Kildeez and Sifty's Shameless Self-Insert Adventures in Equestria!

by kildeez

Entry VIII: More Monstrosities, by Sifty

After some time spent in this shitty little alcove after the battle, I let out a short growl. Though Kildeez was a hell of a companion, we hadn't really discussed our plans for the future.

"Kay..." I grunt, to get his attention. Apathetic as to whether he was really listening or not, I went on anyway. "After we get to the castle and fight off the Darkspawn, we're going to part ways."

"I getcha." Kay replied, understandingly. "I'd imagine that tagging along with a Changeling would be bad for your image, Sifty."

"Two things. One, you're tagging along with me. Remember who's in charge." I growled. "Two? How in the fuck did you figure out my name? I distinctly remember telling you that my title is 'Warden,' nothing more, nothing less."

Kay's expression went sour. He nervously looked away in a manner suggesting that he was hiding something. As he stammered to come up with something, I stepped forward and kneed him in the chin, knocking him off of the bed he was laying down on. Picking him up by his shirt collar, I stuck one of the pistols I had recovered up to his chin and gazed into his eyes with the glowing wrath of the Dragonblood and the Taint, two great tastes that taste great together.

"Spill your guts before I spill 'em for ya."

Before he could give a confession or an excuse, a blood-curdling screech echoed through the ghost town. Unlike the other monstrosities that we fought, I actually had a bit of trouble identifying this one- and I was a damn experienced crypto-xenobiologist. Growling in agitation, I turned to the direction of the scream.

"HOLD YOUR DICK, ASSMAGGOT! I'LL GET TO YOU IN A MOMENT!" I barked, the rage nearly shaking the foundation of the building we were in. The voice of the Dragonborn leaked out quite a bit. As if to say "unhand that suave gentlesack," the roof of the building collapsed, and in the wake of the dust and splintered wood was some sort of glowing monstrosity. Four eyes, an unnaturally wide mouth, and a scream that would wet the greaves of any would-be adventurer.

Except for myself, of course. Fear is a reflex.

AS IS VIOLENCE.

As I had dropped Kildeez when the creature came through, I didn't give the bastard the welcome it likely expected. With the stunt it just pulled, it probably assumed that it's victims would be shocked, or unable to fight, and would get an easy meal. Rather, it tasted the bony knuckles of an experienced Warden, as I crashed my fist through it's cheek with tight right hook. Crouching slightly, I jumped upward with the follow-through uppercut, which caused the creature to sever it's own tongue.

Stepping forward, I crashed my forehead into what could only be assumed as the bastard's nose, which sent it scrambling up against the wall behind it. Locking it tight in a half-clinch, I tenderized it's ribcage with a barrage of heavy shovel-hooks, before locking up a full clinch and rocketing my knee into the fucker's crotch. Turning and throwing my weight into the bugger, I grabbed it by the back of the head with both arms and hurled it over my shoulder, leaving it on it's ass with it's head in just the right position.

Snap.

With a professionally rearranged cervical vertebrae, the creature fell to the ground. The blood rage, now purging itself from my system, allowed me to actually analyze the beast a bit and come out with an assumption of what breed it was. Cannibal, a Reaper-class creature from the Mass Effect universe. Always got freaked out by their oversized mouths and their eating habits.

Not like it mattered. Bitch be' dead.

Not wanting to waste any more time, I kicked Kay's backpack into his face with a grunt of agitation. We've done enough in this backwoods little county.

"I'll tear answers out of you later. We've spent enough time playing with our milk-sticks. We've got Darkspawn to catch up to. I believe we owe them a kick in the daddy bags."

Ignoring whatever it was that Kildeez mumbled, I began to leave- but not before dipping my finger into the Cannibal's pooling blood, smearing the cyan fluid across my face to symbolize the fact that even converted Reaper drones should fear me.

Not to be egotistical, but a pissed off Dragonborn-Warden on a mission with the power of a nation in his hands is not exactly something that should be fucked with lightly. I may have pissed off my only companion just now, but he's been with me long enough to know- Don't fuck with The Warden.

Kildeez, understandably, stayed farther behind from me as we marched. He was both tired, and likely either shameful or angry about our confrontation. To be honest, I couldn't care less. He's got his own problems to worry about. If he doesn't like me because I'm a rightfully paranoid butt-stabber, that's all well and good. Not going to stop me from doing my job, and if his job is really as important as mine, then I would drag his ass from Hell itself so that he could complete it.

Nobody gets left behind. No matter how much I distrust them.

Our jobs were too important for petty things to stand in the way. After all, it's why I left Equestria in the first place.

As well as why I came back.

As the dust of the dead lands kicked up again, I began to chant Rusted Root's "Send Me On My Way" to keep the mood going. Was somewhat gratifying when Kildeez started playing the guitar along with the lyrics.

I'm quite sure he had a subtle fear that I would feed him that guitar.