Hello, my name is Nick. With me are my, currently, two best friends in the world. Rescently, all three of us were sent to this place called Equestria. That would cool, if the wasn't a place were all the males were slaves. This is our story.
So I am enjoying the story so far. However, during this chapter near the end when the arrow was against Twilight's head, what were her friends doing? I know they wouldn't exactly try to jump in due to the danger of the arrow shooting but we didn't get any kind of facetime of the 5 plus the guards when it happened so it makes the scene a little less... impactful.
I wonder if he knows about how I know that this is all a fan fiction written by a terrible writer? Ehh, most likely not.
I've always hated the thought of breaking the fourth wall in real life. I think that the realization that my life is a comic book would snap my sanity in half. Is it just me who's scared of that?
Anyway, very interested in the world you've created.
5179736 I am working on the next chapter, however I've had school all this week and homework I had to do over the computer. Top that off with only being able to get on it near nighttime and not being able to stay up all night, well yeah. But don't worry, the weekend starts tomorrow and I plan to get as much done as I can. The major thing I'm having trouble with is creating my version of a male slavery Equestria that make sense, without just over doing it. That and making my OC stallion character interesting and giving him an important role in the story.
"Naturally, me and Ray's reactions were exceedingly skeptical. I mean really, a species of human-horses? That sounded like we were sent to a furries equivalent of heaven. " lol this joke cracked me up GG
Great story, I hope you continue it, It has allot of potential to become one amazing story , maybe up there with Across and Arrow or Past Sins(very well written stories in my personal opinion,)
5241985 Don't worry, I plan to continue it. However, if you have ever tried to update three stories that people are looking forward to, you know how it can be. Especially with school.
You are somewhat forgiven for what we will refer to as 'the chapter one incident'
Unfortunately, at this point I've put off reading this chapter for so long that I've already come up with a million ideas of how this story could play out. Still. Maybe you could do better. This was certainly an improvement.
Oh yeah, and in the next chapter could you tone down either the whole 'merry band of thieves' characterisation, or the weird, rapey intensely disturbing Django Unchained-style shit. It's not that I have anything wrong with either, but similar to Jerry Peet's comment on the last chapter, it feels like you're trying to tell two stories. The jolly boys adventure, in which our skilled and quick-witted heroes fight the forces of injustice, for the good of pony kind! And the dark fic in which our heroes aids the toppling of this reign of terror, freeing the men, and starting a violent uprising which threatens to tear Eauestria apart. I could see either happening, although I'd rather one than the other, but to do both just takes me out of the story, as it makes neither seem quite believable
5245164 I see what you're saying and I thank you for your input. To tell the truth, the way I'm thinking this will go, I think it will lean more towards option 1.
Good news everyone, I just finished the next chapter. All I have to do now is wait for it to be proofread, see if I need to change anything else, and it will be up.
Well it's a good thing I decided to power through Chapter One. This is much better.
Although the implications that the ponies are (Like in everything ever) mentally challenged is still amazing.
>Attacking a person of a different species just because they believe it's a male >Attempting to attack again a person of a different species just to identify if it's a male >Attempting to capture and interrogate a person of a different species because it's a male
Do these ponies not understand how diplomatic incidents occur?
If the United States as a whole was a part of this world you can be damn sure people would not take kindly to one of their citizens being attacked like that with no provocation. And since Ponies are brain damaged you can be sure it would escalate to war. With the ponies losing. Because, you know, species-wide down syndrome.
I really just want an entire chapter on Twilight and the rest of the ponies having a mental breakdown upon learning that on Earth, males are not rare and they are treated as equally as women. And that also they have the technology and man/womenpower to eradicate them. Without magic.
I just want one pony to have an aneurism upon learning they're not top shit. Please let this happen.
More please :)
So I am enjoying the story so far. However, during this chapter near the end when the arrow was against Twilight's head, what were her friends doing? I know they wouldn't exactly try to jump in due to the danger of the arrow shooting but we didn't get any kind of facetime of the 5 plus the guards when it happened so it makes the scene a little less... impactful.
I've always hated the thought of breaking the fourth wall in real life. I think that the realization that my life is a comic book would snap my sanity in half. Is it just me who's scared of that?
Anyway, very interested in the world you've created.
5162228 Got it, I'll fix that later. Thanks for pointing it out.
5162228 And done.
5161680 Do not worry my loyal fan, more shall come soon.
Great plot and even better execution, you my friend have my attention.
Ohh.....Low stallion...I can't wait to see the rest of chap.
This is gonna be good.
I laugh...
lolololololol for dat last line. The rest is DIE FEMALES!!!!
I am liekin dis very much. Plz dun think of me as sexist. These females are just assholes.
5162301 Eh, my sanity's already in pieces.
God I hate sexism! But that is a good thing you made me feel that way in your story.
Way to go this was great good job at pulling this together. Still plenty of screws to tighten but you will get there. Keep it up!
more More MOAR
more More MOAR
5177747 Already working on the next chapter.
5178208 yay
5178208 yay
Need MORE NOW
5179736 I am working on the next chapter, however I've had school all this week and homework I had to do over the computer. Top that off with only being able to get on it near nighttime and not being able to stay up all night, well yeah. But don't worry, the weekend starts tomorrow and I plan to get as much done as I can. The major thing I'm having trouble with is creating my version of a male slavery Equestria that make sense, without just over doing it. That and making my OC stallion character interesting and giving him an important role in the story.
5186648 Define tedious.
Well that's one way to fix it.
Don't worry about the deleted chapter, working on fixing it along with the previous one.
"Naturally, me and Ray's reactions were exceedingly skeptical. I mean really, a species of human-horses? That sounded like we were sent to a furries equivalent of heaven. "
lol this joke cracked me up GG
Great story, I hope you continue it, It has allot of potential to become one amazing story , maybe up there with Across and Arrow or Past Sins(very well written stories in my personal opinion,)
5241985 Don't worry, I plan to continue it. However, if you have ever tried to update three stories that people are looking forward to, you know how it can be. Especially with school.
You are somewhat forgiven for what we will refer to as 'the chapter one incident'
Unfortunately, at this point I've put off reading this chapter for so long that I've already come up with a million ideas of how this story could play out. Still. Maybe you could do better. This was certainly an improvement.
Oh yeah, and in the next chapter could you tone down either the whole 'merry band of thieves' characterisation, or the weird, rapey intensely disturbing Django Unchained-style shit. It's not that I have anything wrong with either, but similar to Jerry Peet's comment on the last chapter, it feels like you're trying to tell two stories. The jolly boys adventure, in which our skilled and quick-witted heroes fight the forces of injustice, for the good of pony kind! And the dark fic in which our heroes aids the toppling of this reign of terror, freeing the men, and starting a violent uprising which threatens to tear Eauestria apart. I could see either happening, although I'd rather one than the other, but to do both just takes me out of the story, as it makes neither seem quite believable
5245164 I see what you're saying and I thank you for your input. To tell the truth, the way I'm thinking this will go, I think it will lean more towards option 1.
Good news everyone, I just finished the next chapter. All I have to do now is wait for it to be proofread, see if I need to change anything else, and it will be up.
Well it's a good thing I decided to power through Chapter One. This is much better.
Although the implications that the ponies are (Like in everything ever) mentally challenged is still amazing.
>Attacking a person of a different species just because they believe it's a male
>Attempting to attack again a person of a different species just to identify if it's a male
>Attempting to capture and interrogate a person of a different species because it's a male
Do these ponies not understand how diplomatic incidents occur?
If the United States as a whole was a part of this world you can be damn sure people would not take kindly to one of their citizens being attacked like that with no provocation. And since Ponies are brain damaged you can be sure it would escalate to war. With the ponies losing. Because, you know, species-wide down syndrome.
I really just want an entire chapter on Twilight and the rest of the ponies having a mental breakdown upon learning that on Earth, males are not rare and they are treated as equally as women. And that also they have the technology and man/womenpower to eradicate them. Without magic.
I just want one pony to have an aneurism upon learning they're not top shit. Please let this happen.
5324934 I agree with everything you have said!
you should edit that out
Complete weaklings and a complete moron too boot. Idiot, no way in hell am I still reading this.
Read this but think of them having a Jamaican accent too. Its hilarious!