Trixie is seeking something. She's been looking for it for a long time now. Acknowledgement. Not just from a small town or two, but all of Equestria. Is that so much to ask?
Unfortunately for her, both of her trips to Ponyville ruined any chance of that. At least, in a positive light. It's time to try a new approach, one that brings her far afield, and into a hostile city.
It's time to try a new attitude, if she can keep it up. A mindset more in line with what it seems Equestria wants from its heroes. One that might finally let her fulfill a promise she made long ago to a certain mare...
Sadly, the Gryphons of this city have a different outlook on life, and its value, than Equestria. One Trixie is about to run horn first into.
Thanks to Crowscrowcrow for help with editing and story.
Hm. Look interesting and I'll definitely read. but just to tell you:
You mean 'than'.
5544261 me and that word have been at war for a long time, my friend. Seems like it is still winning.
5544777
Then maybe you should consider calling for backup because I know you're better than that.
Example sentence and reminder. Then is a reference to time and usually at the beginning of a sentence. Than is used for comparison and thus in the middle of a sentence. (Rough rule to go by but as with anything in English there are probably many exceptions).
5544866, I'm pretty sure 5544777 knows both what 'then and than' are and how they're used. He just made an honest to goodness mistake.
Speaking of mistakes, I only caught two. In the chapter.
'Far away' or 'far' minus the 'a'
and
'it' needs a capital 'I'.
You might want to tone down the accent of that griffon just a bit. 'Z's' and a dash of 'sh's' are all that's really necessary for giving off a german accent. Changing up the spelling just makes things a bit more harder for the reader.
Otherwise, 5544777, this story looks like it will be spectacularly awesome. I wonder what 'the rule' is that that poor zebra was going on about and how Trixie will get out of this mess alive.
Okay, I was already informed about your idea of the Gryphon story. So far so good, can't wait to read the next chapter. Your small build up to the Gryphus dark secret was done good. I wonder which approach your going to take. Is the end that Trixie will level down the city. (We know she has since her accession the power to do so.) Or will she simple flee with some fellow unfortunate prey? Or perhaps you have something else in mind like Spartacus that Trixie ends in an arena duelling constantly for her life against Gryphon warriors that want to eat her but always end up being defeated by her in a humiliating and flamboyant way.
Or maybe something else all together. Heh only time will tell.
5545077
Trixie tried to be smart and rhyme Zara and come up with fara. Trixie is under appreciated.
5545139
I don't think this is set in "Hopes and Follies" universe. Well at least not after HaP.
Interesting start, but every single time you use a plural word, you have an apostrophe, and every time you need to show possession, you don't use an apostrophe. It's one of the strangest grammatical errors I've ever seen.
5545077
Aww, I was having so much fun with that. I was even following a guide on how to write with a German accent.
If it is too hard to understand then I will look into using less of the rules. I was worried it wouldn't look right if I skimped out on any of them.
Heh, I tried making her unintentionally racist to the Zebra. Ignorance seems pretty easy for Trixie to have. But hey, at least she isn't running away, and screaming about an 'evil Enchantress' like some other town I know.
5545149
5545139
This is indeed not in the Hopes and Follies Universe. I need to make a blog to explain more soon.
5545333 At least I'm consistent?
I have become much better at my punctuation, but apostrophe's are also not something I am good at. the Then and Than thing I simply need to go through and check, and remember what is used for where, but apostrophe rules and me are not working well together just yet.
Suppose I'd better check through this again and see if I notice where the issues are now, and get a guide on apostrophes...
5545149
My bad it seems your right that and it seems the author confirmed this that in a different universe.
I know that originally to my knowledge the author wanted this to take place after hopes and follies. Too be honest I'm glad he chanced it, this will make the story far more interesting with a Unicorn Trixie.
Sadly this isn't a prequel to Hopes and Follies it would really be nice if this story was a bit more background for Trixie that shows us how bad her life had been before she decided to go for the road of alicornhood.
5545333 Okay, just did alot of editing on apostrophes. Hopefully I fixed most of the mistakes. Thanks for pointing it out.
Missed quotation marks.
5546973 Fixed.
It occurs to me that Trixie seems convinced that boars and minotaurs don't eat the same things as she does. I wonder what she thinks they eat? The funny thing is, I can't be sure if this the way things are or if it isn't just another case of her amazingly ignorant racism at work.
She really should brainstorm with the Flimflam brothers on this.
Oh horse apples. This is what you get for taking such good care of your appearance, Trixie. Lecherous looks from folks who want a piece of that sexy flank.
I am not sure why, but I really enjoy that deaf line. It speaks pretty well to the imagination how all the sound just suddenly vanishes half way through her thinking process.
There's being rebellious, and there's being careless. Though to be fair, I guess this would be so far out of Trixie's sphere of experience that she can't imagine she is actually in danger of being eaten by the townsfolk.
That one's Loyalty.
Poor Trixie. She just cannot stay out of trouble. Maybe her more harmonious approach will work out for her though. We'll find out.
Notes:
There's a wayward space at the start of the dialogue.
5549103
Well in Trixie's defense, boars (IRL) are omnivores, whose diversity in food is familiar to that of humans, sort of. (It includes rhizomes, roots, tubers and bulbs ,nuts, berries, seeds, leaves, bark, twigs, shoots, garbage, earthworms, insects, mollusks, fish, rodents, insectivores, bird eggs, lizards, snakes, frogs, and carrion.) Not many of these things are edible (or at least desirable for that matter) by ponies.
Majority of theirs portrayals paints minotaurs as omnivores as well.
5549494
Interesting. Trixie might well be on to something then, and not be racist.
Well, on the bright side, at least Trixie's found a - more-or-less - safe place to sleep. So far, so good. And she knows the danger... that's better.
Now she's just got to figure out how to either survive, or how to leave the city alive.
Well I suppose as a unicorn she's probably the best equipped to defend herself of all the pony types. But I think she's going to have to realize very quickly that her magic needs to be used in a combat form if she's going to survive here.
Okay I must be honest, is it really mean of me, as a Trixie fan that I actually laughed when she was thrown like a bowling ball?
Im enjoying this story a lot, espeacially the way you write Trixie's hilarious toughts. You just earned a fav.
You are a zebra, after all. But Trixie just never had any luck telling Zebras apart. She always thought it was a shame you don't have all the colors of fur ponies do. It would be easier to tell you apart, and probably really help bring color to your lands." Zara was giving Trixie a strange look. She must be pondering on what Trixie said. It was pretty insightful. Perhaps bringing up dying her coat to be unique among her kind would be a good idea.
LoL!
Every young gryphon is out to get Trixie! I hate to be in her place. This story is getting good, it's so funny. I look forward to reading the next chapter, when it comes out. 
Keep up the good work.
Wow, so casual murder is a thing apparently? Sorry, unbelievable stories are not entertaining stories
Good stuff so far
Nice to see this isn't dead and that you have some idea where it's going.
Only question is what's to stop Trixie from just hiding out in the inn, and running out the clock? Besides $$ of course.
Ok, so if someone just randomly shows up they have issued a challenge? That seems really stupid and is easily something that would lead to too many diplomatic incidents. Example: I'm a curious person who leaves and tells his family his actual plans to explore and I want the thrill of discovery, so I don't do research. I give my parents an estimated schedule of where I'm going. I send letters regularly and end up in the Griffon lands. I obviously know nothing and walk in, apparently issuing the challenge and quickly dieing. My parents last letter says I went into the Griffon lands. They then discover I have technically been murdered: boom diplomatic incident, claims of barbaric ways, and you have enough tension for wronged parents to bring people together to possibly force Celestia's hooves, especially if they leak the story to the media and the possible "lack of care" of Celestia for doing nothing about their "poor baby."
6036669
I would love to see that letter.
6036775
I now want to have an OC called Darwin Award to use in various short stories with similar themes to this.
6036929
I'd read it.
6036933
Umm, I'd like to point out there are a lot of people that stupid out there (and there's no indication that the ponies on average have a higher intelligence than us) that would do something like this. There's a reason there are A LOT of Darwin Award winners in real life. Plus you could have a letter that goes along the lines. "Been spending most of my time in the wilds checking out all the lack of sites in the Griffon Lands. Running low on supplies, so I'll go get some water at the nearest city. The Griffons have been giving me weird looks but I guess most have just never seen a pony."
Eh I just think my problem is that it stretches my credulity that merely walking in would cause the challenge. Now going in wearing a banner not represented by any family might be legitimate (that way you can blame her wearing her cloak while coming in) and would seem at least a bit more reasonable to me, as not many ponies wear flashy cloaks like Trixie.
6036964
That is kinda the point though, isn't it? If Darwin Award practically sneaked into the griffon kingdom and avoided anyone that could have warned him of what the laws are, then yeah he's going to be in for a bad ending.
That might actually be worse. Because then anypony that walks into the city without markings or a cloak isn't even afforded any of the breaks that come with the challenge. Like, it will be perfectly okay for any griffon to attack them without waiting till morning, etc, etc.
I do really like the idea of Trixie's cloak getting her in trouble like that though.
Edit:
I think perhaps part of the issue is that we're only seeing what Trixie finds out. The full context isn't known to Trixie, (yet?).
6036999
My problem is that the attacks would be allowed at all if they just came in without anything. Just pick your easily visually distinguishable characteristic that led to a person being attacked on site within a country. Now make it so that the country that represents that group of people has highly powerful weapons behind them that could end the world (*cough* eternal night *cough*). Just seems unlikely to be allowed considering the possibility of fool or idiots, like Trixie, wandering in. All you need is one person in a high position to create enough political fallout that a war would be likely.
Eh at this point I'll probably just follow the golden rule: It's a story, go with it as long as it doesn't make me angry to the point of wall bangery (this doesn't even come close if that isn't clear. This is just minor nickpickery).
I really like this story so far.
Admittedly that's probably in part because I both love Trixie stories and stories with a kinda...messed up premise. Even still, Trixie's ongoing struggle to be a better pony being pitted against getting hunted seems pretty interesting. I hope we get to see some dogged intelligence and I REALLY hope she gets a chance to prove that she's changed for the better.
After three weeks of this, she could really use some love from back in the homeland.
...I question how much sense this comment made, but I refuse to reread it and edit for quality.
6036266 Oh I do not plan on ever having a incomplete, or unfinished story, its why I only work on one or two at a time. As for your question, you'll have to stay tuned for the answer.
6037223 6036999 Hmm..well, some of this will be revealed, while some may not make it in. The issue is I don't want to write chapters of nothing but exposition, especially when it can be spaced out in other chapters and work in more naturally. And some of it would not be learned by Trixie in general due to not being important to her, but I will reveal as much as I can if it fits.
Also its not 'within the entire country', this hunt and challenge is only in the capital. Though the protection granted by the noble families is highly advised regardless. I did not put that in correctly however, and have corrected it now.
A pony wandering in and getting itself eating will not be a national incident, because it is illegal to cross the border into the gryphon lands in the first place. That pony in such a position sneaking into the gryphon territory would be doing it on their own stupidity, especially if they went their w/out guards. It was explained that Trixie had to avoid the Equestrian border patrols and sneak into the gryphon's lands in the first chapter.
Plus, as I said, there is much not explained yet. I hope you have enjoyed the story so far, despite this little plot concern.
6044214 Yeah, this is a bit of a messed up premise. Funny enough, this is a prequel to the story I want to write, but I figured starting with this background would be best. It was only meant to be a one-shot, but I ended up with way too much material to do that.
And yeah, Trixie in this is trying to work on being a better pony, sadly, Gryphus isn't the best place to do those lessons in. Still, she made a friend and is still alive, so that's a start.
Some sense, and meh, I don't always check my comments for quality either.
6046390
As long as the issue is addressed and this wasn't an oversight, that's all I ask.
Really enjoying this story.
I know that with the episode with Gilda, Pinkie, and Rainbow most of the plot isn't cannon (well less cannon then the rest of the stories on fimfiction
), but I love the setting that's been created.
You've made gryphons into a hunter race, but not a villainous one. That's hard to do. In too many tales, if you eat meat, you're bad.
I look forward to more of this and hope to read it soon!
6194758
Thanks for the kind comment. I do have a few work arounds already in place in regards to the Gryphon's cities and towns in Equestria in place, but none of them really matter in this story for the moment. But I'm not really all that concerned if the only thing out of canon in my story is the geography of a few places.
I'm glad you have liked the culture so far, its been slowly fleshing out in my head as I write more, this chapter in particular brought up more of it, and fleshed out Trixie a bit more. At least, that was the intent.
Although it has taking a few chapters to start to go into it, I did want to avoid making the culture seem evil, eating meat is just what they do, they are carnivores and would cease to exist without it. They have the natural instinct, and need of killing other creatures to survive, and the need to rationalize it so they do not feel as though they are monster. Nearly all other intelligent races *that I am aware of* are prey animals, so they couldn't trivialize hunting them for sport like their less advanced ancestors might have in the past. Thus, the different types of hunts and rules for each one.
Now I just have to keep the balance of a hunter society that isn't monstrous and I should be good.
6195247
After the episode "Party Pooped." I start to believe the official cannon Equestrian geographic is messed up. If you follow Pinky Journey then she 1st goes to Appleloosa which is south then goes to Manehatten which is in the east and only then does go to the right direction. And she does all that travelling in a few hours.
Oh challenge accepted my dear friend. Okay all the intelligent predator species shown in mlp fim. 1st one is the easy one thanks to the comics we know the Chancelings are kinda of predator species because if they suck up all the love of it's victem.... well it's pretty.
Though not sure I think "Steven Magnet" the sea serpent is also a predator (because of his predatory teeth.)
Speaking about characters/beings with predatory teeth while also being intelligent the sirens and the dragons. The later even once tried to eat a fleeing Phoenix baby. That clearly reveals that Dragons eat meat too.
Oh and let's not forget the Chimera whom wanted to eat Applebloom. The thing held an entire conversation before the goat head decided to eat her as well as the pies.
But then there also some ponies whom showed rather predatory behaviour. 1st is nightmare moon, the entire story about nightmare night has to come somewhere, right?
And the final one is King Sombra. Oh boy he's revealed in the comics to be an umbra pony rather then a normal unicorn and he is known as the king of the monsters. But his predatory nature was only briefly shown in the TV show, seconds before his demise. When Spike fell down with the Crystal Heart King Sombra surged towards while licking his lips in anticipations. Even today I still think King Sombra was planning on devouring Spike.
As for the chapter itself, it was good. Not much to tell or nitpick about it. You play your strengths well. I find you one of the better writers here. With the exception of romance itself you are a master bring forth you characters emotions which is actually a hard thing to do. Especially since you tackle so well with some of the harder stuff to write about and yet you seem to do it at level I only can find in some of the better written novels on this globe. Keep on the good work.
I liked the addition to chapter 1, good stuff. You get just a hint of what the story eventually lays out.
This was good as well. Nice to see this story moving forward.
6197271
Okay, so I should have been more specific, though, to be fair, that Chimera was not any smarter than most of the other animals in Equestria I feel.
I should have said that pretty much all other societies I know of in MLP are comprised of prey animals. There are no dragon cities that we know of, there are hives of changelings, but they don't seem to care to trade or get along with other races at all, so diplomacy isn't a factor with them.
Sea serpents like Steven can mostly eat fish due to being in the ocean...though I do wonder on the intelligence of fish in this sometimes.
But really, the only predator society we have seen is the gryphon's. Well, canon-wise. I like to think changelings have a society, but at the same time I never considered them predators as they don't eat meat, they are more like parasites to me, like how leeches need blood, but don't really want their food source to die.
I really need to try more romance writing. I can do cute and teasing well I think, though I wonder. Did you not consider the scene in Hopes and Follies between Discord and Fluttershy at least slightly romantic? Or the scene at the end after Trixie became an alicorn? If not, what do you consider romance?
Not annoyed at your statement, just curious.
I shall, I am already working on the next chapter as there is a scene I am really interested in getting done.
6202536
Okay in the TV show yes that's true, in the comics not so much (which are considered semi-cannon) as in "Friends for ever" series Issue #14 we learn that Dragons that not all dragons live in caves. Some of them have settled in Fillydelphia and created their own community called dragon town. These dragon live amongst ponies.
I think the problem is more because of your other strengths The romance part looks bad while it's more average. In other words it's overshadowed by your other strengths making it appear to look bad. While I'm not a writer myself only a reader so I don't think I can say anything professionally. But I read over 300 books by now and I noticed when the author writes romance they usually go over the top.
A very good example is in your sequel "Backstage Reflections." Trixie frustrations are really well written and overshadows her lust parts with the illusion later on in the chapter. Which like I say are very good written and so far is the best thing you created in terms of romance it's still not par with the rest.
Also with romance between Discord and Fluttershy again the same problem occurs Discord fear of being alone again comes over stronger then the love he has for Fluttershy. Personally that's not a bad thing. Discord is indeed the character that's self centred. A character like Discord can only start a real romance when his full attention is focussed towards the object of his desire without any distractions such as fear. So don't chance it, the scene is just perfect.
I also still believe back when you wrote this chapter that it wasn't the shipping between those two but more the act of betrayal Discord did towards Trixie. Because the story wasn't finished back then it can hurt those whom read it. This actually a testimony how good you are as a writer, you let the reader invest in the main character so much that the act of betrayal comes out so hard. Because the story wasn't finished the readers simply assumed the worse and hit the dislike button. But now that the story is finished and they know how the story ends the reader no longer assumes. So how many dislikes have you gotten since you finished the story? When I look at the rating it's 180 likes and 11 Dislikes. That means 94% of your readers loved your story. And considering that it's over a hundred readers makes this an accurate reading.
So the real Elephant in the room. I will answer each question separately.
The answer is yes, I do find it romantic but as explained earlier the fear Discord has of being alone overshadows the concept of the idea for him living without Fluttershy.
And now the real thing Trixie and Twilight. For me it seems these two have more developed a crush about each other. A true romance is more then that. Right about now it's what these two are having is superficial. Kinda like "Flash" and "Twilight" have in the 1st movie only yours is better developed.
A real romance is the bonds they create with each other. Twilight and Trixie so far have to little time with each for the love to blossom. Neither of them were even sure about each other feelings to each other the 1st place. If I had to say the most dominant emotion for each of the 3 main characters then it was fear rather then love. Twilight fear of failing Celestia, Discord fear of being alone and Trixie fear of being forgotten.
Yes "Hopes And Fillies." could be more romantically written but it would weaken the story as whole. I think the current motivations portray their characters rather well.
So what can you do in your next story to make it more romantically?
1. Love is one of the strongest emotions so you need to go a bit over top.
"Twilight felt a warm body pressed next to hers shortly after. A few golden sparks hung in the air, tugging at something in Twilight's mind, but she couldn't focus well, not with Trixie's scent making her head feel fuzzy. " <- This is one of your strongest lines in "Hopes and Fillies" of expression of an emotion of love/lust/desire. If more of your chapter was written like this it would indeed be more romantic story. You need to add more Romance parts and lessen the rest in your story structure to make it feel more like a romance.
2. Trixie needs to be less self centred and a bit more concerned about Twilights feelings and desires then her own.
This is really hard thing to pull off without making a total 180 character flip. Trixie is a narcissistic character which actually makes her unique and stand out. It's her flaw that makes her a 3D character. So my advice is don't let her overcome this flaw but let her grow it into that she uses it to her advantage. Example Trixie would love to receive a lovely smile from twilight. She desires to receive that love so she wonders how she can get what she wants. She comes to the conclusion she needs to do something to make Twilight happy to receive what she desires. (This is a thought process of Narcissistic Character, a non Narcissistic character would just try to make someone happy in general such as Pinky Pie, Narcissistic character needs personal benefactions to start thinking about another being feelings.)
3. Let Trixie and Twilight interact without being rushed.
In other words let them have a conversations in peace. This wasn't possible in the previous story but if you would create a situation where the conversation just go into a relax pace without a deadline or timetable it would work wonders to deepen their bonds. In other words romance needs time to build up.
6203780
Heh, I wonder if that is now not canon as the show takes precedence over the comics. I mainly say that because in Princess Spike they they representatives from every city in Equestria, we even see a donkey and gryphon or two. But, no dragons. If they do have a town, I have to assume they are not well liked, and this is hinted at all the dragon sneeze trees around the embassy meet-up area.
As for everything else you put wrote, I have to agree with it. Its very well thought out and explained. I do plan to look copy some of this as reminders/notes for the sequel to Hopes and Follies.
I do have issues with over the top romance, at least writing it, I like more subtle. Teasing, jokes and innuendo, those kind of things. But, perhaps that's more lusty then love. Admittedly in both of my stories Trixie is meant to be slightly obsessed with the object of her desire. But, it's also subtle in a sense. Trixie still thinks about herself more than anyone else, but she goes through with crazy schemes to be with/prove herself to whom she desires. I suppose that would come out more if I, I don't know, had her and her object of affection meet for more than a few minutes at a time.
Once again, thanks for the detailed reply, I shall keep it in mind for my future plans.
6206744
Glad I could help. Two things though.
The dragons are more like the real worlds chinese creating communities such as China Town within a major Metropolis at least according what we can glimpse from out the comic. Fillydelphia is mainly populated by ponies so logically their representative would be a pony.
That can actually work but only if the characters are indeed on a fixed relation. But Trixie and Twilight are not. In a matter of fact usually romantic relations start with over the top and can then slowly evolve into the subtle, teasing, joking and innuendo. But I think it's also possible that it starts with just teasing and joking when the characters are both oblivious or unsure about their true feelings. In that regard you actually wrote it rather well in your stories. However when such characters realize their true feelings about each other the romance usually goes more and more to over the top as the spark ignites between them. And when the fire of love reaches it peak it slowly dies down back to where they started only now the bonds have been forged with each other. And thanks to those bonds the subtle, teasing, joking and innuendo things have more reason for each other and create more reaction to one other.
This is for me how a true romance/love works at least for me. And considering this, now your story actually make sense. Now I think of it. Twilight and Trixie are not yet in a romantic relationship but they are at the start of it.
Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser...
...wonder if that new alicorn is suppose to be Twilight or a vision of Trixie's future?
6283516
I'm pretty sure it's Celestia. Trixie is placing Celestia on a pedestal.
this reminds me of alien vs predator trixie is alien, the nation gryphus is the predator
Just an idea but mayhaps a friendly changeling to help her out. After all canvone really not like someone thats keeping them alive
Hmm, prey sometimes has a posionuos bite. Use posioned blades.
Prey has scales. Wear armor.
Prey can overpower predators. CRUSH THEM BENEATH YOUR HOOVES TRIXIE LUNAMOON!!