4 weeks later
"Human! We desire to speak with you!" A loud, echoing voice, exploded into your room. You almost fell out of the bed from the shock. You looked around the room, trying to look for the source of the sound.When your head turns to the window, you notice the moon is still high in the sky. You didn't have any type of clock in your room, so you were unsure about the exact time. After a few seconds of you looking around the tower room with half closed eyes, you manage to collect your thoughts, just in time for the voice to fill your ears again.
"Human! Art thou awake?!" The voice called again.
Now you were able to tell who it was. Only one pony in all of Equestria spoke in that Olden English way. You make it to your feet and stretch your arms. You feel your back crack and your shoulders pop. The infirmary beds were much more comfortable than your own. Maybe you should convince Nurse Redheart to let you take one of the beds...
"Human! Wake up!" This time, the shouting was accompanied by banging on the door. You groaned and stood up. With one hand rubbing your eye, you use your other to open the door. You start off slowly pushing it open, but the pony on the other end quickly grabs it and swings it open. Even through mostly closed eyes, you know full well who it is that was so eager to speak to you.
"Ah! Finally, you're awake!" The princess of the night exclaimed.
"Luna...what time is it?"
"Oh, it is about two hours until the sunrise!"
You swing your head back and groan in an over-exaggerated manner. "Why did you wake me up?" You ask.
"There is an important matter we must discuss!" You're sure she was trying to sound serious, like someone was in danger, but you couldn't help but hear something in her voice ... excitement? Her body language surely showed that, as she was bouncing on the balls of her feet. She didn't have a smile on her face though. Maybe it was just the fact she suddenly woke you up in the middle of the night, but you had a very hard time reading the usually transparent mare.
"What is it? Is something wrong?" It was not every night, thankfully, the princess of the night was banging on your door. You did feel a little anxious on what she wanted to talk about.
"Captain Lullaby of my Night Watch has spoken to me about your pretend fights with members of the guard after hours."
"..oh, that. Luna, I promise you that we are not trying to hurt each other."
"I am aware of that. I've been watching you two fight for the past two weeks."
"You have? Why?"
"Lullaby has nominated you to participate in an upcoming event."
"An event?" It was not uncommon for you to participate in events in Canterlot. Luna loved bringing you to every kind of event to show you the music, food, and just to meet the local ponies. To be fair, you did meet all two of your friends at events Luna brought you to.
"Yes! And this one takes place in Ponyville! You'll be able to see-"
"What kind of event?" You deliberately cut her off before she can say the mare's name. You didn't want the conversation to end up with Luna talking about her, just like Cadence does.
"It's a fighting tournament."
"Fighting? What kind of fighting?"
"It's called 'Ring Fighting'" Luna explains. "Two fighters must wear large, cushioned gloved and they are only allowed to punch. There are three rounds, each lasting three minutes. The first one to knock the other out before the end of the third round wins!"
"Oh. Boxing." You say.
"Box-ing? What does fighting have to do with boxes?" Luna asks. You slap your palm to your forehead. Not because she didn't understand why it was called Box-ing, but because you should have expected a response like that from her.
"It's because..." You stop for a moment. You could explain that it is because the fighting area is a box, but you're sure that it'll lead to more questions and less sleep for you. "-I, uh, actually don't know."
"See, it does not make any sense." Luna says. You're thankful she leaves it at that.
"So, Captain Lullaby told you to sign me up for a boxi-I mean 'Ring Fighting'-tournament in Ponyville?"
"Yes! Both she and I have seen you train with the guard. Although you do not fight the way expected in the sport, it shall be fairly quick to show you the techniques."
"How long until the first fight?"
"Two weeks. If you accept this, we leave for Ponyville tommorrow. You shall train with Lance and Lullaby when we get there."
"Lance is comming too?"
"Yes, Lance has personally trained with you. Lullaby thinks it will be wise to bring him as well."
You can understand that line of reasoning. "So, if I say yes, everything is in place and we leave tommorrow?"
"Yes. I shall also accompany you there. However, once the train reaches the station in Ponyville, I must attend to personal matters. You, along with Lance and Lullaby, will make your way to the local inn, where a room will be reserved for you. Once there, you are free to spend time in Ponyville however you see fit. The only requirement is you actually show up to the tournament."
If you spend at least three hours training with Lullaby and Lance, you feel you'll be able to grasp the technique fairly quickly. It would just take a lot of focus and mental energy to get through it. Also, if you win this tournament, that will be a great eye-opener for Shining Armor.
"All-right, I'll do it."
"Oh, joy! Be ready to leave by noon." Luna exclaims. You quickly look back to your room. You only had three sets of clothes, and a few miscellaneous items. Everything else was just furniture.
"I'll meet you at the station."
"Sleep well, human!" She said. You wave her goodbye and go back to bed.
NEED SHINNING HEAD CAVES IN NOW
Shining Armor.
Target Acquired.
reactiongifs.com/r/flme.gif
WHAT THE FUCK WHY DOES EVERY WRITER ON THIS SITE NEED TO KEEP THE NAME OF THE MAIN CHARACTER A FUCKING SECRET!!!! No but really wtf i dont get it
Ooh, can I submit my OC? It'll be my first time contributing a character! Should I just send you a PM with the details?
4848670 o.o;; It's....uh...second person. You are the main character. o.o;; Please calm down.
The Big Show from WWE:
usanetwork.com/sites/usanetwork/files/styles/person_cover/public/wwe_profiles_hero_bigshow.jpg?itok=SwJGCrn1
Make it happen, and make him a bear.
4848670 would you like him to be called anymys...wait how do i spell it?
being a MMA fighter in the making this seems odd
i don't remember there being belts unless you're talking about BJJ or you're pulling a Machida and taking up Karate.
bowing seems pretty odd too, it's usually just a touch gloves, fist touch, and then probably a hug post fight
that and i always considered it more of a western art than eastern
at the moment it seems more like karate or wushu the way you portray it, but i'll let it slide since this is the very first thing i've seen to resemble a MMA fic in anyway, shape or form
all in all, chapter 1 seems okay, though labeling my arms would've painted a more vivid picture, that's not a very big issue.
oh i like this. not mentioning or forcing a name onto the reader gives it a more immersive feel. well done.
i also like that you haven't exposed the special mare yet. will keep the readers attention
all in all, not much of a fan of the short chapters, could try to buff it up to maybe 1500 per chapter or somewhere along that range? But it's good. you have me intrigued.
4848720 seconded
4849079 I decided to say "MMA" because I didn't want to say "Keichu-Do" or "Jui-Jutsu" because not everyone is familiar with a specific style. But yea, maybe MMA wasn't the right word to use.
4848904 Anonymous?
4849342 Nah. It's fine. MMA never did refer to the big three and the big three only anyways. Though I would've specified which styles.
but hey that's just me
4849382 Well, an issue I came across is that I am only really familiar with Keichu-Do, since that's the style I myself learned for the past 15 years. My sensei's uncle was the one that developed that style, and you already know first-hand that there's a huge disadvantage of my ability to describe arm positions. But yea, the MMA and Karate thing will only be that detailed in the first chapter. I don't plan on bringing that style of fighting up ... ... ... unless something happens ... ... ...
4848720 Thirded.
-Spirit
4849370 Thank you :3
Seems kind of short in terms of plot and stuff...
4850536 The plot hasn't even started o.o;;
4850539
Ok, but even so, shouldn't there be more depth?
4850541 -Shrug- Probably.
Dashie's quite hot in that cover art.
A couple of things annoy me about this story,
1. The character having no name despite it's not an Anon story.
Seriously, are you afraid of picking a bad name or is this an insert the reader type thing? I prefer characters with names. I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't like this.
2. The guy putting his own species down and not sticking up for himself.
I don't like how the guy has supposedly been bullied but goes on and gets a black belt and doesn't get any confidence from it at all. Kinda shows that he's a bit spineless and I don't like that in HiEs. For example, when Captain Lullaby asks him if all humans fight like him, he puts his own people down, then proceeds to get angry by glaring at her despite the fact he gave her the impression humans can't fight!!! I mean, is he surprised she reacted that way? He can intimidate her but not Shining Armor? C'mon!!
And he still got picked on for learning martial arts?! Okay, I can see some people having a hard time but if I was picking on someone and I knew they were learning martial arts and got pretty efficient at it, I'd reconsider twice before bullying someone like that. Why this guy doesn't have a history of beating these folks up or have any confidence at all is beyond me.
3. Misleading the romance interest's identity.
This is my biggest complaint, it's 4 chapters in and we still have no clue who the hell this mare is. At first you made it seem that it was Redheart because it's the only mare he's seen connecting with on a personal level. If there's romance in an HiE, I really like to root for the ship, but I can't do that if I don't know who the hell it is! Seriously, what is Redheart's role in this? Is she just a minor friend?
I also thought it was going to be the Captain Lullaby after you mentioned it wasn't Redheart but I got that one wrong again. Is she going to be a mystery until he goes to Ponyville? Really irks me when I don't know what the hell the ship is. Please don't make it an OC, that will make me flip my shit.
On a positive side, I like this story, I want to see this guy succeed and prove them all wrong, especially Shining Armor. I kinda understand why he's acting the way he is, I mean, got ambushed by an unknown species on his wedding day and almost lost his wife and friends and family. Then a new species comes along and he's paranoid and feels he needs to be superior. At least that's what I think.
Anyway, keep writing. Can't wait to see the next update.
4855050 its second person. By not choosing a name for us, it gives us more immersion.
As for martial arts, not many people take the classics seriously. Even other MMA fighters, boxers and any mainstream combat artist will tell you that anything that isn't BJJ, Wrestling, Boxing, Muay Thai or Judo isn't effective. Though I think is absolutely not the case, many others do.
As for the anonymous love interest, it helps keep readers interested
4855050 I normally don't try to defend my writing to the scale you have, since most of these questions are going to be answered soon. But anyway. 1) It's second person: stated in the description. 2) He isn't putting himself down. He is accepting the reality that, biologically, he does not have the strength the average pony has. Also, he is extremely tired. That may have something to do with his thought pattern. I do not plan on writing the protagonist as a brooding depressed person. 3) There's two reasons for misleading the romance. Lastly, you cannot deny that the style of fighting he is using. (I made it vague, but it is SOME form of martial arts) is viewed in the public eye as a form of entertainment. Even so, it CAN be used in combat. 1) It's really fun to lead the audience. 2) I had (key word: HAD) no idea who I wanted to be the romance. It was down to 2 ponies and I was getting thoughts and submitting test chapters to see who was more interesting. The romance will be revealed in the next chapter.
And yet the previous chapter stated he was above average in nearly every field on the physical.
I suggest you make up your mind, because this guy needs to grow a pair.
4855627 When the physical said he is above average, that was after taking into the account the difference in species. It's like, let's say there is an ant that can lift 1 pound (idk the scale, just work with it for a second). He is a pretty strong ant compared to the others. However, when you compare him to the lifting ability of an eagle. The ant is still above average, but weaker to the eagle....wait, why am I comparing eagles and ants? Think about actual humans and horses. Really freaking strong humans can't hold a candle to the strength horses have.
You alienated a lot of readers there.
Did the hearing chapter dissapear for anyone else?
4856724 I removed it. Re-doing it entirely.
4856727 Ah a blog post about it would've been nice.
4857030 People read those? I wasn't aware.
4855251 Considering how he beat the Guard with ease, he seems to have learned well and is effective with it. I don't consider that a valid reasoning, at least not with this story. The guy should have some form of confidence, which is not what I'm seeing. I mean that's the reason he learned it in the first place is said in chapter 3.
4856055 And they wonder why I said he's acting spineless. Hasn't alienated me but isn't making me happy, especially when this story has potential.
4855372
1. Fair enough.
2. Wait! Then why was he happy about the numbers when he saw his file? Do you mean average earth pony? I went back and read the chapters. He's happy that the numbers says he's above average compared to stallions but it doesn't specify and you removed the part where it says the the earth ponies are stronger than him. This is really conflicting with what you're telling me.
3. I see, well I'm still wondering to the hell it is. You should make it Derpy for the hell of it.
4857842 I am telling you stuff that was pre-edit. I redid two chapters now. I hope it makes sense, and I promise the next chapter you meet the love interest and the one after that starts the fighting tournaments
4858102 It does make sense, and I hope you don't think I'm being mean. I like this story and I want to see it keep going. I'm a sucker for romance so I hope the mare will be awesome.
4858218 I don't think you're being mean ^.^
4858235 Glad to know that you don't think I am. Offer accepted.
Hey everyone, I apologize it's taking a while for this next chapter. It is actually done except for one last paragraph. It's just that college started yesterday and I woke up this morning with strip throat. I will try to finish it by next week.
4889189 To answer your question, I actually skipped that sentence because I couldn't find the right words, and since I (honestly) hardly ever proofread before posting, I didn't remember to look back and fix the mistake. XD I proofread my stuff now, and I have an awesome editor behind me to fix mistakes.
I could not do that.