The Sparkle family are going on vacation. While family holidays are often difficult, Twilight knows this one is going to be particularly bad. Mostly because her father doesn't.
4925597 If I had a good enough reason to name a chapter Disco 2000 I'd do it in a heartbeat. 'Babies' too. I've managed to get most of their best ones covered though, with my all-time favourite coming up next!
Oh wow~ A better second chapter than I was guessing, and I loved how things didn't stay centered around the central problem of Twilight loving her Dad in a romantic way. Like, the hilarious sibling rivalry between Shining and Twilight. I really hope we can see more of that in the future.
Mmmm~ I like that Twilight is finally going to tell him, as I'm curious as to what Night Light's reaction is going to be. I hold out hope that it won't turn out into a Father-Daughter romantic relationship, but I'm interested either way, no matter what he may say.
Spelling and grammar is good too, as I've seen no glaringly obvious mistakes that broke fluency. I like the pacing set here as well, not so fast that things get confusing, and not so slow that it becomes tedious getting from one scene to the next. If it's not any trouble, could we get some tips on setting a good pace?
Thanks~ and keep up the good work~!! I look forward to Chapter 3
Their marriage really seems stable despite the fact that he cheated. I think this is going to end unrequited and maybe shatter the family. Let's watch...
Oh Twilight. Trying to steal your father from your own mother, you might not realize it but that's what you're doing. You're going to hate yourself. I also feel really bad for Velvet, all this shit is about to explode in her face and she's done nothing wrong.
4926827 Very doubtful, I've seen an orgy of the Sparkle family but I think it should be left out of this. I want to see how this damn thing will blowup.
4925803 Oh, well, I don't think I'm anywhere near decent enough to be giving advice, but I'll try because I'm a sucker for talking about craft. It'll mostly be regurgitating stuff I've heard, though. I think the trick with pacing is largely just one of variety. No-one wants to read a story that's stuck in the same gear the whole time, whether that's fast- or slow-paced. A story that's moving too slowly becomes boring, but If it stays fast for too long it can literally exhaust the reader. So when a story is called "fast-paced", I generally take that to mean it has more fast scenes than slow ones, rather than just being fast all the time.
Changing the pace of a scene is done not just by moving the plot forwards at different speeds, but also by word choice and sentence structure. Detailed, flowery sentences and descriptions slow the scene down, while short, punchy things move it on. Part of the reason I enjoy writing clop so much is because the whole scene becomes just a massive rush of emotion and all these feelings the character's experiencing and it's crazy and sensual and just so much damn fun to write. Long, flowing sentences like that are perfect for that sort of thing, without any commas slowing the whole thing down.
Knowing when to change is a bit more difficult, but really that's just one that comes with practice. Reading a lot is what helped me, and then applying what you've read to your own writing. You kind of absorb how pacing should be done almost intuitively, and when you come to read back your own stuff anything that's 'off' should jump right out, and hopefully you'll be better at setting the pace even as you write. You should trust your gut when it comes to it, too. More than once I've had my editor pull me up on pacing that's a little off, because I knew full well something was wrong there but hoped no-one would notice rather than have to add extra scenes.
And finally, even in slower scenes, stuff should be happening (be it plot or characterisation). I could really break apart this chapter to show what I mean, but that would take too long and require way too long a comment. The major slower scenes are the flashback and the bit with Shining, but in both of them it hopefully doesn't feel too stationary because things are still going on, and also because it's clear there's a build-up to some coming climax. Dialogue in particular gives the feeling of stuff happening, too, even when in pure terms of events it's pretty stand-still.
TL;DR: Change your words to change how the scene flows, change the scene to have variety, read a lot.
4927862 A fair point, but bear in mind the only character's perspective we've seen so far is Twilight's, and naturally she's doing her hardest not to think about that. There's nothing about how the other characters will view it.
4930639 Nope! I honestly don't believe this needs one. While I'd readily admit it's a darker romance than something like Xenophilia or others like that, the Dark tag has a ton of other connotations that aren't really relevant here. It's a romance story through and through.
I guess the cheating may make some more inclined to have a dark tag, but all things considered I don't think this story even touches the depths most dark stories go to, or what people would expect if I tagged it that way.
This was an awesome chapter ... glad how the sex part is not the main focus ...
I don't believe Velvet will find out ..
Twilight confess to her father Night Light tries to convince her that feeling that is wrong. Twilight tries to kiss or touch him He hugs her and she tries to kiss him again She tries to rape him (lol) She sucks him off they are interrupted by somepony's noise and then Twilight teleports somewhere and Night light to another place
I like how twilight is just like well he was there to I mean I was the only one who knew what was going on and instead of stopping I kept quite but no this is totally on the both of us. Also something that really kinda puts me off about gag stuff is that if you make an uhuh sound even gaged it's pretty much universally understood combining that with massive amounts of struggling and fighting could easily have made the original situation stop I mean I get it I'm being to nitpicky but meh sue me I thought about it too deeply.
ooooh I like where this is going
OOOO BOY! HERE WE GO!!!! -grabs popcorn- anyone want some?
This cliffhanger wins all of my yes. Expect me to be checking my fav's as such:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/12/15/183671__safe_solo_pinkie+pie_animated_wonderbolts+academy_mailbox_happyface_sadface.gif
is it sad that i purely read this for the plot, and haven't even gotten a erection from it?
I have both the horrible feeling this won't end well, and at the same time, the fantastic feeling that It will end sexily.
4925497
What's wrong with that? Its a good story. You can "enjoy" the perv'y parts later.
4925466 Ooo! Me me me me me!
Calmly waiting for the chapter named "Disco 2000", unless you would rather use "Sorted for E's & Wizz" first.
4925466 Gimme!
4925475
Agh, I loved that bit. Pinkie is too damn adorable.
4925497
Well, I don't think so, but I may be a little biased...
4925531
The Sparkle Gambit!
4925597
If I had a good enough reason to name a chapter Disco 2000 I'd do it in a heartbeat. 'Babies' too. I've managed to get most of their best ones covered though, with my all-time favourite coming up next!
Oh wow~ A better second chapter than I was guessing, and I loved how things didn't stay centered around the central problem of Twilight loving her Dad in a romantic way. Like, the hilarious sibling rivalry between Shining and Twilight. I really hope we can see more of that in the future.
Mmmm~ I like that Twilight is finally going to tell him, as I'm curious as to what Night Light's reaction is going to be. I hold out hope that it won't turn out into a Father-Daughter romantic relationship, but I'm interested either way, no matter what he may say.
Spelling and grammar is good too, as I've seen no glaringly obvious mistakes that broke fluency. I like the pacing set here as well, not so fast that things get confusing, and not so slow that it becomes tedious getting from one scene to the next. If it's not any trouble, could we get some tips on setting a good pace?
Thanks~ and keep up the good work~!! I look forward to Chapter 3
AT what point is there gonna be more poon?
Their marriage really seems stable despite the fact that he cheated. I think this is going to end unrequited and maybe shatter the family. Let's watch...
Their marriage is gonna crash worse than the fuckin titanic if Velvet happens to find out.
Omg don't let us down!!!!!!!!!
4926320 Well, we don't know that for sure...
But we totally know that for sure.
4926343 I'll give 'em a day, most likely less.
Oh Twilight. Trying to steal your father from your own mother, you might not realize it but that's what you're doing. You're going to hate yourself. I also feel really bad for Velvet, all this shit is about to explode in her face and she's done nothing wrong.
This is going to explode badly...
4925849 Probably a Shining Cadence scene for the lulz and then the shit hits the fan.
4926818
There should be a damed orgy between the whole family
I have issues...
4926827 Very doubtful, I've seen an orgy of the Sparkle family but I think it should be left out of this. I want to see how this damn thing will blowup.
What I want to see:
She tells him
He is disgusted
She rapes him
Velvet walks in
4925803
Oh, well, I don't think I'm anywhere near decent enough to be giving advice, but I'll try because I'm a sucker for talking about craft. It'll mostly be regurgitating stuff I've heard, though. I think the trick with pacing is largely just one of variety. No-one wants to read a story that's stuck in the same gear the whole time, whether that's fast- or slow-paced. A story that's moving too slowly becomes boring, but If it stays fast for too long it can literally exhaust the reader. So when a story is called "fast-paced", I generally take that to mean it has more fast scenes than slow ones, rather than just being fast all the time.
Changing the pace of a scene is done not just by moving the plot forwards at different speeds, but also by word choice and sentence structure. Detailed, flowery sentences and descriptions slow the scene down, while short, punchy things move it on. Part of the reason I enjoy writing clop so much is because the whole scene becomes just a massive rush of emotion and all these feelings the character's experiencing and it's crazy and sensual and just so much damn fun to write. Long, flowing sentences like that are perfect for that sort of thing, without any commas slowing the whole thing down.
Knowing when to change is a bit more difficult, but really that's just one that comes with practice. Reading a lot is what helped me, and then applying what you've read to your own writing. You kind of absorb how pacing should be done almost intuitively, and when you come to read back your own stuff anything that's 'off' should jump right out, and hopefully you'll be better at setting the pace even as you write. You should trust your gut when it comes to it, too. More than once I've had my editor pull me up on pacing that's a little off, because I knew full well something was wrong there but hoped no-one would notice rather than have to add extra scenes.
And finally, even in slower scenes, stuff should be happening (be it plot or characterisation). I could really break apart this chapter to show what I mean, but that would take too long and require way too long a comment. The major slower scenes are the flashback and the bit with Shining, but in both of them it hopefully doesn't feel too stationary because things are still going on, and also because it's clear there's a build-up to some coming climax. Dialogue in particular gives the feeling of stuff happening, too, even when in pure terms of events it's pretty stand-still.
TL;DR: Change your words to change how the scene flows, change the scene to have variety, read a lot.
The one thing I dislike about this story is that the characters seem to be ignoring the the fact that this is adultery.
4927862
A fair point, but bear in mind the only character's perspective we've seen so far is Twilight's, and naturally she's doing her hardest not to think about that. There's nothing about how the other characters will view it.
No 'Dark' tag...?
4925466 I can't believe it's butter
4930639
Nope! I honestly don't believe this needs one. While I'd readily admit it's a darker romance than something like Xenophilia or others like that, the Dark tag has a ton of other connotations that aren't really relevant here. It's a romance story through and through.
I guess the cheating may make some more inclined to have a dark tag, but all things considered I don't think this story even touches the depths most dark stories go to, or what people would expect if I tagged it that way.
This was an awesome chapter ... glad how the sex part is not the main focus ...
I don't believe Velvet will find out ..
Twilight confess to her father
Night Light tries to convince her that feeling that is wrong.
Twilight tries to kiss or touch him
He hugs her and she tries to kiss him again
She tries to rape him (lol)
She sucks him off
they are interrupted by somepony's noise and then Twilight teleports somewhere and Night light to another place
Wow... I must read more
Oh man, I hope Velvet finds out. I love that kind of drama. Classic drama, good stuff.
the final line was a good twist on her fathers lesson, i like it.
This is so depravedly, deliciously wrong. Yessssss.
4952441 The Princess of Love is there. Best case scenario, family orgy!
That... may seriously be the hottest line in any clopfic I've ever read. So much is implied by it that it just ... unf. That is all.
I like how twilight is just like well he was there to I mean I was the only one who knew what was going on and instead of stopping I kept quite but no this is totally on the both of us. Also something that really kinda puts me off about gag stuff is that if you make an uhuh sound even gaged it's pretty much universally understood combining that with massive amounts of struggling and fighting could easily have made the original situation stop I mean I get it I'm being to nitpicky but meh sue me I thought about it too deeply.
i.imgur.com/JkOzKst.gif