1001 Enchantments for Foals
“1001 Enchantments for Foals” read the title of the massive red-colored and gold-trimmed book deep within the catacombs of Twilight's castle.
Neat! Pinkie thought, plucking out the book from its shelf, Enchantments for entertaining foals!
Pinkie snapped the book open and started reading.
“It is ancient tradition for nobles to impart enchantments upon their young so that their sons and daughters may better serve society, and so society may better serve them. Unfortunately, despite the popularity of this tradition, there has been little effort to create a comprehensive list of the enchantments. That is, until now.
“Some such enchantments are long-held family secrets. It would be very hard, if not impossible, to find and detail those close kept secrets, but I believe the enchantments I was able to find should be more than enough.”
Pinkie blinked. This book obviously wasn’t about entertaining foals with magic. Still, that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be interesting, and in any case, she wasn’t going to give up on her book so easily after venturing all the way into the depths of Twilight’s library.
But now she wondered: what kind of enchantments was Twilight under? Did she even know if she was under any enchantments? Was ‘long-held family secret’ the reason why Twilight and Shining were both so successful and powerful? So many questions...
Pinkie grinned greedily and continued reading.
“If you are reading this as a fully grown pony and wish to add or remove enchantments that may have been given to you without your knowledge or consent, fear not. Only five of the thousand and one enchantments listed here are permanent, and only another four must be granted at an early age. However, please keep in mind that any enchantment constantly drains natural magic. Too many enchantments may lead to constant exhaustion or other afflictions, depending on the nature of the enchantments.”
Ah huh. Pinkie flipped the page.
Next was the table of contents. It looked the same as any of the tables in her cookbooks, but instead of meals, it had spells. There were spells for the academic, spells for the athletic, spells for the friendly... there were a lot of types of spells.
Pinkie flipped to the “academic” section. She felt bad for not flipping to the “friendly” section, but— ah, who was she kidding! According to Spike, Twilight didn’t have any friends at all until she came to Ponyville, so of course she wouldn’t have had friendship enchantments on her.
“Mathematical Genius,” the book read, “Numbers and letters flow through equations like professional stunt-pegasi flow through the air for ponies with this enchantment.”
“Hmm...” Pinkie was willing to bet that Twilight had that one. She found numerous equations in many things Twilight did, like analyzing that blue box. Most other unicorns she knew didn’t throw math at things nearly as much.
Pinkie flipped a few pages to the left.
“Not Out of Context – Have you ever tried to remember something, but only remembered bits and pieces, and not important things like where you remembered it from? This enchantment takes your hazy memory and upgrades it to a crystal clear movie. Remember any random thing, and if you so wish, you can go as far as stepping into the memory and playing with time as you please!”
“Ha!” Pinkie pronounced to the world as she pressed her hoof on the paragraph. “Twilight totally has that one!”
Pinkie remembered multiple times when Twilight would recall the exact book and page number she remembered something from. It was infuriating! She could come up with something she knew was right, and then Twilight could say something much more convincing by giving some random references.
If she had that spell on her, she could have remembered to tell Twilight that “whodunit” was the term for a detective story where the detective has to find out who committed the crime, not bad grammar. And then when she tried to work backwards by seeing the reactions of the accused—though, she may have been having a little too much fun with that to be watching their reactions like she should have been doing—Twilight had to try and make a point by hiding everything she found!
Pinkie decided not to wallow in frustrating memories.
A shrill creak echoed throughout the library.
That must have been Twilight! It also must have been a sign that the door hinges needed oiling, but that wasn’t Pinkie’s problem.
Pinkie slammed her book shut, threw it into her hair, and waited for it to be fully absorbed. Once it felt secure, she dashed back through the endless labyrinth of books.
Twilight and Spike walked at a relaxed pace back to the castle, ignoring all the beautiful scenery around them.
“Did we get the submarine kit for Scootaloo?” Twilight asked. She could have gone back in her memories to the moment when she made the list and traveled to the place and time that the item she just asked for was linked to, but that would have taken some time. Plus, it was more friendly to ask things.
Spike ruffled through his long scroll. “Check!”
“Did we get the saturated magicite crystals for Sweetie Belle?” Twilight asked, albeit a bit more quietly. If ponies knew she had made it so far in teaching Sweetie Belle magic, she didn’t know what would happen. Well, then again, she made it pretty far with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, too, but their fields weren’t as broad.
“Check!” Twilight heard from behind her.
“And all of Apple Bloom’s chemistry set?” Twilight asked.
“Let’s see,” Spike said before taking a breath, “We have benzene, propylene, sulfuric acid, tricalcium phosphate, hydrochloric acid, pure carbon monoxide, chlorine, wood, a vacuum and pressure chamber, an industrial heater, sodium hydroxide, and two hair dryers. I think that’s everything.”
Twilight checked off everything in the list in her mind as spike checked it off on the scroll, just to double check. “Yup,” she said, “that’s everything.”
Now she was finally back at the castle. Home sweet home.
She pushed the large doors open with her front hooves. There was an annoying creak that she would have to fix later. “Spike,” she said after landing back on all fours and continuing to walk into the rotunda, “Remind me to add door hinge oil to tomorrow’s list.”
“Sure thing,” Spike said noncommittally before rolling up his scroll and walking towards a shelf full of them.
But there was another noise, one that sounded like a rapidly approaching pony. Twilight braced herself, but it was too late. A pink pony crashed into her with enough speed to topple the great purple princess.
“Twilight!” Pinkie said from above with a huge smile on her face, a face inches from Twilight’s own. “You’re back!”
“Of course I am.” From the ground, Twilight half giggled at the unexpectedness, half smiled at the cuteness. “I live here.”
“Yeah.” Pinkie got back up and offered a hoof to Twilight. “But you could have been out alllll night shopping for expensive jewelry for Sweetie Belle, cool bikes for Scootaloo, and drugs for Apple Bloom.”
Twilight had to try hard to stifle her chuckle as she got up. She thought she managed to keep her deadpan gaze pretty well. “I bought magicite for Sweetie Belle, chemicals for Apple Bloom, and a submarine kit for Scootaloo.”
Pinkie’s eyes went round. “You bought Scootaloo a submarine kit?”
“A fully tricked out one!” Spike added, stuffing his scroll into the ‘completed lists’ section. With that taken care of, he headed upstairs, walking as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
Twilight glared at Spike. That loudmouthed dragon couldn’t be trusted with anything! She returned her gaze to Pinkie. “Yes.” She nodded. “I did.”
“Can I have a submarine?” Pinkie asked, her eyes still round.
Twilight chuckled. “You’re a grown mare, Pinkie, you have to earn your own submarine kits.”
Pinkie frowned and quirked an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way.”
“Sure it does!” Twilight grinned. “I mean, there’s a whole book on it! Chapter 22 of ‘Raising Foals’ describes it so much better than I ever could!”
When Twilight looked back at Pinkie after making her comment, she noticed Pinkie was grimacing. But was it out of sadness or disgust? No, that couldn’t have been disgust. But then why was she sad? Wait, was she rolling her eyes— Ah, and it vanished almost as quickly as she turned her head back. Well, Twilight wouldn’t have been a good friend if she ignored her friend’s feelings, even if said friend was trying to hide those feelings.
“Aww...” Twilight tilted her head compassionately, or at least she thought she did. “Don’t worry, I’ll remember to get you a—” Twilight halted, remembering that she wasn’t supposed to tell ponies what she was going to give them for their birthday “—um, something nice for your birthday.”
Twilight thought she noticed another grimace flash across Pinkie’s face when she almost told her what she was going to get her for her birthday. But... no, that couldn’t be right. Why was she being all silent, though? That wasn’t like Pinkie.
“So, what brings you here?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie perked up at that. “Wha— Oh! I wanted to know if you could use your super-duper analysis skills” —Pinkie hopped behind some library books and strapped on a pair of goggles reminiscent of Twilight’s old pair— ”to categorize my parties by likability, snacks, and party favors. And with our powers combined—” Pinkie stood up out of a shelf and held her goggles high “ —we shall rule Equestria!”
Twilight chuckled. “We already rule Equestria.” Then she put a hoof to her chin and thought about it. How much power did she and her friends really have? “Well, kind of.” She put her hoof down.
“Oh yeah.” Pinkie chuckled to herself.
“So,” Twilight said, trying to look serious again, “you want me to help you make your parties better?”
“Mhmm!” Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.
“I’ll have to check my schedule...” Twilight put her hoof to her chin and considered the offer. On one hoof, she’d have something to do, as princess duty was surprisingly free of work compared to student duty. On the other hoof, she wasn’t sure how she would even go about analyzing Pinkie’s—
“Oh, Twilight’s schedule is completely open!” Spike yelled from upstairs. “Princesses, huh. They don’t have to do anything!”
“Thanks, Spike!” Twilight yelled, stamping her hoof in annoyance.
“Thanks, Spike!” Pinkie yelled, grinning with appreciation.
“Oh,” Pinkie said, “one more thing.” She bounced in place a couple times. A book untangled itself from her mane, then popped into the air and landed on Twilight’s head. “I’d like to check out a book.”
Twilight nodded, then lowered her head so the book would fall off and then caught it in her magic. But the title caught her eye,
“Uh, Pinkie.” She said.
Pinkie tilted her head.
Twilight sighed. She was going to have to let down that random ball of happy. “I don’t think this book contains any spells for entertaining foals. Most likely, it’s for teaching basic enchantments.” She flipped it around a few times and examined it in her magic.
“I know that.” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Sheesh, you don’t think I look at a book before I check it out?”
Twilight shrugged, pleasantly surprised, and turned around to proceed with checkout, but then she saw a label on the back: “spells reserved for nobility”.
“Ooh!” She backed up and turned around to face Pinkie again. “Sorry, I don’t think I can check this out for you. I’ll let you read it in the library if you want to, but I don’t think I can perform enchantments on you unless you’re somehow a noble.”
Pinkie frowned. “Am I secretly a noble?” She raised an eyebrow.
Twilight giggled. “I wouldn’t know that.” She smiled at Pinkie. “So, you wanna stay and read?”
Pinkie puased for a second before shaking her head. “Nah, maybe later.”
Pinkie played with her Twilight Sparkle plushie in her free time, roleplaying her favorite ‘Twilight Sparkle’s gone mad with power’ scenario where Pinkie tried to stop her, but nopony could stop the Twilight. But she couldn’t help but think back to Twilight and that book.
It was so unfair that noble ponies got to use books she couldn’t. And Twilight was a noble pony, wasn’t she? She probably had all kinds of enchantments on her! She probably had super strength, the ability to fly, and laser vision! No, wait, that was super-mare.
Still, it was unfair that Twilight got to go into places like Star Swirl’s wing and got to use things like ‘Enchantments for Foals’ when she couldn’t. And what was so different between Pinkie and somepony born into royalty anyway?
Why, if she got that enchantment, she wouldn't have to spend every morning memorizing birthdays, or every evening practicing her different mnemonics. And there would be no chance of her forgetting something and hurting somepony's feelings... But Twilight said she couldn't perform any enchantments on her, which meant there was probably some rule against it, because Twilight could do anything magic related.
...And no matter how great that enchantment may have been, Pinkie would never force her friend to break a law for her.
Pinkie sighed and nudged her Twilight plushie with a hoof. Maybe, someday, she would just get the enchantment through sheer luck. But she knew that was unlikely.
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Great now you have me thinking that twilight is a fraud and cheater.
However I do like the story, even if pinkies so each is hard to follow.
Fabulous. Now I want a submarine.
4881964
Well, she's not necessarily a fraud or a cheater. After all, she would have had enchentments placed on her when she was a foal, before she could give consent. Plus, this is a common practice by now since it has a book written about it.
But what do you mean by:
4881971
derpicdn.net/img/2013/2/28/257754/large.jpeg
4882480 "Pinkies *Speech* is hard to follow" sorry I have troubles writing sometimes.
Also even if it is from an enchantment placed without consent I still don't like it because I want people to achieve what they can on their own, asking for help is fine but this just seems like a computer is your lackey and it only goes to unicorns...
racist much
please don't hate me!
4883665
Well, hopefully the speech will be easier to follow once I get more editors.
And, well, you're not supposed to like that part.
4890364
4883665
yes, the speech and thought coherency will be much better in the future. it's one of the things I can pick out quite well when editing, i just wasn't able to get to this chapter before it was posted.
//////////////////////////////////////////
Review ... ish thing?
I can also see that you have the same problem of elaborating slightly too much and jumping around with thoughts and "subthoughts" while still being somewhat direct and relevant as I do. (Must be an engineer thing) Either that, or that's how you write pinkie.
[reads some more]
Yes, you do stay extremely focused on pushing the plot along, enough that some of it feels contrived and there are missing bits if information and actions that would have been gone through to reach that point. and the beginning of a racist joke is completely out of place. is there tension between the races about this sort of thing? Does twilight think she's superior or that pinkie's inferior because of their race? I don't know, you might want to provide a background for those sort of things as they are a bit confusing without context. I can give some pointers when looking through future chapters.
4897945
Okay, I replied to you on the Google docs so I wouldn't spoil anything.
So, you want some editor recognition in the description? Cause right now that editor thanking section is looking pretty empty.
Wow this chapter has not been reviewed yet by the Authors Helping Authors group yet. Fear not my good sir (or ma'am) as a member of said group I shall do it.
I'll read over it first then I will post your review for you.
I remember the Page Number
Chapter 1
Grammar: 8/10
Pros:
1. I like that you wrote the story in a way that it actually feels like you are inside Pinkie Pie’s head. As well as with Twilight’s mind. You capture both of the characters very well.
2. The idea of enchantments being added to foal unicorns is indeed an interesting concept and all the details you give make it interesting. Also the table of contents is an interesting idea, I haven’t seen it used before, at least not in the context you use.
3. It is also very good that you refer back to some of the older episodes like “whodunit”. As well as to the CMC having Twilight Time (or whatever it is called).
Cons:
1. There is a section where Pinkie Pie is talking about Twilight and sadly thinks become confusing. This is because usually when using words like ‘she’ it refers to the previously mentioned individual. So in the story you talk about Twilight and then it is Pinkie Pie referring back to herself. However since Pinkie-pie’s name doesn’t come up you keep on thinking it is referring to Twilight.
2. I am almost shocked that Pinkie Pie would be offended by a racist joke. The reason I state this fact is that I have many friends from various ethnical backgrounds who tell such jokes to each other and are not offended by it, because they it is just a joke and that it will have no impact on their friendship. Considering Pinkie Pie’s attitude she would probably just push it off as stupid. But that is just a personal opinion on that matter.
3. The story (at least in this chapter) is confusing on the matter of the “Not Out of Context” spell. Does Pinkie want it for herself or to remove it from Twilight? If you went into more detail on this it would be very helpful for your audience.
Personal Thoughts:
Am I the only one of thought of BreakingBad when Twilight and Pinkie Pie talk about getting chemicals/drugs for Applebloom?
Personally I don't see how the story is dark but this is also just the first chapter so I can see the potential of it becoming darker as the story goes on.
I am looking forward to figuring out what Pinkie Pie will use to make the spell work. I am also curious if Twilight is really enchanted or if she actually just thinks this way, and if she is enchanted does she know of it or not? This is a very interesting story and I will be looking forward to reading more in the future.
---
To show how much I was entertained I will award you with 4 out of 5 Psycho Pinkamena Faces.
Also since I reviewed your story could review my story The Mirror-Stone Wasteland? You only need to review one of my chapters (but preferably not Chapter 1 as it has already been review a few times.
Again I like you story and I look forward to reading more.
4901209
Yay! A review!
This story still hasn't received editing from anyone other than me yet, and that may take a little while, since school is staring for most people and I don't want to rush my editors.
I'll put up a post with this story tagged once I re-release the first chapter. Hopefully I can get the second chapter out as well, bit again, I don't want to rush my editors.
For now though, I'll address the cons you listed:
1. I've been told by everyone that the speech is confusing, but when I went through it, I didn't really notice much confusing speech, so that's probably my mind filling in things that aren't written. That should be solved when I have some editors on this.
2. I'll be honest, I have little experience with telling racist jokes. I don't think Pinkie was trying to look offended, as shown by her later reaction, but Twilight sucks at interpreting feelings and facial expressions. You would too if you had only friendshipped for two years. Still, I should have made that more clear, but hopefully that's another thing that will be addressed by editing.
3. Huh, I hadn't even thought about removing it from Twilight. It should have been obvious from the beginning that Pinkie wanted it for herself. Again, another thing that should be fixed by editing.
Now for the personal thoughts section:
1. Apparently not:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/8/24/706710__safe_solo_pinkie+pie_solo+female_crossover_apple+bloom_breaking+bad_walter+white_heisenberg_amc.jpeg
2. I seem to like making politically themed stories. I'm planning on having everything blow up politically, judicially, etc. just like it would in real life. Mixing that seriousness with comedy will be hard, but if I can do a good enough Pinkie I think I should be able to handle it.
3. You know what, I already had that part written, but now that you say you're looking forward to it, I feel like I'm just conveniently skipping over elements that could make a whole story in and of themselves to further the plot. I think I'll go back and rewrite that part.
8 out of 10 is really good for a pre-edited story. Now I'm gonna have to rewrite a few things you mentioned, add a lot of stuff to the second chapter, and contact some of the more active editors from the proofreaders group. But before that, let's see what your story's like!
Oh, wait, before that, I've gotta jog and send a few emails. You don't mind waiting a few hours, do you?
4901930
No problem. I can wait.
Awesome story. I don't think that he speech is hard to follow. That or my brain just playing 'fill in the blanks'.
5104584
Thanks!
Oh, I don't think some of the old comments apply anymore. The story was edited about a billion times.
I wanted to get a good first chapter. After all, it kind of decides whether people will continue reading or not.
Enchantment... I has those
Luna: that's enchanted OBJECTS. Not ponies
... I still has them *Lifts Luna with one finger*
Luna: ... I only weigh-
120 pounds more than the moon, personal gravity field remember?
Luna: ... Put me down, I do not like it when you marehandle me