Um.... It's not... BAD. Per say... It's just... Well half is copy pasted from the show and the rest just doesn't seem right. It's like... It's a little too fast. A lot too fast. Maybe if you slowed down a little and described more, maybe have them discuss it a little more even if it's still non consented it'll give a bit more oompf. It just seems to move WAY to fast in my view.

I laughed way to hard at the image at the end. Well done on that.

471023
thats what i thought too when i finished typing...
Not the copy and paste remark, but
i reread through it so i submitted it while make some longations you can say
Atm I'm planning on extending the details and
Again, I typed and drafted in two hours this story, its my style

471091 Well it's not bad by my standards. I just hate fics that end while I'm getting into them I still can't get over the pic at the end. I think I woke my dad up.

471105
I appreciate your comment though,
In my message box i got a lot of favorites but no comments lol

471117 well I love comments so I try and comment a lot Good luck in your further writing.

471121
good luck to you too my friend
twentypercentcooler.net/data/3d/f0/3df0ea2fbb8a7f2c4bce47df9fe11160.png?1313055284

Nothing like a good ol' Flutterrape to brighten the mood! Good job you messed up son of a biscuit!

471151
img717.imageshack.us/img717/4814/awesomepony.png

I would post a "WTF Did I Just Read!?" gif picture, but I already know the answer,
A pretty hilarious, laughing boner-inducing (to me) clopfic!
Truthfully, I have no idea why I laugh at clopfics sometimes
So take this thumb, matter of fact take this hoof

chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/internet-memes-meme-madness-s-spider-man1.jpg

evilengineering.com/gallery/d/38656-1/How+to+ROFL.png

Have a good one.

IF IT DOESN'T FIT, NEVER QUIT!

it ended before i got my wood hard enough, foreplay and pre-event moment should be a lot longer imho, I was like "wait wat already inside?"

Other than that it was good.

471463
hold on give me like an hour or so to extend on it lol

t.qkme.me/3532l1.jpg

Your punctuation is atrocious, you keep capitalizing words that don't need to be and not capitalizing words that need to be, as well as making new paragraphs where they are not needed. Your writing skills definitely need work.

471486
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzppfdxlEn1qdsoz8.png

img.ponibooru.org/_images/11f348e2c3518d5906bfc866bbef8a36/79248%20-%20challenge_accepted%20luna%20meme.jpg

img.ponibooru.org/_images/fae8ea75d77712f61ba78c7760a05aca/25177%20-%20assertive%20fluttershy%20meme%20pornography%20serious.jpg

27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq14adKZe11r05905o1_500.jpg

471553
arch.413chan.net/3655_-_caption_mayor_pony_meme-%28n1301630723289%29.png

pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133099639198.jpg

471574
imgcache.ifans.com/forums/imgcache3/df2e37783d222a5822d467f4e538b60a.png?orig_url=http://gallery.fanserviceftw.com/_images/df2e37783d222a5822d467f4e538b60a/9242%20-%20applejack%20meme%20my_little_pony_friendship_is_magic%20tagme%20wizard.jpg

Needs a tiny bit of rounding in terms of spelling and grammar but otherwise this was a fruitful read

Rape is violence, and shameless rape is shameless violence. I would appreciate being warned as such; that way, I don't have to read what I don't like and thumb down.

...on second look.. okay, yeah, you kinda did. Still deserves a "gore" tag, perhaps.

img.ponibooru.org/_images/5b2630b290136607bdbc5924e693d70d/74965%20-%20animated%20caps_Lock%20luna%20luna_eclipsed%20shouting.gif

FEAR ME, BUT FOLLOW!

deviantart.com/download/286862947/yes__i__m_a_wizard_by_kkyre-d4qsgv7.gif

I just find your work to be some what rushed, other than that it is ok.

471587
Rape is a senseless act of violence,
the internet allows free prostitution, abiding to the hornyness of teenagers and young children,
the fact there are many many stories available inside this library of fun. Yet i receive this thumbs down
It is free to thumbs down, yet...
Ever given the fact, the truth of creativity and personal interest.
I could hate adventure and go to every adventure story.
Commenting: "adventure is violence, and shameless violence is shameless violence. I would appreciate being warned as such; that way, I don't have to read what I don't like and thumb down."
i abid you well

471606
pause the meme war let me extend the story

>>PhoKingAzn

You tell em man.

471619 Dayum.

471619 Dont you dare use them fancy logistics on a clopfic, they aint welcome

471784
data.whicdn.com/images/25291109/fluttershy-found-it-meme-generator-fluttershy-found-your-porn-130f2a_large.jpg
Fancy language

i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/272/915/d06.gif

i.imgur.com/PAvZ9.jpg

You're using the 'as', and 'thurst', even 'deeply' too much, and too many commas. I had the same problem with commas but when you change subject; always use a full stop, as it is different.

It was an okay read, could of added more detail to it, either way have a green thumb for effort, it was still pretty good. 7/10.

471868
471869
scamburger.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/gorilla-rage-on-computer-meme.png
stuff.openblog.ch/umad_pony.png

471880
thats exactly what i was thinking when i was typing.
"Man... I'm using too many commas."
Later on,
"Hmm another word for deep and thrust"

471887
captionsearch.com/pix/g74c9tvreu.jpg

471887
i.imgur.com/UmgQl.gif

471899

Hard, forcefuly, roughly, kinkily, intimidatingly, harshly... You see my point?

471915
adjectives, lets make them into verbs my friend

471925

You can still use them, though.

that ending pic OMG man

471215 i second that

472023 To be completely honest... I have no idea why I posted that pic XD

I returned!

i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/134/609/trollestia4.jpg?1308103005

*yawn* What else you got?

This was assertively hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing once I reached the end.