Equestria's Hammiest Villain

by Dirty Bit

Chapter 5

Chapter 5
Got A Beef?

After Rainbow Dash said her farewells to her friends, and after a third cupcake that Chuckles so desperately desired, he, Pinkie, and Fluttershy resumed their tour of Ponyville. Pinkie was busy naming off many houses and landmarks while her guest showed interest for any building that didn't look the same.

Along the way, Chuckles had never realized that Rarity was a fashionista herself after Pinkie had shown her home and workplace, Carousel Boutique. He wondered if he could possibly talk shop with her and see if he couldn't spice up his Evil Lair Boutique back home.

The three found themselves following a path that moved away from Ponyville and lead towards a vast farm with acres of land and enough apple trees to make an apple forest. Looking at the farm, Chuckles grew uneasy as Pinkie carried him towards it. Fluttershy was quick to catch on.

"Mr. Chuckles? Is there something wrong?" Fluttershy asked in concern.

"Huh?" The dark lord quickly snapped his head to face Fluttershy before grinning nervously "Oh, there's nothing wrong. The cupcake's just got me gassy is all."

"Well, maybe if a certain pig didn't have three cupcakes in a row~." Pinkie said pointedly before Pinkie giggled "I'm joking! I'd totally eat more than just three in a row, myself. Well, good­ ones, at least." Pinkie added in a serious tone.

"Oh, Pinkie, I'm sorry you actually had to go through that when we travelled with our friends to that town a while ago." Fluttershy said penitently.

"Town? What town?" Chuckles asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Dunno. They called it Our Town when we got there. I thought it was silly at first, but it turns out that Starlight Glimmer might be bad with names." Pinkie added as she tapped her chin with a hoof.

"Who's-" Chuckles stopped himself as he shook his head, feeling as if he would distract himself "Nevermind, we got a tour to finish." He paused before looking up at the sky "And we really should, too. Does it feel like two months to anyone here?"

"Oh, I definitely feel you, Chucky!" Pinkie said as she rolled her eyes.

"Um...I don't quite get what you two are talking about. Hasn't it been five minutes since we left Sugarcube Corner?" Fluttershy asked, perplexed by what was said by her friends.

"Exactly! It's weird!" Pinkie said. She then noticed a farmhouse up ahead "Oh, here we are." Pinkie scouted the area before spotting an orange mare wearing a stetson approaching the trio. She was seen pulling a cart with four barrels full of apples, and she noticed Pinkie waving frantically at her.

"Hi, Applejack!" Pinkie greeted enthusiastically. Meanwhile, Chuckles instantly recognized her from the photo back at the castle.

"Howdy, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy." Applejack greeted her two friends before noticing Chuckles sitting on Pinkie's back. She craned her head back with a perplexed look on her face "Why in Equestria is that pig wearing a cape?" Chuckles raised an eyebrow at the orange mare.

"Maybe because I own it?" Chuckles asked, tugging at his cape, and noticed Applejack staring wide-eyed at him, causing him to sigh "Oh great, here it comes."

"Did that pig just talk?" Applejack and Chuckles chorused, although the latter did so apathetically, easily seeing it coming.

"Isn't Mr. Chuckles just wonderful?" Fluttershy asked Applejack as she briefly nuzzled his cheek, to which Chuckles wiped it in disgust. The timid pegasus was oblivious to his action as she continued while facing Applejack "He just moved in from Baltimare. Pinkie and I are giving him a tour of Ponyville before she throws him a party." The farmpony gave Chuckles a calculating gaze followed by a hum before looking at her two friends.

"Are ya sure they even have talkin' pigs in Baltimare?" Applejack asked "Because th' ones I have don't even speak a word, unless ya count oink." Chuckles instantly perked up.

"Wait, you keep pigs here?" He instantly sped over and pointed an accusing hoof at Applejack "For what purpose exactly? Answer me!!" The three ponies were caught off-guard by his sudden shift of behavior.

"Easy there, sugarcube." Applejack said, attempting to calm the dark lord with a hoof held up in a placating gesture "Ah don't do anythin' bad to them. Ah just give 'em a home here at Sweet Apple Acres."

"Likely story..." Chuckles squinted his eyes at Applejack.

"It's true. They're perfectly fine livin' here on the farm." Applejack said, pointing to a nearby pigpen. The pigs seem comfortable, oinking contently as they sat in their home. Although, only one pig happed to hold a large sign saying 'Send help!' in their mouth.

"Oh, it looks like Milton's writing has improved." Fluttershy smiled, although felt awkward upon reading the sign "I think he needs to work on words that don't send the wrong message, though..." Milton was seen putting down one sign, and then replacing it with another that said 'I like cheese', making Fluttershy giggle.

"That is one smart pig." Pinkie nodded respectfully, making Chuckles stare at her in deadpan.

"He sure is." Applejack said pridefully before looking over at Chuckles "Speakin' of pigs, Ah'm curious as to what life fer ya was like back at Baltimare, iffin' what ya said was true." Chuckles stammered before regaining his composure.

"Well, of course it is! What do you take me for? A liar?" Chuckles said tersely before grinning. Applejack shook her head.

"Just skeptical is all. A talkin' pig's one thing, but a talkin' pig from Baltimare just begs all kinds o' questions. Do ya have any friends where yer from?"

"Oh, of course I do! I mean, I even sent them a lovely note on how I already miss them before stopping here at Ponyville." Chuckles said, feigning innocence in his words.
_____

Meanwhile, in the land of Udrogoth, A large and fearsome troll was seen approaching the city, growling and stomping his feet as he made his way inside, causing the townsfolk to scream and run in fear. The beast continued his path through the market street before finally approaching the castle.

Stopping at the door, he clenched a fist and brought it back with a frightening glare and quickly brought it forward before gently knocking the door with a docile look on his face. A few seconds later, the door opened to reveal a muscular man wearing a red tunic with a matching bandanna, and large black bracers on his arms. On his back was a sword with a feminine face on the hilt that appeared to be bored.

"Yes?" The man asked politely in a tone that betrayed his appearance.

"Um, is this the home of Dave the Barbarian and his family?" The troll asked in a deep, but sophisticated tone. He brought up a fist and revealed a rolled parchment "I came to deliver this."

"Oh, I'm Dave. Thank you!" Dave responded, taking the parchment that was offered to him and was even kind enough to tip the troll with a drekel before seeing him off. He was oblivious to the sound of screaming heard in the city as he decided to read the letter that was given to him.

"Dear fools, you thought you had finally beaten me ever since you grew bored with messing with me while I was wearing the happy glasses? Ha! Think again! I'm already amassing an army powerful enough to bring you and the rest of Udrogoth to its knees. If you're so bold as to defy my mighty mightiness, feel free to stop by my lair at your leisure. I'm sure you'll have plenty of fun when I'm kicking your respective keisters and laughing maniacally at your misery. Signed, the dark lord Chuckles the Silly Piggy. P.S.: If I'm not there, could you maybe give me a little time before I show up and begin our glorious battle? That would be much appreciated."

"Bejabbers!" Dave exclaimed after finishing the letter, turning to the sword on his back "Lula, we have to tell the others!"

"Really? I was under the impression we had to go over to the lair ourselves and get brutally massacred." Lula snarked with a deadpan look on her face. Not choosing to respond to her jab, Dave quickly retreated inside his home to warn his family about Chuckles' threat.

End of Chapter 5

Author's Note:

Hooray! I did a thing! And before you ask: No, they won't be following Chuckles into Equestria. This is his story.

I hope you'll like what's to come from this story. Let me tell you, it's hard trying to reach the show's level of comedy

Enjoy the chapter. Peace!

Comments

[nightmaster0]

Great chapter.