Arrox and Jhi went over to a hotel near the outskirts of Ponyville. "This is where I'm currently staying at here in Ponyville," said Jhi.
"Thanks for allowing me to stay in a room," Arrox replied.
"No problem Arrox."
The two walked in. The manager walked over to them. "I see you brought a friend, Jhi."
"He's new to Ponyville and needs a place to stay at, manager."
"I see. Keep in mind it is that time where ponies are running to us for a room as soon as they can to rest up."
"I understand sir!"
"So colt, what's your name?" the manager asked Arrox.
"Arrox," he replied.
"You made a really good friend, you know. Jhi is always a good helper. I know you two will get along just fine."
Arrox smiled at Jhi.
"Hey Jhi, my fine friend, take him to Room 205." He then gave Arrox the card key to his room.
"Thanks!"
"You're welcome. If you got any questions about this place, let me know. Oh yeah, Jhi, make it quick! You've got a package in your room!"
Arrox and Jhi took the elevator up to the second floor and walked over to the door that had the number 205 on it. Arrox slid the card key in once and the door unlocked. The two then walked in. "Wow, this is better than back home!" Arrox said.
"Really? Why is that?" Jhi asked.
"My home is a little... unkempt..."
I bet by a little he'd mean a lot, Jhi thought. "Well, I'll be heading back up to my room. See you tomorrow Arrox!" she walked out of the room.
Right when she did, Rainbow Dash tapped on the window. Arrox walked over to her and opened the window. "What is it Rainbow?"
Rainbow Dash gave him a booster pack. "A little thank you gift from the Cutie Mark Crusaders." She then flew off.
Arrox closed the window and opened his booster pack. He got Magic Cylinder, Remote Revenge, Dark Hole, Baby Dragon (Level 3), and Kachi Kochi Dragon (Level 4) Ultra Rare. He smiled but put the cards in a drawer.
That night, Arrox dreamed of his past. He was dreaming of all the good times he had with his father. A few tears escaped his eyes.
Arrox, said a voice. Arrox. Wake up.
Arrox opened his eyes to see the spirit form of his father. "F-father? Are you...?"
"I am," he said. "I have come back from my sleeping form just to see you."
"So you're not dead!?"
"Exactly. I am in a mix of trouble on the outskirts of Equestria... There is somepony defeating ponies and taking their cards to turn them into power to dominate all of Equestria! I'm doing my best to shut down the machine. If I don't, it will create a blast strong enough to destroy an entire area."
"Is that why you... disappeared?"
"Yes, but do not worry Arrox. As long as he doesn't invade Ponyville, eveything will be fine for you."
"Hey, weren't you the one that helped me in the duel with the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"
"Yes. I told you about the plan as a voice. You seemed to be struggling with just two cards in your hand. I knew about what was going on by the power of the duel..."
"The power of the duel?" Arrox repeated.
His father nodded. "You were giving out a very stressed signal! I had to use my Spirit powers from my secondary deck to contact you and tell you what to do next."
"Thanks dad." Arrox smiled. "Do you think... you can tell me about how you... became a duelist?"
"Back when you were just a colt, I was on the search for a criminal since I was in a Police Force and not a Royal Guard like in Canterlot. I told your mom I'd be home late. He was a very sneaky criminal who steals items and sells them. I knew that I couldn't let this criminal get away! A few minutes later, he catches me instead and challenges me to a duel!"
"I challenge you to a Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel!"
"Are you crazy!? I don't have a deck!"
A policepony whistled at Arrox's Father. "Catch!" He then threw a Duel Disk to him.
He put it on and drew his starting hand. "If I win, you're under arrest and if not, I'll let you off with a warning, got it?"
The criminal snickered as he put his Duel Disk on. "Very well then."
"LET'S DUEL!" they said.
Turn 1: Arrox's Father - 4000 Life Points | Criminal - 4000 Life Points
"I start by activating Double Summon. Just like the name, I can Normal Summon twice on the same turn. So I'll summon Baby Dragon... then tribute it to summon Dark Magician Girl!" Her attack was 2000. "I place one card facedown, it's your turn!"
The criminal laughed. "Guess what? I activate Double Summon too! So I'll summon Winged Kuriboh and tribute it to summon Air Eater!" It had 2100 Attack Points.
"Reverse card! Intercept! Your card is mine since you tribute summoned it with one card." Air Eater appeared on Arrox's Father's field.
"I place 2 cards facedown. It's your turn!"
"First, I'll place a card facedown. I attack with Dark Magician Girl!"
"I'll just use Raigeki Break!"
"REVERSE CARD! SEVEN TOOLS OF THE BANDIT! Unlike you, I didn't use almost my whole hand on Turn 1. I pay 1000 Life Points and negate Raigeki Break before you can actually use it!"
"Darn you!" The criminal lost 2000 Life Points.
"Now Air Eater will finish the job! Attack!" Air Eater attacked the criminal, draining his Life Points to 0. "Now you're under arrest!" Policeponies surrounded the criminal.
"The criminal still lives to this day, failing to get away. He sort-of doesn't know when to not get into trouble."
Arrox was in shock hearing this. "You... you defeated a player in three turns!?"
"Yes."
"Well, I never thought such a combo could actually work!"
"That's why I added Intercept into the deck you carry today."
Arrox slapped himself twice hearing this.
"My time here is almost done. Is there anything else you want to know before I go?"
"What's your first name?"
Arrox's Father spoke one word. "Aaron."
"Thanks for talking to me... Aaron..."
"It's always a pleasure to see my son." He then disappeared.
Arrox layed down in his bed. So from the day I was born to his disappearance, I never knew about his dueling story or his name... I wonder why I never asked...
Arrox was walking back to Ponyville the next day and noticed Jhi in a garden with beautiful plants and graceful animals. She was getting connected to nature itself. Arrox walked over to her. "Hey Jhi, I'm heading over to Ponyville if you need me." Jhi looked at him and smiled. Arrox kept walking to Ponyville. He saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders meeting each other at the center of Ponyville, brohoofing each other and walking to Sugarcube Corner. Arrox smiled. Then he thought, If only you were here to see how great Ponyville is, Aaron.
5533606 Celestic Rebirth is a Yu-Gi-Oh! X My Little Pony fan set I created which is why I made it like that.
So what I'm about to say may be a bit harsh. But if you want to improve, at least give it a read-through.
First, I am by no means a Yugioh expert. That being said as far as I'm aware each player starts the duel with 5 cards in their hand. Each turn they draw 1 card. So the criminal should start with 5, then draws on his turn to 6. Then plays Double Summon (5), Winged Kuriboh (4), Air Eater (3), Ragieki Break (2) and Magic Cylinder (1). As far as I can tell, he still should of had one card in his hand to discard for Ragieki Break.
Now, for my problems for the whole story/chapter 5. Everything is too way rushed and very little is explained or doesn't just make sense.
Let's start with things being too rushed. By that I mean, there is so much going on in so little time, nothing is fleshed out. It's just things happening rapid fire with little to no substance.
In chapter 5, here are the things we learned within about 600 words:
-Arrox's dad is alive
-Whether Arrox's dad was alive or not was in question
-Arrox's dad was missing/disappeared
-Arrox's dad can be in a sleeping form
-There's a bad guy trying to 'dominate' Equestria
-There's a machine that can turn cards into power
-Arrox's dad can speak to him telepathically
-Arrox's dad was the voice that helped him
-There a thing called 'The power of the duel'
-Arrox's dad's a cop
-Arrox's dad wasn't a duelist until the story in the flashback
-Despite not being a duelist, Arrox's dad won a duel like a pro
-Arrox's dad arrested the criminal after dueling him
-Arrox's dad added Intercept to Arrox's deck
-Arrox's dad's name is Arron
All of that and a duel within 600 words. Some of those points could have been talked about for 600 words by themselves. Hell, some of the points could have been whole chapters. Like the back story with Arrox's dad. Talk more about what sort of cop he was, talk about a chase he had to go through before the criminal challenged him, have his partner say something, add more banter between the duelists. Something to add some character to the story.
But what I think might be worse than rushing is not much is ever explained, especially in chapter 5. I'm left with so many unanswered questions, it's frustrating to read. And a lot of them aren't just story-wise that could be answered later, a lot are questions about stuff that just doesn't make any sense. This is the list of questions I had after reading chapter 5:
-How did Rainbow Dash find him so fast? There are bare minimum 10 hotel rooms and he was only in the room for no more then 15-20 seconds. So how did she know which window was his so quickly?
-What does 'sleeping form' mean? Arrox's dad is in a 'sleeping form', but you never explain what that is.
-What does the 'power' do to help "dominate all of Equestria"? In this context, it doesn't seem like 'power' means influence, so what exactly is the power doing that's so bad that they can take over Equestria with it?
-How is a machine doing this? I guess this is kind of the same as the last question, but what is this machine and how is it turning cards into power to take over Equestria?
-Why was Arrox giving a 'very stressed signal' during a no stakes duel. They we just having a friendly duel, what was there to be so stressed about? Is this the first time Arrox has ever not dominated in a duel?
-"I had to use my Spirit powers from my secondary deck to contact you". What secondary deck? What spirit powers? How is his secondary deck and spirit powers connected? What can his primary deck do? How is it letting him contact his son?
-Why after leaving Arrox for long enough to make him think his dad's dead, did he finally decide to appear to him in a no stakes duel? Again, there was nothing on the line during the duel. It was just 4 ponies having fun. And yet for some reason it was a big enough deal that his dad, who hasn't talk to or seen his son in who knows how long, felt now would be the time to contact his son after all these years to tell him "hold off for two turns".
-Why is the first thing Arrox wants to know from his dad after being gone so long is 'how he became a duelist'? There must be dozens of better questions he could have asked. At least half of them pertaining to THE EVIL PONY TRYING TO TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA!
-What did the criminal do? Was he a thief? Murderer? Rapist? Loiterer? Some context into who they are and what they did would have rasied the stakes and made it interesting. If Arron loses the duel, are they just going to let him go? Would they be letting the sort of pony who could hurt someone back on the street, or is this just a pony who needs a time out?
-Why did Arrox's dad and the other officer not just arrest the criminal instead of dueling him? I get it, it's a YuGiOh style world and everything is solved with Duel Monsters. But, why not just arrest them. Again, would they have let him go if Arrox's dad had lost? You could have added that the criminal was just a petty thief, stealing an apple from someone's fruit cart. So if the criminal had won, it's not like they just let a serial killer go. They could just let him off with a warning.
-"The criminal still lives to this day, failing to get away". This makes absolutely no sense. Was whether the criminal was alive or not in question? Should they not be alive? Are they a serial killer? "failing to get away", so they are in jail and trying to escape? How is that relevant? Should there be a concern the criminal might escape? I don't understand this line at all. And there's no follow up questions from Arrox, he just goes right into the 3 turn thing.
-There is little to no reason defeating a player in three turns should be THAT much of a shock. He has a Montage Dragon, I'm sure he could think of SOME combo that could do it (not really a question, just a logic flaw I believe).
-While asking his name is a better question, again why isn't Arrox asking about the pony trying to take over (or dominate, but I assume you mean take over and rule) Equestria?
I feel like there may be something good here, but you need to put a lot more thought into it. Give characters more dialogue during the duels, make sure if you introduce something new you explain what it is, try to let ideas stand on their own and not cramming 50 things into the space of one or two. Don't give up, keep trying!
5536252 Yeah... that's a lot of flaws... O_O (It can be summarized as well as an Everything Wrong video)
I'm gonna try and add some more detail in this part and possibly six.