Rarity purchases contacts from overseas. They cost her 500 bits so the must be good. Right? Right?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You did a decent job of keeping Dark Side away from some of the reasons people hate OC's so much, but there was one pitfall you stumbled into. Using "You didn't ask" as an excuse for why someone's only mentioning something now never really fits in dramatic settings. That explanation fits much better in comedic works where flawed story concepts are mocked constantly. The only way I know of where it can be used in a serious story without making the audience frustrated is if the character saying it is about as intelligent as the average brick.
On the other hand, the explanation he was trying to give to Fluttershy had a much better set up as to why she didn't know about him. You said that Candy Apple was a kind hearted pony as opposed to their father and grandfather. My guess is that she was able to take Fluttershy and run either when she was still a baby or before she was born at all. Dark Side was left behind and remained in the care of Fusaku and Madara, which explains his darker personality traits, his slightly more menacing (though a bit clichéd) name, and how he was able to use the Sharingan at the end of the chapter.
His fight (and I use that term loosely) against Celestia avoided the biggest problem people have with OC's. The most hated OC's are usually overpowered when compared to canon characters. A bad OC would have wiped the floor with Celestia and Luna at the same time. This fight displayed what would actually happen to an average pony who tried to fight her, that is to say getting demolished within the first ten seconds. You got past two of the three mistakes most people make while writing an OC. There are more mistakes that could still be made, but you seem to understand that they all revolve around keeping him balanced with the canon characters. Now we just need a few clear character flaws and he'll have made it past the biggest complaints thrown at characters like him.
The grammar follows the pattern of being good enough not to block the reader's understanding of the story while still being noticeable. The two biggest errors repeated throughout this chapter are capitalization where it doesn't need to be and mixing up the use of 'your' and 'you're.' I'll fully admit to making the second mistake on several occasions. Just remember that 'your' is the possessive term and 'you're' stands for 'you are.'
Now that the issues I had are out of the way, I did enjoy this chapter. The storyline is moving at a decent speed and I'm still curious where it will go from here. You could have perfect grammar and flawless storytelling techniques, but the deciding factor for whether a story succeeds or not is if the storyline can keep the audience's interest.
Don't forget that there are more techniques you could take from Naruto besides the eye-bound skills passed through bloodlines. I've narrowed the list of characters who could use a few of the techniques down quite a bit, but the only ones I've narrowed down to only one character are Naruto's Shadow Clone jutsu and Rock Lee's control over the Chakra Gates. I believe Pinkie would be best suited for use of the Shadow Clone jutsu due to the unique fighting style she used in the episode Power Ponies. She relied heavily on quick confusion tactics to defeat the hoard of mooks. This style of fighting would be amplified greatly with several Pinkie's acting at the same time.
The Chakra Gate control fits Rainbow better than any other character that comes to mind. Her fighting style relies on speed and brute force, a perfect match of Lee's combat skills in the anime. Giving her the technique that boosts the physical capabilities of its user seems like the best choice. The final decision of who gets what power (assuming that you use this idea at all) is up to you. I'll let you know if any other lists get narrowed down to only one or two characters.
I'm still enjoying this story greatly. Unfortunately, my efforts to persuade others into reading this story have been less than successful so far. I'll keep working at it, but don't expect massive results any time soon. I look forward to the next update.
In response, he only said so kinda for comic relief. He's more of a Manipulative character, but since he is somewhat based of me and a few of my favorite villains in video games, he has a comical side. People just don't like it much now as to the fight scene, I like it mostly because I was gonna originally have him banished to the moon, but then I thought that sounded kinda dumb considering only a god or goddess could survive up there. Oh yeah, others will have Naruto powers, trust me, but that's for another story. Well,maybe some this story.
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When you put it like that, I can kind of see how the excuse could work as a joke for a snarky jerk character. I suppose I'm used to characters with the Sharingan being cold and humorless at this point. The only one with both the Sharingan and a good sense of humor I've seen so far is Kakashi, but he only has one Sharingan eye. You can just consider the paragraph where I complained about it as me being hyper critical. May I ask who the villains you drew inspiration from are?
Well, they are from ace attorney. If you know what that is I could tell you easy.
Yeah, he's kinda a Kakashi guy. He's not always joking though, as seen in the last part. I guess you could say he's sort of a jerk. He kinda only cares about Rarity and anyone she's affiliated with, so he'll do whatever with anyone else so long as it furthers his goals.