Cheese Sandwich Reviews Stuff

by scoots2

Cheese Sandwich Reviews Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks: The Mane Event, and the Daring Do novels

I’m the last pony I’d ever have picked to be a book reviewer. For one thing, I don’t know many journalists, and I can’t stand the only one I do know. For another, I don’t do a lot of reading. It’s not that I can’t read; I just don’t trust books. Books are not a party pony’s friends. When The Great Ponyacci yanks you aside and says “listen, sonny, I’m gonna show you something,” he doesn’t have to add, “and don’t tell anypony, and for Celestia’s sake, don’t write it down.”

But Pinkie sent me a book last June for some reason or other, and Boneless 2 and I read it and then sat down and wrote a review. Then I edited it a bit by crossing out all the parts where I gushed about Pinkie, note to self, don’t do that this time, removing some unnecessary stuff, and I sent it to Pinkie, just for laughs.

Well, the next time I was in Ponyville, I went to Sugarcube Corner after closing, hoping maybe Pinkie had a little free time, and Pinkie ran straight to me and kissed me, oh wow, I still can’t believe that’s a thing that happens, and then I realized we had an audience, including Princess Just Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and about a hundred fillies staring at us with gigantic eyes. “Um, hi?” I said.

“Heya, Cheesie!” Pinkie said. “You’re here at the perfect time! Your review got printed in the paper! See?” She trotted over to a table, picked a newspaper carefully folded to a specific article, and brought it over to me. I spread it out on the floor and read it. To my horror, all the stuff I’d scratched out had been put back in.

“Yep!” said one of the fillies, a smart little thing with a big red hair bow. “We left in all the funny bits!”

I cringed. “Just how many ponies have read this?”

“Just about everypony,” said one of the other fillies. “Pretty awesome, huh?”

I looked up at them. Now that the initial shock had worn off, I realized that it wasn’t hundreds of fillies, just three, and that I knew them: Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. On the other hoof, Scootaloo had just said “almost everypony” had read it, including my gushing about Pinkie. Pretty humiliating, but it was too late to get the spray cheese back in the can now, so I simply asked, “Did you like it?”

Princess Twilight rubbed her chin with her hoof. “Well,” she mused, “it did provide an overview, but it left out some important details and showed some marked authorial bias towards . . .”

“It was awesomely fantastically terrific!” said Pinkie, bouncing across to me and flinging her front legs around my neck. “I loved how you talked about all the party pony stuff!”

“And everypony at school liked it, too!” squeaked Sweetie Belle, racing over and running in a circle around us. “I liked the funny bits. I thought they were cute.”

“And you left out all the boring parts, so we knew which parts to skip!” agreed Scootaloo, joining her friend in her orbit.

“Which is something I always want in a book review,” Rainbow Dash pointed out. “I mean, I’m not going to waste my time reading boring stuff.”

Twilight Sparkle gasped. “A reviewer can’t do that!” she insisted. “There’s no such thing as the boring parts of a book! And anyway, how can you get a real idea of a book’s value if you don’t even read the whole—”

Apple Bloom walked over. She didn’t race around like the other two; she just looked straight up at me. “Which is why,” she said, “we want you to write some more. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are the Cutie Mark Crusader Entertainment Editors now and we’re lookin’ for new material for the Foal Free Press, and funny, un-boring book reviews are just the kind of thing we want.” She walked up even closer until she was practically nose-to-nose with me, or would have been if she wasn’t so short.

“Uh-huh,” I said, dropping my head down to her level. “And since it’s the Foal FREE Press, I’m guessing I’ll get paid in . . .”

“The innocent laughter of little fillies and colts,” Apple Bloom said firmly, her eyes meeting mine with an unwavering stare.

Beside me, Sweetie Belle skidded to a halt. “I thought the ‘Foal Free Press' meant Miss Cheerilee lets us publish what we want, and didn’t Featherweight start charging a subscription fee?”

“Shh!” hissed Apple Bloom.

Well, I shouldn’t have done it, but the fillies drove a hard bargain, and besides, Pinkie still had her front leg draped around my neck and she was smelling like cake frosting and it was making me distracted. I agreed that yes, if they sent me a book, I would write a review for the Foal Free Press and they all bounced up and down and Pinkie brought out some cupcakes and we all had some, and I forgot about it. I was counting on them forgetting about it, too, but they didn’t. And that brings me up to this morning.

~~

---

I had just gotten up and was trying to put together some breakfast, because Boneless Two is even more hopeless at cooking than I am. We were getting low on supplies. There was cold cereal, which would have been more appetizing if we hadn’t had cold cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last two days. I thought about pouring some coffee on it, just to make it a bit more interesting, and warmer, too. Autumn had set in in earnest now. Thick layers of orange, red, and yellow leaves blanketed the ground, and it was so cold here in the foothills of the Unicorn range that we could see our breath in front of our faces, or at least, I could. I was looking forward to getting the fire going and taking off some of the chill.

I hadn’t seen Pinkie since midsummer. Cheesy Sense had batted me around like a ping pony ball all over Equestria for months, with almost no down time between parties, and I was running out of steam and out of magic. I’d begun to think that maybe I’d been kidding myself all along, and that the real reason I kept going back to Ponyville was simply that I love Pinkie and miss her a lot, but I really do run low on magic. I can only headline so many parties and cheer up so many ponies and show them pure Joy for so long on my own, and when there’s too much going on and too many parties back to back and too many ponies who are too unhappy for too long, I start to feel tired and run down. I need to see Pinkie’s smile to remind me why I do this and why it’s important. And that’s when I know it’s time to go home.

I found myself just sitting there, staring into the flames, sipping coffee, and waiting for something to happen, when I heard a metallic noise next to me. I turned to see a mailbox door flapping open and shut—not the mailbox, just the door. A pink hoof and foreleg protruded from it, threw a box through it, waved, and disappeared. At the same time, I heard something blundering through the trees. I got to my feet, put Boneless Two behind me, just in case, and turned to face whatever it was, bracing myself to fight it or run from it or whatever I had to do.

Something in a blue suit staggered into my campsite on its hind legs, muttering, “what now? And Grandma said there were good jobs at the post office!” Then it stopped dead, took one look at me, dropped its bag, and screamed. I know Boneless Two and I look kind of scruffy when we’ve been out on the road for a while, but I still think that was rude.

Meanwhile, I was trying to think where I’d seen things like him before, and then I remembered. I’d seen a whole lot of his species when Pinkie pulled me through a portal so we could clear up a problem for another Pinkie and Cheese. That world was full of things that looked just like this one. In fact, I’d even kissed one on the nose, which was kind of gross, but the look on his face was totally worth it.

I decided to lighten the mood. I pulled my serape up over my nose, pushed my black hat down over my eyes, and gritted out, “Out here in the San Palomino, nopony can hear you scream.”

In retrospect, this wasn’t a good idea, because he just screamed some more. I pulled the serape back down. “Oh, for pony’s sake, we’re not even anywhere near the San Palomino! Calm down. I’m not going to eat you.” I trotted back to the fire and sat down.

He held his front feet in front of his face. “All I had to do was deliver the mail!” he wailed.

“Well, go ahead,” I said. “Deliver it.”

He rubbed his eyes. I was still there when he opened them again. “Oh, heh, heh. This is like that show from when I was a kid, right? Say, couldja just say ‘Wilbur?’”

I sighed. If this was what it took to get my mail, I’d have to humor him. “Wilbur,” I said.

“Couldja give it a little more ‘rrr’ on the ‘r?’” he said, holding two parts of one hoof a little way apart.

“Wilburrrr.”

“Ok,” he said, wiping his hooves on his pants. “Couldja say, ‘I am Mr. Ed?’”

“No!” I snapped. “Just give me the mail!” He was beginning to look alarmed again, so I added, “And pour yourself some coffee, too. You still look nervous.”

He came closer and sat by the fire, carefully placing his bag down by his side, and poured himself some coffee. “Thanks,” he said. “It’s been a tough morning.”

“I can tell, Mr., um . . .”

“McFeely,” he said. “Speedy McFeely.”

“Cheese Sandwich,” I said, holding up one hoof to shake his.

He stared at me over the rim of his coffee mug. “Cheese Sandwich? Is that a joke?”

“Is ‘Speedy McFeely’ a joke?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

He placed the coffee cup down and rummaged in the bag for a moment. “Here,” he said, giving me a package. “Sorry about screaming like that. Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, this is the part of the dream where I find all the Easter eggs.” He wandered off among the trees. I figured he’d have to come back sooner or later and that he couldn’t get too lost, so I turned my attention to the package.

It was wrapped in brown paper, and an envelope with “Cheese Sandwich” was tucked under the strings. I put the envelope to one side and ripped the brown paper off the package. I couldn’t understand why Pinkie had tied the strings so tight. Usually only a unicorn would knot string that tightly. Finally I pulled the paper off and a brightly colored book slid out, with Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks: The Mane Event on the front cover. I flipped it open and read: “Heya Cheesie toldja you should of been here when something exciting was going on lol,” in pink glittery writing.

I already had the uneasy feeling that this package wasn’t meant for me at all, and then I noticed that the full mailing address had “Cheese Sandwich, Pranceton University” on it. I put the envelope to one side, because I knew me liked my privacy and wouldn’t want me reading my mail, although something addressed to Pinkie would have been even worse because mushy stuff creeps in no matter what I do. I wasn’t sure if I should read the book, either, but it was a book, and I was a book reviewer now, right?

The first, most obvious thing was that a lot had been going on that Pinkie Pie hadn’t told me about, and if the other Pinkie Pie hadn’t already told the other Cheese Sandwich about it, he was going to be very worried. The second was that I was bored. I had Boneless Two skim ahead to see if there was anything interesting I was missing, and he was bored, too. It was too bad, because I could tell that the actual events were probably pretty interesting, but the way it was described was making me bored. And the Cutie Mark Entertainment Editors had asked me to tell them where the boring bits were, so I have to say that honestly, nearly the whole book is boring.

The book’s set at Canterlot High, which I’m not really familiar with, but if Pinkie and Applejack and Rainbow Dash are anything like the Pinkie and Applejack and Rainbow Dash I know, and they seem to be, something’s got to be wrong with the way Flash Sentry’s described as “handsome and dashing” on page 28. The Flash Sentry I know isn’t “handsome and dashing.” He’s more like what ponies back where I’m from would describe as a nebbish. A nice-looking nebbish, but he’s still a nebbish.

My Pinkie The Pinkie I know only appears on pages 69, 76, 80, 213, 214, and 215, so of course those are all interesting pages, but something’s gone wrong there, too. Pinkie’s a genius, and I’m not surprised that she understands the concept of how portals work so easily. Trust me—I have first hand knowledge of this. But I absolutely can’t see her asking, “what did you learn?” Party ponies don’t ask stuff like that. It makes me question the author’s sources.

I picked up a pencil and scribbled a note under the pink glitter. “Your mail pony took a wrong turn. I think this must be for you. Don’t worry too much about Pinkie. Whatever it is, she’s got this.” I turned the book a quarter of a turn and left a hoofprint so that it looked like a giant C, then whistled for Mr. McFeely. He re-appeared, hopping like a rabbit.

“I was hoping that if I acted like the Easter Bunny, I’d find some eggs,” he said ruefully, “but it didn’t work.”

“I think you’re only going to find what you’re looking for when you get home,” I explained, as nicely as I could. “Here. Take this, walk back in the direction you came from, and don’t think about anything too hard.”

He nodded, but he was still very shaken and unhappy. Something obviously had to be done, and I did it. I rocketed straight up in a cloud of confetti, crying, “I am Mister Ed!” and blowing on a party horn.

He smiled. “I knew it,” he said, and walked back the way he came.

I opened the second package. Inside it was a box like a golden treasure chest, with three books inside and a note from Pinkie.

Dear Cheesie:
These are the three new Daring Do books which we got a month early but you have to promise not to ask me about how, and Rainbow Dash says you have to write only fantabulously amazingtastic stuff about them or she’ll find all your hats and hide them up in some clouds somewhere, but no pressure.
XOXO, Pinkie

I must have been staring at the note for a while, especially the last bit, because Boneless Two gave me a kick in the ribs and I realized I still hadn’t looked at the books. I opened up the first one, Daring Do and the Marked Thief of Marapore, and hoped I wouldn’t have to worry about my hats.

I had to light up some lanterns after a while, because the firelight was too dim to read by, and then I just kept going with the next one. Just before sunrise, I’d finished the last book.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

They’re awesome. They are totally, utterly awesometastic. I mean, obviously they would be more awesome if there was more Pinkie in them, but otherwise I wouldn’t change a single thing.

I’m not much of a reader, as I’ve mentioned, and I’ve always avoided the A.K. Yearling books anyway because of the hype. I may have been wasting my life. These books have everything: erupting volcanoes, ancient relics, prophecies, fights, petnappings! Something new is happening on practically every page. The author even makes library searches cool. There’s just something about them. Something almost real.

And there are all these places I’ve never even heard of before: Ponypeii, and the Isles of Scaly, which have five different dragon tribes, and the legendary lost city of Cirrostrata, somewhere high above the Unicorn Range. The Unicorn Range! I was there now. For a moment, I was tempted just to keep going. I’d only ever felt that ripping sensation once before: an agonizing pull to give parties wherever I was called and to stay out on the open road, and an opposite, agonizing pull to go back to Ponyville. This time, I knew what was happening, and I knew what I had to do. I wasn’t going to fight anything anymore. Still, all these places had to have parties, right? And someday, I’m sure Cheesy Sense will hit, and I’ll be off to Scaly and Alto Terra and maybe even the Forbidden City of Cirrostrata itself. And maybe, just maybe, this time there will be two party ponies instead of one, and those places will see parties like they’ve never known.

It’ll happen. I know it’s got to happen. And when it does, swear on Camembert, it’ll be epic.

Anyway, by the end of the last book, Daring Do and the Forbidden City of Clouds, Daring had the opportunity to go on a quest for twenty-two relics, most of which she’d never seen, and I reached for the next book and realized there wasn’t one. I was about ready to scream. How could there not be another book? I actually wanted another book. I couldn’t believe myself. I looked back at the inside of the book and I noticed that there were seven books before this one. Probably Princess Just Twilight had copies, and if she didn’t, Rainbow Dash probably did, and I was going to borrow them and read them all, by Gouda. And maybe by that time, when I’d caught up, there would be more.

I put the last book aside and—

That was a doozy. That was a real doozy of a doozy. It knocked me right onto my back. This party’s going to be huge, I can tell. And it’s going to be . . .?

I felt my right hind leg kick helplessly into the air, propelling my body backwards through the carpet of leaves. Please be Ponyville. Please be Ponyville.

Canterlot. Well, at least Ponyville’s not too far from Canterlot. In fact, I should probably stop there on the way if the Cheesy Sense lets me, because I won’t have the strength to—

—it’s not going to let me. It’s going to have to be enough that I’m heading for somewhere near Pinkie, and that maybe she’ll be there when I get there. And even that thought is enough to make me smile. I roll onto my chest, rise to my feet and turn towards the east, where the sky is flooding with pink: east towards Canterlot, east towards Ponyville, east towards Laughter Herself.

Author's Note:

This story falls just after Say Goodnight, Pinkie,, and leads into the next story, Command Performance. Princess Celestia asked Cheese to help plan the anniversary of the founding of Equestria and the beginning of the reign of the two sisters, but he seems to have forgotten about this. EG Cheese, from The Looking Glass World of Cheese and Pie, has moved on to Pranceton University by now.

"Princess Just Twilight" is something I borrowed from FanOfMostEverything and his story Mandatory Fun. It is exactly the kind of thing Cheese would say.

"Mr. McFeely" is the name of the mailman on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. "Speedy delivery!"

And what Mr. McFeely is hoping and expecting to see must be something like this:

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Princess Just Twilight

I love it when I inspire people, even when it's the little things.

"Twenty-two relics"? An unusual number. My mind immediately goes to the Major Arcana of the Tarot...

In any case, I'm quite glad to see that this passed moderation. Great way to bridge the different stories in this continuity. I'm definitely looking forward to more.

Also, Pinkie really needs to stop poking holes in spacetime. That way lies Celestia fighting her evil counterpart from another parallel dimension.

[Derpator]

Well, that's something. A lot of weaving across stories and headcanon and stuff, but it's all wound up in a little knot for some amazing Cheesiness.

That's pretty darn good. I shall await the continuation.

Boneless Two should get his own spin-off. Who knows what that chicken's thinking? Except Cheese and Pinkie of course.

[Summer Dancer]

I decided to lighten the mood. I pulled my serape up over my nose, pushed my black hat down over my eyes, and gritted out, “Out here in the San Palomino, nopony can hear you scream.”
In retrospect, this wasn’t a good idea, because he just screamed some more.

LOL!!!

Can't wait to see what comes next!

[Drifting Heart]

Alright who downvoted this? Scoots is like a genius her stories are flawless now I say MOAR! The way you write Cheese is pretty much how I picture him and hes funny in my head since he is a funny guy.

[Walabio]

> “And that’s when I know it’s time to go home.”

¡Daw! He thinks about Ponyville as home because Pinkie lives there.

I love the references to Mister Roger’s Neigh-Borhood, Rainbow Rocks, and The Looking Glass World of Cheese and Pie.

[scoots2]

Thanks, guys!

5151999 Thanks! Yeah, I've given a lot of thought to the party pony headcanon. Basically, they have to give everything freely and be entirely open-hooved. I guess if you can pull anything from hammerspace, you'd have to be the kind of pony who didn't care about keeping things for yourself. I always picture Equestria's party ponies as something like a tiny group of free-roaming wizards, only with no councils and a lot more cake.
5152037 You're welcome! Mandatory Fun is a work of startling genius. Oh, I didn't think of the major arcana! The Daring Do books really are good, though. I'm glad it passed moderation, too. The next one is going to be fun, I can tell.
5152192 I'm glad you like it. I think even Cheese finds Boneless Two a mystery--or maybe he just thinks that with two guys on the road, you don't want to go butting in and asking a lot of questions. Pinkie, of course, knows everything she needs to know.
5152825 Glad you liked it! It was fun to write.
5153014 Aw, thanks. Yeah, I try not to think about that. It could be the story or the character or the implied CheesePie or I ticked someone off--which is entirely possible--or someone was just having a bad day. It's not worth trying to figure it out.
5153116 Exactly. I think really he thinks of Pinkie herself as "home." And I like putting things in where Cheese isn't exactly aware of how much he's giving away about himself.

[Drifting Heart]

5153564
Yes ma'am and you're welcome.

[Cartoon Crazy]

Once again, you awe me with your fantastical awesomeness. I absolutely adore Cheese, the way you portray him (especially his love for Pinkie) and I love how well you write! (There's a lot of stories on this site where you start thinking that a two year old might have actually written it. Then there's fantastically brilliant stories where you can barely find any spelling mistakes. But with your story, I have never ever found a single one and it really confuses me because humans aren't normally that perfect (and I feel the need to say "no homo" right about now))

I love Cheese reviewing these books, it's amazing and funny and sweet and I keep burying my face in my pillow because I can't take all these CheesePie feels!

5153116 Home is where the heart is.

[BouncyBerry]

Whuiiii, that was fun
I can imagine how much Cheesy wants to read the new Daring Do Books.. it's how I always feel when I am waiting for a new chapter of my favorite stories
Uhh... good job

[MintyJoy]

To my horror, all the stuff I’d scratched out had been put back in.

I felt bad when I saw this. Poor Cheesie, his private adorable comments posted for all to see in Ponyville. Oh well, he seems okay with it now.

[OneFluzzyPuppy]

[I mean, obviously they would be more awesome if there was more Pinkie in them

Everythingis more awesome with Pinkie.