The Shameless First Person Self-Insert

by sbloom85

Chapter V

When Cadance and Shining Armor approached us after the fair ended, she couldn't hold herself back and threw herself on me for a hug that took me to the ground. I remember the look he gave me as his wife was clutched to me, thanking me, nuzzling me. He was pissed, I'll give him that. How pissed he was, I don't even want to know. Thankfully, nothing bad happened between us, although if Cadance kept holding me, I would've gotten a stiffy and that would've pissed Rose off.

It's been a few days since the crystal fair, and maybe five minutes since the train stopped at Canterlot station. Everyone on the train knew I existed and it was about time the rest of Equestria did as well.

I was the first to leave the car. The door opened and at the front of the crowd were Celestia and Luna. The two walked up to me with warm smiles. “Welcome back, everypony. We assume everything went well.”

I nodded. “Better than I expected.”

Princesses Celestia and Luna walked to my side and turned to the crowd. “Everypony, allow me to introduce you to Scott Bloom.”

There were a lot of confused murmurs among the crowd. I didn't think anyone knew what to make of me. This creature was staying in the castle without them knowing I was there. I imagined any VIPs who saw me were even more shocked that they didn't run into me before.

I could imagine Blue Blood berating me simply because I wasn't a pony. And if he found out the help is in a relationship with said non-pony? He'd probably have a conniption fit. I'd pay to see that happen.

I took a bow and smiled. “I may not have actually toured Canterlot yet, but the castle's hospitality is spectacular, so I hope that we can get along.” God that was incredibly lame, but I couldn't think of anything better.

After my statement, Rose used her magic to take my hand. “Come on! I want to show you around.” I waved to three laughing princesses as she pulled me away.

The first place we stopped at was a small bakery. I looked up at a giant doughnut logo then to her. “I take it this is Joe's?” She smiled and nodded. She then trotted off, pulling me with her. I closed my eyes and started sobbing inside. All I wanted to do was relax, but I could understand why she wanted to give me a quick tour, I have been stuck inside Canterlot Castle for four months... I might as well just roll with it.

The next place we stopped at was what appeared to be an apartment building. I raised an eyebrow and looked at her in confusion. “Do you live here?” She nodded and walked to the building. Looks like I'll be seeing her place.

I followed her inside the building. Residential ceilings back home are usually about eight feet, but these were more like five and a half, just an inch shorter and my scalp would be grazing it. “Watch your head, Scotty.” No kidding. I followed her up a flight of stairs and any ponies that were outside looked at me and went in their apartment. “Don't worry about them, I'm sure they'll like you when they get to know you.”

We reached what I'm assuming is her apartment, apartment two-sixteen. Two-sixteen? Heh, I remembered a dream I had where I learned the code to disarming a bomb was that number. I Googled it later and came up with a lot of results, one of them got me to watch the movie Pi. That movie was weird as hell, but it was also interesting.

She opened up the door and beckoned me inside. “Come on in.” I nodded and followed her in. “Sorry about the mess, I've been so busy at the castle that I've been neglecting it.” I shrugged. It wasn't that bad, to be honest. My dad and I visited someone whose apartment was a lot more filthy. She trotted toward a good-sized sofa and cleared some stuff that was on it. “Have a seat, I'll get us some drinks.”

I nodded and took a seat while she trotted off into the kitchen. She had a very comfortable sofa and I wondered how comfortable it would be to lay on. I stretched out on it and let out a satisfied groan. Oh yeah, I could definitely sleep on this if she asked me to stay the night.

Not long after I stretched out, I heard a faint giggle. “Oh how adorable.” I looked back and here's Rose, carrying two... wine glasses? She walked up to the sofa and set the glasses down on the coffee table in front of it. “Don't move.” I didn't and she hopped up on my stomach. It was like having a fully grown Labrador jump on you. She giggled. “Sorry about that.” She kissed my forehead and smiled at me. “I guess I got a little carried away.” She looked back to the coffee table and floated the glasses toward us. “I ordered this from a Baltimare vineyard when we first met. It's not as good as their vintage wine, but it still leaves a wonderful taste on the palate.”

I wasn't big on wine, but I'll humor her. I took the glass and smelled the wine. It was quite sweet with an acidic hint to it. I finally took a swig of it and she was right, it did leave a wonderful taste. I'd imagine the grapes used to make this would make a seasoned wine tester cry in joy. “Rose... I haven't had much wine in the past, but this is by far the best I've had.”

She grinned. “I'm glad you enjoy it. What do you want to do for dinner? Do you want to go out or would you want me to bring something here?”

I stroked her mane and thought how nice it would be to go out for dinner. I suppose we should so ponies would get used to seeing me walking around their city. “Let's go out tonight.”

She giggled and kissed my forehead. “I was hoping you'd say that. I know a place that makes great pizza.”

I let out an intrigued hum and smiled. “I haven't had pizza in a while. What were you thinking?”

We finished our wine and she put the glasses on the coffee table. “They have a four cheese pizza that is to die for.”

I continued stroking her mane and let out a content sigh. “Sounds wonderful, but I'd like to get a little rest first.”

She lowered her head on my chest and quietly moaned. “As would I.”

---

I wasn't sure how long we sat there, but I snapped back to reality at the sound of some knocking on the door. She gently climbed off and gave me a peck on the forehead. “I'll go see who it is.”

Without warning, Discord popped in the apartment. He turned to Rose and quickly bowed. “Sorry, dear, but I couldn't help myself.” He popped from near the door to the sofa. “I figured it out, Scott.”

I raised a skeptic eyebrow. “Really now...”

He floated in the air and examined his talons. “I know; I know. I was supposed to get you home before the fair, but I had more important-”

I grabbed him by the neck, pulled him up to my face, glared and bared my teeth at him. “More important things?” He popped out of my grip and reappeared a couple of feet back. “What did I do to you to put me on the back burner? You had four months to send me back and you just...” I let out a frustrated groan. “You know what? Screw you.” I walked to the front door and looked to rose. “Let's get outta here, Rose.”

Discord snapped his talons, there was a 'poof' sound and I suddenly fell forward with a loud thump. I let out a groan and rubbed my neck with my... hoof? I brought my arms forward to look at them and my hands were replaced with hooves. I looked up and glared at a grinning Discord. To say Rose was shocked would be an understatement. I stood up and growled at him. “Discord...”

He laughed and twirled in the air. “I'm so sorry, Scott. I thought I was casting the teleportation spell, but apparently your outburst broke my concentration. Never mind that, you should be your old two-legged self again in no time.”

My glare hardened. “Define 'no time'.”

He stroked his chin a bit. “Maybe a day.” That was a relief. “Or a week. It could be a month or even a year.” A year? “I'm not entirely sure about it since I wasn't focusing on how long the effect would last. Ta!” He vanished.

Rose stroked my neck to try and comfort me. God damn it. Now I've been turned into a pony. I examined my new body and noticed I had wings, a black coat and tail and no cutie mark. I ran a hoof against my head, and to my relief, I didn't have a horn. “Oh, thank god.” At least I wasn't a winged unicorn and the only thing I haven't seen yet were... my eyes. Oh shit! “I need a mirror!”

Rose helped me to the bathroom where I looked myself over in the mirror. “No...” I had red eyes and a black mohawk mane. “Oh god! No!” There was no justice in the multiverse, I was now a black pegasus with red eyes. I fell back down, rested my face on my new legs and started sobbing. “I look like a monster!”

I felt a hoof rub my shoulder. I looked up, tears continued to run down my face and I saw Rose with a smile. “You don't look that bad, Scotty. Put on some sunglasses and nopony will freak out.”

I grumbled. “I'm still a freak.” She gave me a concerned frown. “How many ponies do you know with this color scheme?” Suddenly, she smirked. “What?”

She helped me up again and nuzzled me. “I know what you need.” She began pulling me out of the bathroom. “You need a drink.”

---

We made it to the pizzeria and were quickly seated at a booth. I was emotionally drained at this point and was nursing on a screwdriver. Rose sat beside me doing her best to comfort me, nuzzling me, stroking my mane, things like that. Ponies gave me concerned looks, but I ignored them.

I started coming back to reality when our server returned with a pizza. “Here's your four cheese pizza. Is there anything else I can get for you? Perhaps a refill on your drink sir?”

I shrugged and slid the glass over. “Make it a double.”

He smiled, nodded and floated the glass off of the table. “Of course. I'll be right back with that.”

After he left, there was another set of hoofsteps approaching. “May I join you?”

I looked up and saw Twilight. A faint smile graced my lips and I nodded. “Please.”

Rose continued her ministrations and glanced to Twilight. “Thanks for coming, Your Majesty. I'm not sure what to do.”

The server returned with my drink and saw Twilight. “Good afternoon, Princess Twilight Sparkle. What can I get for you?”

She gave a nervous chuckle and blushed a bit. “I heard of a drink called the 'Royal Masochist'. I want one.”

The server's eyes widened and his jaw went slack for a moment before writing it down. “Uh... yeah, sure. One 'Royal Masochist' coming right up.”

I perked up as he was leaving. “What's a... 'Royal Masochist'?”

She smiled sheepishly. “It's a special drink for alicorns. Our bodies are able to tolerate more alcohol than even minotaurs, and they're notorious for drinking ponies, griffons and other species under the table. The minotaurs have found a mixture of five of the strongest types of alcohol, poured it into a tall glass and served it to Celestia.”

I smiled. “How'd that turn out?”

She gave a smug smile. “Her and the minotaur who introduced it to her each had one and she still outdrank him.”

I let out a hearty laugh after her story. “Sounds like I could use one of those right now.”

Twilight shook her head. “I wouldn't try it, Scott. Even if you were human again, I doubt you could make it halfway through one. Big Macintosh was dared to have one and only after drinking a quarter of it, he passed out.”

I nodded understandingly. “Of course, but I'd still like to taste it.”

The server quickly returned to our table, floating what looked like a highball glass filled just an inch shy to the rim and alongside, he was floating a shot glass filled with another liquor. He set the glasses down and smiled. “Enjoy your drink, Your Majesty.” He bowed and went to another table.

With her magic, Twilight picked up the shot glass and looked at me. “Do you still want to try it?” I nodded. Hell yes, I do.

She hovered the shot glass over the highball and let it go. A small splash emanated from the concoction and she floated it toward me. Rose was looking at me the whole time, her eyes wide, lower jaw quivering. She was terrified. I sniffed the drink a few times, setting myself up for what I was in for. “Holy crap!” I turned my head to the side and cleared my throat. “That smells like gasoline!” The two mare giggled at my expense, but I pushed onward, turning my head back to the drink, rested me new hooves against the glass and put my new muzzle on it. I tilted back and let the demon drink flood my mouth. I took a couple of large gulps out of it and pulled back. I started choking and put my mouth against my foreleg, letting out the coughs. “Jesus Christ! Ponies drink that?” Not only did it smell like gasoline, but it tasted like it too.

Twilight pulled the glass back toward her and smiled. “Yep.” She examined how much I took and gasped. “Scott, are you okay?”

I nodded and stifled some coughs as Rose served each of us a slice of that wonderful pie. “I will be after I get some food in me.”

I closed my eyes and concentrated on opening my new wings and quickly learned that it was easier than I thought it was going to be, then I heard a slap and a quiet grunt. I opened my eyes and saw I smacked Rose with my right wing. I blushed and chuckled. “Sorry about that.” I closed my right wing, gave her an apologetic nuzzle, turned and used my left to pick up a fork.

Twilight giggled again. “I know what you're going through, Scotty. I think I told you about the day I became an alicorn.”

I nodded as I dug my fork into the pizza and pulled up a small piece and put it in my mouth. I chewed on it a bit and let the mixture of the cheeses, the sauce and the crust sit on my tongue to savor the taste before I swallowed. “Yeah, and the time you went through the crystal mirror.”

She waved a hoof and laughed. “Yeah. Speaking of which, I wonder how she's doing?” She took a chug of her drink and shrugged. I'm assuming she's referring to Sunset Shimmer. “I'll have to go back some day.”

I don't know if it was all the alcohol I consumed since being there, two rounds of screwdrivers and part of the Royal Masochist, or the company of the two mares, or both, but I started feeling better. Twilight took another swig of that foul beverage and a thought occurred to me. “Twilight? Would it be possible to send a letter across dimensions?” She raised a curious eyebrow. “I... I need to get in contact with my parents, let them know I'm alright.”

She closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “I'm not sure that I can...” she opened her eyes, looked at me and I saw a trace of a smile grace her lips, “but I'll try. Give me a week, then take a train to Ponyville.”

I looked toward Rose and she nodded. “I'm not your mother, go do what you need to do.”

I looked back to Twilight and nodded myself. “A week it is. Thanks, Twilight.”

Author's Note:

If it's not one thing, it's another, am I right?