- Member Since 6th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen 56 minutes ago
DontFearTheSuperman
Still a monster...but less of a bastard. Wish Superman was real so I could get a hug.
DontFearTheSuperman
Joined 6th Sep, 2014 ·
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5128227 I don't plan to cancel it. Thank you saying that, that means I'm doing a good job. Also, I will take any tips you can give me. Unfortunately I can't release it until I write the next chapter, since it won't pass moderation unless I add in any MLP characters.
5129691 If you really wanna know, basically I show who grunted, display the capabilities of Mike's power, have them meet the Mane Six, almost get raped and seduced, and then running to meet. Vague enough to cause intrigue but still information.
5129738 Sorry, I'm hoping this weekend but it all depends. I'm not going to write more tonight, mainly because, I do feel sort of sleepy, and I notice I write worse when I sleep. I do hope you can forgive me for the spoilers.
5129793 That would mean today, where I am. So maybe. I think may read one more chapter of a story I'm reading and go to sleep. Goodnight if I do.
5129793 Hey man. Listen, I've decided to not put as much stuff in this next chapter as I said I would and save most parts until the next chapters. Sorry if I'm being wishy washy, but I really want to get this story our before tomorrow. I'm almost done so don't worry. Hopefully this time I'll pass moderation.
5133605
Great!
Be sure to delete this comment string of ours, though. It'd be awkward for reraders to see this conversation.
5134179 Whoops
That said, a bunch of deleted comments looks far worse.
Next chapter: Mane6 dies.
this is getting interesting, hope to see more soon!
Just by reading the summary, this is sounding eerily familiar...
*Reads story*
And never mind.
First problem: The summary is the only thing that in any way shows the plot. There's 10,000 words here, and NONE of it is in any way devoted to the story. Instead we've got some very very VERY dragged out meandering around while the two/three HiE characters stand around sharing fanboy banter.
Second problem: A good premise is being overshadowed by a bad premise. This line drops...
And the reader knows the kind of story they're in for. This is trying to give context without actually giving context. Somewhat hammered in by the linking of Elder Scrolls wiki pages. Trying to give the audience a visual cue, without actually having to paint a picture with words. It's lazy is what it is. Describing the name and franchise origin of a character's weapon is like saying your OC is wielding a Keyblade or a Lightsaber. Simply "A bow" or "A bow of hearty wood" would have been far more subtle and be kind of a wink wink nudge nudge to anyone who get's the joke.
It's a fanboy adventure is what it is. A massively multiplayer crossover. Fine on it's own, but read your own description.
That premise can carry a story on it's own given enough effort and imagination. I'm just curious. Considering how poor the references are so far... how many times in the next few chapters are we going to see the phrase "It was like Fall of Equestria, only reversed!"
You're about to tell two separate stories crossing over and that is a terrible idea. Tell one story establishing this weird mashup of BioWare, Bethesda and Blizzard. Tell another story establishing this Gender Swapped Fall of Equestria, then cross the two over for a third once your viewers have proper context. Because right now you have to establish two different worlds in one story and both could fill a story on their own before you do that.
Most importantly, doing each one separately gives you an opportunity to grow and develop your new characters in a controlled environment so when it comes time for the crossover, people know who the characters are and how they interact. Because 5,000 words of "I like video games! They are my powers!" is not character design. This idea needs proper exercise before you try this.
5134461
Man, don't try. He don't gonna listen. He can't listen.
wooohooo liking the story so far. can't wait for the next chapter.
5134461 Man just because it doesn't show the what the summary was talking about right away doesn't mean i won't show it later. I get what your saying, and yes i admit i was lazy with details, and will try to rectify that in the future. However, i plan to keep the story the way it is and keep the plot moving the way i see fit. I thank you for all of your support however, and hope that you can give me more tips in the future.
5135530 Also, i'm not just going to kill off the mane six in the next chapter. In fact the main characters are going to kill little to no one in this story. And I'll have you know, i actually did have Lord Uberdeathninja review this story before i submitted it.
5137150
Well, looks like we have hope, this guy decided to grow up.
5137281 They will get their asses kicked though and be very 'forward' about sex if you know what I mean.
Update please :)
5137472 I will, later though since school for me starts tomorrow.
5137281 And if by 'grow up' you mean I decided to actually try with this story, but already have ideas where the ponies will die in horrible ways in mind, and still hate MLP with a burning passion, then yeah, I grew up.
5137668 so is spike still twilights assistant, he was already unquestioning to twilight, also what about shinning armour, he's married to the princess of love that means all forms of kinks, fetishes, and horrible bdsm.
5137979 We shall see.
i gotta say this fic has potential PO.TEN.TIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am greatly curious. I would like to see more.
5138468 I agree.
To the author; I believe you should get an editor or at least replace most of your of's with have's because it seems like you replaced all your have's with of's
This is great so far will there be more soon
a little confusing but very good. have a
alright keep it coming.
Dude, this is probably one of the best fics i have ever read. Keep the updates coming, that is, if you don't mind...
Ok, let me see, advice...
Firstly, ditch all the video game references and nerd stuff, or at least tone it down a bit. It sounds corny to read, and it overshadows the more important details.
Also, I would consider editing down the characters a bit. They don't seem to have very well-rounded personalities. The back stories are very basic, and the characters all seem larger than life, almost like characters from a action movie? Also, I find Mike very very very confusing. I hope we get some explanation of him later on.
I don't know your background, but Ray's story sounded the teensiest bit racist. Just something you might want to watch out for.
Finally, slow down! Stuff doesn't need to happen all at once. Elaborate, have some dialogue, describe the scenery. If you're throwing characters into a thing, then the plot can probably wait a few chapters.
Overall, this chapter disappointed me. The characters seemed fake and the plot seemed rushed. However, I love the concept , and from reading the story description, I can tell you've got some really intricate, well thought-out ideas up there, and I hope you put them to good use. And if you don't... well, maybe I'll borrow this concept from you and finally write that first story I've been meaning to for so long
Good luck. You're going to need it
I'm inda scared. Scratch that, I'm bloody terrified of where this might go next.
That Jerry Peet's one clever chappie, you really should listen to everything he said. Cause' right now this story could go one of two ways. I could like it or dislike it. It's up to you...
And please please please rewrite the intro. It SUCKS.
FUCK I HATE CLIFF HANGERS!!!
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I like it
My first thought was 'Punch mountain, break mountain' not the most articulate thought I've had.
5140450 What exactly sucks about it?
5140450 Also, one of the major reasons why I did what I did with the armor and weapons is because, I suck at descriptions. I primarily made Ray the way I did is because, I needed a way to give her prior combat experience, while also giving a reason why she would not like to kill things. Plus, even if I didn't use the armor and weapons that I did, I would probably still use them, just talk about them in a different way. This is most likely just an excuse however, so keep the advice coming. Please.
5134461 Ok, I re-read your comment, and I think I see what your getting at. I may in fact do that, I'll just have to rearrange some things first. Thanks.
5142169
... sooo... no fudge?
I'm sorry, but you could summon that descriptive spaghetti up by simply saying:
5134461 Do you wanna be my editor?
5142444 Done and thanks.
I'm basically imagining their weapons as dedric as those are the weapons with the closest match in my minds eye.
Say, does anyone know what ponies call Adam's Apples?
when do you think the latest update will drop
5154184 I actually have the chapter done. However, I want Jerry Peet to look it over before I publish it.
Good idea... poor execution. The first chapter at the very least needs a complete reworking so it isn't just an exposition dump on your inserts. Also the POV changes don't need the big title. Instead of telling us who's holding the reins, show us.
5156223 K thanks. I may change the intro latter. Maybe after I get farther in the story.
Never put these in your story, usually keep the POV changes to a minimum, it's very hard for readers to keep constantly switching perspectives.
If you're gonna change the POVs, do it every chapter.