Chapter 1 Waking up in a new body.
"Ow my head."
He said as he opened his eyes, to look around seeing as he laid in what looked like a crater in a forest.
"Great now I know that magic didn`t work as planned."
He said as he tried to roll over on his stomach instead, shaking his head wildly trying to get it to clear, seeing two large things just outside his view, reaching up an arm to take whatever it is on his head away, stopping his movements as his hand came into view, blinking a few times seeing as his hands had become a pair of purple claws, looking down on himself seeing his entire body seemed to be muscular and covered in short purple fur.
"Hmm seems the spell did more than just teleport me."
He said to himself trying to stand up only to fall back into a half-crouched position clutching his head.
"Ow I need a mirror."
He said as he begun walking on all four out of the crater.
"Weird how natural it feels to be walking on all four, I really hope there`s someone or something to help me out here."
He thought shaking his head again as it stil felt foggy, taking a deep breath before he begun to get out of the crater and walking towards a nearby tree.
"Maybe I could try out these claws atleast."
He said to himself as he begun scratching at the tree, smiling to himself seeing how easy it was to tear of the bark from the tree, then looking up at the tree comparing himself to it.
"Hmm seems I`m almost 4 or 5 meters tall standing on my back legs."
He said to himself looking at the tree he just scratched, before clutching his head in his hand.
"Ow hope I don`t got a concussion, I better find a way out of this forest atleast."
He said shaking his head again, before taking another deep breath as he looked up towards the sky, spotting a small column of smoke rising above the trees.
"Great someone actually living in this forest."
He said with a smile as he begun walking towards the column of smoke, switching between walking upright and walking on all fours.
"Weird how walking on both 2 and 4 legs feels equally easy."
He thought after walking for what felt like an hour, only to stop and clutch his head in his hands.
"Ow still hurts."
He said as he sat down trying to shake his head clear, before deciding it`s no point, sighing as he got up again and started walking towards the column of smoke, seeing he was almost there now he started walking a bit faster, before stopping about 20 meters from were the smoke came from.
"Hmm maybe it`s not the best to just rush in and scare whoever lives in this forest, my appearance may not be the most welcome sight."
He thought as he sat down looking at himself again.
"Still no idea what I am, a dragon maybe?"
He thought scratching his chin feeling a small goatee, before snapping to attention as he heard the sounds of hooves coming closer, deciding to sneak closer to see whoever it is, before greeting whoever it is, in whatever friendly way this form can, crawling closer on his belly to make sure he doesn`t get seen, stopping behind some bushes to wait for whoever it is to come into view.
"Looks like a hut of some sort carved out of a tree."
He thought as he finally saw were the smoke was coming from, hearing some weird jibberish as the sound of hooves came closer, only seeing what appears to be a zebra with a mohawk and gold rings on it`s legs, but no sign of whoever owns the hut.
"Great first person I am near and whoever it is, is mad enough to give a makeover to a zebra."
He thought as to his surprise he saw the zebra walk inside the hut, still hearing some weird jibberish thinking it must be some kind of song, but still no sign of the hut owner, he rose up from his crawling position to get a better look around hoping he doesn`t scare whoever is singing.
"Whoever was talking is probably in here."
He thought as he looked inside a window, only seeing what appeared to be the zebra talking and pouring some contents in a big cauldon.
"Okay either I got brain damage or something weird is going on."
He thought as he rolled his eyes at the obvious answer, before he begun backing away from the window, shaking his head unsure if what he saw was real.
"Wonder if there`s a town full of horses too, heh that would just be madness."
He thought to himself as he begun walking in the opposite direction from the zebra hut, walking for what felt like hours before he stopped at a small river, taking a look at his reflection in the water, seeing what appeared to be a small fin on his back, and what looked like a blonde mane.
"Well hello sexy one, kinda looks like a dragon, wonder if I can breath fire."
He thought as he opened his mouth and seeing long white fangs, running his tongue along the teeths and giving his reflection a big grin.
"Seems i have horns too, must be the ones I tried to reach when i woke up, kinda gives me a demonic look, maybe I`m a cross between a dragon and a demon? sure hope I`m not some kind of slug"
He thought as he raised up on his hind legs to get a better view of himself, only to clutch his head again and fall back on his stomach.
"Argh why does my head hurt so much?"
He growled to himself before shoving his head in the cold water.
"Ah atleast the cold water helps a little."
He thought as he pulled his head back up, and laying himself on his side propping his head on his forearms and looking out over the water.
"Woof woof."
"Woof woof you too......wait what?"
He said as he turned his head spotting a small brown dog with a red scarf looking at him.
"Oh hello little dog, are you lost too?"
He asked as he sat up and held out a hand towards the dog, before remembering his new form and putting his hand back down on the ground.
"Woof?"
The dog said as it tilted its head as it looked at the strange creature.
"So are you lost or can you find your way back?"
He asked the little dog.
"Arf aroo woof woof."
"Would help if I could speak dog."
He said looking at the little dog still wagging its tail at him.
"Ruff."
"Want to walk with me for a while?"
He asked the dog.
"Grufr."
"Yeah I think so too, let us see if we can find our way out togheter."
He said as he begun walking with the dog happily jumping around and wagging its tail.
"Lovely forest don`t you think?"
He said towards his new found little dog friend.
"Rorf."
"Love the scarf."
He said after a moment of walking.
"Did I really just compliment a dog?"
He thought looking at the dog running next to him.
"Hmm maybe there is a name tag or something on the dog."
He thought sitting down on his hind legs to pick up the dog, getting a *woof?* from it, as he lift it up with his left hand.
"Hmm there`s a name on the scarf, Winona....is that your name or the owner?"
He asked the dog in his left hand, getting what he could swear was a nod as an answer from the dog.
"Wait it also has Sweet Apple Acres stitched in, ah must be your home."
He said with a smile.
"Atleast have a name and a place to search for now, detetive, dectective, eh whatever work success."
He thought still holding the dog in his hand.
"Winooonaaa please come back!"
A weak voice called out.
"Is that your owner?"
He asked the dog.
"Wuff."
"Winona please, Applejack will be furious."
"Over here, I found your dog!!"
He called out, turning his head towards where the voice was coming from, expecting to see a girl coming into view, instead a small yellow pegasus with a pink mane and tail walked into view, who froze up at the sight of of the big purple creature holding Winona in a clawed hand.
"D-d-d-dragon?!"
The little pegasus said as it begun to shiver violently.
"Interesting ponies can talk in this land? world? wherever I am."
He thought as he looked at the little pony.
"Uh hello?"
He said with a unsure smile as he put down the dog, and lowered his head towards the little pegasus who just stood there shivering, reaching out a hand to see if it was stil alive, only for it to whimper and fall over on its back with a goat sound.
"Wow instant rigor mortis? and did it just sound like a goat?"
He said taking the little pegasus in its hand and putting it against his ear.
"Well atleast it got a heartbeat."
He said turning towards the dog.
"Well better take her with us."
He said holding the pegasus in one arm as they begun walking towards the way it came from.
Read and rate if you thumb it down please explain why so i can improve it.
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I really like this, slow it down a bit, Other than not really explaining anything it is a good concept and decently written.
Also if you need a pre-reader I can do it for you.
Final Fantasy behemoth or...?
yeah i know its a bit fast but i kinda suck at slower parts where nothing actually happens but thanks for the thumbs up.
and yes it is a final fantasy behemoth tried to add a picture but well i have no idea what happened
696681
eeyup big purple and horned
696674
hey nice of you to offer yourself to be a pre reader uhm however it works lol im not the smartest and its 2 in the morning here
696900 Then why are you not asleep silly
Had to look up Final Fantasy Behemoth on google images.
And i noticed there are different versions.
Which one is closest to... um... Person (?) in this story ?
There is: http://images.wikia.com/finalfantasy/images/5/5c/Behemothffix.jpg
http://www.everway.homecall.co.uk/Fantasy/behemoth10.jpg
http://www.fftrealm.com/content/pics/behemoth.jpg
But still you get +1 like from me
Please, proceed with more story.
whoa really what the actual hell? 7 thumbs up? and all i did was a slight remake of this shit story?
well thanks guys feels good to have a story with so many thumbs up lol
oh yeah i got a pic but i cant add it in this lol stupid url thingy
698659
okay it is the first one of your pics that is the one i tried to use.
699006
Then let's leave it in comments for now? It can be removed later. If needed to be removed.
images.wikia.com/finalfantasy/images/5/5c/Behemothffix.jpg
And about thumbs up. If it keeps going at this speed you might venture into the... Feature Box!
what the actual hell 8 thumbs up and favorites keep coming in.
is this story really so unique?
is behemoths just the most lovable creatures?
has really noone done a story like this before?
oh no first thumb down and the dick didnt even give a reason.
Not to be a grammar nazi but I found a few errors nothing to worry about but just to inform you.
There seems to be a some I's not capitalized like i'm should be I'm.
Urgh, can't read this, the story's interesting but the constant grammar and spelling errors just kill my immersion. I'd get a prereader if I were you.
heh that would just be madness.
me immediately after reading:
*finds large hole and unassuming Persian next to it*
"Madness... this is EQUESTRIA!!!!"
*proceeds to plant foot in confused Persians stomach and push him into hole*
1237643 This. I want to read it, but you've got a lot of grammar, spelling, and formatting errors. I'll give chapter 2 a shot.
1237879
Gotta agree. Seems good, just needs an editor or at least a careful proof reading.
It's okay, but seeing "he said" "he said" "he said" gets pretty annoying. Then, theres the "I" thing. When it's alone, usually someone talking about themself, it's always a capital "I". And when a character is thinking, use italics.
It's interesting enough that I want to read more, but you really need to work on your spelling and grammar. The best thing I can recommend is have someone other than you read over it and find all the mistakes that you as the author can't see.
'Kay.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHGHGHHHHHGHHHHBLBLKKKKKK!!!
Okay, sorry... sorry. I'm calm. I'm cool. Not flying into a murderous rage over the butchering of a potentially interesting narrative.
*eye twitches*
Okay... While your grammar and characterization do, in fact, leave a lot to be desired, your current big problem is your narrative structure. Said structure being your constant mistakes in how you format paragraphs, and your insistence upon beginning almost every other paragraph with "He said/thought"
This is a case of the structure of your narrative reflecting poorly upon the story itself. it's so repetitive and basic and even childlike in its wording that it causes reading the actual plot/sequence of events to become a chore. Heck, not even a chore... an exercise in pulling teeth.
I'm sorry, but you've managed to invoke one of my big pet peeves here. Hence my angrish. This is something that is actually pretty rarely seen, since it's usually common knowledge to try and avoid this sort of thing. But when I see it, I can kinda fly off the handle.
Pick up any book... ANY narrative work at all... does it look a THING like what you've written? At first glance, do you see all of the quotes separated from paragraphs, or a million-zillion instances of the words "he said" at the beginning of paragraphs?
This needs some serious rewriting. There are three rules to remember here:
1) While you need a new paragraph every time somebody NEW speaks, quotes can, and should, be integrated with the paragraphs corresponding to them.
2) (This is the really big one) Variety is the spice of life. While it's okay to use "He said" or "He thought" or other such things occasionally, they shouldn't be the beginning of every paragraph. Nor should every paragraph begin with a quotation. nor should all the sections of the story look so similar to one another. Try throwing in more descriptions of actions or surroundings in at the beginnings of paragraphs instead. Also, read other stories. Like a lot of them. Don't copy their works directly, but try to analyze and replicate their methods.
3) If there's only one person in the scene, there's no reason to tell us who's talking or who's thinking. It'll generally be implied.
This needs a serious rewrite. The story and premise isn't too bad, but the narrative structure is abysmal. I'd probably enjoy it were it not for that.
(Also, letter i's on their own need to be capitalized. If you are referring to yourself it should read as "so I can improve it" not "so i can improve it."
OH GOD NEEDS PROOF READING AND NO ENTERS AFTER DIALOG TO SEPERATE DIALOG AND ACTION!
The dialog itself is atrocious too. So is the thought process and the headache. It seems to not affect him as much.
Also I'd like more description when we talk about a little Pegasus pony. I assume fluttershy cuz of goat noises but you know...STILL DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HER!
All I know is that the mystery Pegasus knows applejack and I assumed Scootaloo whne you said little Pegasus...SOOOOOO YEA NEEDS SHIT TON OF EVERYTHING!
(Totally abusing all caps rage today)
thought: he can't look that scary * checks pic * well..... get the pitchfork s and torches
696909 Sleep is for the week google.com/imgres?sa=X&biw=1264&bih=566&tbm=isch&tbnid=z88txNOpBII0IM:&imgrefurl=http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/4746541/Sleep%2Bis%2Bfor%2Bthe%2BWeek/&docid=ozqF5gd0E9gzcM&imgurl=http://static.fjcdn.com/comments/4746097%252B_5d40d90f6b4086ac219deeb089bbf71a.jpg&w=480&h=320&ei=Q92cUsPVDOSW3AX96IGwAQ&zoom=1&ved=1t:3588,r:6,s:0,i:117