I stood at the edge of the pool,speechless and shocked,with my reflection doing just the same,showing a copper-haired, unicorn with huge round glasses and a crystallized horn.I turned my head to see the rest of my body. Great,just great,I had blue colored hooves,and a bright fuchsia tail,like any of those characteristics would call any attention. Snivy and Tepig were still laughing their heads off,which worsened my current condition.
"S-Sorry,it's just...you're so hilarious!"Snivy exclaimed and their laughter died down.
"But,where exactly are we?"asked Tepig,looking at the sky and sniffing around.
"We're in Equestria,or in hater language,where that baby show about ponies takes place in."I answered.
"Equestria? You know this place?"asked Snivy,fortunately he wasn't laughing anymore.
Okay,okay,I admit it,I like My Little Pony,and please,I beg for you readers to keep this a secret to everybody,cause half the people that hate me will try to find a way to humiliate me,so please keep this a secret,okay? Thank you.
"It's from this show that I like in my world,and it's really big,"I explained.
"Ohhhh,"said Snivy.
"How big is it exactly?"asked Tepig.
Urgh...Why do these guys want to know every little detail about every single world we go to?
"You have Ponyville,which is like the town before the big city,and also where most fans of the show would live in.Then you got Canterlot,which is the capital and where the 2 main rulers of the land live.Then you have other towns like Appleloosa,other big cities like Manehattan,the Crystal Empire etc.And that in an nutshell is Equestria explained in 10 seconds."
I sighed as I finished the sentence,as you can see,explaining a huge kingdom as simply as possible is pretty tough.
"But how are we going to find our way out of this world?"asked Snivy. Suddenly,my horn started to spark,and suddenly my head turned around to a town in the distance.
"Oh no..."I moaned.
"The way out of this world is somewhere in beyond that town,right?"asked Tepig.
"Eeyup..."I replied,"We...are going to need to find a way to sneak around the town,and there's this unconformable feeling on my sides..."
"Now that I think about it,I think you might call too much attention,so...how about we disguise your odd colors a bit?"asked Snivy.
Tepig decided to hide the color of my tail with a Smog,but suddenly I realized that I had a blank flank.After the colors were disguised,I pulled my shirt all the way to my flank.
"Okay,so I think we're ready to go through Ponyville,so here's the trick,we try to scurry by,then we find the portal,then we're out of here!"I said.
"So that town is Ponyville?"asked Tepig,"Hmm,seems legit."So,we dashed our way to Ponyville,and we had no idea on what a long day we were going to have.
Great, another one.
Yeah, that's no excuse. We'll judge you based on the effort you put in the story, so far I see nothing.
*sigh* So how do I improve this story WITHOUT having to take out some important characters,because I don't really want to have a bad time with Pokemon haters.
4820680 Well,it's not exactly a crossover since the only Pokemon are a Snivy,a Tepig,and 6 others,but I really can't tell when is it appropriate to place the crossover tag.*sigh* Man people don't like this one...
4820707 Oh...hmm...hehe... Well,at least it's going up a little. and so here's a dancing Mudkip. static.fjcdn.com/gifs/So_5e9e75_2459792.gif
4820669 first off you can make the chapters bigger, at least 1000+ words
For future reference, not spacing after punctuations is not considered 'personal flare' or 'personal style'. It's just terrible punctuation. (At least you didn't write it out with randomized capitalization, as one submitter did, making it unreadable. Sabotaged their own story from the start.) Plus, being able to type it out on to a screen is even less of an excuse to pre-edit than typing it out on paper (Not everyone can, or will, catch everything, but try to at least put in the effort.)
4820839 Yeah...I'm going to try and make em longer, so here's a Falcon Puch collision.
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7148266752/hDA308AD6/
4820884 I'm not so good at this,I need more practice and stuff...
Okay, I'm only liking this because the meme references made me laugh. But please, don't give up. You'll get better at writing with practice.
4820669 some of us look for more detail (see wut I did there) on the matter if it continues make sure not too be an idiot of ur self and that's putting it bluntly keep trying I'm tagging u btw get more ppl teh like this have a famed youtuber teh read ur stuff<:)
You should go back over the chapters you have already posted and edit them, to fix any mistakes that you see or that have been pointed out. If you have are having trouble with the editing process, then you should try to find someone to help you edit and proof-read it.
I love the idea behind the story by the way.