A new pony (edited)
The pony stood in the deserted road. He was tall, with a dark blue coat and a bright yellow mane. If there had been others, they would have stared at this sharp contrast. They would have exchanged glances at the unfocused, almost dreamlike look in his eyes. And, of course, they would have whispered at the trio of books on his flank. It was a routine the pony was familiar with, and why he had remained hidden until things quieted down.
The pony looked around, wondering where he could buy what he needed. One store in particular caught his eye, Sugarcube Corner. He walked inside, breathing in the smell of freshly baked bread and cookies. He spotted a bright pink pony behind the counter. He resigned himself to an awkward conversation, and approached her. “Excuse me, I-” he began.
“Ooooh, ooooh, let me guess!” the pink pony interrupted, “You want cookies!” The pony opened his mouth to reply, but the pink pony immediately said, “No, wait. You want apples! Sorry, we don't have apples, but we do have bread, and cupcakes, and cookies, and cake! So many cakes! Pound cake, chocolate cake, marble cake, fruit cake, pumpkin cake-” The pony had been growing more and more confused the more she kept talking. As she continued to list all the different kinds of cake, though, confusion turned to amusement. She just kept on rattling off whatever popped into her mind, quickly and unceasingly. The pony couldn’t help but laugh. “What's so funny?” asked the pink pony. She looked so confused that the pony had to laugh again.
“I'm sorry,” said the pony, “It's just that, this isn't what I'd expected at all.”
“What do you mean?” said the pink pony.
“Well, when a customer enters a store,” he said, “they expect to order, not have the clerk guess what they want. When a new pony comes to town, they expect to answer questions, not learn about the types of cake. And when I go anywhere, I expect ponies to ask about my cutie mark, not to have it completely ignored.”
“It's nice to be surprised. It's like a party!” she gasped, “That's right! I need to throw you a surprise party! Except now it's not a surprise, 'cause you know, and-”
“Okay, okay,” he said quickly, “That's why I'm here. I came to get a cake to celebrate moving.”
“Great!” she exclaimed, “How much do you need? I've got enough for ten ponies, or twenty, or fifty, or-”
“Just enough for two, please.” he said.
“WHAT!” she screamed, “You're only inviting one friend to your party?!”
“It isn't really a party,” he explained, “It's just something sweet for my sister and I to have for our first few days in Ponyville.”
“Oooh, you have a sister? What's her name?” she asked.
The pony felt a small smile grow on his face. “You know, you may be the first pony I've ever met to ask my sister's name before mine.” he said.
“Well, my name's Pinkie Pie,” said Pinkie, “That's one name I know. Oooh, and I know lots of others, too. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack-” The pony was quickly realizing that the only way to say anything to Pinkie was to interrupt.
“I'm Booker Longlegs,” he said, “and my sister's name is Pink Rain.”
“Ooooh, is she pink like me?” asked Pinkie.
Booker`s smile grew a bit. “Yes”
“What's her talent?” she said
“She's an artist. She puts dye inside rainclouds and moves them around to make pictures.” he said
“Oh, that sounds so neat! What's your talent?” she said.
And there it is. thought Booker. “My talent is reading.”
“Oh. That isn't nearly as cool as painting with rain.” she said, sounding disappointed.
Booker sighed, “I know. In fact, I might be the most uncool pony in all of Equestria.”
“There have to be other reader ponies,” Pinkie reasoned, “Some of them are bound to be less cool than you.”
Booker chuckled a bit at that. “If there are others like me, I haven't found them. As far as I know, I'm the only pony whose talent is reading.”
“Is that why you said you expected people to ask about your cutie mark?” Booker nodded, and Pinkie grew incredibly serious, “Still, you can laugh,” she said, “That's something,” she reverted back to her usual, cheery self. “And here's something else, I've got a friend I think you'll like. She loves to read, too.”
Booker looked at Pinkie hopefully. “Is her talent reading?” he asked.
Pinkie laughed, “No, silly. Her talent's magic. She just really likes to read.”
Booker`s hopes fell a bit, but not too much. He'd long since accepted his fate. “Either way, I'd love to meet her.”
“Yay! This is perfect! You can meet Twilight, and she can meet you! She loves studying weird stuff, like reader ponies.”-Booker`s smile faded at that-“and I can get started on your welcome party! Oh, but it's supposed to be a surprise…” she trailed off, looking very put-out.
Booker couldn't help it, he smiled at that. “Well, if there was a party, I'm sure I could act surprised.”
Pinkie brightened up at that. “You'd really do that?” she asked.
“Of course I would” he replied.
“Great! Come on, I'll show you where Twilight lives.” Just like that, she was off. Booker shook his head. He cast a look around the shop. I didn't even get my cake. he thought. Whatever he'd been expecting, it certainly hadn't been Pinkie Pie. He set out after her.
By this time, the town, previously empty, was bustling with activity. There were all kinds of ponies, construction ponies, gardener ponies, and restaurant ponies. They all paused to stare at the strange blue and yellow unicorn. They all exchanged glances with each other at the unfocused, almost dreamlike look in his eyes. And, of course, they all whispered at the trio of books on his flank. It was a routine Booker was familiar with, and why he would have liked to remain hidden. Pinkie was going fast, though, so he did his best to ignore it all and simply press on.
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I highly recommend an editor. I find the grammar so distracting that I can't even read your story.
I'm gonna have to disagree with Blue and Ken; your grammar is pretty much spot-on, save for some punctuation issues (this might help). The thing about punctuation is that... Well, carefully placed punctuation reads amazingly, but badly placed punctuation feels horrid. You should still get at least a proofreader.
Also, find someone to draw decent cover art. Your current art looks like it was drawn by me, and that's really saying something.
Unrelated tip which you may not need: Write down an outline of what you want to happen in this story, just a couple of sentences per section, giving a brief overview. Then find a friend who'll listen to your ideas and make sure they're not overblown or unbelievable or unlikeable so you know ahead of time. It'll help your story feel more coherent and stay on track, as well as letting you do cool things with foreshadowing and the like.
Other than that, welcome to FimFic!
It's not the worst thing I've read.
5578132
Actually, the only reason I came to this story is because of the cover art. I just had to have a better look at the bad quality. Now that made me read the story. Sometimes, bad is good.
5579704 Sometimes. Not often, though. It's generally safer to go with good.
5578132 Thanks for the advice! I'll bear it in mind. As for the cover art, I thought a story couldn't be posted without one, so I used what I had on hand (I didn't want to steal someone's work).
Aha...ahaha...
Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at that title art.
It's uhm, well, you sure you didn't get your artwork from Oliver Age 24?
Uhm, c-can someone help translate this? I seriously don't know what the f
ck I just read. Can...can we find an editor or a translator around here?
5 Minutes Later
Okay, I think I got the basic synopsis:
Somebody PLEASE correct me if I'm actually wrong, Cause I most likely am.
uche, mature, etc.)
Well, lets begin with the generic check!
__ Overpowered Alicorn
✓ Extreme Attention
✓ Bad/Generic Artwork
✓OC
__ Black and Red
__ Other (D
Well, you filled in half. I'd say this could be better than I expect.
Don't tell me I'm reading a porno in disguise. Where is the mature tag?
Was I the only one who thought that this was, erhm, a square cake slice? I mean, maybe I'm just hungry, but c'mon I can't be the only one who sees a cake in that cutie mark.
I noticed something when reading throughout this story. You use grave accents from the tilde key button. That is a HUGE mistake man, like, really, really big. Probably should stick with grave markers man, or these ------> '
B-Booker L-Longlegs and Pink R-Rain...
mlpchan.net/anon/src/mtr_1377994706775.png
Bonus points to you, man, that's pretty unique. I mean, more than usual when it comes to OC stories.
Although...I have ooooonnnee question.
...
Okay, maybe multiple.
Would a rainbow form when she's done? Wait, scratch that. Wouldn't getting a rain cloud be difficult? It has been demonstrated in the show that the ponies control the weather, but they just make the cloud poof away when they kick it. However, when Rainbow Dash was sad on one, it turned into a thundering rain cloud. So wouldn't it be dangerous? Also, when you do get a cloud and make the picture, does that mean its immediately wiped away if nothing covers it because the rain swishes the dye into oblivion?
Look, point is, exploit this more. It's interesting and I like it.
One last puzzling question that I just can't seem to figure out.
According to your artwork, Booker is a unicorn.
According to the show, pegasi associate with the weather.
I mean, you can argue that Rarity was able to control the clouds, but that was because she didn't know what else to do.
How do you get the idea that you should change the sky when your a completely different race?
That little tinge of seriousness that Pinkie shows out, I don't know what to say. I feel like it SHOULD happen but SHOULDN'T happen. Mixed feelings, bravo.
Oh boy, lets see what we got here.
✓Defeated major enemy(s)
✓Celestia's Pupil
✓Lives in a library
__Princess (Optional)
✓Most popular in town
✓Pet/Assistant dragon
Nope, can't think of anypony.
Okay, NOW I know for certain Pinkie wouldn't say that. It would probably end up as:
"No! You know about the surprise and it isn't a surprise anymore so now we won't get to eat cake and drink punch and celebrate you coming here and it won't be special for you and your sister that are going to live here knowing you never had the greatest most amazing party ever!"
Then she would probably end up in a sob for a few seconds.
I was right about to point that out, and then again its Pinkie Pie we're talking about here.
I love how when Twilight comes to town, only the other protagonists notice her.
This guy is just an attention magnet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.5/10
This story could become interesting real quick if you can change all the grammar, punctuation, artwork and characters up a bit. All I'm seeing right now is a mysterious Cheese Sandwich wandering into town, and that is sooooooo totally original in everybody's book.
But this story actually has some hope in it, I mean, if you remove the tilde key markers, I think this can go somewhere not generic.
Trust me.
That's a good thing.
5581016 Yeah, my names and artwork are awful. Neither are my strong suit, and since I don't want to steal other people's work, I just try to do the best I can on my own.
I think instead of "dreamy", I should have said "dreamlike". I was trying to emulate that look someone gets when you interrupt their reading. They look like they're still in the book for a bit before they focus on you. I figured a pony whose special talent is reading would look like that all the time.
Everyone's attention being fixated on him was more for his talent than anything. With Twilight, there's implications that there have been other ponies whose special talent is magic (Trixie). The point of this story is that there have never been ponies whose talent is simply reading (that I know of), and this is telling the story of a pony like that. To summarize, they aren't fixated on him because he's the main character, but because he's the first to have that special talent, and the cutie mark reflecting it. Also, comparing Booker to Twilight. The difference is that Twilight loves to read, but reading is Booker's calling in life.
I almost punched myself when I read your Pinkie section. That's much more in-character than what I wrote.
Honestly, I'm glad you commented. These are all legitimate criticisms, and I feel like this will help me greatly as a writer. My problems tend to be either explaining to much or too little. I wasn't clear enough in establishing why everyone was staring at Booker, and I apologize for causing confusion.
5581525
I kinda just wrote out what I felt that morning when I checked my inbox.
Glad my bedhead actually helped.
5581525 Is this little sketch I did better for you?
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2015/035/5/5/booker_by_sonicmlpartist-d8gp6ty.png
I did it all on MS Paint with a mouse in about 15 minutes. I changed the mane and tail a bit and the cutie mark too, if you don't mind.
5588394 Thank you! That is so much better than my artwork it isn't even funny. Thank you so much!
5602614 You are welcome! Would you like a fully colored version?
5602628 Thank you, but no. I don't know why, but I really like the lack of color.
5603994 Well would youlike just lineart or do you also like the sketchiness of it?