Kildeez and Sifty's Shameless Self-Insert Adventures in Equestria!

by kildeez

Entry V: Skyrim? Skyrim. By Siftstone.

Kildeez didn't know much about this portal crisis. Me, I had no internet in my house. I spent my days reading books from Twi- and a few were on the subject of portals in Equestria. So, I told him exactly what might happen. At any given time, we could be swallowed up by a ley portal and thrust into a sub-dimension of Equestria, an entirely new world. Depending on our reactions, the time before we got spat back out would vary.

"So, you're telling me that we could end up in a world filled completely with nude, humanized ponies?" Kildeez quizzed, with a somewhat suggestive tone in his voice.

"Don't get your hopes up." I coldly stated.

"Hey, lighten up, man. You're killing my boner, here."

The glare I gave after that comment stayed his tongue for a while.

After some time spent walking, Kildeez and I came upon a small crossroad. A bare patch of dirt road, untouched by the devouring space that was the Broken Leylands. Kildeez didn't seem like he wanted to take lead, so naturally, I stepped forward. The Wardens, along with a few military books that I brought over from Earth, had taught me plenty about leading a fireteam or a whole squad, and my natural tactical prowess could even help me lead an army- something that Celestia would better damn well have had ready by the time I got to her city.

The ground in this area was bare, and looked like fetid meat. This was an indicator; Darkspawn had ravaged this part of the country already. It mattered little. Along with the ground, there was an intense smell of rotten flesh in the air- and that wasn't something that the Darkspawn were able to leave.
Unless it was a major battle, of course. Even then, there would have been corpses.

This was something else.

In that instant, a heart-tearing roar shredded through the dusty air. The beating of enormous wings heralded the arrival of what I could only assume was a dragon. My assumptions were clarified when my terribly-written ass finally decided to actually look up instead of take position with my shield.

"Oh, fuck all kinds of duck." I swore.

"Relax, man." Kildeez assured, "Equestria's dragons won't mess around with you unless you piss them off."

"The problem is thus, Changeling: THAT'S NOT A FUCKING EQUESTRIAN DRAGON!"

The dragon crashed to the sand, blasting a massive roar of fire about itself. Lowering my stance as Kildeez pulled out his shotgun, we readied ourselves for a fight. However, the dragon laughed at us. A deep, throaty, lizardy laugh that could only come from a Dovah.

"Arrogant mortals! Hi yin juriik moro?!"

"What did he say?" Kildeez inquired. "Assuming you understand?"

"I know a bit of Dovahzul, yeah. This fucker said 'You dare challenge my glory."

"Well versed in Dov as you may be, you are nothing but worms to be crushed beneath my might!"

Before Kildeez and I could respond, the dragon inhaled deeply, and spat another three words at us.

Words I began to dread the moment I could comprehend them.

"Hud-TIID LEIN!"

As the massive, inescapable shockwave tore into us, I felt myself black out.

"Hey, man, wake up!" I heard, as several slaps graced my face.

"I swear, I will pee in your mouth if you don't wake up, man! I'm... I'm actually kind of scared right now!"

"Piss in my mouth when I'm dead and I'll rise from the grave to feed you your own testicles." I growled, flexing my stomach and pulling myself to a sitting position. A heavy groan escaped my lungs as my hand met my face. Standing back up, I examined myself, to make sure I still had all of my gear. I was good to go. It wasn't until I looked up that I felt like falling over again.

Far in the distance, several dragons circled a massive mountain. A war raged even further, a small battle with the clashing and slashing of steel echoing through the valley and to us. Men and women in blue-toned armor against men dressed like roman legionnaires. I knew exactly where we were.

"Skyrim...?"

"Dude, you okay?"

"I'm... fine. Just experiencing a toTAL MINDFUCK!"

"What did that dragon do to us?"

"That blast was a Thu'um. A shout. A powerful magic only dragons- and certain, chosen-by-fate individuals possess. The words that dragon used were 'Distance, Time, World.' It displaced us into a different reality."

"You mean... we're in his world?"

"Not exactly."

I explained to Kildeez that dragons were immensely powerful and cunning beings. What that dragon had just done, it had shouted us into a sub-dimension of it's own universe. We were cursed, in a way, to stay here and mull about until we could get coughed back out into our own. We had a varied amount of time- either we'd be displaced a mere hour, or a whole year, depending on how much ire that dragon held for us.

"NIPPLEPENIS! That... So, what? We've failed our mission?"

"No. We can get back. We've just gotta... gotta... Oh, for fuck's sake."

Before K and I could figure out a plan, another dragon flew overhead, roaring. However, the last dragon we fought was colored and decorated like a Legendary Dragon- therefore, it had much more powerful shouts. This dragon, here, was nothing more than a normal, green-scaled Dovah- we could take this bastard. Drawing our weapons, we were loosely prepared for the battle that was about to transpire.

This dragon wasn't as cocky as that last bastard. Immediately after landing, he engaged us, not bothering with talk. A wave of flame blasted by the both of us, causing Kildeez to dive out of the way and land in the mud. I, however, simply raised my shield and ducked low, blocking most of the heat. Within an instant, I was standing to my feet and shield-charging the dragon, machete in-hand. The dragon, not expecting this reaction from a mere mortal, wasn't ready to react- and suffered a heavy shield bash, followed by a spinning strike from my blade.

The dragon roared as I came down again with my machete and caught it on the nose, and as I span back around to swing again, the dragon took a breath. Backing up and raising my shield, I felt the shield tear it's way from my grip and fly across the field of battle, several feet away, as the dragon blasted a wave of energy at me.

"Zun-HAL VIIK!"

Fucking Disarm shout.

This, however, didn't stop me, as I simply dashed forward with a vile wind, gouging the dragon across the cheeks with my blade. Kildeez was shooting at it's wings with his shotgun, which explained why the bugger didn't simply take off after I began kicking it's ass. The dragon reared back it's head, as if it was going to bite me, which caused me to side step it and slash upward, along it's neck- this caused it to toss it's head to the side.

Moving quick, I leapt on top of the dragon's head and began to knee and punch it in the face. As I raised my blade, the dragon seemed to realize something.

"Dovahkiin?! NIID!"

The words nearly stopped me. As my blade crashed through the dragon's skull, the beast fell flat on the earth, the life rolling out of it's eyes. Pulling out my blade and stepping back, I watched in awe as the dragon's flesh began to burn away, and an aura of blue, orange and white energy gushed forth around me. I felt empowered- like a thousand thoughts were rushing into my head, like that dragon's very heart was bursting into my soul.

And it was, in a way.

Falling to my knees at what I had just revealed, I dropped my weapon and looked down at my hands. Tears began to flow- tears of what, I couldn't tell, for my emotions were mixing too much for me to comprehend. There was a knowledge, deep in my mind, that began to rush forth. Fus Ro Dah. Force. Balance. Push.

I fucking played Skyrim, you know.

Kildeez quickly ran over, almost as amazed as I was- more at the fact that I had just slain a dragon than what I was realizing. "Holy shit, man! That was BADASS! Hey... you okay, Warden?"

"N-no... Yes? Fuck... I don't... I don't know."

"What was all that glowy shit?"

"I... I absorbed it's soul."

"...You didn't take a bump to the head, did you?"

"Kildeez. I'm Dragonborn."

Going through the long, arduous process of explaining more quantum and portal physics, along with Dragonborn and Skyrim lore, Kildeez finally came around. My theory was this- since I was in a sub-dimension of Skyrim, a Dragonborn may not have been bestowed power or even born into this world. As dragons were raging across the land, Akatosh had to give someone the power- and since our signatures were new on this plane of Nirn due to the Legendary Dragon's shout, it was one of us. Why it chose me, I don't know. Perhaps it needed a moreover human soul to work?

Whatever the case was, I was Dragonborn. I was a walking divine intervention. This sub-dimension of Skyrim was not important- It's an alternate world where a different fate awaits. If a Dragonborn had not been revealed at this point, then there was no reason for one to fight here- these powers were a gift from the gods of Mundus to the lowly victim blasted into a world where he should not be.

"So, if you have powers, what kind of stuff are you able to do?"

"I can absorb the soul of a slain dragon, and if I'm right, they can be one from Skyrim or a dragon from Equestria. Once I do that, I can use it to 'unlock' the knowledge of a Word of Power. I've played Skyrim- I know all the words that there can be. What I lack is the comprehension to use them, and for that, I need souls. However, one shout was granted to me immediately."

"What was that?"

"You'll see."

After a while of wandering the hills, we felt reality begin to shit itself. We blacked out again, only to awaken in the same field that the Legendary Dragon had banished us from. The loud roar as we awoke let us know that he was still around. I was excited- I was really in the mood to get this bastard back for that little show. Although he did give me power- albeit accidentally- he also gave us a lower chance of getting to Canterlot on time. Time was a commodity. Standing back up quickly, I helped Kildeez to his feet and readied my weapons.

The dragon, roaring by above, began to scorch the land towards us. As it's breath of flame neared us, I took a breath, looked up high, and shouted with intent.

"Fus-RO DAH!"

A blastwave of kinetic energy rushed out ahead of me, screaming forth towards the dragon. As the blast hit, the dragon lost all sense of coordination and flight, and quickly faceplanted into the ground near us, skidding across the earth for a few hundred feet. Running after it, my entire body coursing with zeal, I hurled my machete into the dragon's neck from a short distance, then dropped my shield, launched myself into the air, and brought a massive bronco kick down on the dragon's face, stunning it even further. Pulling my secondary machete from my belt, I cranked open the dragon's mouth and skewered it's lower jaw, propping open it's mouth.

The dragon's eye glared at me as the beast struggled to snap my blade, failing to snap the enhanced steel. Reaching into the bastard's throat, I took hold of the soft muscle that held it's tongue into it's body...

...And tore it clean out.

The dragon flailed briefly before shock set in, and the beast fell over, dying. Pulling out my blades, I waited patiently as the dragon's soul transferred to me. Looking back and collecting my shield, I noticed Kildeez looking on with a face of pure disbelief.

"Holy shit."

Author's Note:

SKKKYYYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMM...is the property of Bethesda. I don't own Skyrim. I don't own MLP. Man, I don't own jack shit.

Comments

[Dustchu]

FUS RO DAH! *swag*