"Come on guys! We wouldn't want to be late!", Rainbow Dash hastily remarked on the way to the Ponyville Train Station.
"Don't be so impatient, Rainbow Dash," Twilight replied. "We'll get there soon enough."
The rest of their friends stayed quiet in hopeful anticipation. Rainbow Dash nodded her head in agreement at her friend's response. They were on their way to the Grand Galloping Gala, showing off their more luxurious attire on their way to Canterlot. None of them wanted to miss the afternoon train. If they did, they would have to trudge through the soggy terrain, for it had been raining substantially for the past 2 days, but luckily stopped just before noon. They wouldn't mind walking in good weather, but they would much rather stay as dry as they could.
The six ponies and Spike were within yards of the platform when they heard the skidding of the trains metal brakes from just up the tracks. The train came grinding to a halt in front of the station, where multiple ponies were standing, preparing to attend the Gala.
The Mane 6, accompanied by a surprisingly mute Spike, as well as Derpy and Trixie, were just some of the several ponies who filed onto the train when it had come to a complete stop. Luckily, the majority of the ponies on the platform elected to sit in the train cars that were positioned closer towards the engine, while the nine of them choose to be seated in the second to last available car.
As they walked onto the train car, Rainbow Dash saw one of the other ponies entering another train car got her elegant dress torn when she got it caught on a rouge screw jutting out of the door, and didn't notice it until the sound of tearing fabric was heard. She then spun around and sternly shouted "SHIT!!" Rainbow Dash felt blood run down her tongue from biting down on her lip so hard to keep from laughing.
She looked overhead before walking on to the train just in time to see a chariot so high above the ground that is was almost impossible to see. She figured it was being carried to what she would assume to be the Gala. Right before she walked on, she thought she heard a lock unlatching.
They had expected to see mostly of well-dressed ponies, and although there were several ponies who were, they were spread out enough so the group could sit in the same section. Rainbow noticed that one of the windows was wide open, and she wondered why, as it had been raining earlier.
Nothing to keep it up, she mused after trying and failing to shove it closed.
Looking around, Rainbow Dash faintly heard somepony in another booth whisper to another, "There's Ponyville's fastest flyer." She beamed at the title.
As they sat down, she noticed that Fluttershy was quietly humming to the tune of 'Equestrian Pie', By Don McClain, which was somewhat odd. She looked out the window, hoping to see plant life and skies, but was met with the simple image of water droplets wearily inching there way down from the roof onto the window from the rain earlier. A large screech was heard as all the doors simultaneously shut close, signaling the train's preparation of leaving the station to continue on to the Gala. They all smiled as the train jerked forward. They were on their way.
There was a splash, and the train jerked back and forth for a couple of seconds, but then steadied again and went right on through. Everypony in the car looked around them to see nothing was affected in the least bit, and quietly returned to there reading or silent murmuring or whatever they had been doing prior. The Mane 6 and Spike realized when they looked at each other that they all had scared looks on there faces. After a couple of seconds, they began to chuckle about it, as if an awkward joke was just told.
"You should have seen the look on your face, Rarity." Twilight snickered, seemingly to break the uncomfortable silence. "Me!?", Rarity squawked, in a joking manner. "I wasn't the only one who-" BANG!
All the ponies on board were thrown forward as the train stopped unexpectedly. They lay there in shock, not expecting the slam into the walls or ceiling. Then the room began turning. Several ponies were even flown from the car, breaking the windows as they flown into them.
The once open window was now slamming open and shut every time it flipped. Pinkie Pie was thrown right next to the window, as it slammed shut again-only this time with Pinkie Pie's throat directly in it's path. It sliced through her neck like a knife through hot butter, blood covering the window as her decapitated body continued to be thrown around the cabin like all other ponies, spewing blood everywhere.
Rainbow Dash luckily managed to grab hold of one of the booths, and she hung on for dear life. The entire time, Twilight was trying to make something with her magic, but wasn't able to do so. Then everyone heard the sound of metal ripping from metal. Anyone who could looked over at the door to see it hanging on by only a single hinge, ready to fly off of the wall, and they all hoped it would fly away from the train. It didn't. It flew off and straight towards Twilight, who was unable to move in time. It sliced through her and headed towards Rarity. It's momentum was slowed down significantly, and so didn't cut through her, but it did hit her into a seat at such an angle that it broke her neck.
All the ponies were still getting tossed around the car, dead or alive. Then, Rainbow Dash witnessed Twilight's upper body fly right into Derpy's chest, with her horn penetrating her skin and puncturing her heart, killing her instantly. She saw Applejack fly out of the train through a window previously broken by another pony, only to suddenly see a splatter of red fluids materialize on the front window, and with the faintly orange patches engulfed in blood clinging to the window, it had to be Applejack.
With the train car flipping so much, structural damage was appearing throughout the train car, none was more visible then the large piece of metal roofing that was about to collapse. It finally fell and crushed the unfortunately placed Trixie and Spike almost simultaneously.
Rainbow Dash was in so much horror at all she had just witnessed that she lost grip of the booth and flew right into Fluttershy, pushing them both right out of a previously smashed window. They landed far from the train, in a field, and watched as the train continued rolling, though slower. Shock, adrenaline, and fear coursed through them as they just looked at one another.
Rainbow tried to speak, or even to smile as if to say, 'we're alive', but she could do neither. She was to mortified and grief stricken. Just at that moment, one of the metal wheels flew off of the oh so nearly motionless train car, but had just enough force to fly off and start rolling at a high speed. And it rolled right in the direct path of Fluttershy's head. Rainbow tried to scream for her friend, but nothing would come out. No sound could escape. She could do nothing but watch as her one remaining friend's head was crushed under the enormous force of the wheel, splattering her blood all over Rainbow Dash's face. She had tears in her eyes as her one remaining friend was lost. She closed her eyes and put her head down, as tears began to form on her cheeks.
At that moment, she heard a faint whistling noise, as if something was falling. She looked over to the train, and saw no movement from the totaled train car. She happened to look up just in time to see a large chariot wheel coming straight for her. She simply closed her eyes, and waited for her fate to be sealed.
Seconds before striking, she felt the same stone cold chill run down the entire length of her body. Right at the moment of impact, she opened her eyes, to see the train pulling into the station.
And her friends by her side.
The Twisted Brony,
While the concept isn't original (like you stated), besides the some of the grammar issues, "The Premonition Scene" wasn't exactly well executed since I think it lacked (but wasn't missing) in hints towards what might possibly go wrong and how each pony might die in the opening scene. Therefore, you missed the chance to build up the suspense of what is going to happen and making your reader guess the series of events that occur during the opening major accident that kills the Mane 6.
To the story's credit though, it does a fine job with writing the scenery and mood (although brought on a-bit harsh) of the atmosphere.
Overall, it's not a "terrible" attempt, but not exactly "good" as well. To which, I say you need to find an good editor to help you out with this story. In the meanwhile, it's going to get hit with down votes for "lack of originally" and "unnecessary character deaths..." sadly.
I would like to help by writing my own comment of criticism, but JR Black Wing pretty much covered everything for me. Since its your first story, and it does look like you've put effort into this, I won't downvote it. I'll just simply leave this comment suggesting you take what JR Black Wing says and learn all you can for it.
There's certainly hope for you yet. Keep writing and take criticism seriously, and you'll eventually get better and better. Good Luck.
ouch
slicing me up on this edge m8
Alright...this isn't that bad at all. Granted the train premonition here is cliche in the MLP horror world (trust me my second fic was a Final Destination fic with a very similar premonition). Some helpful advice is to take the deaths and add a lot more detail. Where Twiligt gets sliced in half, add in things about her internal organs falling out and the blood. Also try I extend the deaths further, maybe making them more ironic or unexpected than simple. Maybe with Twilight instead of having her simply sliced in half, maybe have it slice partway through her to where it keeps her alive until whatever blew her upper torso into Derpy happens.
I'm not saying change it, but I'm saying extend the scenes and making the deaths more ironic and greusome . Other than that I am kinda looking forward to what you can come up with...all I really came up with for mine is killing Pinkie with a mirror ball...so I hope that ou can think of awthimg better for the individual deaths, and remember to keep the "deaths list" and cheating death aspects alive!
Grammar. Other than that, it's not too bad. Revise and improvise. :)
Your short description is
That is completely useless to people who haven't seen Final Destination.
4822142 I definitely understand what you're saying. I should have thought harder about that, but I didn't think at the time that it would be so important. . . don't ask me why, but I didn't. So, I appreciate the criticism, thank you for the line about good scenery and mood, and I'll take what you said to heart, and make sure I use it.
4822240 I will, and I do take criticism seriously, so I will make sure that I use all the advice I can get.
4822502 I know that it's not exactly original, but a train is the most ideal place for a disaster in Equestria, since other possible means of disasters, like what happened in the 5 movies, for example, don't even exist, or at least are never mentioned. I'm definitely adding more detail in the individual deaths, since I'll have more to work with that could be more original, and focusing on only one pony at a time, in most cases. And don't worry. "The List", and cheating death are definitely going to be woven into the plot of the story.
4823189 That's true, but I just figured everyone has seen it. I don't even know why I wrote that. Cause if I'm a reader looking for a good story to read, and I read that description, it definitely doesn't scream READ ME. But I see you're point about people not seeing the movie before being confused.
You've made the classic mistake of mixing up your there, their, and they're, but other than that this seems enjoyable to me and I can't wait for more.
Have a nice day. You have talent, and I can't wait to see you progress as an author.
Well, so far it's good and faithful to the original material. The deaths are tragic, quick and gore as hell, so the spirit of Final Destination id definitely here.
About the MLP side, well. Rainbow is mostly well characterized, a bit quiet but none too far from canon. The rest need more characterization, I guess we'll see that in further chapters. Also, Derpy and Trixie need a reason for being there beyond being just 'cannon fodder' for dying. For example, how did Derpy managed to get into the Gala? Why is Trixie around the Mane Six as if nothing happened between them? Where is Dinky?
One final thought: I can't help to think that Fluttershy's death would be more fitting for Trixie, you know, a wheel.