interlude chapter: The Mirror (alternate)
Just so it's clear to everyone this is pretty much the same chapter as the last one just with a different ending feel free to skip to the part after they've gone through the portal since the rest is just copy and paste.
*Canterlot Castle halls*
Twilight and Jake were walking alone through the halls of Canterlot Castle. The reason why is because Twilight had offered to give Jake a tour of the castle, which he had accepted. Twilight told Jake all about the history of Canterlot Castle and the various rooms she showed to him. A lot of the information was boring, and Jake could care less for, but he was interested in some of the legends like Nightmare Moon, Starswirl the Bearded, and Tirek. Things went on like this until Twilight mentioned something that caught Jake's ear. "This room used to hold the Crystal Mirror, that's the mirror that leads to the human world. It was relocated to the Crystal Empire for Princess Cadance to watch over. But after my first adventure through the portal and once I got my own castle it was relocated there so I could study it on my own."
"Did you just say portal to the human world?" Jake asked remembering Fluttershy mentioning the mirror before.
"Yes, why?" Twilight asks staring, then realizes. "Oh."
"Can you take me to see it?"
"Sure, but I don't think-"
"Well then, let's go see if it'll take me home."
"But, don't you want to say goodbye to everyone before you leave?"
"I can come back through the portal right?"
"Well yes."
"Then let's at least see if it works." Twilight pondered this for a moment before she nodded yes and charged her horn, preparing it to teleport them to her castle. Twilight and Jake became surrounded in a light violet sphere, and suddenly they teleported to Twilight's castle. Twilight felt a little dizzy after that, and Jake asked her "Are you alright?"
"Yeah I'm just fine. Teleporting over such a long distance is a bit of a strain."
"Okay, so where's the mirror?"
"Right this way." Twilight led him through the map room and past her Dining Hall straight to the portal room. "Well here it is."
Jake studied the mirror. It was somewhat in the shape of a horseshoe with mirror glass in the center. It looked kinda fancy but more towards equine standards. There were a lot of wavy designs on the outside and two small steps leading up to it. There was also what looked almost like a smaller mirror perched on top of the larger one, this one had the shape of a pony in it. Could this thing really take him home?
"Are you ready to give it a try?" Twilight asked.
"Let's go."
"Wait a moment I need to set everything up." Twilight said this as she began moving several objects around. Wires, a pumping mechanism, and finally a book with Celestia's symbol on it which she placed on a weird looking shelf platform above the mirror. After that the book started to glow and magical energy coils wrapped around the electrical antennas, wires, and do-hickeys. Magic began flowing through the entire mechanism and the pumping machine began spewing out magical glowing paper. Finally the mirror itself glowed with a bright pink light from which Twilight and Jake shielded their eyes. When they looked back the mirror had a glowing pink vortex where the mirror glass used to be.
Twilight smiled and said "There we go."
"Let's go." Jake said.
"Wait." Twilight stopped Jake before he just walked through the portal. "I should warn you it's a pretty crazy ride. You'll feel very... uncomfortable once you go through."
"Nothing I can't handle." Jake said with a grin.
"Alright then let's go." Twilight smiled and they both walked into the portal. Suddenly everything was spinning and colors flashed before Jake's eyes, but there was something else he felt like something was changing or something was moving on him. Then everything went black.
Jake's eyes slowly began to open and his vision was very blurry. In fact it stayed blurry for far longer than it probably should have. Once it all finally cleared up everything still seemed a little off, like his eyes had shifted positions or moved to the side of his head, or something. However looking around Jake began to see things he recognized, tall buildings, cars driving trough the streets, heck the building in front of him and Twilight appeared to be some kind of school. Speaking of Twilight where was she?
Jake tried to stand up from the awkward position he was in to look for Twilight but heard a strange sound as soon as he moved his feet. 'Clip clop.' What was that? Jake was struggling to stand up properly, he managed to get onto all fours and decided to look down to see what was going on. What he saw would shock him for the rest of his life. He had hooves, he-he was a pony! He was a pony! Wait no something was different, his fur wasn't colorful, he was taller than a pony like Twilight and he didn't have any mark on his... flank? Why was he thinking about this he just changed into a horse!
"What the heck is going on!?" Jake's scream alerted the girl next to him. The girl's skin was purple and she wore a dark purple skirt with a blue shirt.
The girl turned toward him and asked "Jake is that you?"
"Twilight?" Jake asked.
"What happened to you?!" They both yelled at each other. The yelling drew attention of some of the students that happened to be nearby and they came to see what the commotion was all about. Jake stared at the students coming towards them. They all had different skin colors red, blue, grey, nothing that looked 'normal'. Whatever this place was it wasn't Earth.
"Take me back! Take me back!" Jake screamed and Twilight immediately grabbed Jake and pulled him back through the portal they came through, which happened to be a white statue monument with a horse on the top of it. Going back through the portal Jake saw the bright colors again and felt his body begin shifting again and everything faded to black.
Jake opened his eyes and discovered he was back in Twilight's portal room. He looked around and found Twilight sprawled out on the floor. Jake bent down and helped her up. "So can you explain to me what just happened?" he asked.
"I'm not quite sure but the mirror portal appears to have altered you into an equine once you passed through it, like how it turned me into a human."
"Why did it turn you into a human? Or me into a horse for that matter?"
"I expected it to turn me into a human since that's what happened before, but I admit I didn't think you would change. To be honest I don't really know why. I think I can figure it out but it'll take a while. I think we should just head back to Canterlot for now." Jake sighed but reluctantly agreed. Unfortunately for Jake he needed to find a new way home.
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It's good but I prefer the other one
6218796 If Tempest tries again Jake probably won't let up this time, he already gave him a second chance and he wasted it. No mercy next time. Yeah it's not a great punishment I guess I'm not that creative yet. I do however need Tempest to come back later though for what I have planned so unfortunately a life changing punishment was almost out of the question. Sorry
6219135 I honestly haven't read that many stories with a character who acts like this. Maybe that's just me, that was part of the reason why I wanted to do him like that, but I think in my future stories I'll try to make the characters a little less morally superior since not everyone seems to like what I did here. I hope everyone sticks around to the end cause I think it'll be pretty satisfying. (I hope)
6219159 LOL
6219287 Calm down there's more to come.
6219305 Everyone keeps telling me humans are too forgiving in hie's but I honestly don't think I've read that many that have that sort of thing, maybe I'm just weird. But honestly the ones I do read I enjoyed for the most part because when I look at a character who's able to forgive something that seems impossible to forgive I see it as the character rising above themselves and trying to be the better person, and I like that sort of thing. I guess I should've handled mine a little better though.
6219316 I understand your point, but there must be a process of forgiveness, sweep everything under the rug is very toxic to a personal relationship
problems should be discussed
in these stories is very common that position
the protagonist suffers horribly a misunderstanding and the way instantly forgives.
in this story, luna acts based solely on prejudice and acts based on them
and in the end she blames the researcher, from its own negligence and poor judgment
She should show more remorse and admit that she is just as responsible for almost ruining the life of an innocent
about the protagonist he is a very delicate position, he is at the mercy of them and is obliged to act submissive after all what happened.
6219539 He hasn't exactly forgiven Tempest he's just letting go of the past. He did let Tempest face punishment (yes I know it was a gentle punishment and it's a flaw but for the story I need Tempest to be able to come back if you have advice for a better punishment I'd love to hear it), Jake simply wants justice not revenge. Your point about Luna is very good and I'll see what I can do about it in the future but no promises since this is still my first story and I'm bound to make mistakes. I guess people don't see the character the way I do (but then again why would they) and this'll probably just be one of the flaws in the story that I will learn from next time. Thank you for your comment, and have a nice day.
cool
... slightly disappointed. Was hoping he'd go to the Equestria Girls universe like he was normally, then return to find himself in a pony's body. Would be an interesting way to change how the story develops.
6219607
Would tempest need to come back with his magic?
6221664 Yes yes he does, but I have a way around that.
6221671
Alright then my idea wouldn't work... I was going to suggest no magic but.... Maybe... Noo... Alright I can't think of one that would keep his transgressions a secret... I mean the most painful thing you could do is have my oc drop out of the sky, tempest use him, and eventually rip his soul out piece by piece-which is quite painful- but that would get rid of tempest and make way for an energy stealing god to destroy equus... So yah... Probably not the approach your going for sooo... I got nuthin'.
(BTW my oc is a sword)
Well this is probably one of my less winded comments... That says something about me doesn't it...
The story telling is decent but the writing is not that great. It is improving though so to be honest the best thing you can do is keep writing and look closely at what's different between you and more successful authors.
6222905 Thanks.
6219607
"He hasn't forgiven him, he's just forgiving him." That's exactly what this sentence means... What you really mean is that, "He's letting Tempest get away with crimes against humanity that got people executed back home. Oh and he is trying to be the bigger man."
Then it's not a punishment, and just writing it off as a flaw is an excuse. If you want to be a better writer, take that line of "it's a flaw" and react to it like as if it was a life-or-death matter. Flaws, especially when they've been pointed out, destroy stories, and should not be accepted as normal fare. A flaw means "you fucked up". Ignoring the blatant flaws in the story, like the punishment, doesn't make you a rookie writer, it makes you a shitty one. This isn't a professionally published story, so you can retcon things all you want. If you've found an error that completely throws the reader out of the suspension of disbelief (like the BS you called a punishment), then you need to unpublish the chapter, fix it, and then republish it.
Don't care. You are the writer, you can do whatever you please. Add in other characters, add in additional plots, make the whole thing a plot within a plot, Deus Ex Machina the hell out of it, if you have to (just, for the love of God, don't make it painfully blatant). Just using the excuse "I'm a rookie" to justify poor writing doesn't help you, it hurts you. Experiment, take a risk, do something. If it doesn't work, take it down and try again. I have a story that I'm working on (original fiction) that I've given to friends to read. There have been times where they said that a certain section was horrible, and so I rewrote it, then gave it to them again. One section, I did that process around ten times until I had a something that I liked and was proud of (I'm still working on that story). That's what it means to be rookie writer. Make mistakes, own up to them, and then fix them. You've done the first two, now fix it.
There are groups that exist solely for this reason. Even professional authors turn to others and ask for assistance. You have tools provided, make use of them. Get a small group together to help review and edit you chapters before you post them. That, alone, will rapidly improve your story's quality (provided that they know that they are doing).
If he was a cop (of which you say he is, but he sure doesn't act like it), then he would know the difference, and that letting an unrepentant criminal off with a slap on the wrist is the absolute worst thing you can do.
You'll just recognizes the errors, but ignore them completely because "you're a rookie". I don't care that you've recognized them (which shows you at last have some hope of improving), fixing them matters more.
Of course we don't, but we can if the characters are well thought out and have logical/internally-consistent reasoning behind their actions, thoughts, and dialogue. Tempest is a villain that honestly believes he's doing that right thing, but in reality is a fucking piece of shit that is willing to torture and experiment on those he deems to be a lesser being than himself. That's fine for a character. You just have to make us see that. Or is it that you are trying to show different? If that's the case, then you need to start rationally looking at your characters. No intelligent, rational person in the world can look at Tempest and think that he can justify anything that he has done.
I'd rather see that you learned and applied it for now, not for next time. If I hadn't already lost all interest in the story, this would have completely sunk it. If all I have to look forward to is the same level of mediocrity, without any basic evidence of even attempting to improve, then I'm not going to continue.
For a first fanfic, this rates a "Meh, I've read better, I've read worse". A lot of the issues that came up, I expected. Dialogue grammar had issues, word-repetition issues, POV shifting was bad (pick a PoV and stick with it; first person with a limited view or third person with an omnipresent view are the two most popular in my experience) as it mixed first person and third person as well as omnipresent and limited viewpoints, and then just plain rushing. The one thing I can't tolerate, even from a first fic story, is the unrealistic forgiveness. There's no character growth in it. It feels completely forced, and makes me disgusted with the character I'm supposed to sympathize with. It completely destroyed my immersion (what little there was, but that's expected from a first fic) and did the same for my interest in the story. That's not just a "rookie mistake", that's a royal fuck up and it needs to get fixed ASAP.
As for the good things, I hate to say it, but the only really good point of the story was the plot idea. The concept that the story is based on is one I really enjoy, and it has a ton of potential. The execution is very poor, but that can be improved (which you've only shown a halfhearted willingness to do thus far, maybe that'll change). Experience, as it usually is, is the best teacher. Keep writing, keep making mistakes and fixing them, and listen to criticism. Do those three things, and you will improve. It just takes time.
PS: Sorry if I come across as harsh. I find that bluntness has a greater track record of achieving results than being overly kind. I'm also a firm believer in the Gibb's smack. "A slap to the face is an insult. A slap to the back of the head is a wake-up call."
6233406 For your first statement letting go of something and forgiving the person for doing it are in fact two very different things. letting it go means you're not going to let it consume you and become a must needed act of revenge. If Jake met Tempest again he would be mad and would probably try to avoid him altogether.
For your second, and third statement I'm not ignoring the flaw, and I'm not using my rookieness as an excuse. I simply stated that I'm going to make mistakes because IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN it is up to me to fix these flaws and I fully intend to. The reason I published it before it was completely corrected is because 1 I didn't feel like the flaw was worth holding the entire story up for that long over what would probably amount to one sentence. and 2 I hoped to get help from the readers like you to help me fix it like how you asked your friends what they thought of the story you wrote.
For your fourth statement I hate to sound like a little kid but could you give me some advice on how exactly to do something like that? I'm not very internet savvy so I don't know all that much. And if you can't help me could you direct me to someone who can? I'd appreciate it. Also I'm keeping the fact that I'm writing this a secret from most of my friends so asking them for help isn't really an option for me (I have reasons don't ask). Maybe you could put me in touch with a good editor since I'm new to this site. If not that's okay too.
For your fifth statement Jake may have been a cop but he didn't always agree with the laws, sometimes he felt like things were too strict or too harsh, Jake has developed sort of his own mindset of what he believes is right and wrong (No he's not a vigilante) he follows what he believes and always tries to find a peaceful solution to things before taking harsh action, he will still obey the law as much as he can but if he knows something is totally wrong even if the law allows it he will try and find a way to stop whatever it is. In writing this I realize I clearly should have worked harder to establish this and I'll try and fix that in the future (Also I hope I explained this well enough if not I'll try again)
For your sixth statement I didn't mean to establish that I'm not going to try and fix them I plan to but if I can't do it just yet then I can't it might take me several years to rewrite or it could take me a day. When I said no promises I meant that in the sense that my original plan was to leave the story mostly as is fixing things I know are flaws, then once I've got more experience under my belt try and rewrite it from the ground up but keeping this here so I can look back some day and see I've come a long way since my first story.
For your seventh statement when I wrote "then again why would they" I meant that I understand why people won't see the character the way I do. I messed up with not establishing the characters well enough from the beginning, a problem I will fix. I actually have an idea that might help me establish Tempest a little more. I want your advice on this idea, in a nutshell I have an idea for a scene that will make the readers better understand why Tempest is the way he is (if it works of course) however the scene comes later in the story as kind of a realization point. I want to know if you think this is a good idea or if I should just try to establish this earlier, or should I try both? Thank you.
For your final statement as for me only showing a half-heartedness to want to improve well I'm sorry it came off that way since I really do want to improve. As for the unrealistic forgiveness, sorry about that I think if you stick around for what I have planned it might make you feel more acceptant of this (in this fic), but maybe not. As for the punishment my only excuse is that this is the mlp world it's generally a lot nicer than our Earth (I'm not saying it's as nice as the show portrays but still a little nicer than ours) so I think the punishment will be gentler than it would be on Earth, I still plan on improving this flaw and many others. As for the dialogue, and grammar mistakes I hate when people do this they complain about it and then don't actually tell the person what the problems are. Yu basically said "hey there's a problem with your story" "Thank you for alerting me so I can fix it where is the problem located?" "Find it yourself." "Thanks for nothing." okay now that my rant is over what's next?
My character development was going to come up soon actually if only you'd held on a little longer. Oh well I'll try and make the characters more interesting once I've completed what will essentially be the rough draft of the rest of the story. Right now I'm trying to finish before I start college because I'm worried that college will suck away all of my time and motivation for the story like it has so many other authors. I want to be able to say I at least "completed my story" even if it's not exactly "Finished" better to finish a little bit bruised up than to not finish at all. I am listening to the criticism.
All in all thank you for the comment it was a little harsh but not too bad. I'll my best try to improve like you've asked. Maybe when I rewrite this you'll try it again. Good luck on your own story, and I hope you have a good day.
6244898 I'll try that once I get the rest of the chapters finished (in rough draft form) I'm trying to get all the chapters out before I start college and I'm running out of time.
6242974 Be patient there's more to come and it might satisfy you. Just wait.
6249247
That's what "forgiving him" means. Forgiving someone is not an act for the receiver of the forgiveness, but rather for the giver.
It sounds like it when you bring it up several times after the original acknowledgement of being one. This might be more of a miscommunication than an actual issue, since we're using a text-based communication method (and therefore lack the tone and nonverbal ques that statements usually have attached to them). Plus, I read through everything (story and comments) in a short time frame where you had weeks/months between each chapter. The multiple "I'm a rookie" comments look like they've been stated fairly rapidly, when the timestamps actually say otherwise (and I generally don't pay attention to timestamps unless I really need to).
All were rookies at some point in time, so never hesitate to ask questions. My ideas might be a little difficult to pull off (especially for newer writers) as they require a lot of focus on intrigue and the concept of "plots within plots", but they can work.
Have a faction of ponies that are operating in the shadows (no one knows they exist save for members) that want to dethrone the princesses. With Tempest being thrown into prison for life, they decide to break him out and use him as a pawn in their plans. They bribe/extort/blackmail/infiltrate/influence/intercept Tempest's trip to the prison and make him disappear. From there, they work with Tempest to try and frame Jake for a serious crime, "proving" that Tempest was right and the princesses were wrong. They then try to use this issue to get the general populace to agree with them that the princesses shouldn't be in power.
One thing I should note, that's actually the simplest storyline idea I had. Others involved more outside influence (native and other humans) and a lot more international politicking.
A few groups to get assistance from:
The Writer's Group
Looking for Editors
School for New Writers
The Proofreader Group
Join one or join all of them. Up to you.
So, he's like pretty much every other cop in existence? I know several cops, and you just described them with that statement. They don't want to resort to anything other than calm and peaceful conversations. However, the only issue is that you need to be careful trying to fill that character type. Just because you personally disagree with something, doesn't mean don't have to follow it. The law is the law, and it has to be followed (as in, if it is broken, then the punishment must be handed out), even if it is unjust. Laws are black and white, punishments are not.
Like most things in life, I need to see it in execution before I can tell you whether it works or not. My advise? Try it. If it crashes and burns, take it as a lesson learned and try again. This isn't like a professional publication. If you screw up, you're not going to lose all respect of the writing community.
Personally, I doubt there is anything you can do that would change my view of the character. His conduct puts him no better than the Nazi Angel of Death in my eyes. The only form of mercy he'd get from me is a swift death via a .40 caliber lobotomy.
The reason I made that statement is that it feels like there's been a lot of things that were pointed out in the comments, that have been acknowledged but ignored. It might just be that not enough time has passed for the change to be visible, but I decided to be a little more critical then I normally would be, since you're a new author. It's a habit that some authors create that doesn't endear them to their fans, and I'd rather see that specific trait get stamped out before it takes hold. So far, you've shown a great willingness to take firmer criticism, and that in and of itself, is impressive for a rookie. $5 says that in ten years, you'll look back at this and say "What the f
was I thinking back then when I wrote this?"
That may be (and I agree with you to a large extent), but there is not a human alive that wouldn't have demanded a harsher sentence, especially from those in the law enforcement and military circles. It's the fact that he didn't even do something like pull Celestia aside and say, "You know that if you ever get in contact with my kind, they are going to demand that he [Tempest] be turned over to be tried for crimes against humanity, and if you refuse to do so you will drag Equestria into an economical war, if not an actual one, with pretty much the entire world, right?" Even a blind man would know that the politics of the situation would paint Equestria in an extremely negative light in humanity's eyes, and the light punishment would only worsen the fallout.
I know the feeling, but that's what editors and proof-readers are for. As for why I didn't point them out, it was as I said, "expected". For a first story, I'm less likely to point out every single little detail. Even then, there are much more "veteran" writers that make the same mistakes. Those fixes are less of a concern than say, the massive plot hole/deus ex machina that is the current punishment and Jake's unrealistic response to it. As I mentioned before, there is not a human alive that wouldn't have demanded a harsher sentence, especially from those in the law enforcement and military circles.
It likely will, so do your best before getting sucked in. Free time is a rarity once you get past your Freshman year.
-a guy who is just about finished with college and who tried to work on his writing during it, but gave up as 20+ page papers took over the writing time.
You'd be correct on that guess. There's a lot of potential in this story, and one of my biggest pet peeves is when an author fails to achieve that level from incompetence. You've shown that it's not incompetence that's holding you back, but inexperience. You'll learn, and I'd love to try this story again after you get some more experience under your belt.
Same to you.
6249798 in order for Jake to actually forgive Tempest, Tempest would have to actually be sorry for what he did and apologize (even then Jake would have to decide if he is worth forgiving) and so far I've clearly established that Tempest isn't sorry at all, so nope no forgiveness from Jake. (it seems like you and I have different viewpoints on forgiveness, that's fine my view makes sense to me and yours does to you)
Your idea with the conspiracy is actually kinda similar to what I had planned already but also different at the same time. I'll see how it works out
I like your suggestion of how the conversation between Celestia and Jake about Tempest's punishment should have been handled, and I think I may change it to fit with that (once I feel in the mood)
For now I think I'm going to stick with what I have for the most part until I complete all the chapters basically in rough draft form, unless I feel motivated to go back and fix a specific problem at a specific time. Once my rough draft is finished and I can actually say I technically finished my story I'll do some major fine tuning, I'll look over previous comments get an editor etc.
Honestly thank you for taking the time to comment at all I really appreciate it.
I'll be sure to join one (or all) of those groups later thank you for your help.
6263492 I'm going to change that chapter soon and try to make it feel more appropriate, Let me know what you think then. It'll be ready before I publish the next chapter so check it out then.
6268363
The dumbest (in a logical sense) part about all of that is that soldiers, by themselves, are not going to want to piss off the aliens. Why? The soldiers are going to be the ones fighting and dying in that war. They don't want that. All soldiers are anti-war, we just know when it's time to talk, and when it's time to shut up and fight.
6268363 I have a reason why Tempest was so afraid of Jake that I plan to reveal later, Tempest happened to be in a position of power and got the others to react the way he did. Hopefully the reason for Tempest doing what he did get's the reaction I want, we'll see.
I really like this story. It has a lot of supense to it which makes me want to keep reading. However, there are a few problems I have with this story:
Your writing does need a little work. Your spelling is fine but you need to focus on details and settings. Try to give more details about the setting by painting a "word picture". The dialogue does seem a little awkward and could use some polishing. Also, you need to work on your punctuation. You're not using comas when you should and it makes the sentances feel awkward.
The BIGGEST problem I have with this story is that you use A LOT of Deus ex machinas which, in my opinion, should NEVER be used in fiction even once. There is no way that Jake should be able to perfectly dodge attacks 95% of the time. I would be fine if you made him successfully dodge a couple times throughout, but you make him avoid almost every single attack flawlessly which is impossible.
I hope that I didn't, in any way, offend and/or discourage you. I simply wish to give you advice on your writing.
As I said before, I really like this story and I wish you the best of luck.
6268667 No worries, I'm not offended, thank you for your comment. Yes my story has a lot of problems (that's to be expected since I'm new to writing) I'm not going to be fixing some of the minor problems anytime soon, my reasons being that I want to finish this story before I start college next month in case I loose all my time and motivation for working on this. That way I can say I at least finished the story before I gave up on fimfiction. I don't think I will give up on fimfiction I plan on coming back here during and after college, but some authors have quit because of college and it's entirely possible I will too, I hope not. Once I finish the all the chapters the story will then be in pretty much a rough draft form, from there I will try to get an editor to help me tweak the story better. However there is one part of the story I'm going to redo soon, Tempest of Fate part 2 a lot of people complained about things like Jake essentially forgiving Tempest, and the punishment being a joke. I knew about some of these problems but didn't know how to fix them at the time, but now I do and I plan on rewriting a large part of that chapter and I think it will be better so look forward to that it should be ready before I publish the next chapter.
So in short consider the story so far a rough draft and the finished product will come once I get an editor.
by the way Batman could totally dodge all of those attacks LOL
6268817 Sounds good. I myself will be starting college next year and wish to finish at least one fanfic before I leave so I can understand what you're going through. Have fun at college and good luck finding an editor.
6268834 Thank you.
6270432 Ironically enough I'm literally rewriting that chapter as I'm posting this comment.