What Happened to me. (Personally edited)
PLEASE READ. Alright everyone, this is my first story, and I'd like to know how I can improve, let me know what you thought. Love, praise, compliments, tips, constructive criticism, will all be appreciated, outright hate for no good reason will not be appreciated. So let me know what you thought, was it decent did it suck how could I improve etc. and rate fairly. Also if I unintentionally stole something from someone please let e know and I will credit them.
Edit: So here is my personally edited version of this chapter it probably still needs a lot of work, but I added some things to hopefully make the story flow better. It will probably stay this way for a while until I get someone to actually edit my story hopefully you'll enjoy. If you think there's anything I should fix please let me know. chapter two is ready but I'm going to do some fine tuning before I upload it but it'll be up soon.
*first person POV*
Ever since I woke up here, I've received nothing but trouble. At first I was confused as to where I was, and how I came here. After a while I was eventually found by some aliens. Yeah turns out I'm on an alien planet. How'd this happen? Well your guess is as good as mine. Just so you know my name is Jake Darisson. So what next you might ask. Well these aliens brought me to some kind of secret laboratory base..... WHERE THEY THREW ME IN A CONTAINMENT CELL, AND PROCEEDED TO EXPERIMENT ON ME! NO I'M NOT KIDDING! THEY REALLY DID THAT! The best way I can describe it is take those stories you've heard about Area 51 where they dissect aliens and stuff, and make them ten times worse. Now I know those stories about area 51 aren't true, but you get my point. Now you probably have a lot of questions, but let me tell you what I know from the beginning and maybe your questions will be answered.
******
*Third person POV*
*Planet Earth*
*United States of America Pennsylvania*
A man dressed in an ordinary white shirt, with some royal blue sweat pants was walking home after his usual day of work passing street corners, and tall buildings. Nothing, out of the ordinary happening, and honesty it was a really good day for him. One might even say too good... almost cliché. As he continued on his way home he spoke with one of his friends as he passed by.
"Hey Joe. How have you been?" Jake Darrison queried.
"Oh, hi Jake. Been doin alright." Joe replied. "Thinking about taking a vacation soon"
"Dude sweet." Jake exclaimed, as he remembered Joe mentioning his vacation plans before.
"Sorry I can't talk more, I've gotta get home. My kids report cards are due, and my wife wants me to help look them over" Joe spoke.
"Gotcha, say hi to Tarry, and the kids for me! Jake said as they were walking away from each other.
"Will do!" replied Joe, and he continued on his way home wondering how bad his kids grades might be.
Jake kept going for a while, until he eventually came to a street that was completely void of people, except for him. He thought it was odd because this was usually one of the most crouded streets in the town, even at this hour, but he continued on his way. He would come to regret that decision.
Jake heard a strange noise around him. Like some sort of buzzing. He looked around but didn't see anything. The buzzing got louder.
"What's going on?" He asked to no one.
Suddenly a grey vortex appeared behind him, and began to suck him and any nearby loose objects in. Jake ran, but the suction current was too strong. He grabbed the ground desperately to try and avoid being sucked in, but only succeeded in delaying the inevitable. He lost his grip and was sucked in. Everything faded to white and he passed out.
Some time later he woke up in some forest. 'Where am I?' He thought to himself as he examined his surroundings. 'Well guess I better find out' He looked around, picked a direction, and began walking, hoping to find a way out of the forest.
*A few minutes ago*
*Unknown character perspective third person POV*
A stallion sat alone in his office pondering to himself staring out his window. He was here to protect Equestria. They all were. By whatever means necessary. There was a knock on his door which interrupted his thoughts. "Come in!"
A unicorn stallion entered his office and approached him, standing in front of his desk. "Sir I think you will want to come see this." the stallion spoke
"What is it Study Guide?" The first stallion asked.
"Well sir we've detected an unusual magical spike emanating from White Tail Woods." Study Guide replied.
The first stallion thought to himself for a moment, 'This could be serious' he thought. "Prepare a team to search and investigate, I will organize the supplies and lead them myself."
"Yes sir." Study Guide obeyed.
Study Guide left the room leaving the first stallion to ponder what this anomaly could be. As well as what should be done. He and Study Guide, as well as everyone else stationed here, were part of a secret scientific breakthrough operation. Authorized by Princess Celestia herself, she had set up secret underground laboratories for them. Giving them access to whatever they would need, and lots of authority over the public, despite the fact that pretty much nopony knew about them.
The stallion finally decided to bring along supplies that they would need in order to correct or neutralize whatever it was that was going on in White Tail Woods.
*Back to Jake*
"OK. How far can this forest stretch on for!" Jake screamed knowing absolutely no one could hear. He'd been trekking through the woods in the same direction for what felt like hours, but was probably no more than 40 minutes. The forest was exactly what you'd expect it to look like, uneven rows of trees after rows of trees after rows of trees. Jake tripped on a root sticking out 'Dangit! that's the fourth time it's too dark to see anything. It had been dark out when he woke up but now it was even darker. He'd only seen a few wild animals too, so it was pretty lonely. Still he kept walking, what else could he do? The forest had to end at some point right?
He kept going until eventually something happened that was different. Jake entered a small clearing and heard something that sounded sort of like the flapping of wings. He looked around and beheld a sight he never could have guessed in his life. A bunch of winged horses were landing on the ground and surrounding him.
"Wha... What's going on?" Jake exclaimed as the strange creatures surrounded him. "Just what are you guys?" Suddenly more creatures came out of the woods. But these were a little different. These new ones had horns on their head...unicorns? Looking closely Jake noticed that all these strange horses seemed to be the same colors of black, and dark grey, although some had stripes of yellow instead of black. To top this off they all had strange markings on their... flanks. Just what exactly was going on?
"Sir this is the source of the anomaly." One of the winged ones/pegasi said. One of them spoke, and it spoke freaking English. Needless to say Jake was stunned.
"Alright. Well subdue it." said the unicorn stallion who was apparently the leader.
"Wait what? You can't be serious." Jake shouted recoiling with caution at the statement.
"So. The creature can talk." the leader spoke. This made him nervous, this creature could be even more dangerous than he thought.
"Yes I can talk, and are you guys, unicorns, and pegasi?" Jake replied.
This creature could speak, and it knew what they were!? The leader stallion didn't trust this thing one bit. But the creature was clearly intelligent. Perhaps he could negotiate with it. Better to capture it peacefully through trickery than through the use of force. "You have to come with us."
"Why" Jake inquired
"Because you're an alien on our world." The unicorn declared.
Jake stood still for a moment, processing this information. "I'm on an alien world?" he asked.
"Yes, and you need to come with us." the unicorn demanded.
Jake thought for a moment. "Fair enough. Where are we going?" the unicorn didn't answer but instead got the guards to get the creature moving. "OK OK jeez." Jake said as they began shoving him.
As they were walking the unicorn began asking the creature some questions. "What is your name?"
"Jake. Yours?"
The unicorn didn't answer him but instead asked another question. "What is your species called?"
"Human, or Homo sapien if you want the scientific term. Where are we going?" Jake replied.
Again the unicorn didn't answer and asked another question "How did you get here?"
"Some sort of portal appeared behind me and sucked me through to here. How come you won't answer my questions?" Jake demanded.
"Because you're the alien here. You could be a threat to Equestria for all I know. And because I'll ask the questions, not you!" the unicorn answered sharply.
"Ouch." Jake said slightly offended. "So this place is called Equestria is it?"
'Shoot!' The unicorn thought to himself.
"I promise you I mean no harm."
The Unicorn ignored him.
Silence..........................
"Where are we going anyway."
The unicorn just sighed and said "You'll see soon enough."
"Alright." Jake answered. Eventually they made it out of the forest and began approaching a building that looked a lot like an underground bunker. Jake asked what this place was, but as usual the unicorn wouldn't tell him anything. The horse creatures led him inside and the inside was completely different from the outside most of the rooms were a yellowish-gold color and very tall. Parts of the wall jutted out to look like pillars stretching up to the ceiling and dividing room from room. The horses brought him to a room that was filled with gurneys and operating tools, looked kinda like a hospital room. "Why are we here?" Nobody answered.
"Everypony, stay back." The unicorn announced.
'Everypony? What?' Jake thought when he was suddenly hit in the back of the head by some sort of shock and fell to the floor. "What the...?" Jake asked very dizzily. Realizing that they must have done something to him he asked. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know why you're here. But you could very well pose a threat to Equestria. I won't allow you the chance." The unicorn stated.
"But I promise you I won't" Jake pleaded.
"Am I supposed to just take your word for it? I don't think so." said the unicorn
"What are you going to do to me?" Jake asked nervously.
"I'm going to cut you open, discover what makes you tick. I'm going to learn everything there is to learn about you. So that when your kind comes to invade us. We'll be ready." The unicorn proudly boasted.
"But I-we don't want to invade you!" Jake shouted.
"Enough of this. It's time for you to go to sleep." the unicorn said and then zapped Jake with a sleep spell. Jake's world faded to black.
*Jake first person POV*
So that's pretty much how I got here. I woke up in this glass containment cell, it wasn't filled with liquid or anything, it was just kinda like a giant cage, and before you ask no I can't break through this glass, it must be reinforced. By the way the name of that unicorn leader is Tempest Reason. Yeah these horses have some pretty weird names, although I think the funniest is Study Guide. Can you imagine someone talking about using a study guide to help prepare for a test, and then he shows up and asks if someone mentioned his name? Hahahahahahahaha... Jokes. Just about the only thing I can do here since I'm trapped in a cell, I guess I could sing and dance, but I was never big on those activities.
I can't believe these guys are doing what they're doing, and getting away with it. It turns out that when they first knocked me out they already experimented on me before I woke up. But the experiments, and vivisection after that were ten times worse. But what's probably the worst of all is that their magic or whatever can completely heal me. You're probably wondering why I say that's the worst part. Well instead of putting me out of my misery, it just means I've got to endure the pain all over again in a few days. Also they don't care if I'm awake or not for the surgery. It's horrible. I need to get out. I need to break free. I will escape. I promise.
Stats
Page generated in 0.038 seconds
Total duration
1,050 users online
1,723,142 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I can't really give any criticism to this other than that it's rather forced and rushed. My suggestions are slowing it down, doubling the word count by adding descriptions and more POV analysis, and reading it to yourself aloud to see what it sounds like to the reader's mind.
that poor guy D:
6002465 Thanks. You're right I should have done that. I guess I wanted to get the first chapter out before I leave. I'll fix it when I get back. So besides that what did you think? Was it enjoyable? Also could you explain what you meant by it feels forced?
6002494 You know, Eon333MS is my brother so you be sure to give him some support.
6002652 Sure :D
6002693 Thanks bud.
6002728 Np! ^_^
6002545
It seems like you got the idea, knew what you wanted to do with it, have something awesome in your head, and was so eager to put it into text that you forgot that other people think differently.
I do it all the time. Take example from my fics from how badly they're rated- much, much worse that what you're doing- but that's because you choose good subject matter.
The only story that did well did so because I thought about and brooded on the subject, and wrote it down two years before I knew about FIMFiction. The later chapters were something that I forced into text, and you can see the quality of my writing got progressively worse as time went on. Now, because I tried to break my writer's block and wrote crap without rewriting and editing it properly, my story turned to crap. And because I get desperate to express myself without regard to how others read, my other stories were crap, too.
6002545 You're having the same problems I had when I first started...
)
Except your first story is actually decent, and isn't a self-insert! Great job with standing out from the crowd with that! (Seriously, almost every first story is a self-insert. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it and thinking I was original.
I'll read the first chapter when it's been fixed up a bit. Good luck!
no idea why they would vivisect him when they could ask him. disecting an someone who is technically a first contact diplomat is a bad idea, story needs rewrite feels forced, where was celestia in all of this or luna, seems ridiculous to do those sorts of things
6004375 I'll try to explain it without spoiling too much basically these guys aren't treating him like a first contact person. They see him as an alien threat and nothing else (they're a little paranoid). So their plan was to capture him and find out all they could about him including how his body works (hence the vivisection) and see what scientific discoveries they could make from studying him. As for Celestia and Luna they don't know about him yet. But they will show up pretty soon, and you'll find out what they think. (Also I'll fix the first chapter soon but I should probably get an editor).
6015658 if he had magic immunity maybe i could see them freaking out but they have training for this sort of thing
6016097 Well that's not what I'd imagine. But I understand your opinion. But hey maybe the next few chapters will help you understand better. Or maybe not. Have a good day regardless.
I just reread this, and I'm cringing at all the parts I should obviously have put more effort into. Oh well chapter two is almost finished, and I'll rewrite this soon.
Interesting premise, but this story seems rushed and a lot of grammar mistakes are present that kind of made the chapter worse. I will stick with it for now, but I may leave later on, so... Sorry
I have to say the base for a great story is here but its far too rushed and the emotions are wooden and forced in there like a square block through a circle hole. I'd advise going back and reading in a monotonous voice then finding where the emotional parts should be and rewriting it to fit
So... How do they know he's an alien? This truly needs to be cleaned up. The base is there, but the technique needs work.
I really tried to give this a shot, but this nonsense is too much. Why are you doing this? Have you ever seen a professionally written piece of fiction do this?
Either tell a first-person story from Jake's POV or don't.
Stop labeling the POV. The description of the scene should be more than enough to tell the reader where they are and who is there. The labels read like author's notes that you forgot to remove.
9156037
Eh first time. Gonna be mistakes man. Thanks for the input.
*sucked through a portal and spat out who knows where:
No joke, this is exactly what my reaction would be.