Pinkie Pie found a book in the depths of Twilight's castle detailing enchantments reserved for royal foals. Though, technically, the enchantments could be applied to anypony and at any age, so why were they reserved?
One enchantment that looked particularly tempting was called "Not Out of Context". It greatly improved recall.
Pinkie would have bet a lot of cupcake money that Twilight had that enchantment cast on her, and now that she thought about it, adding it to herself would have helped with quite a few things in her life... But it wouldn't be worth it if it got Twilight in trouble.
However, her friends also subscribed to that type of selfless thinking.
Chapter 1 edited by Idylia, TehSporkBandit, and Teslaponie. Reviewed by Marigold Sparkle Mane and robbieagray91 .
Chapter 2 edited by RaylanKrios, Idylia, TehSporkBandit, and Teslaponie.
Last change: 10-15-2014
{On hiatus due to extenuating circumstances}
Great now you have me thinking that twilight is a fraud and cheater.
However I do like the story, even if pinkies so each is hard to follow.
Fabulous. Now I want a submarine.
4881964
Well, she's not necessarily a fraud or a cheater. After all, she would have had enchentments placed on her when she was a foal, before she could give consent. Plus, this is a common practice by now since it has a book written about it.
But what do you mean by:
4881971
derpicdn.net/img/2013/2/28/257754/large.jpeg
4882480 "Pinkies *Speech* is hard to follow" sorry I have troubles writing sometimes.
Also even if it is from an enchantment placed without consent I still don't like it because I want people to achieve what they can on their own, asking for help is fine but this just seems like a computer is your lackey and it only goes to unicorns...
racist much
please don't hate me!
4883665
Well, hopefully the speech will be easier to follow once I get more editors.
And, well, you're not supposed to like that part.
4890364
4883665
yes, the speech and thought coherency will be much better in the future. it's one of the things I can pick out quite well when editing, i just wasn't able to get to this chapter before it was posted.
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Review ... ish thing?
I can also see that you have the same problem of elaborating slightly too much and jumping around with thoughts and "subthoughts" while still being somewhat direct and relevant as I do. (Must be an engineer thing) Either that, or that's how you write pinkie.
[reads some more]
Yes, you do stay extremely focused on pushing the plot along, enough that some of it feels contrived and there are missing bits if information and actions that would have been gone through to reach that point. and the beginning of a racist joke is completely out of place. is there tension between the races about this sort of thing? Does twilight think she's superior or that pinkie's inferior because of their race? I don't know, you might want to provide a background for those sort of things as they are a bit confusing without context. I can give some pointers when looking through future chapters.
4897945
Okay, I replied to you on the Google docs so I wouldn't spoil anything.
So, you want some editor recognition in the description? Cause right now that editor thanking section is looking pretty empty.
Wow this chapter has not been reviewed yet by the Authors Helping Authors group yet. Fear not my good sir (or ma'am) as a member of said group I shall do it.
I'll read over it first then I will post your review for you.
I remember the Page Number
Chapter 1
Grammar: 8/10
Pros:
1. I like that you wrote the story in a way that it actually feels like you are inside Pinkie Pie’s head. As well as with Twilight’s mind. You capture both of the characters very well.
2. The idea of enchantments being added to foal unicorns is indeed an interesting concept and all the details you give make it interesting. Also the table of contents is an interesting idea, I haven’t seen it used before, at least not in the context you use.
3. It is also very good that you refer back to some of the older episodes like “whodunit”. As well as to the CMC having Twilight Time (or whatever it is called).
Cons:
1. There is a section where Pinkie Pie is talking about Twilight and sadly thinks become confusing. This is because usually when using words like ‘she’ it refers to the previously mentioned individual. So in the story you talk about Twilight and then it is Pinkie Pie referring back to herself. However since Pinkie-pie’s name doesn’t come up you keep on thinking it is referring to Twilight.
2. I am almost shocked that Pinkie Pie would be offended by a racist joke. The reason I state this fact is that I have many friends from various ethnical backgrounds who tell such jokes to each other and are not offended by it, because they it is just a joke and that it will have no impact on their friendship. Considering Pinkie Pie’s attitude she would probably just push it off as stupid. But that is just a personal opinion on that matter.
3. The story (at least in this chapter) is confusing on the matter of the “Not Out of Context” spell. Does Pinkie want it for herself or to remove it from Twilight? If you went into more detail on this it would be very helpful for your audience.
Personal Thoughts:
Am I the only one of thought of BreakingBad when Twilight and Pinkie Pie talk about getting chemicals/drugs for Applebloom?
Personally I don't see how the story is dark but this is also just the first chapter so I can see the potential of it becoming darker as the story goes on.
I am looking forward to figuring out what Pinkie Pie will use to make the spell work. I am also curious if Twilight is really enchanted or if she actually just thinks this way, and if she is enchanted does she know of it or not? This is a very interesting story and I will be looking forward to reading more in the future.
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To show how much I was entertained I will award you with 4 out of 5 Psycho Pinkamena Faces.
Also since I reviewed your story could review my story The Mirror-Stone Wasteland? You only need to review one of my chapters (but preferably not Chapter 1 as it has already been review a few times.
Again I like you story and I look forward to reading more.
4901209
Yay! A review!
This story still hasn't received editing from anyone other than me yet, and that may take a little while, since school is staring for most people and I don't want to rush my editors.
I'll put up a post with this story tagged once I re-release the first chapter. Hopefully I can get the second chapter out as well, bit again, I don't want to rush my editors.
For now though, I'll address the cons you listed:
1. I've been told by everyone that the speech is confusing, but when I went through it, I didn't really notice much confusing speech, so that's probably my mind filling in things that aren't written. That should be solved when I have some editors on this.
2. I'll be honest, I have little experience with telling racist jokes. I don't think Pinkie was trying to look offended, as shown by her later reaction, but Twilight sucks at interpreting feelings and facial expressions. You would too if you had only friendshipped for two years. Still, I should have made that more clear, but hopefully that's another thing that will be addressed by editing.
3. Huh, I hadn't even thought about removing it from Twilight. It should have been obvious from the beginning that Pinkie wanted it for herself. Again, another thing that should be fixed by editing.
Now for the personal thoughts section:
1. Apparently not:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/8/24/706710__safe_solo_pinkie+pie_solo+female_crossover_apple+bloom_breaking+bad_walter+white_heisenberg_amc.jpeg
2. I seem to like making politically themed stories. I'm planning on having everything blow up politically, judicially, etc. just like it would in real life. Mixing that seriousness with comedy will be hard, but if I can do a good enough Pinkie I think I should be able to handle it.
3. You know what, I already had that part written, but now that you say you're looking forward to it, I feel like I'm just conveniently skipping over elements that could make a whole story in and of themselves to further the plot. I think I'll go back and rewrite that part.
8 out of 10 is really good for a pre-edited story. Now I'm gonna have to rewrite a few things you mentioned, add a lot of stuff to the second chapter, and contact some of the more active editors from the proofreaders group. But before that, let's see what your story's like!
Oh, wait, before that, I've gotta jog and send a few emails. You don't mind waiting a few hours, do you?
4901930
No problem. I can wait.
Awesome story. I don't think that he speech is hard to follow. That or my brain just playing 'fill in the blanks'.
5104584
Thanks!
Oh, I don't think some of the old comments apply anymore. The story was edited about a billion times.
I wanted to get a good first chapter. After all, it kind of decides whether people will continue reading or not.
Enchantment... I has those
Luna: that's enchanted OBJECTS. Not ponies
... I still has them *Lifts Luna with one finger*
Luna: ... I only weigh-
120 pounds more than the moon, personal gravity field remember?
Luna: ... Put me down, I do not like it when you marehandle me
Wahh I need moar
5615673
I'm making a video game now. It might be a while before I post anything other than comments on stories here.
I might adapt some of my story concepts into video games though, or parts of video games, but only if I'm working for other people, because otherwise I'm not gonna cross Hasbro's copyright line.
5616554 Ah, I see. Well, thank you for telling me and the best of luck! :3
5619491
Thanks!
Cool story too bad its on hiatus. up vote.