As instructed, two of Luna’s Guards were flying low over the area between the border of the Everfree and the outskirts of Ponyville.
“See anything?” asked one.
“Nothing worth noting ma’am,” replied the other. They flew in silence for a few more minutes, when all of a sudden they both noticed what sounded like trees being sawn down. They halted and looked at one another, and then scanned the area, trying to pinpoint the source.
Corporal Sable, the senior of the two, nudged her companion and pointed at a cloud house about a hundred feet away.
“Look there, Private. It’s coming from that pegasus’ house,” she said.
“What could it be, Corporal?”
“I don’t know, and I doubt it has anything to do with our mission, but we’d best investigate. Somepony could be in trouble.” They quickly closed the distance and hovered at the front door. From this range the noise was unbearable, so they both took a moment and covered their sensitive ears!
“Auugh, what is that?!” cried Private Nocturne.
“Come on, we’re going in!” yelled the Corporal. Two kicks from her powerful back legs and they were through the door. They both located the origin and the Corporal said, “Through there!” as she pointed ahead. They both raced forward and kicked open the door of…a bedroom? Before them, lying on her back, was a certain rainbow colored pegasus. The sound of their entering caused her snoring to falter and halt as she drowsily sat up.
“Zzz—what? Who?” She looked sleepily around, and her eyes widened as she took in the sight of the two Guards staring at her in shock.
“What the heck are you two doing in my house?!”
Corporal Sable was the first to recover. “Ahem. We apologize, citizen. We heard a frightening noise and thought somepony needed help. Turns out it was you snoring.”
Rainbow Dash turned red in the face. “What are you talking about?! I don’t snore!”
The two Guards exchanged glances, and then Sable said, “Very sorry for the misunderstanding. We’ll be on our way.”
“Hang on!” said Dash. “What are Night Guards doing in Ponyville?”
“I’m afraid that’s classified, citizen.”
Rainbow got to her feet. “Oh, no you don’t! You don’t bust into my house, call me ‘citizen’, then leave without an explanation! Don’t you know who I am? I’m Rainbow Dash! Now tell me what’s going on!”
Private Nocturne’s eyes widened. “You’re Rainbow Dash? The Rainbow Dash?!”
Somewhat mollified at his tone, Dash replied, “So you have heard of me. Good, that should make this easy. I want answers!”
Corporal Sable shook her head. “I’m sorry, Ms. Dash. Our orders are very specific, and they come straight from Her Highnesses Luna and Twilight.”
“Twilight? Now we’re talking. Where is she?”
“Princess Twilight is currently at the Apple Family Farm, or she was an hour ago,” said Sable.
“Fine,” said Dash, “I’ll just ask her.” As she flew through her house and surveyed the wreckage of her doors, she turned to them and said, “Somepony is paying for this damage. What are your names?”
The senior bat pony swallowed, and then said, “I am Corporal Sable, and this is Private Nocturne.”
“Sable. Nocturne. Good to know.” She then turned and flew off in the direction of the farm. The two watched her recede into the distance.
“Think we’ll be in trouble, Corporal?”
The Corporal sighed. “Our intentions were good, Private, but I don’t know. Let’s get back to the mission.”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
As she made her way to the farm, Rainbow’s keen eyesight noticed other pairs of Guards in the distance.
“Something really big must be going on,” she said to herself. She looked down and saw she was nearing a familiar cottage. “I’d better let Fluttershy know what’s happening.” With that, she flew down and alighted at her friend’s door.
“Fluttershy! Open up!” said Dash as she hammered at the entrance…
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
This truly is a fascinating creature.
Fluttershy and Char-Elles had been speaking to one another for about an hour or so. In that time they’d learned many things about each other, and the worlds from which they came. This… “hue-mon” had said many things that surprised her, and vice versa. Some of the words did not translate well, like ‘phone’ or ‘TV’, but she understood most of what he was saying. He, in turn, seemed most fascinated by ordinary things like her wings.
“Yes, I can fly with them, but…I’m not a very good flier.”
He made a request.
“Okay…but you’ll see.” Spreading her wings, she slowly flapped them and hovered in place, flew up to the ceiling and then she landed. The hue-mon’s eyes got big, and he smiled and clapped those “hands”. Fluttershy blushed.
“Thank you, you’re too kind, but that really wasn’t impressive. Wait until you see my friend Rainbow Dash!”
He asked a question.
“Soon, I think. We’ll be meeting all my friends, and maybe Twilight can find a way to get you home. She’s the smartest pony I know.”
He looked skeptical, if she was reading his expression correctly, and then asked another question.
“No, she’s an Alicorn, not a unicorn, and her use of magic is much better than a unicorn’s. She’ll be able to help you.”
Here he muttered something that sounded like the word “impossible.” She sighed. In the course of their conversation, this was the one point at which they’d kept getting stuck: the hue-mon did not seem to be accepting the fact that magic existed here. She could not imagine a place without magic, as he insisted was the case on… “Earth.” But now it was time to get some help. They’d spent enough time talking, and she was just about to suggest they go into Ponyville and find Twilight when there came a loud hammering on her door. Even before she heard the voice, she knew which pony it was.
“Fluttershy! Open up!”
The hue-mon looked startled, and she hastily assured him that it was okay, that’s just one of the friends she’d been talking about. She went to her door and opened it.
“Hey, Fluttershy,” said Dash. “I thought you should know Luna’s Guards are all over the place, looking for something I think.” She started to walk in when Fluttershy stopped her.
“I…I think I know what they’re looking for. Or actually, who they’re looking for. But please, Dash…stay calm,” she added as she swung the door wide.
“Stay calm? What for? You hiding something…” she trailed off as she looked through her doorway and saw what was seated on the couch. She just stared, as a creature she’d never seen before…smiled nervously at her and waved.
(Three…
Two…
One…)
“Gaaahhh!! What is that?!” cried Dash.
“Please Dash! I asked you to stay calm!”
She pointed and yelled, “What is that thing? And what’s it doing in your house?!”
The creature had stumbled to its feet and backed away at her outburst.
“His name is Char-Elles, and he’s a hue-mon! He’s a friend!”
Rainbow looked at her as if she’d lost her senses. “A ‘friend?’ How can you be friends with…that?”
“Just…just please stop yelling. I can explain if you’ll let me,” pleaded Fluttershy. She placed a hoof on one of her shoulders.
Rainbow stiffened but didn’t pull away. She also couldn’t stop staring at the… “hoo-mon”. After a few tense moments, she finally spoke.
“Alright, Fluttershy…I’ll listen. But,” and here she pointed again, “that thing better keep its distance, or I’ll buck it through a wall!”
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I should have known I’d get a reaction like this. The Fluttershy and I had been having a nice conversation, considering the circumstances. When the loud knocking came to the door, and the voice had yelled, the hairs on the back of my neck had stood up for some reason. She told me everything was fine, it was just her friend ‘Rainbow Dash’. She had then gone to the door, spoken for a few moments and then swung the door open. I then saw the one she’d described standing there, staring in at me. I tried smiling and waving, and there was a pause just long enough for me to think everything would be alright. It wouldn’t.
When she started yelling and pointing, I got up and backed away. I couldn’t understand her words, but her tone was crystal clear: she saw me as a threat. As I watched her reaction and read her expression, I realized something else: she didn’t just see me as a threat, she saw me as a monster. That…hurt.
Fluttershy spoke softly to her, while the other pegasus kept staring at me. I backed away a little more at the next outburst. I could tell this one would never accept me.
Even though the situation was tense, I noticed I could not understand Fluttershy when she wasn’t speaking directly to me. That was weird, but I reasoned it must be some of that “magic” she had mentioned. I still wasn’t ready to accept it, but it was getting harder to deny its existence. Fluttershy eventually turned and addressed me.
Please, Char-Elles…have a seat. It will be alright.
I took my time and slowly approached the couch again, then resumed my seat. The other pegasus never took her eyes off me as she backed up and sat as far away from me as she could.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Okay, Fluttershy: start talking,” said Dash.
Rainbow be in a bitch as always.
6249056
You're quite welcome, and I thank you. I had no idea that line was funny!
6249497
I'm sorry you got that impression, for that was certainly not my intention. RD may be brash, and a bit of a braggart, but I've never thought less of her for that, and she remains one of my favorites. In this portrayal, which I've tried to keep in character, she's simply dealing with an unknown entity the way I think we all would were the situation reversed, and that is with fear and anger. I think that's understandable.
In any case, thank you for your input, and for giving my story your time.
I'm not feeling a strong plot hook yet, and your chapters are a bit on the thin side. Your prose and formatting are good, though, and your main character has acted reasonably up to this point. Plus every time Fluttershy calls him "Char-Elles" I picture him as Char Aznable, and that makes me smile.
Overall, not enough for a thumbs up just yet, but I will be keeping track.
6252381
I didn't know who 'Char Aznable' was, so I looked him up. Another anime fan, pleased to meet you!
I certainly appreciate your criticism, as I am working to improve all aspects of my writing, and I need all the input I can get. Hopefully the next chapters will have earned that thumbs up. Thanks for your time!
6252447 I look forward to seeing where this goes.
Also, anime fan who ain't seen Gundam!? Wat!?
Really liking this so far. I get the feeling I won't get much sleep tonight.
I love that detail. Goes a long way to cementing Fluttershy's communication as an innate magic part of her talent.
Interesting. This story might go somewhere if you've got a plot set up after character establishment.
Although, I must ask, why does everyone except Fluttershy seem terrified of ol' Chuck over here? I could imagine it if he'd been turned into a giant cockroach, but he's just an erect, hairless, smooth skinned ape. "Beast" I could understand, but I'd say that "thing" is a word that should moreso be reserved for something truly horrible or disgusting.
Also: Hue-mons.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a4/97/7a/a4977af92fb345ccca2ede3e3d495533.jpg
It would've been awesome if RD saw Charles as just another of Fluttershy's many critter friends and thought nothing more of him, especially if he didn't stand up. Then, when RD goes see Twilight & AJ to find out what they're looking for, gets the description of the 2-legged monster from AJ, and not recognize Charles from it (since he never stood up in her presence)...but that's just MHO.
Oblividiot RD makes a Funny RD
Rainbow Dash: "Yeah! That so tru-- --wait--whut wuzzat?"
Charles' actions & reactions are pretty reasonable up to now; the ponies--a bit borderline, but rather typical of many stories here. It's definitely got potential. So far, I like where this is going.
It was fine, the way you brought rainbow into this was pretty terrible though, really guards mistake snoring for an attack?! Good thing they remembered to mention that they were up to something as well. Could have been more eloquently done. The results were fine though.
6525812
That's just it: to a great number of the ponies, Charles is horrible and disgusting. I've expounded on this in other Groups, but consider: We are bipedal carnivores with tiny eyes and sharp teeth. While the ponies have seen hands before on minotaurs and Spike, those were all of the four-digit variety, so there's more weirdness with our five-digit ones. Add to that he appeared in the middle of the night, with no explanation and no way to communicate with the majority of the populace, and you have the makings for some nightmare fuel.
6672532
Yeah...that was my one attempt at humor. It's not my fortè.
In any case, thank you for giving this story your time!
It's a bit presumptuous of him to assume that R.D. will never accept him. He CAN'T be that good at reading an alien species having only interracted with two and only having spoken to one for a very short time. Nobody could be.