What is wrong with Trixie?
That was one of a hundred questions that flickered in and out in Trixie's subconscious. Distorted images, voices, emotions, nothing was clear for her. At least, until a particular memory bubbled up to the surface again.
“Welcome to the School for Gifted Unicorns, Trixie.”
That voice, one that was once so motherly to Trixie. Only snippets remained now, pieces of the memory scraped away by time. The voice was followed by the scraping sounds of a chalkboard.
“-Very skilled for your age, I’m expecting to start your apprenticeship after this test.”
Feelings of joy ran rampant along this memory along with the constant scraping sounds of the chalkboard.
Another snippet. “You may begin.” a half-remembered smile of encouragement. Nerves, tension, anxiety. Then...explosions.
“D-dragon?” Trixie heard herself whimper.
The voice, so soothing, so caring.
“Wait here for me, Trixie.”
A voice that became so much more to her years later. The voice always stopped after this part of the memory. Only emotions followed now, along with the feeling of time passing. Being afraid slowly turned to worry, worry turned to loneliness, and finally, Loneliness was followed by the feeling Trixie hated the most.
Abandonment.
With a yawn and an involuntary stretch, Trixie's eyes opened to a new day. Immediately after which, they closed again, irritated by the light streaming in from the window. A quick lighting of her horn, and the drapes moved in place to deal with the dreaded enemy of those afflicted with hangovers. A few minutes later found the unicorn assessing her current state of health.
Breath? Horrible. Mane? Ruined due to sleep, but still probably better than most ponies manes on a good day. Limbs? One, two, three, four. All still present. Head? Only a slight ache. Gryphon ale is apparently much stronger then I gave it credit for.
She pondered over what had happened after the conversation with Grendel, but, it was far too hazy in her head.
Must have just staggered back to the inn afterwards. Better not do that again though, in a few days it won't be safe at night. It was stupid of Trixie to do that in the first place.
Still, something kept trying to come back to her mind, a hazy image of something wobbling in front of her. Trying to think further on it only increased her headache though. After slowly rolling off of the bed, Trixie went to the bathroom and proceeded to clean the taste of filth out of her mouth. From there a shower was in order, leaving her a bit more time to reflect on last night's distorted dream.
Haven't had that dream in some time. It was still nice to hear her voice again. With any luck, Trixie will succeed here, and finally be able to see her. Just how many years has it been now?
Still, doubts lingered. Would this truly make up for her actions in the past? Would this be enough to turn her from a mare that was almost kicked out of town on sight to a pony who would be known Equestria wide? Was success here enough for her to be with the pony she dreamed of?
Only one way to tell.
Trixie slapped both of her cheeks while standing in front of the mirror, giving an uneasy smile to herself. "Okay, Trixie. we have a king to talk to. So go out there, flee from those children, and do what you need to do! ....Ugh." She trotted out of the bathroom. Her head felt heavy after what she put it through yesterday, and she was wishing she could just go back to bed and not deal with the city today.
Turning to the door, Trixie went to turn the doorknob, only to find a door handle instead. This brought some confusion to her face. Yes, it was a small detail, but she had been quite sure her room had a knob and not a handle. A bit hesitant at this discovery, she slowly grasped the handle and opened the door.
Nothing out of the ordinary was waiting outside for her, though it was clear to the showmare that something had happened last night. Several new boards were now on the hallways wall, clearly glistening with fresh paint. A couple more claw marks were marring the floor as well.
"Well that doesn't exactly explain what HOLY CELESTIA WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DOOR!?"
Scratches. The door was marred with them, especially deep grooves were around the door handle. Trixie thought back to the scratching on the chalkboard in her dream and shivered at the thought of some gryphon out here trying to quietly break in as she slept.
Okay, no more drinking, and Trixie is definitely putting all the furniture in front of the door for now on. Safe haven my flank!
Trixie made her way to the stairs and trotted down them, a mix of fear and anger overlaying her mind and causing her headache to worsen.
"Gretta!"
"Ah. Good mornink, Miss Trixie."
Trixie headed over to the bar and sat down. Seconds later, a small plate of potatoes and carrots was tossed in front of her, along with an apple. She took a few bites before glaring at Gretta.
"Don't you good mornink Trixie ....err... Trixie! Just what happened to Trixie's door!?"
"Oh, zat? One of your admirers decided they vanted a peek at you vile you vere asleep. I kindly explained to her zat it vas rude to do such. Ven her beak heals, I am sure sche vill be around to apologize, in fife years or so, anyways."
Trixie looked up dubiously from her eating. "five years?"
Gretta nodded. "Breakink the rules of safe hafen carries a razer shteep penalty. Lucky for her, you didn't vake up, else sche vould be lookink at being hunted herself."
Trixie's ears perked at this as she noisily spoke while munching on the apple. "Wait, really? Just for waking Trixie up?"
She shrugged. "Vell, its possible. Ze rule is to gife ze prey a safe place to relax. Vere is the 'glory' of huntink ven ze prey is half asleep on its feet?"
Trixie sighed and pushed the plate away mostly empty, the topic of her adoring murderous fans had gotten too dark for her stomach to finish the rest. "Of course, what's the sense in murdering something that is tired? Trixie thinks you gryphons are a bit sick in the head."
Gretta raised an eyebrow. "You Gryphons? It is only a few bad eggs zat are going against ze shpirit of zis hunt, do not lump us all in vith zem."
Trixie groaned and laid her head on the table. "That's not what she meant!"
"Zen perhaps you could be-"
"Oh for feather's sake! Could we please start already!?"
Trixie knows that nasally voice....
Looking next to her, Trixie found herself muzzle to beak with Groat, who had a very impatient look on his face.
"Start?" Trixie said with a lilt of feigned confusion. "Start what?"
Groaning, Groat glared at her. "The hunt, of course! I had barely gotten through my declaration yesterday when that beast of a gryphon swooped in and flew off with you! Such rudeness will not delay my victory today!"
"Declaration, you mean that whole thing about being a Cooked feather, or something?"
"Plucked feather! How dare you think I would be a part of those harlots in the Cooked feather clan!"
Trixie sighed and looked away, ignoring Groat. She really didn't need this first thing in the morning. "Both names are stupid. Plucked clan? Cooked clan? Those don't exactly inspire any impressive images to Trixie's mind."
"Hmph! False bravado will only get a plant eater like you so far! If you are ready to insult my clan, then you are ready to back it up outside, yes?"
"Trixie's not in the mood."
"N-not in the mood!? Why you-"
"Ease up Groat, bad enough you are in here antagonizink her right after eating. Let me hafe a vord with Miss Trixie and sche'll see you outside schortly, all right?" Gretta gave him a gentle pat on the head and waved her paw towards the door. Feathers bristling, Groat turned back to Trixie, who was still ignoring him, and then back to Gretta before stalking towards the door.
Trixie felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Noooooo....." she whined, petulantly.
"It's last night all ofer again..." Gretta mumbled under her breath. "Look, I know it is a bit early, and you probably hafe a hangofer, but you hafe to head out zere soon. You can't go and insult some gryphon's clan name like zat and simply valk away."
"But Trixie's not in the mood! Can't the city go after some pony else just for today!?"
"Considerink zere is literally no pony else in the city at ze moment? No."
All Gretta got back was some low grumbling. She sighed, looking over at the other patrons at the bar, at least half of them trying to subtly scribble down her and Trixie's conversation for whatever paper or noble they worked for.
"Beliefe it or not, if it vasn't for ze rules of zis hunt, you and Groat vould already be at eachoser's sroats and probably knockink ofer my tables. I vas serious about insultink a clans name, especially in front of some gryphon from zat clan. Just go, deal with him howefer you dealt wis him yesterday, and if you surfife, just shtay in tomorrow. No one vill fault you for takink a breather on the sird day of ze hunt. Ze second, howefer, von't look good."
Perhaps Trixie should consider staying in the rest of the week, if that's the case. Not looking suicidal enough to a bunch of murderous gryphons does not worry her so much.
Grumbling, Trixie finally relented. "Fine... Trixie needs to see a King about a thing today anyways." She lethargically hopped off of the bar stool, and proceeded to stretch her legs a bit. At least she had some idea of what to expect today.
"...A sing..." Gretta repeated. "How...descriptife. vell...good luck."
"Thanks..." Sighing one more time, Trixie walked towards the inn's entrance.
"About time you showed up! What? Did you lose your nerve after realizing what was going to happen to you?"
Trixie mumbled noncommittally to Groat, having started to look around the semi busy streets and skies since coming out of the inn. Despite her desire to just go back to bed, her mind had started working overtime since she decided to head out of the inn.
There are rules to this that Trixie doesn't quite get yet, but some things seem clear. Trixie isn't being ambushed the moment she walks out for one, unless Groat counts.
"Now, as I was saying yesterday. I, Groat of the plucked feathers clan, youngest son of Grogar-"
Trixie watched. She wasn't ready yesterday for any of this, but today was going to be at least a little different if she could help it. Taking a deep breath in, Trixie brought her eyes into a glare. For now, the best thing she could do was think of this as a performance. Her stage was Gryphus, and she, the central character. The star this town needed, but didn't deserve. The gryphons? Her audience. Hecklers were bound to make their appearance soon, and Trixie would have none of that. First, she would see to those nearest.
"Swear to abide by all the rules of this hunt, with full understanding that-"
None of the gryphons on the ground seemed to be threatening her. Some were openly staring as they walked past, while other groups nudged each other and had started watching her the moment she had left the inn. Perhaps it was years of gauging other ponies reactions to her performances, of needing to read ponies moods, or even some strange instinct, but none of the audience on this lower level seemed to be after her. Not yet, anyways. They didn't carry themselves like a hunting predator would. For now, the crowd was satisfied with her.
"On further reflection, if you could go more for the chest and not so much the beak area, as I have a thing this Thursday, I would-"
Then Trixie turned her eyes upward, to her roof top viewers. That was where one of the first hecklers yesterday had come from, after all.
Many adult gryphons were lounging on the roofs, it seemed that the cities roofs were designed just for gryphons to be able to comfortably lay on them. Large stones were laid out to be used as back rests, with smaller ones nearby to place their heads on while they sunbathed. Trixie noticed some of them eyeing her with interest, but not aggression. The adults were too relaxed to do more than admire her performance. They knew their place.
"N-not that I am against those kinds of relationships, b-but I am not hunting you out of any romantic interest, though I wouldn't-"
Then, she spotted them, though she did her best to pretend that she hadn't. A half dozen younger gryphons. Trixie guessed them to be around twelve, maybe sixteen? They seemed to be egging each other on, while a group of adults watched. One of them was a bit separate from the others, and leaning over the side of the building a little as he watched her. An adult with a onyx necklace was nearby, speaking softly to him. She guessed it had to do with his stance, as the young gryphon was readjusting himself repeatedly, slowly working into a crouch. He was making himself as small as possible, while keeping his wings wide, but low to the roof, Trixie guessed his legs were ready to spring. Yes, he'd be the first problem of today's performance. The one she'd need to make an example of.
"That was the first and last time I ever tried something like that, I mean, who knew goats were so flexible? It was-"
Better get back to my first volunteer of the show.
Trixie looked over to Groat, who was still going on about something. With a quick step forward, she bopped him on the beak with a little force.
"W-what the!?" Groat whined as he brought a claw up to his beak, backing up a step or two from Trixie. "What did I just say about the beak!?"
From above her, Trixie vaguely noted the young heckler take to the air and begin to ascend into the sky. He was just at the edge of her peripheral vision, right where she needed him to be.
"Sorry, Trixie was growing a bit bored. Have you finished your little family oath?" She gave him a rather nasty grin, causing his eyes to widen a bit. "If so, Trixie would like to show you why you should stay away from sick games like this one.". She took a sudden hop forward, causing Groat to let out something akin to a squeak and stumble back from her.
"W-What are you doing! Shouldn't you be running by now?"
She rolled her eyes at his stupidity. "Hmph, rather jumpy for the 'hunter', aren't you? What's the matter? Trixie thought you were going to prove to her just how strong the Plucked Chicken clan was."
The heckler reached a peak in the sky, hovering for just a few seconds, before he began his dive towards Trixie.
Seething a little at her, Groat screeched "It's Plucked Feather!" Before taking a step towards her. He suddenly gave a grunt as a sharp pain briefly went through his wing. Looking down, he spotted one of his larger feathers floating slowly over to Trixie, a drop of blood on its end.
Smirking, Trixie held the feather up before her, putting a hoof out to briefly pet it. "Is that better? You'd really think a hunter with half a brain would have thought to pounce by now. Shall Trixie pluck a few more, perhaps?" Briefly, she looked to the side, gauging how much time she had left. She felt a hint of amusement as she spotted the onyx bejeweled gryphon who had been coaching the young heckler. Apparently he had realized her awareness of the situation, and was watching warily, unable to do anything else for the moment.
"Y-you blue freak! I'll show you just what a real hunter can do!"
That's right, my little assistant, come to Trixie. She dropped the feather from her grasp, quickly weaving a spell around Groat. Groat had lowered his front to the ground, and was clearly seconds away from leaping at her. She heard the rushing sound as the young heckler to her side leveled off, also seconds away from contact. A quick, well practiced shake of her cloak dropped two smoke bombs to the ground, quickly starting to mist over the area around her. It was too late for the heckler to veer off.
Groat leaped, only half seen by Trixie due to the smoke, but she felt him hit against the ribbons of magic she had laid out. Trixie's spell grasped him in the air, working with his momentum, and tossing him in front of Trixie as she jumped to the side. She heard the cry of two gryphons colliding, a large crash a short distance away, and then, nothing.
Trixie quickly scooped up the empty smoke bombs, hoping no one had noticed them fall out in the first place, before using her magic to cause the mist to swirl and quickly dissipate. She took a quick note of her crowds stunned expression, the sudden lack of enthusiasm in the other would-be hecklers to come down from their view on the rooftops, and looked towards where she had heard the crash.
Apparently neither her heckler or assistant had had much luck. The heckler was pressed up against the side of a stone building, unconscious and lying on his side. It looked like he had taken the brunt of the impact. Groat was nearby and conscious, though looking like he'd be happier if he wasn't. Groaning and confused, he stumbled to his feet, almost limping around in an entire circle in confusion. A moment later, his eyes managed to focus on Gretta's inn, and he began limping towards it. He was careful not to put too much weight on his front paw as he went, and although it was obvious to Trixie that tears were dripping down his face, he was doing his best not to make more than a few whimpers as he slowly worked his way to the inn.
A dark impulse went through Trixie. For a moment, she pondered grabbing Groat's tail and pulling him back to her, just to see him cower. But...
Gretta seems to know him. Better if Trixie doesn't upset her. Besides, there's some gryphon else who deserves Trixie's attention right now...
Once Groat was inside, Trixie turned her sights back to the unconscious fool on the ground, feeling annoyance start to rise in her at the one dumb enough to have gone after her. None of the other young ones had been stupid enough to move from their positions, and some of the crowd that stopped to watch the spectacle had started to move on now that the show was over. A few gryphons, the one who was advising the unconscious one earlier in particular, looked on. Concern was clear on their faces, but none made a move to go after her, or to help the unconscious heckler. Perhaps they were smarter then she thought.
"Hah!" Trixie poked the side of the unconscious gryphon roughly, eliciting a small groan from her would be attacker. She noted one of the gryphon's back legs was at a very uncomfortable looking angle, along with a small amount of blood that had started to make its way down his face. She sneered.
Hmph, well, it was his own fault. Really, what pony or gryphon would be so...so idiotic to attack a unicorn as great as Trixie?
A brief glow of her horn, and a feather was ripped out. A growl escaped her mouth as her anger deepened.
Wake up, you moron. It's no fun if Trixie can't gloat.
She sighed in annoyance, giving the useless thing in front of her another rough shove. All it did was cause the gryphon's head to lightly tap against the wall and leave a blood smear.
Not so superior now, are you? Did you really think you were better than Trixie? Get up, you useless pile of feathers! Get up, so Trixie can show you your place! Far below her, like everypony else!
Another hit to the unconscious gryphon. Trixie hardly noticed when her breathing began to speed up. Images of towns, of mockery, of rejection, all made their way briefly through her head as she placed a hoof on top of the gryphon's tail and began pressing down.
Just because she was run out of a few towns, a little twerp like you thought she was weak! Trixie is not weak! She is the greatest unicorn to ever live! And don't you forget it!
Instinct caused her to look over her shoulder, catching the eye of the gryphon with the onyx amulet from before. Another gryphon nearby was trying to talk to him, but he didn't seem to be listening. His eyes were on Trixie, on the hoof she had pressing on the young gryphon's tail. Concern for the unconscious gryphon was clear on his face. When was the last time a pony had looked at her with concern like that? When was the last time a pony hadn't looked at her in disdain when her wagon rolled into town?
You wished I had never appeared, I just wished you'd give a damn.
Slowly, Trixie began removing her hoof from the young gryphon's tail, her eyes not leaving the older gryphons the whole time. When she finally looked away, it was as if some spell had broke over her, taking her anger with it.
Trixie promptly sat down, clutching a hoof over her mouth as she tried to control her now panicked breathing.
N-no...what am I doing!? Am I really acting like this again? D-didn't I learn anything from Twilight? From what happened before? What's the point of all of this if I'm just going to start treating others like this again?
As gently as she could, Trixie straightened out the gryphon's back leg, putting it in a more comfortable position. Luckily, it didn't seem anything more than strained to her.
I listened to so many stories of the elements actions, of their exploits. How they managed to pull through every situation by just acting on the virtues they represented.
Her horn started to glow once more, bringing out some bandages from a hidden pocket in her cloak. Since yesterday, she had been expecting that she would get hurt in Gryphus at some point. It had seemed like a good idea to carry some just in case.
Equestria won't accept this in its heroes. SHE won't accept this in me. I've managed to go so long without acting this way, why now?
Trixie carefully began tending to the gryphon's head, noting other cuts and bruises from the impact, and working to bandage them as well.
I need to emulate the elements better, if Tri- if I just follow the virtues, things will work out. Its proved time and time again to work for them after all. This one would be kindness, right?
Shortly after she finished bandaging the gryphon, he began to stir. With a loud groan, and a stretching of all four paws, the gryphon clumsily stood up. He winced and almost fell over again after putting some weight on his front paw, but Trixie caught him before he fell.
"Careful now."
His eyes focused on Trixie, who was helping hold him up. "W-wait. W-what-"
Loud snickering promptly cut off his question, causing the gryphon to look up, and Trixie's gaze to follow. On the rooftop, several of the older gryphon's were laughing and pointing to the young one. A couple clapped the jeweled gryphon on the back, saying things she couldn't hear in a teasing motion. She caught something about a tale involving a mouse and a lion, but couldn't make it out. The jeweled gryphon himself seemed both relieved, and a touch embarrassed. Finally, several of the other gryphons called down to them.
“Hey, Gulliver! How about ya thank the nice pony for bandaging your soft hide!”
"The little pony a bit much for you, Gulliver?"
Trixie felt the paw she had been holding clench, and then grab onto her shoulder. Grunting in pain, Trixie looked up at the injured gryphon. Gulliver's face was an impressive red despite the brown and white feathers. His grip tightened, causing Trixie to cry out in pain as his claws dug into her.
"Gulliver! Stop!"
Her shoulder abruptly released, Trixie quickly stepped back from Gulliver, and looked towards where the voice had come from. The gryphon with the onyx was standing several feet from them, and giving Gulliver a glare.
"But Uncle, she-"
"No!" His uncle held up a paw. "Save it. You dishonor yourself by injuring the one who cared for you. And no, it does not matter if you were hunting her in the first place. You lost, and she didn't kill you when she had the chance, Do not forget that!"
The uncle's eyes nervously looked at Trixie, and then to her right. Looking over, Trixie noticed one of the city guard watching the confrontation. Most of his attention seemed to be going back and forth between Trixie's injured shoulder, and Gulliver. A few short seconds later, the guard started walking towards them.
"But-"
His uncle's second glare was enough to stop Gulliver from continuing. With a upset huff, he lowered his head and nodded.
"Good. Now, come along. It's time to go home." His uncle turned around, and began slowly walking off.
Looking over again, Trixie saw the young gryphon giving her a nasty look. As he walked past her, he quietly whispered "Next time we meet, you’re fucking dead!” before limping after his uncle. Just as they put several paces between themselves and Trixie, the guard reached her.
"Miss Trixie? By the rules, you were illegally injured. If you like, I can have that gryphon arrested and an escort guide you around for the day."
I really need a copy of this rulebook.
She knew it was stupid to say no, but Trixie really didn't want to be around anyone at the moment. Besides, she didn't feel right about being rewarded after what she'd nearly done.
"No, Tri-I, I'll be fine. It's barely a scratch to me."
The guard eyed the obviously oozing claw marks, but nodded.
"Very well. Good luck on the hunt."
Trixie murmured a reply and sighed at the departing two gryphons. The uncle had looked back in worry a few times, and Gulliver in anger.
I...guess I should have expected something like that to happen.
She winced a little, bringing the rest of her bandage's up to her shoulder, and then started to wrap her injury.
After what I did, it's not like showing a little kindness would mean much.
Why does this keep happening?
Apparently today was ambush day. Every few blocks Trixie saw another few fledglings hiding and waiting for her to get close. It was concerning at first, but by the third time, they weren't difficult to spot, or evade. Her mind wasn't as much on them anymore, despite knowing how bad of an idea it was to get distracted. Her actions earlier still had a hold over her.
Is it stress? How do I never notice it happening before it goes too far? How can somepony not notice when they start speaking in third person like this?
It was always happening now, her stage persona kept taking over. However, Instead of wanting to wonder others with her magic and stage performance like before, it had turned towards something...darker. It wasn't always like this for her, though.
Was it the ursa? I didn't start having this issue before then.
She didn't think so. Even after the ursa incident, the sudden angry impulses and constant third person talk hadn't occurred. It must have been what happened sometime later. She had been fine for a month or so after the incident, but then somehow what had happened in Ponyville had spread like wildfire. Somepony had even warped it along the way, making it seem like the entire thing was her fault, earning her a quick end to most of her income or welcome wherever she went. That's when she had started to talk in third person without being aware of it. But it didn't explain the impulses to put others down, to look down at others and make them feel like nothing. That had never been a part of her stage persona, or her before.
"What happened?"
"Dunno, apparently some gryphon just blew through the wall last night, they had to shut the whole place down."
Looking up from her mulling for a second, Trixie noticed a few dozen gryphons standing near a building with several guards working to keep everyone out. A large hole was in the side of the building, where it formed an alley with another building. The scene seemed familiar to Trixie, but she couldn't place it, perhaps she had walked through this alley last night?
"What happened to the gryphon?"
"Apparently he's in a coma, not sure when he's waking up after something like that."
Trixie tuned them out, figuring standing in the small crowd would probably keep her safe as she went back to her thoughts.
Did the amulet leave something behind?
That seemed likely, it had changed her, took over, and made her into somepony she wasn't. She'd only been semi-aware of what was happening by the time she had arrived in Ponyville wearing it.
The amulet incident had only made things worse. Rumors spread once again, instead of not being welcome, she was outright chased out of towns. Her new wagon had been destroyed at some point as well. Even without the amulet's manipulation, was it any wonder that she had started having such angry impulses?
And now here I am. If this works, will it really be enough to be welcome again, let alone worthy of what I am after?
She'd done her best to keep to the elements teachings for weeks now, keeping in mind their virtues whenever she was around others. Yet not an hour ago she went into such a black mood again without realizing it. It was so hard to keep everything in check for her, to think on how she should act and behave instead of just...doing what she would normally do. Was every pony like this, or was she just bad at being a good pony?
With a sigh, she turned from the crowd, starting her way to the palace.
Trixie'll just have to be more careful to not let that happen again.
She quickly noticed a small tail poking out from an alley she was going to pass by, it began to wag excitedly as she got closer to it.
Not that this city is going to make that easy for her....
Really enjoying this story.
I know that with the episode with Gilda, Pinkie, and Rainbow most of the plot isn't cannon (well less cannon then the rest of the stories on fimfiction ), but I love the setting that's been created.
You've made gryphons into a hunter race, but not a villainous one. That's hard to do. In too many tales, if you eat meat, you're bad.
I look forward to more of this and hope to read it soon!
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Thanks for the kind comment. I do have a few work arounds already in place in regards to the Gryphon's cities and towns in Equestria in place, but none of them really matter in this story for the moment. But I'm not really all that concerned if the only thing out of canon in my story is the geography of a few places.
I'm glad you have liked the culture so far, its been slowly fleshing out in my head as I write more, this chapter in particular brought up more of it, and fleshed out Trixie a bit more. At least, that was the intent.
Although it has taking a few chapters to start to go into it, I did want to avoid making the culture seem evil, eating meat is just what they do, they are carnivores and would cease to exist without it. They have the natural instinct, and need of killing other creatures to survive, and the need to rationalize it so they do not feel as though they are monster. Nearly all other intelligent races *that I am aware of* are prey animals, so they couldn't trivialize hunting them for sport like their less advanced ancestors might have in the past. Thus, the different types of hunts and rules for each one.
Now I just have to keep the balance of a hunter society that isn't monstrous and I should be good.
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After the episode "Party Pooped." I start to believe the official cannon Equestrian geographic is messed up. If you follow Pinky Journey then she 1st goes to Appleloosa which is south then goes to Manehatten which is in the east and only then does go to the right direction. And she does all that travelling in a few hours.
Oh challenge accepted my dear friend. Okay all the intelligent predator species shown in mlp fim. 1st one is the easy one thanks to the comics we know the Chancelings are kinda of predator species because if they suck up all the love of it's victem.... well it's pretty.
Though not sure I think "Steven Magnet" the sea serpent is also a predator (because of his predatory teeth.)
Speaking about characters/beings with predatory teeth while also being intelligent the sirens and the dragons. The later even once tried to eat a fleeing Phoenix baby. That clearly reveals that Dragons eat meat too.
Oh and let's not forget the Chimera whom wanted to eat Applebloom. The thing held an entire conversation before the goat head decided to eat her as well as the pies.
But then there also some ponies whom showed rather predatory behaviour. 1st is nightmare moon, the entire story about nightmare night has to come somewhere, right?
And the final one is King Sombra. Oh boy he's revealed in the comics to be an umbra pony rather then a normal unicorn and he is known as the king of the monsters. But his predatory nature was only briefly shown in the TV show, seconds before his demise. When Spike fell down with the Crystal Heart King Sombra surged towards while licking his lips in anticipations. Even today I still think King Sombra was planning on devouring Spike.
As for the chapter itself, it was good. Not much to tell or nitpick about it. You play your strengths well. I find you one of the better writers here. With the exception of romance itself you are a master bring forth you characters emotions which is actually a hard thing to do. Especially since you tackle so well with some of the harder stuff to write about and yet you seem to do it at level I only can find in some of the better written novels on this globe. Keep on the good work.
I liked the addition to chapter 1, good stuff. You get just a hint of what the story eventually lays out.
This was good as well. Nice to see this story moving forward.
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Okay, so I should have been more specific, though, to be fair, that Chimera was not any smarter than most of the other animals in Equestria I feel.
I should have said that pretty much all other societies I know of in MLP are comprised of prey animals. There are no dragon cities that we know of, there are hives of changelings, but they don't seem to care to trade or get along with other races at all, so diplomacy isn't a factor with them.
Sea serpents like Steven can mostly eat fish due to being in the ocean...though I do wonder on the intelligence of fish in this sometimes.
But really, the only predator society we have seen is the gryphon's. Well, canon-wise. I like to think changelings have a society, but at the same time I never considered them predators as they don't eat meat, they are more like parasites to me, like how leeches need blood, but don't really want their food source to die.
I really need to try more romance writing. I can do cute and teasing well I think, though I wonder. Did you not consider the scene in Hopes and Follies between Discord and Fluttershy at least slightly romantic? Or the scene at the end after Trixie became an alicorn? If not, what do you consider romance?
Not annoyed at your statement, just curious.
I shall, I am already working on the next chapter as there is a scene I am really interested in getting done.
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Okay in the TV show yes that's true, in the comics not so much (which are considered semi-cannon) as in "Friends for ever" series Issue #14 we learn that Dragons that not all dragons live in caves. Some of them have settled in Fillydelphia and created their own community called dragon town. These dragon live amongst ponies.
I think the problem is more because of your other strengths The romance part looks bad while it's more average. In other words it's overshadowed by your other strengths making it appear to look bad. While I'm not a writer myself only a reader so I don't think I can say anything professionally. But I read over 300 books by now and I noticed when the author writes romance they usually go over the top.
A very good example is in your sequel "Backstage Reflections." Trixie frustrations are really well written and overshadows her lust parts with the illusion later on in the chapter. Which like I say are very good written and so far is the best thing you created in terms of romance it's still not par with the rest.
Also with romance between Discord and Fluttershy again the same problem occurs Discord fear of being alone again comes over stronger then the love he has for Fluttershy. Personally that's not a bad thing. Discord is indeed the character that's self centred. A character like Discord can only start a real romance when his full attention is focussed towards the object of his desire without any distractions such as fear. So don't chance it, the scene is just perfect.
I also still believe back when you wrote this chapter that it wasn't the shipping between those two but more the act of betrayal Discord did towards Trixie. Because the story wasn't finished back then it can hurt those whom read it. This actually a testimony how good you are as a writer, you let the reader invest in the main character so much that the act of betrayal comes out so hard. Because the story wasn't finished the readers simply assumed the worse and hit the dislike button. But now that the story is finished and they know how the story ends the reader no longer assumes. So how many dislikes have you gotten since you finished the story? When I look at the rating it's 180 likes and 11 Dislikes. That means 94% of your readers loved your story. And considering that it's over a hundred readers makes this an accurate reading.
So the real Elephant in the room. I will answer each question separately.
The answer is yes, I do find it romantic but as explained earlier the fear Discord has of being alone overshadows the concept of the idea for him living without Fluttershy.
And now the real thing Trixie and Twilight. For me it seems these two have more developed a crush about each other. A true romance is more then that. Right about now it's what these two are having is superficial. Kinda like "Flash" and "Twilight" have in the 1st movie only yours is better developed.
A real romance is the bonds they create with each other. Twilight and Trixie so far have to little time with each for the love to blossom. Neither of them were even sure about each other feelings to each other the 1st place. If I had to say the most dominant emotion for each of the 3 main characters then it was fear rather then love. Twilight fear of failing Celestia, Discord fear of being alone and Trixie fear of being forgotten.
Yes "Hopes And Fillies." could be more romantically written but it would weaken the story as whole. I think the current motivations portray their characters rather well.
So what can you do in your next story to make it more romantically?
1. Love is one of the strongest emotions so you need to go a bit over top.
"Twilight felt a warm body pressed next to hers shortly after. A few golden sparks hung in the air, tugging at something in Twilight's mind, but she couldn't focus well, not with Trixie's scent making her head feel fuzzy. " <- This is one of your strongest lines in "Hopes and Fillies" of expression of an emotion of love/lust/desire. If more of your chapter was written like this it would indeed be more romantic story. You need to add more Romance parts and lessen the rest in your story structure to make it feel more like a romance.
2. Trixie needs to be less self centred and a bit more concerned about Twilights feelings and desires then her own.
This is really hard thing to pull off without making a total 180 character flip. Trixie is a narcissistic character which actually makes her unique and stand out. It's her flaw that makes her a 3D character. So my advice is don't let her overcome this flaw but let her grow it into that she uses it to her advantage. Example Trixie would love to receive a lovely smile from twilight. She desires to receive that love so she wonders how she can get what she wants. She comes to the conclusion she needs to do something to make Twilight happy to receive what she desires. (This is a thought process of Narcissistic Character, a non Narcissistic character would just try to make someone happy in general such as Pinky Pie, Narcissistic character needs personal benefactions to start thinking about another being feelings.)
3. Let Trixie and Twilight interact without being rushed.
In other words let them have a conversations in peace. This wasn't possible in the previous story but if you would create a situation where the conversation just go into a relax pace without a deadline or timetable it would work wonders to deepen their bonds. In other words romance needs time to build up.
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Heh, I wonder if that is now not canon as the show takes precedence over the comics. I mainly say that because in Princess Spike they they representatives from every city in Equestria, we even see a donkey and gryphon or two. But, no dragons. If they do have a town, I have to assume they are not well liked, and this is hinted at all the dragon sneeze trees around the embassy meet-up area.
As for everything else you put wrote, I have to agree with it. Its very well thought out and explained. I do plan to look copy some of this as reminders/notes for the sequel to Hopes and Follies.
I do have issues with over the top romance, at least writing it, I like more subtle. Teasing, jokes and innuendo, those kind of things. But, perhaps that's more lusty then love. Admittedly in both of my stories Trixie is meant to be slightly obsessed with the object of her desire. But, it's also subtle in a sense. Trixie still thinks about herself more than anyone else, but she goes through with crazy schemes to be with/prove herself to whom she desires. I suppose that would come out more if I, I don't know, had her and her object of affection meet for more than a few minutes at a time.
Once again, thanks for the detailed reply, I shall keep it in mind for my future plans.
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Glad I could help. Two things though.
The dragons are more like the real worlds chinese creating communities such as China Town within a major Metropolis at least according what we can glimpse from out the comic. Fillydelphia is mainly populated by ponies so logically their representative would be a pony.
That can actually work but only if the characters are indeed on a fixed relation. But Trixie and Twilight are not. In a matter of fact usually romantic relations start with over the top and can then slowly evolve into the subtle, teasing, joking and innuendo. But I think it's also possible that it starts with just teasing and joking when the characters are both oblivious or unsure about their true feelings. In that regard you actually wrote it rather well in your stories. However when such characters realize their true feelings about each other the romance usually goes more and more to over the top as the spark ignites between them. And when the fire of love reaches it peak it slowly dies down back to where they started only now the bonds have been forged with each other. And thanks to those bonds the subtle, teasing, joking and innuendo things have more reason for each other and create more reaction to one other.
This is for me how a true romance/love works at least for me. And considering this, now your story actually make sense. Now I think of it. Twilight and Trixie are not yet in a romantic relationship but they are at the start of it.
Just an idea but mayhaps a friendly changeling to help her out. After all canvone really not like someone thats keeping them alive
Man, this chapter took a turn for the dark with Trixie's introspection. She seems really hard like she's trying to improve, but she came to one of the worst possible places to do it as it appears to be bringing out all her stagepony instincts, plus the need to fight in order to survive, along with a little hint of an abandonment complex. However, at least she doesn't have to deal with her reputation in Gryphus.
I see we are at least shown that Trixie definitely beat up the gryphon from the night before. If she was intelligent and it was well understood within the rules, she could probably grab some money off of each gryphon she beats up if they're carrying any around to continue paying for her inn stay.
I got that reference.
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I don’t really think that her psychopath personality is really that bad...
She’s just learning self-control.
“All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep 'em on a leash”
- Arsonists Lullaby