The Conversion Bureau: Reality Restoration

by Fullmetal Pony

Thaumaphobia

Thaumaphobia (N.)- The fear of magic

-From the 1st Equestrian Edition of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary

---

Ugh, this code is so boring. I was sitting at my desk. A computer screen filled with thousands of numbers stared at me. Why did I have to get stuck with the memory code? Couldn’t I have been assigned visuals or start-up? I flexed back in my chair and reached back to grab my drink. I felt it in my hands for a second, but it slipped and fell to the ground.

“Damn it!” I spun my chair around and reached to grab the water bottle. But instead of my hand, I only saw a grey hoof. “N-no.” I looked at my other hand; it was a hoof too. “No.” I rapidly turned around to look at my computer screen. The monitor reflected back a pony. “No!”

“Tacky!” A voice called out. I spun around to see him, the boss, the guy who changed everything... the guy who was supposed to be dead.

“M-m-mr. Jobs!” I yelled as I backed away, but I tripped on my legs. “It... it’s not what it looks like! I’m not a pony! I can still type!”

“Doesn’t matter if you had hands or not.” Steve Jobs kept a smile despite his grim tone. “I can’t have you working here if you could blow everything up.” He reached down and touched my head. Only it wasn’t my forehead he was touching, it was something poking out of it. It was a horn.

“No! I can still work here! Please!” The monitors all turned and glared at me. Their code now only said “pony convert, pony convert” over and over. “Mr. Jobs, this is all I know! All I can do! You have to fix this!”

“Sorry son,” Jobs shrugged, “but you know we just can’t work together.”

“Noooooo!” I screamed as the monitors surrounded me. My head started to burn and it felt like it was going to burst. The screens all sizzled and cracked and then they all blew up in my face.

~~~

“...am... dam... Adam!” Someone was shaking me. “Come on! Get up!” I slowly opened my eyes and was met with a concerned face.

“Angela,” I muttered as my eyes slowly re-adjusted to the light in my apartment.

“Adam, are you okay?” Angela gave me a deep hug, her thin nightgown pressed against my chest. “You started screaming, I tried to wake you up, but nothing worked.”

I realized I was breathing rapidly and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. “Sorry, it was the dream again.” I placed a hand on my chest while I looked at the other one and flexed my fingers. “Thank god it was just a dream.”

“Adam.” Angela bit her lip. A loose strand of her blond hair fell in front of her face. “I’m worried. Those dreams have been becoming more common lately. I think you’re overworking yourself.”

“Everyone is overworking themselves right now.” I sat up from the bed and walked over to the closet. I opened it and saw I had no clean button ups. I bent down and grabbed the cleanest one I could find. My clothes were just in a chaotic pile now, I was too dazed when I got home from work to bother putting them in the hamper. “We have to, our jobs are at stake here.”

“But they have new jobs over there too.” While she talked, I walked over to the bathroom and grabbed my deoderant. I didn’t need to shave today, my stubble would probably be acceptable.

“Good for them Angela!” I yelled as I put on my shirt, it reeked of alcohol. “We’ve been over this though. We can’t go there.” I took up a sarcastic tone. “Everypony gets a mark for their special talent. Ha! What a f*&cking joke! I’ll tell you right now what my talent would be, my hands!”

“But, I mean, everything they say on TV, it’s all happening so fast. Plus, in a few months we’ll be able to actually see Equestria.”

“No we won’t!” Angela’s attempts to comfort me lately had started to disturb me. They’d gone from supporting my hard work to talking about those damn ponies. I knew she was losing hope, we all were. It’d only been a year, but that was an eternity in the technology market. Almost all trans-Pacific communications were gone now. Prices on transporting pieces out of Asia had gone through the roof. “We’ll move with the company when they move.”

Then there was the internet. The fricking internet! The damn bubble! It had done what hackers and terrorists only dreamed of. Three months in, that monstrosity had knocked out all communications. Thank everything holy it had only been temporary. But it had scared me, it’d scared everyone who had a stake in technology. Competition didn’t matter after that. Sony, Microsoft, Intel, every technological giant had gotten together to figure out a way to survive. Except one. Zuckerberg can burn in the deepest recesses of hell for betraying us, for betraying humanity.

I still remember when we’d all gathered for our emergency meeting. It was the first time I ever saw Bill Gates as a compatriot and not a rival. We’d brainstormed all day, dozens of leaders gave speeches. Even some government representatives had stepped up. They’d only said words of false reassurance though, that our jobs would remains secure. Heh, job security, right. My job security had gone flying out the window, along with my phone and my internet.

Then that son of a bitch stepped up to the podium. He was just a kid. He wasn’t even alive when I started tinkering with computers. I still longed for the days when I would just mess with my dad’s old behemoth desktops. He didn’t offer ideas, didn’t give us words of hope. He just smiled and admitted defeat. He told us we should all enjoy the last hurrah of human technology and then go over to Equestria, the sooner we made the jump, the better. My only regret is that I wasn’t the first person to throw something at him. We didn’t see him after that. The last anyone heard of him was a personalized letter on his site with a picture of a pony. He abandoned his fellow innovators and traded in humanity for hooves. Bastard.

“Is it really worth moving though?” Angela asked. “Adam, you’ve been getting more and more stressed every day.” She was now standing in the the door frame of the bathroom. “Adam, you know I’ll love you know matter what. Wouldn’t it just be easier t–”

“Shut up!” I pushed her aside and stormed into the kitchen. “I don’t want to hear you talk about that!” I softened my voice as I grabbed a granola bar and a five hour energy. “Angela, we’re close, I can feel it. We’ll find a way to make technology work and then we can finally go back to normal. Maybe I’ll actually even start to like those things, if we can make a market with them.”

“Just... just take it easy, okay?” Angela just stood there as I walked out the door. If I can just fix things, find a way to get technology to overcome magic, then I can be happy again. Angela can be happy again. It will all be nice and stable.

~~~

“All right men!” The boss yelled. I hadn’t even learned his name, he was just some guy who’d held a higher position at another company. It didn’t really matter now, we all had the same goal in mind. We could go back to being rivals when this whole mess was over. “As you know, it’s been a year since the Equestria Crisis began. We’ve been working day and night to figure out a solution to this problem. So far we’ve basically got a zip. A lot of people have dropped out because of that. Some have given up hope. Some of them even gave up their hands.”

He paused and looked down a hallway that ran parallel from the area he was speaking. “I know many of you have a lot of resentment towards our four-legged friends. Well, I’m telling you today that even if we do solve this problem, and we will, ponies are here to stay.”

I wish he was wrong, so so wrong.

“That’s why we’re gonna need a hands on approach from now on.” He beckoned to the hallway. I joined everyone else in shouting.

“Are you crazy?!”

“They’ll ruin everything!”

“Oh god! Keep them away from the computers!”

“Nothing is safe from them!”

“Jesus! You’ve lost it!” I yelled. The boss has gone insane. He’s brought that technological scourge into the office. Worse, they were all unicorns, the ultimate destroyers of modernity. I was having a nightmare. That had to be the only explanation.

“Quit your bitching and shut up!” Office etiquette had long gone out the window, but that was a reason the boss was the boss. Even without a microphone, he could silence all of us in an instance. “Now listen closely! All of you should be ashamed of yourselves! These ponies here could have been your former co-workers. Like you, they were hard working people and, despite the limitations hooves bring, they still want to help. Our sector will be one of the first to work with ponies, so you better do a good damn job!”

The managing team stepped to the side of the boss now. “Each one of you will now be working with a pony partner. They have been given lessons by the big Princess herself in order to prevent any accidents from happening. Your supervisors will be checking on you constantly for the first few weeks of this process. If they hear any of you insulting them or treating them in a way that hinders your work, you are out! No severance, no chance to state your case, you’re gone. We’re running on the clock here people and we don’t have time to bother with who has hooves and who doesn’t! Now come up and meet your partner when I call your name! Anderson!”

A short man with a balding head stepped by me. He seemed more nervous than angry. He walked up front and a pony trotted over to him. It held out a hoof, but Anderson just awkwardly walked back to his station with the mare. It didn’t see me glare at it as it passed by. It would be a while before they called my name. I went back to my station and pulled out my bottle of whiskey. Tch, I’d been reduced to cliches by these damn things. This would just be my first drink of many today.

They finally called out my name about half an hour later. I felt a little buzzed, but I needed my concentration, I still had to type stuff. I walked up to the front and looked down at my “partner.” He was a dark blue unicorn with a light red mane. A pencil and a book graced his flank. “Um...” he slowly held out a hoof, “hello, nice to meet you. I–” I started to walk back to my desk.

“Let’s just get started, okay?” I slumped back to my station and sat in my chair. I looked at the pony and then pulled out the whiskey again.

“Are... are you sure that’s okay to do?” he nervously asked.

“No, I’m not sure if drinking is okay to do. Do you think magic is okay to do in here?” Who give a crap if I get fired now? The higher-ups have clearly lost it if they’re bringing the ponies in. Screw it, the world has gone nuts, maybe Angela and I can just run off somewhere, enjoy the apocalypse in peace.

“S-sorry, but don’t worry, I’ve spent nearly the whole year studying magic. I’m sure we’ll figure out a way to make technology and magic work together.” I should have punched him in the muzzle for the smile he was giving me. I just took another swig instead.

“Screw it, there’s no way I’m gonna last a day with stuff like this.” I turned over to my computer and started running through my start-up procedures. “Just stand there and don’t do anything.”

“Right.” He awkwardly kicked his hooves around. “Can I at least ask your name?”

“Adam, Adam Tacky,” I grunted.

He chuckled a little. “Maybe your special talent would involve ta–” I glared daggers at him.

“Shut up! I know the boss said to work with you, but I’m fine on my own! If you actually still know something about technology you can talk, but don’t you dare bring up what you are.” I spun around and looked at my screen, I didn’t even type anything.

“Sorry, I just wanted to make the atmosphere a little lighter. We were all really nervous about coming back here, what with everything everypony was saying. But we still loved working here and trying to save a piece of humanity. We still want to do that, even now.”

“Tch, if you loved it so much you should have just kept your hands.”

“Mr. Tacky, I really did, but the days we spent here laboring and trying to find a solution... it took its toll on us.” His voice was trembling a little. “But I knew this was the only way. I mean, aren’t we all about thinking outside the box? Being like this really takes you out of the box.”

I turned around again and frowned. “You’re right, it takes you out of the box and turns you into a box-cutter.”

“I know.” He scratched the back of his head with a hoof. “At first, I thought I’d lost everything, that I’d never be accepted like this. But on the other side... “ His eyes glazed over a little. “No matter what, they’re willing to accept you.”

“Keep the sob story for later, we’ve got work to do.” I took a final swig and finished the bottle. “Christ, might as well hear what your name is.”

“It’s Check Mark,” he smiled. “Heh, I was always a bit of a OCD freak, so I thought it was a good name.”

I buried my head in hands. “So you must really regret the hooves if you changed your name.”

“It’s, um, kinda just something that happens. You see and hear everypony else doing and and then one day something just clicks and you run with it.”

I sighed deeply. “I’m gonna need to buy the whole damn liquor store before I’m done with this.”

~~~

So this might come as a shock, but I’ve really taken a thing to bars lately. Everyone in the office has. It’s actually nice to forget about all our old rivalries and trade stories from before the Crisis. The drinks are nice, but the lack of ponies is even better. Ponies can’t handle alcohol at all, so we don’t even need signs to keep them out. Bars are a human sanctuary.

“It’s bullshit,” Paul said before he took a giant gulp of his beer. He’d been a manager at Intel’s R&D section. “We’re trying to counter magic, not work with it.”

“Amen to that.” I clanked my glass to his. “I can’t believe we’re even talking about magic like it’s a real thing”

“I actually heard we’ve got some physicists working on it,” Mike replied. Mike had worked with me at Apple. Before, we’d actually hated each other’s guts and we’d competed to see who could write out code or come up with new programs faster. Everyone had only one competitor now and it could devastate us with just a thought. “Bet they’re scrambling just as much as we are.” He finished his glass and asked for another.

“Tch, at least they’ll have job security.” I leaned back in the booth. “Hell, they probably all broke out the champagne when a new universe popped out of nowhere. They thrive off questions and how things work. Who knows? Maybe that monstrosity in Europe caused all this.”

“Now you’re just talking silly Adam,” Paul replied. “Humans didn’t have anything to do with this. It’s all those ponies’ fault. I bet they caused that mess in Nevada just to scare us all into turning into them.”

“Hey, don’t joke about stuff like that!” Mike slammed his fresh glass of bear down. A bit of it spilled on the table. “I had some relatives there. Plus, think about the other ‘lost time’ zones. I still thank god every night that they came out of that hellhole.”

The lost time zones. Scars on the Earth where, apparently, magic had run out. People still don’t know what exactly happened there, but it was the equivalent of heat death. Except heat death wasn’t supposed to happen in all of human existence; it was the ultimate end for the universe, not something that just happened one day. But it had, it struck Nevada, South America, and China. Those Chinese rats hadn’t even bothered to tell the rest of the world. They could have doomed us all. It was fitting that they were still recovering from it.

After the bubble had popped up, the zones had started to recede. The stories Mike told us scared the hell out me. His relatives had just been enjoying a drive, when everything went slow, then it all just stopped. The next thing they knew they were careening at a hundred miles down the Nevada freeway. They survived the crash, but it’d taken days to get help. By that point, the only option left for them was to give them hooves. Horrible, just horrible, lost in time and then turned into an abomination.

So what if they looked cute and innocent on the outside? They were all just slaves to the Princess, part of her army to turn us all into followers. All the ponies who dared to talk to me always gushed about how it’d been hard to make the change, but they were glad they did. Evidently slavery, at least of the mind, still existed in Equestria.

“Sorry Mike,” Paul replied. “It just gets me so mad. I swear if they could pay me, I’d join one of those anti-pony groups. They’re everywhere after all.”

“I don’t know.” I took another gulp of my beer. “Some of those people are pretty scary. If guns were still around they’d probably go shooting up the bureaus. I just wish they’d disappear, but not if it meant hurting anyone.”

“Now that’s a surprise.” Paul scratched his stubble. “I’d have thought you’d be even more eager than me to join one of the anti-pony groups.”

I sighed and slammed my glass down. “Look, I don’t like those ponies, but if they didn’t ruin technology, I’d be fine with them. They could do whatever they want. I’d just enjoy my job and live a happy life with Angela.”

“But that’s not how things work,” Mike spoke up.

“Can it, Mike.” I flagged down a waitress. “Oi, let’s get some shots going here!”

“Now we’re talking!” Paul smiled.

~~~

You know what? You know what? Thank god I live close to the bar. Man, that bar is the best bar in the world. I still can’t believe I used to hate Mike. That guy is awesome, just wish I could knock back as many shots as he could. Guy’s liver must be made of iron. I lumbered into the elevator and up to my apartment. Angela was there. She must have seen how wasted I was. She rushed over and draped my arm over her back. She sat me down on the couch and fetched me a bottle of water.

“You are the best girlfriend ever!” I laid back on the couch as I sipped from the bottle. “I... I’m really sorry I always come home like this. It’s just hard and the other guys want to unwind too. I’m sorry.” Man, the couch felt really nice right now.

“It... it’s okay.” Was her voice trembling a little? I couldn’t really tell. “Adam, can you hear me?”

“Yeah, I can hear ya. Your voice sounds as beautiful as always.”

“Adam, I... I went out today. While I was walking, I passed by one of the bureaus.”

“Oh hell! I’m sorry Angela, they probably flung a bunch of propaganda crap at you! Damn ponies! Damn the Princess! Damn them all!” The couch was feeling really nice and my eyes were getting heavy.

“It’s just that, one of the first ponies was there. The brown one with the wings. He was just a kid, but what he said, I–” I didn’t catch the rest of what Angela said, the couch was too comfy and my mind was too tired.

~~~

The smell of bacon woke me up, that and a minor hangover. “Ugh.” I pressed a hand against my head. “So this it what it takes to not have nightmares. High price.”

“Oh, Adam.” Angela stopped her cooking and turned around. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Minor hangover, but nothing too ba– oh shit! What time is it?!” I sprang up from the couch in a panic.

“It’s eleven, but d–”

“Jesus! Eleven?! Oh god, they’re gonna fire me for sure!” I ran out the door and off to work.

~~~

The running hadn’t helped the hangover. My brain pounding on my skull, begging for it to expand. I rushed over to my station and was met by the worst sight in the world: the boss and Check Mark.

“Tacky! What the hell?”

“I’m sorry boss! I, uh, had a sick girlfriend to take care of!”

“Tacky calm down!” The boss pulled out his stern face. “I know a lot of you weren’t happy with the changes yesterday, and a bunch of you thought it would be smart to get sauced to the gills last night. Maybe if some of you had checked your emails, you’d see I canceled work for every human today. Go home Tacky, Mark can handle things on his own.”

“But he can’t even type!” I jabbed a finger at Mark and then at my computer. “How the hell can anything work at a computer if they can’t type?!”

“Jesus,” the boss rubbed his forehead with a hand, “do you know how many times I’ve heard that this morning? Mark!” The boss craned his neck to look at the pony. “Show him your ‘hands!’” Marked nodded as his horn glowed and then an ethereal aura came to rest on my keyboard.

“Are you mad?! Make him stop!” I rushed over to my station, but the boss clothlined me and held me back. “No! He’ll de–” I heard a clacking noise and then another. It was the sound of a keyboard being typed... fast. That bastard was using my computer to type his own programs in. He was soiling it!

The boss grabbed me by the collar. “Now listen to me, go home, get some rest, and get your head in the right place!” He let go of me and I ran. Tears fell down my face as I ran down the streets. It wasn’t fair! I had had all the stability I needed and now it was gone! Replaced by a damn farm animal! I tripped and scrapped my elbows and my knees. I stayed on the ground for a while while tears hit the street.

~~~

“Ow!” Angela dabbed an alcohol soaked cotton ball on my left elbow. “Damn it! This sucks!”

“Don’t worry Adam, it should be fine now.” Angela slapped a bandage on my wound.

“It’s not fine! He’s there! At my damn desk using my damn computer!” I poured myself another shot of whatever it was I was drinking, something that burned my throat when I swallowed it. I slumped my shoulders. “Angela, you’re the only one I can count on now.”

“W-what about your friends?”

“Who cares? They were enemies before this. We’re only united by our hate of those stupid ponies. They’re not real friends.” I took another shot. “I just wish we could run away. Go to a land where all our troubles melt away.” Angela didn’t reply, she just stared at the ground. I looked down at my shot glass and chucked it at the wall. “I hate this! I hate that you have to see me like this! I swear, it’ll change soon.” She kept her eyes to the ground. “I know, I’m a drunk idiot.” I got up and slumped to the bedroom. “I’m sorry.” I slammed the door. Her eyes were still downcast.

~~~

I can’t recall much from the rest of the week. Any memories I do have either involved a bottle or a toilet. I’ve only seen little glints of light through my window shades. Who wants to see the sun anymore anyway? That stupid Princess has probably made it her slave too. The planet is doomed... I want to spend these last few years with Angela, just the two of us. The people on TV say humans can’t survive magic for more than eight years anyway. We’ll go exploring, see everything left as the world crumbles. Then, when the time comes, we can die happy.

I got up from the bed and looked around. Empty bottles and cans lined the floor. My hangover was only minor today. I sighed. “Might as well just quit today, they’ve probably fired me anyway. Heh, maybe the airlines are doing an apocalypse sale. They’ve gotta be suffering with all those winged ponies. I’m sure we’ll think of something to do.” I slouched out of the room and into the kitchen.

Angela was making pancakes. “Oh, you’re up. How are you feeling today?”

“Still a little woozy, but I think I’ve made up my mind.”

Angela flipped a pancake and then looked at me. “You have?”

“Yes, I mean, what’s the point of this all anyway? The world is screwed no matter how you look at it. You were right, I shouldn’t be bothering with all this technology stuff. I should just be enjoying life to the fullest.”

Angela smiled. “I... I’m really happy to hear that.”

“We should just go on a trip, like we always promised. Escape this apartment, escape all these things.”

“Oh Adam.” She rushed up and embraced me. “You don’t know how good it is to hear you say that. I’ve been thinking about it all week, we can just go and then be on our way.”

“Yes, it’ll just be the two of us.” I gave her a passionate kiss. “Let’s have some breakfast first.

A few minutes later, we were sitting at the kitchen table, eating the pancakes. They tasted especially good today. They’d probably be the last things I’d eat here. Wish Angela had made some bacon to go with it, but oh well. She knew just the thing to cheer me up. “So before we go I’ll tell my boss I’m quitting. It’ll feel good to add some finality to this whole mess.”

Angela put her utensils down and looked at me with shaking eyes. “Is... is it okay if I get myself ready while you’re doing that?” There was a tremble in her voice.

“Of course it is! I want to get out of here as soon as possible, the sooner you’re ready to go the better!” I got up and walked to the door. I didn’t even care that I was only wearing a stained undershirt and pajama pants. I slipped on some flip flops and opened the door. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay, I’ll make sure you know wh–” The door closed before I could hear her finish.

~~~

I never noticed it before, but there really are a whole lot of things that now cater to ponies. There’s quite a few more salad buffets then I remember. A lot more street performers also, all of them ponies. Guess that’s not too surprising, almost the entire homeless population had converted overnight. They had nothing to lose from the start, so why not trade in hands for a chance to fly or use magic? Hell, I’d heard that even the most normal looking of ponies could do all sorts of weird things with plants. Whatever, leave ‘em to their crap. I’m getting out of this town and it can burn for all I care.

I walked up to where I worked and onto my level. I went over to my station and saw him there again. Bastard can type and blow up the computer for all I care.

“Oh, you’re back,” Mark stopped typing and looked at me. “Are you feeling better?”

“Much,” I said with a shit-eating grin. “Any clue where the boss is? I need to send in a letter of resignation.” The letter in this case being some vulgar hand gestures and some less than polite words.

“He’s, uh, actually right behind you.” Mark pointed a hoof behind me. I turned and saw a pink stallion with a black mane.

“What?”

“Ah Tacky, so you actually came back.” The pony had the boss’s voice. “Well congratulations, you’re actually only the second to come back in. Not that it really matters.”

Oh, this is too fricking rich. I laughed like an idiot. “Boss...” I struggled to breath and talk through laughing. “You... you look good.”

“Shadup Tacky, I know what I look like, but, well, seeing all you people just give up a few days ago got me in real bad spirits. Then halfway through the week I just lost it. Ran to the nearest Bureau and drank the stuff. We’re actually not even bothering to adapt this crap anymore, we’re just converting it into physical evidence that it even existed.”

Mark sighed. “ It’s kind of a shame, I was looking forward to selling pony computers too. But I guess making a final thank you package for all our consumers is fine too.”

I shook my head. “You’re all crazy.” I shrugged. “Whatever, seems I’m not needed here anyways, I was gonna be a little more crass, but I think just saying I quit will work too.”

“Had a feeling you’d say that,” the boss replied. “Well, it’s been nice working with ya Tacky. What are ya gonna do now?”

“I’m off on a trip.”

The boss smiled. “I see, makes sense, if I wasn’t wanting to look over everypony else, I’d probably do the same thing. Take care!”

“You too!” I waved and walked out the office for the last time. Heh, the boss must have really lost it to go for the hooves.

~~~

“Angela, I’m home!” I smiled and walked through the door. Things were packed up now and luggage lined the floor. “Angela?” I called out to the empty room, but got no reply. “Odd, where could she have gone?” I walked through the apartment looking for her, but had no luck finding her. “The hell?” I walked back into the kitchen and was about to call her on the phone, when I saw as note attached to the fridge. I grabbed it and looked at it.

Adam,

I know you’ve been suffering a lot lately. That’s why I was so glad you finally decided to go for the hooves today. I’ve actually been wanting to go since last week when I heard that speech, but I couldn’t go without you too. I know you had issues with the ponies before, but I’m so relieved things have finally changed. It’s selfish of me, but I just can’t wait any longer, I’m going to get my hooves now. I’ll be at the Bureau on Commerce Street. Hands or hooves, I’ll always love you.

Angela.

I let the letter slide from my hands and onto the floor. I looked at my hands which were beginning to shake. “No... it... it’s not true, I didn’t...” I thought back to my words that morning. I’d killed my love. “No, no! NO!” I slammed my hand on the kitchen table and flung the centerpiece against the wall. “NO! I didn’t want this!” I kicked the entire table over. “It’s not right!” I glared at the pictures on the wall and fell on them like a raging beast. They zoomed across the room and shattered against the other wall. I kicked, punched and lashed out against anything in the room. Glass shattered, cheap metal bent, and wood splintered.

“Traitor! How could she do it?!” I kicked the TV over and brought my foot down to destroy the shelf as well. “We were happy! It’s them! It’s all their fault! Those damn monsters! They tricked her! Seduced her and stole her from me!” I remembered I had the solution to all my problems in my closet. “They may have taken her, but I’ll see them all in hell!” I rushed over to the closet and fumbled for the box that held my gun. I found it quickly.

“Ha! Time to perform the ultimate self-defen–” I had opened the box and discovered it was empty. There were no guns left in the world now. “N-no. This my life... I get to choose it.” The room started to spin on me. “A damn cartoon doesn’t.” A horrible laughter filled my ears. The shadows on the walls morphed to become those horrible things. One shadow in particular was bigger than the others. It was her. The devil.

“Hahaha! Oh poor little human, you’ve gone and lost it all haven’t you?” The shadow-Celestia mocked me. “Join us, the hooves are nice and warm.”

“Never!” I unloaded my gun at the beast. I don’t know where’d I’d gotten it, but I had it now and it was time for payback! But the bullets just bounced off the shadow.

“Please, you think anything human could hurt me?” The shadows stretched off the walls and started to advance toward me.

“Stay away!” I chucked the gun at her, but it just evaporated into thin air. “Don’t come any closer!”

All the shadows laughed and then the shadow-Celestia spoke up again. “We’re always coming closer to you. We’ll take your job, your friends, and your love. And when you are broken, we’ll heal you.” The shadows stopped advancing for a second. Shadow-Celestia smirked. “Welcome to the herd.”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” I screamed and ran. I just kept doing both of those things. There had to be an escape somewhere, anywhere from the demons. I ran to through the streets, fear coursing in my veins and pushing me forward. Until I hit something and tripped.

“Oh my goodness!” Whoever I hit helped me up. “Are you– Adam?” It was Mark.

“Get away from me!” I backed away and hit a pole. Y-you’re all devilspawn! I won’t let you make a slave of me.”

“Just calm down.” He was slowly walking toward me. “I was just coming to wish you good luck in Equestria, you were going there, right?”

I screamed again and ran. The world was after me. I had to escape.

~~~

I couldn’t go on. I was sick, I was tired, and I was hungry. What was left of my shirt was ripped and encrusted with filth. A scraggy beard now adorned my face. Puddles in the alleyways reflected back my dull lifeless eyes. The scrape on my leg looked a little green and sickly. It hurt to put pressure on it. But at least the alleyways were relatively empty. For two weeks I been drifting through the belly of the city, living off whatever I could find. Whenever I saw those monsters, I’d hidden anywhere I could find.

I still remember one night that will be seared into my brain. After the first week of wandering alone, I’d come upon a homeless commune. A lot of them were like me, pushed out of their jobs by the abominations. Some had lost family members to the herd. We consoled each other with garbage food and moonshine. While most of the homeless had gone to join the monsters, we’d become homeless because of them. We often talked about taking revenge on them all one day.

Then they had come, marching like the hellspawn that they were. We all scattered at the sound of clopping, but some of us were too slow. In an instant, the stragglers were surrounded and then covered in the potion. There was screaming and then they were silent as the goo deformed them, melted them down and made them part of the herd. I threw up when I saw it. I hadn’t seen a commune since then. It was every man for himself now.

I needed food. My vision was blurry and my head was swimming. If I could just get some food, then I’d be fine. I’d live another day. I swore I wouldn’t die until I had that Princess’s head on a pike. “One day... I swear, I’ll...” I collapsed on the ground. My body wouldn’t listen to me anymore. My eyes started to get heavy. Just as the world started to go black, I heard a voice.

“Oh my gosh! Get him some help!”

“Damn! He looks like he’s on his last legs.”

“Then give him the stuff! It’s the only way.”

I tasted grape and then the world went black.

~~~

I was floating in a void. I’m not even sure if you can say I was floating even, I had no sense of me anymore. I was just a presence in the vast abyss. “Damn it, I croaked, didn’t I?”

“In a sense, yes,” a sad female voice called out. “It hurts so much when I see what I’ve done to those like you.”

“It is all right sister,” came another voice. “This is what we had to do, what we must do to save them.”

“Is that you, god?” I asked the darkness. It started to grow light and then I was in a round room... sort of. The ceiling was a dome, it was more like looking at the sky, but it was held up by pure white pillars. I looked down and saw there was a round table in front of me. There were two figures sitting at the other end. A white creature with multi-hued flowing hair and a dark blue creature with hair that seemed to be made of the stars themselves. I hadn’t gone to heaven, I’d gone to hell to meet the devil. “You!”

Celestia looked down at the table. “Yes, me. I know what you are about to say and I deserve all your hate.”

Luna reached out a hoof to her sister. “Sister, if it pains you so, then let me handle the rest for today. You have done enough.”

“No I haven’t. This will be my burden to bear. Just as I bore what I did to you for all those years.”

“Tia, you cannot blame yourself like this. You must move all, we all must.” Luna kept a hoof on Celestia’s shoulder and looked at me. “Can you move on?”

“No! I can’t!” I wanted to strike out against them, but my fear held me back. They were both far beyond anything I could handle. I was powerless. “You’ve taken it all from me!”

“We can give you a new life, free you from the things that have hurt you.”

“You have hurt me! Besides, computers were all I knew, now you’ve killed that too and my girlfriend! Just let me fall into the abyss.”

“No!” Celestia cried out. “Please, don’t say that! I... I can’t lose anypony else! Please!” She had somehow now appeared right next to me and given my essence a hug. Despite all my disgust, she still felt warm. “I have done you wrong, but please, don’t give up.” The room started to shake around me and the pillars began to crack.

No, this wasn’t right. This was the devil, a monster that only wanted to make me her slave, not some sad creature giving me a hug. The display was pathetic on both our parts. I didn’t know what to do anymore. My essence looked up at her with what I assumed were teary eyes. “I just want to start over.”

“I will grant you that. You have a new life, but if you ever feel I have harmed you, seek me. I deserve it for what I’ve done.” Celestia patted my head as one of the pillars broke.

“Sister, do not get carried away, emotions are not good for us to meddle with.” Luna nervously eyed her sister. I felt something tugging at me as another pillar cracked.

Celestia looked at me as I floated away. “Just please, don’t give up.”

The final two pillars simultaneously broke and the world went white on me.

~~~

The first thing I realized was that I wasn’t on hard cement. I was on something I hadn’t been on in two weeks, a bed. I squirmed around and just felt how good the bed was. It was soft, and warm... it must have been why I had that crazy dream. Someone must have seen me collapse and taken pity on me. It took a bit of effort to open my eyes. It was like they’d been glued shut or something. Kinda wish I’d kept my eyes closed though. The room was way too bright. I shifted my head to hide under the covers. “Guh! Too bright.”

A felt a pressure on me from over the covers and then a voice spoke up. “Thank god, you’re awake. We were really scared about you. We’ve never done this to someone who was both starving and dying of an infection. I’m just glad we kept emergency supplies at the ready in case of stuff like this.”

“You saved me?” The covers were thick, so I couldn’t see out of them. The voice did sound genuinely concerned though. She must be a part of some emergency team, she didn’t exactly sound like a trained nurse.

“Yup, probably got to you in the nick of time. It was actually my first time having to use the restart procedure. Sorry if waking up was a little rough for you, I’ve heard that disorientation happens a lot when the procedure is performed.”

“That why my eyes nearly exploded?”

“Uh-huh, it’ll take a bit to get used to your senses again, but everypony gets used to them over time... we’ll get you in private for first meal though. That part’s always embarrassing.”

“Hmm, I see, well at least I’m still ali– oh no, did you just say everypony? I quickly threw off the sheets. Despite the near-blinding light of the sun streaming in from the window, I could still see my hooves, grey like they had been in my dreams. I stared at them for a few seconds and then I broke. I wailed for a long time, the mare that had been talking to me brought a hoof to my shoulder. I didn’t care, my life was over, I was doomed to just be a slave. I’d probably be plowing fields or some other task to help expand Equestria. I wasn’t human anymore, just a tool.

“I know this can be really shocking, but everypony at the bureau is here for you,” the mare had a red coat and silver mane.

“Just... just go away.” I flopped a hoof at her. She stared at me for a second, then her horn glowed and the window shades fell. She left after that. I looked around at my surroundings. I was in a doctor’s office, only with a bed instead of that slab patients lied down on. I looked over and saw that the counter was lined with little vials that held a shimmering purple liquid. Potion, the bane of humanity. It had finally managed to strip me of everything. I fell back on the pillow I had been resting on and just stared at the ceiling.

My sense of time was all messed up, I couldn’t tell how long I languished in the bed. But eventually, the mare returned. A tray of food was floating by her head. It was a simple meal, just a salad, a dinner roll, and an apple. A really good looking apple, probably one of the best I’d ever seen. Too bad I just wanted to just cease existing. Dead men don't eat after all. “I have some food for you. It’ll be a little extreme, but getting you used to food is the first step in rehabilitation.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Please? We’re here to make you feel better. Maybe just the ap–”

“No!” I yelled and a the tray went flying back. That stopped me. “W-what was that?”

“It’s magic,” the mare nervously explained. “I’m sorry, this must be all new for you. It was tough for me too but... are you okay?”

I was crying again. They done it, they’d done every last thing to destroy who I was. I wasn’t human anymore and technology couldn’t accept me anymore. “It’s not fair.” I was too weak to even yell anymore.

“What is it?” The mare timidly asked.

“I can’t be a unicorn, it’s the exact opposite of what I am. How can I live being... being...” I broke down into sobs.

I felt something warm envelope me. I opened my eyes and saw that a light red glow had surrounded me. “What are you doing?”

“It’s a really basic magic skill. It’s an empathetic link that helps calm ponies down. Heh, I never thought I’d be able to do something like this, helping ponies with just a thought. It’s kind of funny, before all this, I was just a med school dropout. I was completely out of my luck, but then this all happened. I was so happy that I could actually help, that I wasn’t just a loser.” The mare glance back at her flank which was adorned with a heart and a bandage. “Was it something similar with you?”

I sighed. “I suppose. In all the chaos that’s happened lately, I lost it, everything. My job, my mind... my girlfriend.”

The mare brought a hoof to her mouth. “You lost your fillyfriend?! That’s terrible, I’m so sorry! You must hate us right now, but we had no choice.” She started wildly flailing her hooves. “I mean, we saw you fall, then we saw your knee and how you were and I just panicked! Oh, I knew I should have just stayed here helping out.”

I looked at the mare with sunken eyes. “It’s not your fault. I don’t even know if I’m mad at you anymore.” I brought a hoof to my forehead, it met with the horn. “That Princess, you... I’m just confused.”

“I...” A loud buzzing filled my head. It seemed be affecting the mare too.

“What is that?” I held my hoof closer to my head to get the buzzing to stop.

“Sorry,” the mare said, the buzzing didn’t seem to bother her as much. “It’s part of our emergency signal. Darn, I have to go, it’s probably that mare again.” She rushed out the door and left me alone.

“What is going on?” I slowly crawled out of the bed and fell to the ground. My legs felt like jello. I stumbled to the door. Luckily, it didn’t have a knob, so I just pushed it open. I clinged to the wall as I walked down the hallway. There was the sound of thrashing and yelling from the other end of the hallway. I slowly made my way to where the noise was coming from.

The commotion had been coming from the mess hall. A bunch of ponies and few humans were trying to hold back a crying mare. She was a tan pony with a purple mane. “I’m not going there yet!” she creamed.

“Ma’am please!” A unicorn begged. “You’ve already overstayed your recuperation period. We have other people to convert. We can’t let you stay!”

“I don’t care, just let me sleep here at least! I can’t leave! Not yet!”

The voice. I knew it. Tears filled my eyes. I begged and prayed I was right when I spoke. “Angela?”

The pony stopped and looked at me. “Oh my god.” She pushed off her assailants, rushed over, and tackled me to the ground. “Adam! I... I was sorry worried! What happened?”

I cast my eyes at the ground. “I’m sorry Angela, that day... I didn’t understand what you were saying. When I saw the letter, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I lost it.”

“Oh Adam, is that why you weren’t here?” She bowed her head. “I’m sorry, I should have been patient, this is my fault, we should have done this together.”

“It’s fine, just...” I looked up that the mare. Her eyes still had the same loving aura they’d always had. The pink irises where new though. “Just please stay with me through this. I... I don’t know where to go anymore.”

She bent down and kissed me. “I know where to go, I’ve talked with ponies here. They’ll help us with everything. Finding someplace to live, moving, getting used to everything.”

“What about jobs?” Here it comes, how can I make her happy if I can’t provide for her?

“Adam, the only things we need to do is help other ponies get used to life in Equestria, be good neighbors, and just make friends.”

“But...” I looked down at my hooves. “How can I do anything with no hands?”

“Adam, is that really all this has been about? Worrying that you can’t do things without hands? Do you really think that’s all I’ve been with you for?”

“Um...” My face started to feel hot.

“You’re a silly stallion Mr. Tacky,” she teased. She got off me and helped me up. “But that’s what makes you you.”

“So you’re really fine with me? Even without hands?”

“Did all that drinking make you go deaf? Adam, you’re more than just a guy who works on computers. Remember how we met?”

“A cheap singles dating party that we both thought was lame as hell?”

“Yes,” she replied before poking in the ribs with an elbow. “But you were the one who decided to leave and take me with you. That was one of the best nights ever, we had fun, saw the city, and ate stuff that didn’t come from a 99-cent store.”

“Heh, the food at the part was pretty bad.”

“My point is you were fun without computers. Is it really that different without hands?”

“I... guess not.”

“Good! Now there’s just one problem.”

“Which is?”

“Well...” she looked at the mess hall. She’d managed to make quite a, well, mess. “I don’t think I’m that welcome here anymore.”

“That’s right.” The red mare from before stomped over to us. “Even ignoring this mess, we still can’t hold you anymore, we’re overrun as it is. But I am glad you two seemed to have fixed whatever was wrong.”

“So I guess we’ll have to be on our way then,” I said.

“Well, you just went pony, so you’re entitled to recuperative care. I’d highly recommend it. There’s a lot of things that change when you’re a pony.”

I looked over at Angela and back at the mare. “I’ve kept her waiting long enough. C’mon Angela, let’s go home.” I started to trot over to where there was an exit sign, but I almost instantly stumbled and fell.

“Careful, walking takes a little getting used to.” Angela rushed to my side and nuzzled me to help steady my body. “That better?”

“Much...” I caught a whiff of her mane. “Why do you smell like lavender?”

“It’s, uh, sort of a thing for Earth Ponies. We just kinda smell like stuff in nature.”

“Huh, guess I’ve got a lot to learn.” The doors were close now.

“Don’t worry Adam, we’ve got strong hooves, we’ll figure out how to use them.”

“Thank you Angela.” We stepped outside. The sun hurt, but it was still a nice day out. “I think it’s going to be a nice day out.”

Comments

[Ocean Breeze]

That was good! Great work, FMP! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png

[voiddragon]

KRASS I KNEW YOU WOULD FORM THE PER.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Nopony's perfect, not even Celestia. Glad to see that, yes, there are some definite rough edges in this version of conversion.

Still, I can't help but suspect that Mr. Tacky here might be integral to preserving/converting computer technology in the face of magic. I don't know, it just seems narratively right.

[SkyStream]

A conversion bureau fic?

by the same guy who wrote Reality Break?

and I ALMOST missed it?

better look if its interesting enough...

[Chatoyance]

This was marvelous. Riveting, fascinating, with the feel of Silver Age science fiction in its prime, wonderful work.

[Spanner]

I approve so much. I think the whole losing hands would still tick me off. Plus Humans are going to go extinct. Just replace everybody wants to be a cat with pony.

[JustAnAveragePony]

How can 6 people dislike this? This is amazing! Great job!

[Defoloce]

Wait, no guns left in the world? That's a pretty big deal. When did it happen? Was that mentioned in Reality Break somewhere? I'd like to go back and re-read that section, because I obviously missed it.

[Da Bunnana King]

FMP... What is love?

[diamondMAN]

If Shadow Celestia showed up in my house, I would most likely jump off a ten story building and hit the ground FACE first. Hopefully not land face first into a vat of potion.