Chapter Four Revised
Authors Note Ok so i rewrote chapter 4 sorry for the wait. but here you go, ive slowed it down alot ive decided to take time and focus on the build of the relationship before that bucking voice decides to ruin things. Also on a note the voice is quiet because if you can't guess it from the reading its scared of being found out....it doesnt want the princess to know its there.
Ok story time:
Twilight lay on the floor, the alchohol had worn off and she had just realized what she'd gotten herself into... The lunar princess is staying at the library... my library.
Twilight stood up and headed up stairs if the princess was going to stay here then Twilight needed to sort out her room and make it presentable for her.
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Luna paced down the streets of Ponyville, trying to memorize as much of it as possible, nodding to the residents that noticed her. She had told Twilight earlier that morning that she would be staying at the library, the bleary eyed mare had said okay but then passed back out. I must make sure she doesnt touch anymore alchohol... if she does who knows what could happen. Luna subconciously licked her lips as saucy ideas passed through her mind. Still... I guess I'd better be heading back to the library.
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Twilight was halfway down the stairs when the door to the library swung open. Startled, she lost her balance and went tumbling down the stairs, the bed she was bringing down following her and nearly landing on top of her.
She opened her eyes to Luna's concerned face... but why were there two of them?
"Are you okay?" Luna asked.
"I'll be fine." Twilight replied with a groan.
"What were you doing?" Luna asked, looking at the bed that had nearly crushed the purple mare. If I hadn't caught it with magic... she couldve been seriously hurt!
"Well... you are a princess... so I was going to sleep down here while you slept in the bedroom." Twilight replied, as if that was common sense.
Luna stood there quietly her emotions fighting for control... she was angry, hurt, annoyed at Twilight's carelessness, but also strangely happy... happy that this mare would think about what she wanted, even though she was intruding.
"Twilight, I'm just as happy sharing a room. You didn't have to do this." Luna said, voice somewhere between sad and guilty, "Really, I'm the one intruding. There was no reason to do this... and you could have been hurt... ask next time...? Please?"
Before Twilight could reply, Luna levitated the bed and disappeared.
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Twilight lay on the floor with a book. She hadn't seen the princess since she took the bed back upstairs. I wonder where she is....
Probably reporting to Celestia... The voice replied, uninvited, or perhaps getting information from your friends. Dont you think it's a bit weird, after your outbreak, that the princess is here? I mean, come on, even a foal could see she's spying on you. The voice was trying to poke and prod at Twilight's worst fears about the princess.
Yes, it may be a bit weird, but that's how Princess Celestia works. Maybe she is here to keep an eye on me, but not for the reasons you're thinking. Maybe she's genuinely worried about me... after what happened, I'd like to think so. And besides she wouldn't have to be here if you would just GO AWAY!
The voice grumbled and faded away. It would draw power from the princess, that would be easy considering the close proximity, it would become stronger and then... it will rule this form and destroy Celestia.
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Luna was lying on Twilight's bed. She didn't know how long she'd been there, breathing in that purple mare's scent, but it felt like a while. Yes, okay, it was weird of her to be there breathing in the unicorn's scent, but she couldn't help herself! She didn't even know what time it was anymore. Probably a few hours... it might be getting close to the rising of the moon.
Eventually she stood up and looked out the window, a harder battle than she'd thought. Just as she suspected, it was getting close to the moonrise. She jumped up, pushed the window open and drifted outside, landing softly on the ground, waiting.
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Twilight got up and looked out of the nearest window. She'd thought she heard a soft thud... but outside she couldn't believe it. Luna stood there proudly, wings spread, head held high, and her horn glowing a magnificant silver... like the colour of the moon.
She watched, entranced, by the young alicorn. Her gaze drew higher as Luna rose into the air, one slow wing beat at a time, and slowly but surely pulled the moon up into the sky, and as she did so Twilight saw something she'd never seen in her life. A silver rainbow, a shimmering ghost of the real thing, had formed around Luna, slowly swirling around her before splitting and shining in an arch over her.
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Luna dropped back to the ground and walked through the front door of the library only to be greeted by the dumbfounded, wide-eyed Twilight.
"Soooo I'm guessing you liked it?" Luna asked, unable to hide all of her amusement,
Twilight just shook her head, unable to find her voice.
Luna gave Twilight a part smile, "Well, goodnight." and with that, Luna headed upstairs to bed.
Twilight followed a little time after, mind still turning over the sight of the moon princess in her element.
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Twilight found herself in a pitch-black, circular room with nothing around her but a single shaft of light that she stood in shining down from the ceiling.
"So, the young mare is back again."
"Go away." Twilight deadpanned
"How about no?" The voice taunted,
A single spike formed in the air, aimed directly at Twilight's cutie mark. "They say the worst pain a pony can feel... is their cutie marked being stabbed. Shall we see if its correct?" The voice laughed, relishing the words.
She tried to move away, but as she did the spike flew directly at her, piercing through her ribcage straight through to the other side.
Twilight gritted her teeth, I must not scream I must not scream. Before she could recover, another spike pierced her, this one on target, going straight through her cutie mark. Twilight let out a scream. It was the worst pain she had ever felt... nothing compared... having her cutie mark stabbed through hurt more then being dipped in lava... and she knew how much that hurt.
More and more spikes formed around her, hovering menacingly... She saw them in time to scream just once more as they lunged towards her.
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Twilight awoke, panting and sweating all over, and quickly placed a hoof at her cutie mark... nothing! She checked her ribcage... again nothing! Just another dream... just another dream... Will I ever get a peaceful night's sleep?
Twilight lay back down and, despite everything she feared, slowly drifted off into happier dreams.
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Twilight awoke at 1:21 pm. Spike and the princess had let her sleep in...! I'll kill them both! She tried not to think about that thought...
When she got downstairs she found the rather surprising sight of Luna sitting comfortably on the floor reading four different books at once.
"Princess? Where's Spike?" Twilight asked.
"Spike went shopping, and it's Luna please..." She paused, marking her place in a couple of the books, "Twilight could you introduce me to some of the folks around ponyville? I've never been good at making friends and... well, times have changed. I fear I'd probably make a foal of myself." Luna asked sheepishly.
You know, I bet she's just asking so she can keep an eye on you to see if you'll flip out. She's a liar, tell her no... tell her to get lost...
Shut up you stupid personality!
Twilight smiled at the princess, "Of course I'll help you princ- I mean Luna... shall we?"
Luna gave Twilight a bright smile and the two headed out.
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The two of them had walked around Ponyville all afternoon, meeting and greeting some of the ponies they had run into. Aloe and Vera, Colgate, Berry Punch - who, as always, was quite quick to move onto flirting with both the princess and Twilight... and any other pony around... They'd met Carrot Top, who had asked if they had seen Berry and Colgate, and then they met Lyra and Bon Bon.
The young couple were getting disgusted looks from every upper class pony as they walked through the more expensive side of Ponyville.
Twilight gave a sigh as they passed, "Lyra and Bon Bon are so in love, they dont care what others think... but still they get disgusted looks beacause they're 'fillyfoolers'." Twilight said, sounding disgusted at the treatment.
Luna was familiar with that word... Celestia had called her that a few times, along with a few other things during those arguments, so she sort of knew what it meant. She walked towards Lyra and Bon Bon, but was stopped by an upperclass pony.
"Your Highness, you do not want to go talking to them... they're a disgrace to Ponyville, please Princess come talk with us." He bowed,
Luna looked at him for a few crucial moments, debating. She closed her eyes, brought forth her magic and pushed him out of her way, leaving him standing in a nearby mud puddle, "I'll talk to whom I choose, and if I must say, it's you who is a disgrace to Ponyville. Ponies were made to love and find one who loves them in return. And if they so happen to be in love and both be mares, who are you to judge?"
She paced regally over to Lyra and Bon Bon and smiled softly, "I apologise for everypony's rudeness... and I would like to get to know you both better. I can't stay long... but would you like to join me and Twilight for lunch later? Around five-ish?"
"Of course, your highness," Both Lyra and Bon Bon replied, awed, before leaving quickly.
Twilight and Luna headed back to the library.
"I think what you did for them was sweet..." Twilight commented.
"Really why...?" Luna replied.
"Well you've invited them to lunch... and you talked to them in front of everpony, and you snubbed that guy to do it. You really sent out a message to everypony that even a princess doesn't judge." Twilight replied.
"How do you think I can judge when I'm just like them?" Luna said it before she realised, she slapped both hooves over her mouth and closed her eyes hoping Twilight wouldn't pursue it.
"Just like them how?" Twilight said with a hint of hope in her voice. She had always had a attraction to stallions, true, but she felt an even stronger attraction to mares. She'd loved Celestia, so kind, generous and beautiful... But she also loved the night Luna brought forth, and through the night she loved Luna. Plus what she'd seen last night didn't help... Luna had looked so... beautiful.
"I... I mean to say... Always... judged." Luna thought quickly, but she finished the excuse feeling guilty about not being able to just say it.
Twilight tried to make herself sound indifferent but she didn't know if it had worked. "I see... well no one in Ponyville will judge you."
"Would you excuse me? I have somewhere I need to go." Her feigned smile and quick exit left Luna stunned.
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Twilight walked away... What was she doing? There was no need to be angry at the princess, and yet she was. She was furious! But there was no reason why. What had she expected? For the princess to say she was a fillyfooler? That maybe she liked Twilight? Yeah when pigs fly... Twilight sat down under a tree and watched the sky. They barely knew each other and she just... expected a relationship with the other mare... she really must be going crazy, as if attempted suicide hadn't proved that already.
She's only playing with you. She's just going get your hopes up, play with you like the manipulative sneak she is, and then throw you aside. You might not be dating, you're not even in her league, but she knows that you want to be and she will use all of those emotions to get what she wants out of you. Then,when shes done? She'll cast you out and leave you, all alone.
Shut up! I don't want to listen to you! Just buck off and go die! Or better yet, get out of my head and go bother somepony else you stupid bucking voice! I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW SO GO AWAY!
Twilight went to buck a tree out of sheer frustration. Her leg hit the tree at an odd angle, twisting the hoof and something went snap... Twilight stood there for a few seconds before screaming in agony, curling up around her leg and trying to cradle it off the ground. D-D-Delayed reactions really suck!
Breathing hard, and fighting tears, she tried to get up and walk back to the library on her three good legs, but everytime she took a step pain shot through her. I've never fixed a broken bone before and I don't know how... Dear Celestia, this royally sucks.
With a huge effort, Twilight continued to make her way back to the library, wincing in pain each time her leg so much as bumped the wrong way.
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Luna was hovering at a bookshelf, looking for a new book to read, when the library door flew open with a crash. She looked around and took in the sight of Twilight, agonised face and messed up mane, her back left leg was bent at a odd angle.
"Twilight!" she gasped in shock, "Your leg! Is it broken?"
"Nooo, Princess, it's just twisted at that angle for kicking people next to me! Yes it's broken!" Twilight yelled, pain making tears swell in her eyes,
Luna dropped to the ground and stepped cautiously up to the purple mare... she'd never heard Twilight in so much pain before, "D-d-do you want me to fix it?"
Twilight sighed, mastering herself before replying, "Yes please."
Luna wasted no time, closed her eyes and brought forth her magic. Slowly she surrounded the injured leg with her magic and proceeded to knit the bone back together. She felt the mare wince several times, especially when she had to shift the hoof back around into line, straightening the leg as gently as she could.
"Thank you." Twilight sighed in relief when she finished, testing the hoof back on the floor.
"Don't mention it." Luna replied, her face slightly red... for the briefest of moments their thoughts had touched and even though she hadn't read anything but pain and concentration from the lavender mare, it had still felt very, very personal.
"Twilight?" She began, to cover the silence, "We've got that double date with Lyra and Bon Bon in a little while, you might want to get changed..."
"Double... date?" Twilight repeated, surprised.
"D-D-D-Did I say double date?! I meant dinner date! Lunch date! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Luna's volume rose to panic levels as she tried to cover her slip.
Twilight giggled, it was cute to see the princess flustered, "I'll be down in a few minutes." And she left the princess to her mortified thoughts.
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Luna and Twilight stood waiting outside the library for Lyra and Bon Bon. Just when they thought their guests wouldn't arrive, both ponies rounded a corner and hurried down the road to them.
"Heh, sorry!"Lyra called out, "Bon Bon wanted to take an extra half hour to get ready!" She smirked at her marefriend good-naturedly.
Bon Bon did look like she'd put in the effort, that was for certain, she was in gold gilded dress with matching hoof shoes, a lyre-shaped clip adorned on her hair and golden eyeliner around her eyes.
"I see... a lot of gold," Twilight stage murmered to Luna,
"A fan of the sun, Bon Bon?" Luna asked
Bon Bon just nodded, not sure whether the moon princess was teasing her or not.
"So where shall we go?" Lyra asked eagerly,
"I don't know, wherever you wish." Luna smiled generously.
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They entered the restaurant and sat down at a table, Twilight and Luna at one side Lyra and Bon Bon at the other.
"So how long have you been dating" Luna asked Lyra.
"Well, we've been together about three years." Lyra said with a thoughtful look,
"And three wonderful years they've been." Bon Bon added happily
"What about you and Twilight?" Lyra returned,
"What about us?" Luna looked mildly confused,
"How long have you two been dating?" Bon Bon clarified,
"D-D-D-Dating?" Luna stuttered.
"We're not dating!" Although I wish we were... Twilight finished.
"Awww, you two make such a cute couple, though." Bon Bon protested
"You two should totally date!" Lyra added with a smile.
Twilight took this moment to down her drink and hopefully hide the blush. What she didn't know was her drink was alchoholic. Luna was at this moment doing the same, it seemed that everyone else but the two of them could see they liked each other.
"Lyra, they're so cute!" Bon Bon whispered into her ear, "The princess and the librarian, ooh, doesn't it sound like a book?!"
"I can see that, Bon," Lyra giggled, "Apparently they don't get it!"
Twilight put her drink down and looked at Lyra, "Why is there... apple cider in my glass?"
"HAH! Now pay up!" Bon Bon exulted,
"Oh fine... And Twilight, me and Bon Bon had a bet... Bon Bon thought she saw you buy some alchohol a while back. And I said it couldn't be, you would never drink... so Bon Bon made me a bet. If you could name what you were drinking without being told then I'd lose." Lyra told the purple unicorn.
"And what was the prize?" Luna asked taking a drink of cider.
"Who gets to be on top tonight." Lyra finished nonchalantly.
Luna spat out her drink in a most un-royal fashion, "What?!"
Twilight just sat there looking shocked, "So you two bet on things like that..."
"Sure, it's fun." Bon Bon told them both
"E-excuse me, I need to use the... little mare's room." Luna beat a hasty retreat.
Twilight watched Luna leave, her heart practically following the Princess, leaving her to feel alone in a full room.
"So, Twilight. Do you like her?" Lyra leaned in for the juicy details,
"What do you mean?" Twilight hedged,
"Oh c'mon! It's not like you're trying to hide it, you're attracted to her." Bon Bon deadpanned.
"I am not! Besides... why would the princess want me...? I'm just a nobody..." Twilight replied, looking at the tablecloth,
Both of them shook their heads. They said love makes you blind...
Luna returned and sat down. As soon as she was comfortable, the waiter came arrived, "May I take your orders?"
Thinking it safest to avoid those topics for a bit, the girls ordered their food and made small talk while they ate.
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Luna carried Twilight through the library door, the younger mare being held in place on Luna's back with magic. After dinner they'd hit a bar, Twilight had more than her fair share, which amounted to surprisingly few... Maybe the bar wasn't the best idea... She considered.
Twilight giggled and hiccuped before sliding off Luna with the grace of a sack of flour and stumbling down into the cellar. She came back up with a few bottles of apple cider wavering around in her magic's unsteady influence.
"Shall we play a little game, Looney Luna." Twilight said, stifling a giggle.
"A drinking game?" Luna asked, slightly intrigued, this probably wasn't a good idea, but... tipsy Twilight was adorable.
"'S called Truth... you ask me a question and I either give you an honest answer or a dishonest answer..." She wasn't slurring, but she was disjointed, which was kind of fun to listen to from the usually-exacting Twilight, "You then have three more questions to ask. Then you have to take a guess at whether I told the truth or lied." Twilight finished with a grin.
"This sounds... interesting. Okay, I'll play." Luna couldn't resist that happy smile, against her better judgement she was going to play.
Luna, don't drink anymore, your mind is muddled.
Shush Trollestia.
No, you should stop drinking.
Nevah!!
Don't make me come down there and spank you... Celestia warned,
Oooh, kinky!
Celestia shut up smartly after that... She's a pervert when shes drunk...
Dont you know it!
Oh, I know it very well, LUNACY
Oh come now, dont you bring that into it.
Oh-hoho yes I will. Every time you get drunk, you go off the rails. That was why you were banned from alchohol for five hundred years!
Luna just ignored her sister and took another drink from the bottle.
"Ok im ready" Luna stated.
Twilight and Luna sat at the table, a glass in front of each of them and six bottles of apple cider waiting for them.
"You go first Luna, ask me a question."
"Ok... Uh... Have you ever clopped?" Luna began, hoping to get a reaction
"EW! No!" Twilight swallowed unconsciously,
"So how was your first time?" Luna probed,
"It felt good." Came the quick answer, Twilight covered her mouth remembering the first question.
"You lied." Luna concluded with a grin,
Twilight sighed poured herself a glass and downed it.
"Now it's my turn. Have you ever kissed a mare? And not your sister." Twilight countered.
"No." Luna replied.
"So... how many ponies have you kissed?" Twilight asked.
"A few." Luna replied, not giving much,
"How were they?" Twilight questioned
"Okay." Luna replied
"Who was your first kiss?" Twilight asked.
"She was a pony from my sch-" Luna looked at Twilight who sat there smiling Oh buck! I said she!
"Lying!" Twilight beamed.
Luna silently poured herself a drink and downed it.
"Do you love me?" Luna asked.
Twilight went quiet debating whether to lie or tell the truth, she decided to tell the truth. They were both pretty drunk and probably wouldn't remember anything in the morning.
"Yes." Twilight replied.
Luna balked and flushed at the candid answer, but recovered, "When did you fall in love with me?" Luna asked.
"I don't honestly know." Twilight replied, thinking about it.
"Do you love me as a goddess, or as the mare I am?" Luna asked
"As the mare you are." Twilight finished.
Luna sat there debating why would anyone love her she was the one who almost doomed the world... but Twilight might be telling the truth... Oh, how she hoped she was telling the truth! Luna went with what she thought was right, not what her gut told her.
"You're lying."
"Wrong..." Twilight countered, slightly hurt. "I was telling the truth." Luna took a glass full to the brim as her penalty for that... her heart buzzed... was that just the alcohol? Was that just... Oh buck! Telling the truth?! How? Why?
As the game carried on the questions became more and more erratic. They were running out of alchohol, and working depth perception.
"Okay... final queshtion..." Twilight slurred, while trying to remain balanced.
"Why do you like me?" Luna had to ask.
"Becaushe you're beautifuls." Twilight shook her head.
"Lies!" Luna wasn't sure whether she was denying what Twilight said, or denying she was beautiful...
"Wrong-o!" Twilight giggled.
It took Luna a moment to recognise what she had done. Buck, I must be worse off than I thought...
Twilight tried to get up, but fell backwards, knocking her glass, and the table, flying. The drunken mare just giggled as she lay on the floor.
"C'mon... lets get you to bed." Luna sighed, lifting Twilight onto her back, then headed for the stairs to the bedroom.
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Luna woke up bleary and with a pounding headache in the morning... she had no clue how she got to bed. She remembered little of last night, she hoped nothing bad happened.
So how're we feeling this morning? Celestia's voice was bright and cheery,
Shut it Celestia...
I told you not to, but nooooo, you just ignored your big sister who just wanted to prevent this.
I'm paying for it, am I not?
Not enough. She trilled, So I'm going to punish you!
Luna groaned What do you want me to do?
For disobeying my express orders, you're going to tell TwilIght about Lunacy! She sounded triumphant.
Luna gasped out loud... Please anything but that! I'll do anything else you want me to, just not that!
Nope. That is your punishment. Luna could almost hear the smile of glee in Celestia's voice.
Luna hung her head in defeat and got up to find something for the hangover. In the bathroom she heard Twilight coughing over the toilet... I guess she drank more than I did... surprising, for such a lightweight.
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After an uneventful day, spent mostly in silence to get over the copious drinking from last night, Luna lay outside on the grass under the moonlight. It had been a couple of hours since she had raised the moon and she was too warm, the night was close and muggy for late autumn, and Twilight kept popping into her head. As much as she loved that mare, she knew her feelings would never be accepted by Twilight. This, on top of everything else, put her in a bad mood.
OOOOH LUNAAAAAAA... her sister wailed in her head.
Not now, Celestia.
But... I'm loooonely and you're so saaaaad tonight.
I don't care. I'm trying to help Twilight.
You're no fun... Which reminds me, did you tell her about Lunacy?
No I damn well did not. I was a little busy trying to stop Twilight throwing her guts up.
Celestia went quiet for a moment - Luna dared to hope that the serious nature of Luna's thoughts had made her see sense - before mind speaking again.
You'd better tell her, or I will.
And what about Trollestia...? Luna threatened.
She's not going to be my marefriend, not at this rate, so she doesn't need to know. Celestia's voice attempted nonchalance, but Luna could hear the bitterness it hid.
Hah and you think she'll be mine? I highly doubt that!
Ooohh, it seems I've struck a nerve... but you must be mad to not see she likes you... or it's Lunacy.
IT IS NOT LUNACY!! And besides... I know she doesn't like me. Luna's mental voice was wistful.
Celestia decided to have a poke around some of lunas thoughts what she saw made her shake her head before replying in a sing-song voice, Lunaaaaaaacccccyyyy comes up with some really... bucked up ideas! You should go away Lunacy, bring back Luna!
I told you, Lunacy no longer exists! And besides, Lunacy was never another personality, unlike Trollestia and Mo-
A sudden, incredibly loud mental burst of music cut Luna off, she clutched her head in pain.
WE NEVER MENTION THAT!! Remember that! You swore to a Princesses Oath. Celestia said in a deadly serious voice, getting more quiet and more tightly controlled as she went on, Luna could hear the capital letters on the words.
S-s-sorry I... forgot.
See that it doesn't happen again. Celestia finished in a lighter tone, Goodnight... Lunacy.
Troll. Luna shot back before casting the spell to cut off her sister for the remainder of the night.
Luna headed back inside, Celestia's half-evil attempt to cheer her up had worked though, because Luna felt a little happier. Her eyes found Twilight, who was writing something on a scroll, but as Luna approached Twilight quickly picked up the scroll and made it disappear.
"You can't sneak up on me, Luna." Twilight turned her head just enough to give the princess a triumphant look.
Drat i wanted to see what she wrote too...
She blinked as her mental cut-off spell was brushed aside, Twilight just sent me a scroll... Celestia chuckled, and its really juicy.
Luna just stood there in shock, her spell had been countered... and Twilight had sent Celestia a scroll... containing something juicy? Before she could get over the double surprise a sudden burst of smoke caused a new scroll to appear in front of Twilight.
"Luna?" Twilight asked, still reading the scroll, "Celestia says you have 5 days to tell me about 'Lunacy'... Actually I'm quite curious as to what or who Lunacy is..."
At this Luna accidently managed to teleport herself out of sheer embarrassment.
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47588 rainbowpie why you put so many yes's
It updated! FINALLY. I agree with RainbowPie xD
Wow, that's quite a pickle. Of course they forgot that this soul binding happened during a period of intense magical discharge, and under those circumstance it could be bound to something more disposable, like a...soul gem? that's what there for after all, and then Twilight could make an awesome enchanted bow that shoots rainbooms!
Oh my...this is getting intense...great work on this one, really enjoyed it.
*shakes my head* i dont like chapter 4....it just doesnt feel right so im going to change it around a bit and then re-upload it...
NO NO NO i hate chapter 4 i hate it...its deffinantly going to get rewrote completely...curse my stupidity to think i could a intense chapter in 2 hours....4000 words of utter crap!
YAY awesome revision!
I didnt mind the way it was, but the revision IS nice
oooooooooooooooooooooh!!!!!!!!! awesome!!! can't wait for the next chapter!
great story so far I'd give it a 4.5/5
the whole idea of the story is brilliant so 5/5 for that, but the writing I'd give a 4/5
Your going through the story awfully fast, I felt like you could fave written so much more at the parts where twilight was getting mad at her friends, or at least been a bit more descriptive. The dialog between celestia, luna and twi can be a bit awkward at times. The nightmaremoon parts are great so i feel like you should have her in it more. Overall it's a very good story and i can't wait for the next chapter!
54629 I know what ya mean when I first started writing it I was trying to get it out as fast as possible and now I kind of regret it.
I kinda have to agree with Shauno5166. This story has great promise and is keeping me entertained, not to mention laughing, but...it's really one jumbled mess. There's missing periods EVERYWHERE, commas where periods should be, missing italics during some thoughts while it's there for others, run-on sentences everywhere, a severe lack of details in many places, misspelled words here and there, a lot more. Please don't think I'm nagging you or trying to be mean; I'm just telling you what I saw. I copy and pasted all four chapters on Microsoft Word and saved it (since that's what I do with all stories that I find myself liking), but being the grammar Nazi that I am, I constantly have to keep correcting things as I go along. It's not dreadful enough for me to want to stop reading, but it IS distracting.
As for the story itself...it's a pretty good idea, not to mention both funny and freaky at the same time. I love the parts where Luna and Celestia tease, mock and torture one another; those moments are priceless. However...the whole thing could use a lot more details; it seems you're REALLY rushing. I don't like to use that word, since it's overused by commenters, but...it's true. First you'll have Twilight crying...then going to sleep...then waking up...then going to go apologize...then yelling at Nightmare Moon...then more crying...then more sleep. You really need to slow down; this story is great otherwise. I love the idea of Twilight x Luna/Celestia, too; it's adorable. I kinda wish Nightmare Moon wasn't so evil and rotten, though...I wish she'd learn.
Do keep going, though! Good luck to you and the rest of what you do with this.
58268 well honestly that happened for 2 reasons One i tried to take on too much at once trying to get like 4 3000 word chapters out in like 2 days and two is simply i don't really write shipping or romance or psychology i prefer action and horror....so this for me is out of my element...but keep pointing out mistakes and once i get the chance ill correct them as i go along...But once ive finished this you can count on my next story being 100 times better
just me or is it starting to sound like luna was in a prono
This is more funny than sad XD
Love this chapter, Sworn to secrecy regarding Molestia
. Seems Celestia is more unhinged than Luna, who suffered a bout of Lunacy and Nightmare Moon.