PinkiePie always woke up with the rooster. It was a given. She had long days full of party planning to get busy on, and getting up early to get the ball rolling only seemed to fit the hectic and never ending spree of streamers, cakes, balloons, and confetti. But for some reason, instead of her bright azure eyes popping open and leaping up at the proud 'Cockadoodledooooo' of the rooster, her eyes stayed shut and her breath whooshes from her lungs in a swift sigh. She slowly gets up from her bed, which was still covered in books and parchment paper, and yawns slowly as she slips onto the floor with a soft clop when her hooves hit the floor.
As normal, she looks cross-eyed up her forehead to get a skewed look of her unruly mane before rolling her shoulders in an uncaring shrug. She knew her friends were going to be waiting for her smiles, her sporadic glee to brighten their day up, a break from the monotony of life in small town Ponyville. She felt it in her bones, as clear as if her body was quaking with Pinkie Sense. It was going to be a rough day.
@>---%-------
Twilight hummed lightly to herself in her room as she read a thick, aged textbook, who's title was wearing away with time and warping. Spike had been spending more time over at the Carousel Boutique lately, though not as much for Rarity anymore. Twilight could read between the lines a lot easier than most could, probably easier than other ponies thought. Spike had done his best to hide his affection from the astute librarian-made-princess, but the lavender alicorn mare had spotted the small dragon shyly giving Sweetie Belle a flower only a few days ago. Twilight thought that is was quite cute that they had become closer, and all but applauded the adorable pair. She, herself, was alone in the library in the meantime, reading and studying.
Sometimes, she would crack open a gushy love novel to keep her giggling like a schoolgirl, keeping her hopes up for that special somepony to sweep her off her hooves. Even though she was a princess, she still had that urge to find love and comfort in the hooves of another. Unfortunately, being a princess was either intimidating to others, or a magnet for the rich and scummy. Stallions from all over Equestria had come to woo the new crown wearer, mostly for the title and glory and fame. But all were turned away, for Twilight had no interest in those who held no feelings for her, besides being able to call themselves a prince.
And thus, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Magic, was alone yet again in her stuffy little library to read and wish and hope for that special somepony that would make her life brighter and filled with joy. But maybe...maybe that pony wasn't as far away as she first thought.
@>----%------
Pinkie trotted down the street with a smile plastered on her bright pink muzzle, although the motion didn't quite reach her eyes. Anyone who was not one of her closest friends wouldn't notice the difference in the face cracking grin, and everypony she passed returned the gesture with a happy wave. Pinkie's saddlebags were heavy with books, though she didn't show it one bit as she made her way to Twilight's home in the Golden Oak's Library. She bumps open the door with her flank and slips inside, giving the musty library a slow once over and, seeing no Twilight moves over to the shelves. She begins to put away the books in a surprisingly calm manner, her eyes focused not on her task, but in her own mind, which to any other pony, would be a maze.
As she thought, and as she worked, a light whiff of Twilight's natural scent puffs up from one of the books, causing Pinkie to blush lightly. There was more than one reason that Pinkie came here on a near daily basis. The peace and quiet helped calm her, yes. But being close to the newly made alicorn got Pinkie excited, even made her smile genuine. The grace and innocence of the lavender mare never ceased to amaze the pink party pony, and being around her always made her feel...warmer inside. She couldn't quite place it, but Pinkie couldn't shake the feeling that she was waiting for something from Twilight, something big. It was like when you need to sneeze, but you can't. But for now, Pinkie was content to be around Twilight, Twilight's things, her makeshift home. It made her feel like she belonged here. She lets out a sigh before starting to sing softly to the seemingly empty air of the library, a sweet and slow tune.
"Twilight, how you're eyes sparkle,
how they dance with light and magic and all things light.
They make me want to get lost,
lost in your love and kindness.
You make things so bright and awesome,
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I may not be like you,
but I like you.
And I may not be perfect,
but I may be perfect for you.
And no matter what they see,
what they say,
I see you, and I say,
you're beautiful."
@>----%---------
Twilight lifts her head as she hears the door open, shutting the book with her magic before slipping off the bed, using her wings to balance herself. As she folds her new appendages against her back, she heads towards her room's door, hearing some books being moved around downstairs. Thinking it was Spike, she opens her mouth to call down at him, but as she peeks around the corner, she is startled to see Pinkie in front of one of the bookshelves, ruffling through some old hardbacks. Twilight stares at her for a moment before noticing that Pinkie isn't looking quite as happy and bouncy as she normally is, her eyes a more dull shade of their bright azure color, and her mane is flatter than the curly, uncontrollable mess that is the norm for the sugar fueled mare. But the thing that surprises her the most is when Pinkie begins to sing, the lyrics gentle but clear as crystal.
With each line, Twilight's face grows a darker and deeper shade of pink, the hot blush turning her whole muzzle from lavender to near the shade of Pinkie's own coat. When the little song is done, Twilight clears her throat and Pinkie jumps, her head whipping around with a look of pure fear and shame on her face when she sees the the purple mare. A moment of silence reigns before Twilight opens her mouth to speak, and Pinkie's ears drop before she lowers her head and runs out of the door, leaving her saddlebag and not staying to listen to Twilight.
The alicorn's wings droop to her sides and her own ears drop down to cup the back of her head, her rump dropping to the floor with a little thud. She had no idea that Pinkie had a thing for her, and though it was strange to know that one of her friends cared for her that way, it felt good. Good to know that somepony actually thought of her as a somepony, not just a crown or a friend or a librarian. As she lowers her head, Pinkie's saddlebag catches her eye and she uses her magic to lift it to her muzzle for examination. The powerful smell of sugar and pure Pinkie slams into Twilight and she blushes deeply at the scent, thinking how bright and happy Pinkie normally is. Twilight liked Pinkie that way, joyful and playful and silly...the look on her face when she realized Twilight had been listening was heart shattering, and Twilight never wanted to see that look in those beautiful sea blue eyes ever again.
"Wait...did I just think...Pinkie?! Could I really...like her? T-This is confusing...she's my friend! But she really is an amazing pony, trying to make everyone so happy...but she's a mare! What would Celestia think? Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh! What am I going to do? I don't want to make Celestia mad at me, but Pinkie...oh, Pinkie..."
The last two words are soft and quiet, almost a whisper in the affectionate manner in which they are said. She pulls the saddlebags against her chest for a moment, soaking in the scent of her pink friend before she slips them onto her desk and nods, pulling out a quill and ink. It was time for a letter.
@>---%-------
Pinkie ran and ran all the way back to Sugarcube Corner, her mane and tail falling flat and her color draining as hot, salty tears roll down her cheeks, everypony she passes turning their head and frowning with concern. She ignores the frowns, feeling worse for having caused the concern. She races upstairs to her room without a second glance at anyone, slamming and locking the door behind her. She lets out a sobbing scream and falls onto her bed, curling up tightly and clutching her pillow to her quivering form as her tears soak the fabric. She ignores the knocking at her door and the calling out of her name. She just lays there on the bed, sobbing and holding onto her pillow.
She couldn't believe Twilight had heard her! What was she going to do now...Twilight probably hated her, thought she was disgusting for liking mares, especially her. Or worse, she didn't want to be Pinkie's friend anymore. Pinkie could deal with Twilight not knowing that the pink mare had a crush on her, it was safe that way. But now? Now it was all Pinkie could do to keep from dying of heartbreak. Losing a friend would break her beyond repair. Pinkie could almost feel it starting in her heart, the little fissures of pain and anguish that popped into existence from the impact of the realization that her deepest desire was exposed. And with the pain throbbing in her chest, her thoughts scattered, and her chest heaving with sobs, Pinkie cried herself to sleep.
Nicely done
Twinkie Pie? You have my attention!
I'm pretty sure that Pinkie sung that in this girl's voice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRFyKRlPfEg
Nicely written. The pace was nice, and the words were simple and flowing. You had minor grammar errors, a double repeating word, and some punctuational errors. Otherwise, it was really nice. I can't wait to read more!
Oh, you already came out with the other chapter! Time to read on!
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, Fort Impression On Everypony
This is your first? Dayum you have talent.
10 out of ten so far
I'll try.
It's your first fanfic and I can remember how hard it is to do your first whatever. Every first time is hard. As to be expected with such, you got some things right... and some things could use improvement.
Let's start with the flaws - as I see them, anyway -, so we can end on a nice(r) note, shall we?
Tense. You're using present when it should be simple past. All over the place, but not always. Take your pick and stick with it.
Characterization. This one's the bigger problem. It's all about what motives a certain character to do what he or she does and how they tick, so to speak. Pinkie and Twilight, as long as we're not talking about some alternate reality-versions, have a certain personality with traits and flaws as shown in the, well, actual show.
Pinkie having a rough start was fine, good even. A few minor struggles and day-to-day-scenarios add more depth to her. But why, of all ponies, would Pinkie run as soon as she realizes that Twilight 'caught' her singing about her? She's Pinkie. She could probably vanish by jumping into a pile of books and emerging in her bathtub at home. She could try to bluff Twilight into believing that she heard a ghost spook around. Twilight wouldn't buy that, of course - but Pinkie could and maybe even would try anyway. There are so many ways she could've reacted. Running through the whole town while bawling her eyes out just isn't Pinkie. It's more of a reaction to be expected from Fluttershy.
Twilight, on the other side... is waiting for her special somepony to sweep her off her hooves? She's clearly spending way to much time with Rarity. Okay, in all earnest, though: Maybe she really is waiting to be wooed. And Pinkie's right there. Singing about her. In her own library. (Which, by the way, wasn't the smartest move anyway, Pinks...) She's confused by this sudden revelation, okay. But this confusion is clearing up way to fast. With life-style-depending and life-changing questions tagged on like "What will princess Celestia think about this?", "What will my other friends think of me?" and "Do I even like mares...?"
Maybe she's to confused to react. Didn't seem to be that way, though. And given that she seems to be perfectly fine after just a few seconds: She's Twilight. With her magical prowess, she could teleport in front of Pinkie. Heck, she could just grab Pinkie and lift her from the ground so she can't run away. She could probably even just teleport her back into the library. There's no way Pinks could avoid talking things out if Twilight won't let her run.
I saw that you worked on this for over a year. In that time, things can change rapidly, I know that. Maybe your writing improved over the course of this tale and this whole comment is pointless. I won't find out, sadly, since I won't commence reading this story. I'm sorry, but I just can't stand reading this much out of character.
As to what you got right. Your grammar was fine - no obvious typos tried to let my eyes bleed to death. Also, you got a good pacing down. And the idea of one having a crush on the other and accidentally letting this vital information somehow slip is always a nice premise.
I hope I was 'nice enough' and, maybe, somehow, even a little helpful. I wish you good luck and don't let this drag you down! Keep writing. Improvement comes with experience.