Awww... I was hoping there would be more than foreplay. I hope there will be more.

I want to see more of this.

5337999
5337983
Give me a week or two.

5338103 mkay.

The chapter title reminds me of the devil's trill
Great story

'Devil went down to Georgia' reference in title?

"Ffter he finished" Should be after.
"public hair" Obviously should be pubic hair. Other than that, good story. Most people are gonna be waitin for the next chapter.

5338534 Thanks! :D Fixed.

5338502 Nope. Not quite the genre.

This. I need more of this in my life.

Im really happy that i was your prereader you did great in you story till now

9/10 would clop to again

There's a whole lotta good stuff here, even if the story of human-meets-pony-and-then-fucks-her is a little cliche. The clop is nice, and the characters are decently consistent with their personalities and such. Nice to see plenty of little quirks between the two to keep things interesting.

My main gripe with it at the moment is the paragraph spacing. It helps a story's presentation when it varies the length of the paragraphs, be they twenty lines or just a few words.

While the long paragraphs you use are nice to have sometimes, shorter paragraphs places emphasis on certain lines, and can be used to great effect if used for lines that dramatically alter the scene. You use this well in certain places, for lines such as "A locked door to her room." but in others, you use long paragraphs that seem overly condensed and clumped together, sometimes to the point of making me want to skim it over rather than read closer into it.

For instance, I might place emphasis on a line like "STOP!" by making it it's own paragraph, rather than making it all-caps, bold and underlined all at once. It separates it from the rest of the text and makes it stand out without making the text look too garish and try-hard-ish.

A lot of writing guides will also state that as a rule, you should only have one speaker per paragraph, with the dialogue placed before any narration. Even then, it's nice to start new dialogue from the same character in a separate paragraph if there is a good amount of unquoted text between them.

Overall, you text reads fine as it is, and I love the quality of your writing, but i feel like it could be organized and formatted into smaller bite-sized chunks at times to make it easier to chew through. Just something I think you could work on. Nice work, otherwise!

Lastly, dat pic of Tavi in socks. Unf.

One of the few Human/Octavia stories, instant thumps up and fav!

5338502 Thats what i was thinking about during the music scene

At first I was sad, because I thought it was complete and had ended there. Then I was filled with so much joy!

So, James is German? Because the alcohol he drinks is a fig vodka made on the coast of the Baltic Sea.

Good lord... For a frist this was amazing! I just wish there was more... We don't get a lot of good Octavia fics and this is a good one. Wonderful work!

i like it

Dear Budget.

You...were....amazing. Oh by Celestias milky teat , this cannot, CANNOT, be your first piece of work my friend. You must have some kind of formal writing or one hell of an editing team because just...oooh I still have goose bumps. From your vivid descriptions of the musical performance, to that oh so spicy love scene, you have managed to hit all the right keys, and thusly not only receive a like, not only receive a spot in my Favorites list, but you got's yourself one more eye looking out for you. And if you ever need an editor ( not that I think you do) I'd be happy to help.

Yours Very Truly, The Cake Devil.

awesome job with the story I would love to see more from you. I love your word choices

Congratulations on posting your first story, seems like it's really a success too!

I look forward to reading more of your works when you release them.

5340050 He's not German, but he's familiar with the stuff.
...You mean you guys don't have Feigling in the states? That's a shame, that stuff's a pretty decent party liquor.

5339537 Thanks, I'll keep that stuff in mind. :)

Thanks for the positive feedback, everyone. I was hoping this would go over well but I didn't assume it would go over that well. Feeling pretty good about it, all things considered.

5340332
I don't know, but I've never heard of it.

But seriously, Fig Vodka?

budget_player_cadet you story is on the featured box already!

I look forward to seeing more of your story.

That's a story I'll follow with interest

Ok, this story is very well written. And it has some amazing detail. I absoltuely loved it. I felt like I was watching it, not reading it. Please for the love of Chrysalis write more

5340174 This work was pretty much by budget_player_cadet i preread the read the story and it was already very good i just had one doubt in the story

We need another chapter.

This was a great story. I couldn't find any major flaws in it, so I'm gonna go ahead and track it.

The world needs more HumanXOctavia shipping.

5340425
That's because it's human x pony romance/clop. It doesn't take much for it to get featured. Add to that the fact that it stars a rarely-used character (Octavia), and it's a recipe for feature box soufflé.

Basically, if it's shameless clop, it's a guaranteed feature.

Edit: All downvotes to this comment are [likely] from people who don't want to see the truth in my statement

I'm gonna be disappointed if i don't see more of this.

Poor James chloethedachshund.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/chloes-birthday-gifts-blue-balls.jpg

That was so hot.

5341587
Dear Guardian.

I know right?! And is it just me, or have you gained a few more friends since last we met? Am I to expect your picture to be full when next we cross paths?

Sincerely Yours, The Cake Devil.

5341628

Who are you and when did we last "meet"?

And I guess 100+ followers counts as quite a few friends then.

5341639

Oh um...no one special.*Weeps Silently into his pillow.*

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/416/674/493.jpg

5341657

I was already noticed by senpai

5341546 You are wonderful. <3

Meanwhile Vinyl is clopping in the corner.

"Shameless Human/Octavia shipping. "

We need more Human/Octavia shipping. Especially the shameless kind.

5342048 DO YOU THINK I FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS?!

DO YOU?!

I don't. :P No shame involved.

+1

/drunk

It's funny cuz drunken sex is, by definition, not consensual...

Finally forced myself to read this story, and...

I wasn't totally impressed. Noticed a few grammatical errors, namely the use of parentheses --generally frowned upon in fiction-- as well as a few hiccups with the use of italics, the use of strikethroughs and bold typeface (not used in published* works). Description and charecterization were okay, but the romance and intimacy came out of left (or right) field. Some more build-up to it would have been better, especially since you plan to make it a multi-chapter story.

(*"Published" means books written and sold by paid authors/writers)

As I stated to someone else in a previous comment, agreeing with the "shameless" part of the description, this is merely clop/romance with a bit (read: not much) of story thrown in to make it presentable. This is just my personal opinion, based solely on what I've seen on this site in my 2-year "tenure" here, and as such, I've grown to notice that a majority of readers of the human x pony clop/romance genre are just there to read about a human having sex with their favorite pony.

Overall, I'd rate this story at 5/10, as I feel that you could have capitalized on building a bit more character for James, and developed the relationship more slowly instead of just jumping into it. The grammatical issues are things that I find to be detracting from my personal immersion in the story, so that's merely superficial.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck with the story, and you've given me some "food for thought" in regards to my own human x Octavia story, which has been on hold since January of last year. Unfortunately, after reading this story, I know that mine should never see the light of day.

Great story, especially for your first! Can't wait to see the next chapter.

First attempt at any fanfiction?! Shit, that's amazing! Pump out stories like this regularly, and you'll be the next TittySparkles!

Minus the great name, of course.

5342159
Well shit. I've been raped!

A good dozen times!

And I enjoyed it!

5342997
Ooooh if only I was so prolific.

OMG this was so freaking hot! i can't believe this is your first fic. perfectly written and definitely created a very clear image. You put Mithril moths "getting some tail" to shame! PLEASE WRITE MORE!!!!!! you need to finish this story! normally i hate human/pony shipping but this was so well done that i loved it!

It was great. I liked the way you build it up, your descriptions of the settings and of course, the final peak into the drunk handjob. Pretty great 7/10 would clop 10/10 would read

I'm finding it hard to complain about the story. This is unusual, as I almost always have a gripe.

4.8/5, for just being too good for me to critique effectively. If you'll excuse me, I need to find a change of pants.

This was DAMN good. I don't know if you're familiar with Your Human and You, or MadMax's other clop stories, but this reminded me a lot of his style, and that's high praise.

I particularly liked the line about drool escaping her mouth; those sort of signs of pleasure, along with eyes rolling back, etc. make for good detailing.

Looking forward to the next chapter!