Dinky Doo and the Quest for the Sacred Treats

by PaulAsaran

Part III: The Lady Carrot Head

The market of Ponyville, normally alive with vendors and buyers, was tonight the gathering place of a host of creatures both familiar and strange. Groaning ghouls, scaled dragons and tricky changelings rubbed shoulders with playful faeries, brave firemares and speedy Wonderbolts. On any other night, these creatures might have taken arms against one another.

But this was Nightmare Night, the dreaded eve that Nightmare Moon would descend upon the hapless town, and so all manner of beings both decent and dire joined together in hopes of mutual protection. After all, none wished to spend the rest of their lives within the Scourge’s gullet. So it was that a temporary peace had settled upon the creatures of the night and day, who cavorted merrily in hopes of forgetting the threat that loomed over them all.

The Paper Squire and her entourage knew better. The Mare in the Moon would come, and no great alliance would stand in the way of her and her meal. Only the appeasement of Sacred Treats, carefully crafted by the Heroes of the Kitchen Table, could appease the wicked creature’s gluttony. So it was that the shrewd Marelin led her charge and their new compatriots, Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer, to the home of the first Hero to gain her blessed bounty.

The first Hero of the Kitchen lived in a modest farmhouse just outside the market, surrounded by many an acre of carrot fields. She stood outside her home before a great table covered in treats, dressed in a shimmering orange and yellow dress studded with delicate pearls. Her head was topped with a cap of carrot leaves and she held a spear tipped with only the sharpest, ripest root.

When the Paper Squire’s party arrived at her table, the lady offered a flamboyant bow and the most pleasant of grins. “Greetings Marelin! I see you have brought the Paper Squire here in place of her noble mother. I am Lady Carrot Head, Slayer of Leporidae and Guardian of the Deep Roots.”

The Paper Squire paid rapt attention to this introduction, but was taken by confusion. “What’s a Lepori… Leper…”

“Ah, and you must be the Paper Squire.” The Lady Carrot Head gave another bow. “Leporidae are rabbits, my dear.”

Upon hearing this declaration, Tom Dumb laughed uproariously. “You fight rabbits? Oh, scary.”

“Be not so quick to judge,” Marelin suggested. “Not all rabbits are cute and fluffy, my friends.”

“Indeed. I have met a few in my time who were quite the daunting foe.” The Lady Carrot Head shivered from memories far too dire for the minds of mortals. “Yet I bested them all. All save the dreaded Rabbit Fiend of Weird Analog; pray you never cross swords with that beast!”

“Aww, I’m not scared of no rabbit,” G’rain the Adventurer declared, once more struggling with his weapon in its sheath.

“Lucky that you will likely never meet it, then.” The Lady Carrot Head turned to the Paper Squire, her smile returning. “I have heard from your father of the dire circumstances. You have come in her stead to acquire my blessed Candied Carrots as tribute to Nightmare Moon, have you not? I have them ready for you, let me—”

“Hold it right there!”

From the darkness leapt a new face! He was a small but brave – and quite dashing, if he did say so himself – pirate, complete with a blue tunic and an eyepatch that surely covered a most gruesome wound. He brandished a rapier of mighty wood, which he directed at the unsuspecting heroes.

“I am the Dreaded Pip the Pirate,” he declared with a smile that was quite menacing. “I’m claiming those candied carrots for my buried treasure!”

“Oh, my,” the Lady Carrot Head opined, “but these candies are meant to appease Nightmare Moon, and I cannot give them to every pony who wants them! How will we keep her at bay?”

“Fear not,” the Paper Squire declared as she held up her mighty foam sword. “I will best this foe and claim the bounty, for the Paper Knight and the salvation of Ponyville!”

“A-ha!” Pip the Pirate scoffed, “You would dare to challenge me? I am a dreaded and dashing pirate. You are only a squire. Have at thee!”

And so, despite Marelin’s pleas for calm, the Paper Squire and the Dreaded Pirate joined one another in epic battle, their weapons dancing as fast as their hooves. Tom Dumb and G’rain the Adventurer cheered on their friend even as they snacked upon the Lady Carrot Head’s less blessed carroty confections. Though the two warriors were of equal skill with their preferred weapons, their battle did worry Marelin and the Lady Carrot Head, for the Dreaded Pirate’s sword was of wood and thus far more threatening.

Yet their fears were in vain, for soon after the battle had begun did the ever-quick Paper Squire land a glancing blow upon her foe’s head. “See, you are wounded!” she cried triumphantly. “Now you have lost your other eye.”

The Dreaded Pirate, acknowledging his wound, fell to his knees with an anguished cry. “No, not my good eye! But I’ve only one eyepatch! Why couldn’t it have been a leg? I always wanted a peg leg.”

Marelin approached the duo, using her magic to pull the Paper Squire back lest she grant the pirate his desire. “If you will yield and promise not to threaten any more ponies with your piraty ways, I shall heal your eye,” the wizard offered.

“Yes, yes, please,” the no-longer dreaded pirate begged. “I cannot lose an eye without a second eyepatch, that would look terrible! The other pirates would laugh at me.”

So Marelin did heal the pirate’s eye, for which he was eternally grateful and swore to never raid another pony’s candy bag again, except perhaps when he was running dangerously low in confectionery. “But I was only trying to collect enough candy to ask Nightmare Moon to leave me and my fellow pirates alone. We don’t want to be eaten!”

The Paper Squire heard this confession and rejoiced. “Then we have the same goal! My mother is the Paper Knight, and she’s given me a holy quest to gather the sacred treats that will save everypony from Nightmare Moon. You should join us! Together we can protect everypony, and not just the pirates.”

“Why, that’s a great idea! I’ll be happy to join you,” Pip announced with a bow. “Thank you so much for the offer. You’re a great squire!”

“I’m proud of you for inviting Pip to join us,” Marelin informed her charge, yet her smile faded to a firm frown. “But I would prefer you try talking before fighting. A proper squire should only resort to the blade when there is no other option.”

Knowing the chastisement was just, the Paper Squire prostrated herself before the wizard and begged forgiveness. Being the kind sort, Marelin accepted this apology before busying herself with collecting Tom Dumb and G’rain, who she noticed were getting a little too greedy with Lady Carrot’s treats.

At this time did the Lady Carrot Head approach the squire and the pirate. “You two have proved your valor this night, and so have earned my boon. To you, Paper Squire, I give the Sacred Candied Carrots. May they save us all from the hunger of Nightmare Moon.”

Then did she turn her attention to Pip the Pirate, producing a blade made of the biggest carrot he had ever laid eyes upon, its tip sharper than any sword. “And to you, brave Pirate Pip, I offer the wondrous Taproot Blade. Use it with great care, for though its strength is formidable, the weapon will not last long after use. You will know when the time has come to wield it.”

And so did the brave heroes, now united in a common purpose, thank the Lady Carrot Head and resume their quest. Once more did Marelin lead them, though not before requiring that Tom Dumb and G’rain return their excess sweets to their proper owner. This done, she led them away from the farmhouse and towards the dreaded Road Outside Town.

The second Hero of the Kitchen awaits.

Author's Note:

Hah! And I bet you all thought the 'heroes' would the Mane 6, huh? But yeah, there was no way Dreaded Pirate Pip would miss out on this.

The Lady Carrot Head = Galahad, illegitimate son of Lancelot and a Knight of the Round Table. One of the three achievers of the Holy Grail.

Comments

[Ri2]

Yarr, Pip! Can squires date pirates?

[Rayvinne]

Killer rabbits, you say?

[ForSpite]

Hah! And I bet you all thought the 'heroes' would the Mane 6, huh?

Not exactly, I actually hadn't put any thought into who it would be before one showed up. I was busy admiring your ability to work in all those vague parallels to Arthurian characters.

Actually you should probably mention the "dreaded Rabbit Fiend of Weird Analog" is the "The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog" in your notes, even though a lot of people are likely to get that one.

[CaptainPipsqueak]

6584717
You've never heard of a squirate?