me to get heads...so I hit your head with the sword.” Berry Punch explained.

“You..Pffft! HAHAHAHAHA! Ye hit me with the sword, not cut me with it, dummy! You were supposed to cut me with it, though I’m glad ye didn’t. I forgot to explain, this here,” Demoman presented the giant claymore. “Is the Eyelander. It’s a cursed sword that makes yer eyes glow and makes you stronger and faster with each head ya collect. But you just did it wrong, so no foul. But never touch it again, ye hear me?” His eyes glowed while holding the sword and he took on a voice like that of Billy Mays. "Buy now for the souls of hundreds of children's and get an Ellis hat free." He went back to normal, not even aware of what he had just said.

Berry Punch pawed at the ground, finally pouting her lips and starting to cry. “I’m...I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hit you! It’s all my fault! I...have a way to make up for you! You can have the booze back and you don’t have to fix the house! Is that good?!” Berry Punch perked up.

“Aye, dandy. Now, go clean up and we’re gonna pay the lads a visit.” Demoman grinned fatherly at the mare as she went to her room. “Dumb ponies, I just got out of a free job! Alright!” He jumped into the air, clicking his heels together in victory. “But me mum did teach me to finish a job....Eh, why not?” The Scottish Cyclops went back to work on the house, working happily with a bottle of Scrumpy in his hand.

He took the bottle and poured, but nothing came out. “Huh, must’ve ran out. Well, there’s plenty more where that came from.” Tavish went to go retrieve his backpack but found it was not in its original place. “Berry must’ve taken it.” He reasoned. He walked over to her room, knocking a few times and receiving startled shrieks in return.

“..G-go away!” Berry Punch called out.

“What? You already don’t wear clothes, so it can’t be that. What’s bothering ye?” Demoman creaked open the door until he was met with a disgruntled pony with all of his Scrumpy bottles poured over the toilet. “............Lass.” He stated dryly.

“I can explain!”


“I said I could, give me a sec!”



“Are those all of my bottles?!”

“I think so..”

“Do you know what you’ve just done?! Do you know how much pain and money it had cost me to get all of that?! Do you know- Oh hey, a hat!” Demoman’s outraged monologue got shortened as he ran giddily to a magical headpiece nearby. “Is this what I think it is?”

“If you think it’s a hat, then yes.” Berry Punch answered.

“Lass...this....is an Unusual! If you give me this, I love you.” DeGroot’s grim expression turned to that of a child in a confectionery.

“Sure, that old thing? It’s been in my family for generations. Something about a family legend or something. It’s just a hat though, I’ve seen plenty of better things like....my fruit juice! Wanna try?”

“Just a h- JUST A HAT?! Lass, this is an Unusual! A Crown of Prince Tavish! We haven’t seen it in the family for generations! It went missing in the legendary battle of Dunkirk, where me great ancestor used a gas leak and his torch to make an explosion! It’s what started the Demoman tradition. And you have it right here!”

“Uh, how do you know this is the same one?”

“Because, it has the same effect! They say the Lord himself came down and gave it to him, which is why Sunbeams always come out!” Tavish DeGroot recounted.

“Is it this ‘Jesus’ or ‘God’ guy in this ‘Bible’ book of yours?” Berry Punch inquired as she pointed towards a leather book with a giant cross on it.

“No, are you crazy? I’m not talking about that Lord, I’m talking about the Lord, Shakespearicles!”


“Shakespearicles! The toughest and manliest poet and writer to have ever lived. He made wondrous inventions, including the two-story building, stage play, America, and the Rocket Launcher! He was also the toughest bastard to have ever wrote. Sadly....he died. He never made stairs...it led to his death..” Demoman’s mood dimmed down.

“........You can’t be serious. Anyone can make stairs!” Berry Punch said.

“....Are ye insulting him?! It wasn’t until President Abraham Lincoln that stairs! That was over two hundred years! People had to rocket and bomb jump until then! And Lincoln was the original Pyro!”

“That sounds like toilet talk. If I say yes, will you just take it already?”

“Aye.” He responded.



“Just kidding, take it. Let me go check the family photo album though. I think the old legend was in there, somewhere.” Berry Punch went to her closet and began rummaging through some items of little interest.

Demoman kissed his new hat, and put it upon his head. Now, he felt like someone wholly. He felt like he could save the world........from hatless hobos and hippies. He felt like he was salvation. He looked over to his best friend, and laughed upon seeing what was on her head. “I didn’t know ponies wear panties! Oh boy, that’s rich!”

Berry Punch furrowed her brows, looking at him, and was about to say something when said undergarment flew onto her chin. “Huh? You weren’t joking...” She carefully read the small note attached to the female underwear.

To our little Berry Punch,

Since you won’t be taking up the family tradition, you might as well take this. It should help you get the attention of that somepony special. We picked it out as the most arousing and alluring piece you’d see on such a beautiful mare.


Mom and Dad

Berry Punch blushed furiously at the thought of doing it......of......modeling! And sex. But still, she was embarrassed nonetheless and even more so because Demoman saw it. It wasn't exactly the best when a new tenant saw her lingerie. With Carrot Top, it was different since they were both mares. But ever since the carrot salespony had moved to a bigger home, Berry was left to pay for the bills on her own. And even though Demoman had no money, he would be able to provide much needed companionship and hard labor.

“Forget about that,” Berry Punch whipped out a big, dusty, old book and slammed it on the ground, sending millions of dirt particles to fly in different directions. She flipped the pages as Demoman came closer, rubbing his new hat, lovingly.

“So what is this, lass?”

“It's an old photo album, along with scraps of old journals, diaries, memos, that sort of thing. It’s basically like an old library, err mini library. Let me just look.....there it is!” She said as she pointed towards an old scroll. She picked it up and rolled it in her hooves, displaying it to the curious Scotsman.

“Let me see that.” Demoman unfurled it and read the text. “By God, lassie! This.....this is me old ancestor’s handwriting! It’s got the family crest right there!”

They both read the scroll together.

So, t’all ya fine dandies,

I’ve been thrown into another world while fighting Nessie, herself! It’s full of talking horses, monsters, and other fine beasts that ya can eat! There’s a big beast, it’s a giant star bear, I’m gonna go eat it. Now then, should anyone read this, I must warn you in the DeGroot name, be wary. There is a legend that the monster of one’s past will come to this place and haunt it forever! For example, I saw a house with stairs. Stairs! That’s crazy! Anyhow, time to go get some bear meat. Come here you. Die! Die! DIE! Oh, he hit me! I’m dying! I’m dying......gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

“He did not just do that...” Berry Punch remarked.

“Looks like he wrote it as he died.” Demoman pointed out.

“Whatever, let’s go meet the others. Come on,” Berry Punch nudged Tavish towards the doorway, to which he opened and bowed like a gentleman.

He took his Eyelander in hand and something happened, his eye glowed and he started charging for no reason whatsoever. “ARRRRRGHH!”

And his blade hit straight into a pile of watermelons as he hacked away, letting everypony see the blade-on-melon atrocity.

“Oh, my melons!” A mare shouted as she fainted.

“Freedom!!!!!” Demoman randomly shouted.