Kildeez and Sifty's Shameless Self-Insert Adventures in Equestria!

by kildeez

Entry VI: Holy S#!ts All Around, by Sifty

Kay and I decided to settle down and make a camp for the night. We ran through a horde of slime creatures, and were both feeling... rather unsanitary. We found an oasis in the leylands, and I bucket. After punching some holes in the bucket and hanging it in the tree, I built a small wall around the tree for privacy, made out of sticks and logs, and next to the oasis waters so that a steady supply of water was available. Sure, showering might not be the most badass thing- but we weren't trying to be badass. We were trying to live to see the next sunrise.

And being covered in digestive slime was not exactly good.

I let Kay go first, as I warned him that I spend a lot of time in the shower. It was an addiction. I pretty much spent my time meditating on words of power while I waited for Kay- Particularly the ones that aren't as... epic as the others. Simple ones, like Dismay, Disarm and Clear Skies. You never know when you might need them.

After Kay got out, I went right on in. Now, I won't explain the scrubbing. You pervy bastards know what a shower is.

As I went along, I looked over the barrier to see what Kay was doing. He was writing something into his journal, it seemed. Now, I noticed something in the distance- five tall, humanoid shapes, approaching our camp. Likely attracted by the light of our campfire.

"Kildeez. Heads up, we've got company. Handle it."

"On it."

Kildeez got up and approached the bandits, but left his shotgun behind, next to the small hole in the sand we dug for sleep. Not a wise move, but he was a shapeshifter. As the apparent humans came closer, they pulled out weaponry- nothing major, mostly knives and blunt objects, but one guy had a handgun. Kay began to move to go for his weapon, it seemed, but stopped.

"What are you two queers doin' out here, all alone, eh?" Cackled one douche, who seemed to be the leader.

"Your mother, fuckwad." Kildeez bit back, a light growl in the back of his throat. "Girl doesn't even want to take turns, we both go at once, every time."

The douche seemed upset by this utmost truth. Pulling his gun up and aligning it with Kay's face, the guy spat out some incomprehensible gibberish in, what I could only assume, was Hungarian. Before the guy could say anymore, a green aura briefly surrounded Kay, and then the douche's arm was hacked off at the elbow by a long, broad, and painfully familiar blade.

Standing in what was once Kay's place was a Hive Guardian, beating it's six hooves against the ground repeatedly and huffing steamy air out of it's gills. As the douche stumbled backward, he suffered a broad, forward slam from Kay's head, which knocked him on his ass. The douche, tearful over the sudden ass-beating, commanded his group to attack.

Another green aura blasted over the Hive Guardian, and the howl of a wolf pierced the air. Eight feet of a massive, bulked-up werewolf unsheathed it's shining claws, and pounced one of the douche's cronies to the floor, tearing out his throat and rending pieces of flesh and clothing away. The other bandits were unnerved by what was going on, and couldn't seem to bring themselves to strike. Kildeez, finished with his victim, quickly turned and pounced high against another bandit, burying his werewolf claws into the bandit's face and dragging him to the floor. However, the moment Kildeez hit the dirt, he had already shifted again.

I recognized this motherfucker.

Standing a healthy twenty feet in height, fur dyed an icy, light blue, with gigantic, three-foot long claws, and a single, massive, glowing eye, was a Deerclops. Suffice to say, the bandits were, as we in the science community like to say, "completely fucked."

"Oh, fuck this! You're on your own, boss!" Shrieked one of the bandits, as he turned and fled, while leaving a trail of fear-urine in his tracks. The other one, falling to his knees in shock, had a look of sheer terror on his face. Kildeez swung one of his arms low, and flung the bandit far into the distance, beyond the point of the waning sunlight.

The leader, still screaming over the loss of his arm, was silenced by a massive, clawed stomp. Grinding his foot into the dirt, Kildeez gave a roar of victory before turning back into his human form. Straightening his collar, he checked the corpses, and retrieved for himself a few items.

"Hey, Warden!"

"Y-yeah? Holy shit..."

"You want a gun?"

"Nah, man, I'm... I'm fine. Just... Holy shit, dude."

That night at camp was filled with tales of Kay's adventures, and the many creatures he could shift into. Upon the rising of the next morning's light, we set out once again, moving ever-onward to Equestria's boundaries. Even if we managed to get there on time, however, we still had a LOT of work to do- the Crystal Kingdom in the plains, Ponyville itself... Whatever went on in the smaller towns, we would have to handle. It's what we do.

But for now, we walk.

Author's Note:

Evidently, being Chryssy's son has its perks.