Rarity purchases contacts from overseas. They cost her 500 bits so the must be good. Right? Right?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yeah, sorry thought I had spell check on.
The details here are much better than in Fluttershy gets the Sharingan. We know what the characters are feeling and why they did certain things. The last story was more like a skeleton. It was a good skeleton that had everything where it needed to be, but there was a severe lack of the flesh and organs it would need to be called a complete body. The one thing it did have was heart as shown by your concern for how it turned out and how willing you were to correct your mistakes. It's good to see that it has carried over to this story.
One small problem that has carried over is the grammar. Just like before, it's never so bad that the story becomes hard to read, but there are still enough to be a bit distracting. I'm not including any spelling errors that seem to be the result of a spell-check feature. The most hilarious one I found in that category was this.
I didn't realize that Derpy was a computer virus the whole time. That does explain why she spread so quickly. I believe the word you were trying to use was 'mailmare.' Also, I don't think you need to emphasize Derpy's name here. I may be forgetting one of the more obscure rules of grammar when I say that, but there are enough of those things lying around to choke a whale.
The story itself is also pretty good. You could have copied the idea of the Sharingan appearing after Rarity went through a lot of stress, but this approach makes it feel like you're putting genuine effort in to keep the storyline/universe varied. That kind of thinking is important in making a crossover story work. A lazy writer trying to make a crossover story just seems like someone mixing up the elements of two shows they like in order to fulfill their own wishes instead of making a genuinely good story. I think I've established that you actually care about the quality of your work, so I don't think there will be much to worry about on this front. One thing I noticed is that the Sharingan has only shown things falling on someone's head whenever they cause a vision. Are we sure Fluttershy and Rarity haven't just acquired the Pinkie Sense and severely bloodshot eyes?
In short, this story is much better than the last. It seems to me like you're taking the elements that were flawed from the last story and trying to fix them before you go ahead and make a large central storyline. This is a good idea. The only way to improve is to practice, and this method keeps you from repeating the same mistakes when you get around to writing a larger storyline. The characters are in character, the situation is handled with a bit of creativity, and the details make it seem more complete. I only have one more thing to say; Sweetie's dry and knowing questioning of Rarity was hilarious. Dry humor is among the best humor. I look forward to the next update.
Thanks psychicbeagle. Honestly, I'm not sure why this one isn't as well received.
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I can imagine two reasons as to why fewer people read this one. The first is the change of who the central character is. The idea of Fluttershy, the most peaceful member of the Mane 6, getting one of the most destructive and painful abilities from media draws a few more curious readers than Rarity. People find it more intriguing when the character who goes through a painful experience is softer than those around them.
The second reason is an event I've named sequel decay. Readers check out the first story in the series in order to judge if it's one they would enjoy reading more of. The decay comes from the fact that not everyone who reads the first one will enjoy it, causing them to ignore any sequels or side stories posted for it. This keeps writers with potential from getting any better. I can see that there are problems with the story, but that's no excuse to walk away when it's clear that you simply need a small push in the right direction. I look forward to seeing how your writing improves and where the story will go from here.
Huh. Never thought of it that way. Mind helping me spread the word about this one? I was hoping to draw more readers, even though it's a sequel.
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I'm not the most persuasive of advertisers out there, but I'll see what I can do. The task gets considerably harder when the total count of friends in real life who watch the show is zero. Oh well, I always like a good challenge.
Thanks, friend. Anymore concerns? The next chapter should come out in about 4 days, I'm trying to write slower to get better emphasis on the story.
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The only concern I have is that the picture for Fluttershy gets the Sharingan is currently staring at me from the Stories column on the right. It's creepy if you look at it too long. Red eyes, right up there with dark areas and sharp teeth for childhood nightmare starters.
As far as I'm concerned, a longer wait for a better story is a good trade. Rushing things out too quickly is how some of the most infamous works became so hated (I'm looking at you Sonic 06.) Besides, some of the stories I've been waiting for updates on have been sitting for several months. If I can wait that long, four days won't be much time at all. I'll keep my eyes open for the update.
What about the Rinnegan? Also, the Byakugan is useful, imagine seeing an mudslide coming your way? Or a timberwolf? Heck, or finding someone lost in the everfree could become easier with the byakygan. As for the rinnegan, it's got a ton of power, and every single application could be used rather well.