Human's double fantasy

Fireheart #1 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

....you need an editor, cause i'll help you integrate the chapters into one another, thats the rule longer chapters make happier readers. But the idea is a pretty good one.

greyyy

greyyy #2 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

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542022 indubitably

The sad mare

The sad mare #3 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

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this is a small chapter might turn people away from the story but ill keep reading

Discorded Q

Discorded Q #4 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

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Wow... Ouch... Quillo's mind is actually hurting me... This is a horrible first chapter to Quillo, I like it though.

This is what he find's wrong with it.

The character of Max is plain and shallow.
IT'S A WALL OF TEXT
It's short.
It's not gripping.

Quillo is waiting for a good Human in Equestria as a Dragon story and so far there is only two, another one and this... thing...

Over-analysis mode:

Draw out the prologue further, Quillo's mind can help with that, it's so annoying, he won't leave me alone unless I do something about it.
Anyway, it's confusing to say the least, first he is at his drum kit playing music, then there is a knife at his throat? While this is OK in MY mind, I am inhabiting Quillo's at this moment, and this is wrong.

PROLOGUE:
Quillo is a master at prologues, and since I inhabit his mind, I have his powers, and it's quite forceful actually, anyway, let's see what I can do...

YOURS:

My name is Max. I live a horrible life. Everyday, i get bullied, teased, or just have bad grades. I am a cancer survivor and im proud. I have 2 things to always want, one, to be in equestria, and 2, to be a dragon. I came home as usual and sat on my drum set and my ears filled with music and the sweet beat of the drums. "Let it all flow through the sticks and into the drums." i always say to cheer me up. But it dosent help me in my school life, I just want to go to equestria and start over. Well i was just about to give up when this happened. "Alright, wheres that damned knife?" I searched around for a while and found a black steel survival knife, razor sharp and ready for anything. "Alright, mom, dad, im gonna meet you soon!"
"Now why would you do that?" i just heard a voice in my head. Weird but im just gonna play along.
"What? Who is that?"
"Tell me why you have the knife to your neck first."
"Suicide. Thats it."
"Why is that?"
"My life sucks now tell me your name."
"I am Princess Celestia and i heard your call."
"Wh-what?" I was dizzy and passed out.

QUILLO'S:

My name is Max, and my life has been nothing but terrible ever since I started Year 6. Every day it's the same thing, wake up, go to school, get bullied by ninth graders, go to class, get teased by the girl I like, get in trouble by the teachers for trying to stand up for myself, go home, rince and repeat. Constantly I ask myself, Why? Why am I still living? Why do I go to school? Why do I get bullied? Why, why Why? Is it because I like ponies? Is it because I love dragons? Is it because I survived a battle with Cancer when my parents couldn't? I don't know! I just don't know! It's so unfair! Life is so unfair! No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get anything right! I hate this body, it's so weak, so stupid, so small. I wish I could be a dragon, fierce, monolithic, fire-breathing, feared, able to fly... I wish I could be a dragon, I'd be a loyal one, I'd protect people, I could destroy my enemies, I could do so much more than this body. I hate this body, I hate this world, I hate this life! I wish I could be a dragon.

I would have ended my life by now if it wasn't for ponies... My Little Pony, a colorful, playful, magical world filled with likewise creatures, they're so bright and happy, like a beacon of love, kindness, tolerance, happiness and joy in my dismal life. Yes, I am a brony, I love my little ponies, it seems silly, but if there is nothing else in your life that takes you off the floor then is there really anything else? Well, except for music, I love music as much as ponies, one of the only things I have left of my parents is my drum kit, I'd spend hours banging away on my kit, fueling my music with my anger and rage.

I'm at my drum kit now, I had just finished my song, now I am lethargic. I sighed, my mind is going over everything in my life that is just terrible, the bullies, school, not being in Equestria. I was close to the breaking point, sometime during my song I started crying, evident by the wet lines under my eyes. Weak. I wiped them away, more tears filled the lines. Pathetic. I'm still crying, bloody hell, I finally broke down completely, my drums made a crashing sound as I fell on them. I dropped the sticks and they made a clanging sound as they hit the floor of my room. It's not carpet, it's wooden, wood crashing on wood. My cries filled my room, echoing off the walls and the floor. Stupid. A flash caught my eye, I stopped crying as I looked to the source. It was in my bag, a Matte black survival knife, another thing to remember my parents by. I reached over and picked it up. Small. I held it in my hands and read the inscription on the blade,

There is always an answer,
~ Love, Dad.

There is, and it's in my hand right now. I steeled what I could of myself, I stopped crying, I lifted the knife slowly to reach it's destination, my left jugular, I felt it's cold steel on my neck, so welcoming. I stared Death in his face and awaited his grasp. This is it. I shut my eyes tight as I put the handle end of the blade at my throat. I was ready. I was going to do this, I am going to die, to end this all, to meet my parents, finally, after so long.

What are you doing? An angelic voice said at the back of my mind, I didn't have anything left to live for, I played along.

I'm ending my life.

Why? This made me pause. Why? Why am I ending my life? Because... Because...

Because I have nothing left to live for...
...because I have been separated from my parents for long enough...
...because I hate my life.

Are you sure?

Yes I'm sure...

Would you like to start again?

This surprised me, I moved the knife away from my neck and turned away from Death, What?

Would you like to start life again?

What do you mean?

In a different world. I paused in my thinking, the voice continued, You don't have any further connections to this world, I can bring you to mine.

What is your world?

Would you like a second chance at life? It insisted.

Who are you?

Your savior. It simply spoke back, never raising it's thoughts, Would you like to start again, in a different world? It insisted I answer.

I paused for a second, Yes... Yes I do...

I thought of a smile, a nice, angelic smile, Then... Sleep, go to sleep.

My vision started to fog, my hand dropped the knife and it stabbed through the drums. I fell forward off the chair I was sitting on. Then everything faded to white. Just like that... I was gone.

Well yes, this is what Quillo could do, even though I like your version better, this is Quillo's. Use it if you must.

I have to get rid of him soon.

Slathbog

Slathbog #5 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

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542500 You are now officially in charge of writing this story. That was AWESOME it was about 222% cooler and better written. I'll read the story if it is at least edited by you.

Discorded Q