Princess Sparkle has been betrayed during a diplomatic mission to the Caribou, and the Elements have been stolen. Recovering from her wounds, how will her relationship to her old teacher grow? And just how far into war will Luna take them all?
I get the feeling that not all Caribou will be as sneaky as those trying to get the Elements or kill the princesses, I think this will end up in the mother of all Battles.
good chapter but......... doubting a sniper rifle could penetrate an eldritch field of magic. rule of all magic is that older spells ar emore powerful an dangerous than newer ones....... my theory on that is older spells are less refined and twist the world more, thus are harder to control yet enormously more powerful.
As.... conceited as this may sound... lord, this isn't your story. Believe me, there is a reason the bullets pierced that far. And there is a reason only Twilight's spell worked. It will be revealed.
4504232 My guess would be—and I can't prove it, mind you, since I don't vote that way—they were given by a) people kneejerking about anything remotely fallverse related, even if it actually isn't, and b) fallverse fans kneejerking.
Myself, I'm probably not going to read much more than what I have so far. I'm one of the fans, you see, and this doesn't contain much to hold my interest; at the same time, let me assure you that I also did not downvote your story, as I don't see anything meriting it. To downvote, that is.
Normally I would say longer chapters, but I don't feel like I would be able to keep reading this story if the chapters were really long and were full of suspense. It doesn't do me well when I try reading stories like that. Keep up the great work.
Disclaimer:Now to everyone reading this, please be aware that I by no means am a professional, and write this strictly based on my own opinions and knowledge. I do not come from one of the many talented editorial groups that can be found here, but rather as a friend with enough knowledge(or stupid bravery), to believe I can help a friend out and provide some constructive opinions.
Now, the organization of this comment will be in chronological order, meaning I will begin with my live thoughts from chapter one until chapter five, and will write about the opinions I held at the current time I've read them.
CHAPTER ONE:
Grammar:
Twilight Sparkle constantly pounded with their oily, slimy magical fields of their own, trying to bring her own down, to continue the torment.
- This could definitely use a re-wording.
keep herself and her friends, and the diplomatic party,
- Perhaps making it "herself, her friends, and the diplomatic party" would be a better alternative.
Ash’ei. or Ash’Ei ? - Just a quick fix where you could decide your preferred spelling.
CHAPTER ONE OPINIONS: Alright, you have my attention. What it lacks in detail about the enemy, it makes up for in being an action packed, attention grabbing opener. Good way to start if you plan on feeding us the pesky details later.
CHAPTER TWO:
Grammar:
The smile she had burn a Caribou to diamond in order to preserve.
- Did you mean "burned?"
Points of interest:
Great Sea
- Go on...
she quickly banished the thought to her mind’s moon.
CHAPTER TWO OPINIONS: No crazy fillers yet, but a nice continuation after the last chapter. The added history between Celestia and Twilight blended in well, and overall the chapter was a good read. The Great Sea in particular strikes my interest as the map clearly shows any sea or ocean to be rather far away; either way this can lead to a number of interesting side stories or anything you might have planned.
CHAPTER THREE:
Grammar:
Trixie would have been a foal to toss such
- Did you mean a "fool"?
“Ash’ei vas-”
- Not an error, just another place where you can fix consistency after deciding on "Ei" or "ei".
CHAPTER THREE OPINIONS: Action! Trixie was never a character I personally paid much mind to, and seeing her play a huge role was a rather refreshing sight. I'm curious to see where you go with this.
CHAPTER FOUR:
Telescopes peeked out of the tal grass,
- tall*.
but mentally… Blood sometimes
- I may be mistaken, but perhaps there should be a lowecase b in Blood.
- I feel there is a better way to word this, the main problem being the use of "all".
CHAPTER FIVE OPINIONS: Interesting to say the least. The mix between Luna's and Celestia's events is well written and the transitions are smooth and easy to follow.
OVERALL COMMENTARY: So far the story is generally short, and I'm glad to say not much can be pointed out as flawed; in fact the immersion was quite captivating. I would however, begin to add more details in on the mysterious "Caribou" that threaten the peaceful utopia we all know and love as Equestria. There is a lot of room for a number of ideas, and the ways you can branch off from here seem endless, so be careful to stay true to the well portrayed characters you currently have. So far, It seems that the story revolves more on the characters and less on action and the Caribou threat; be careful if/when you plan on adding in more warlike scenes given how often those tend to stray the reader's focus from the characters and their emotions.
The Great Sea needs not be built upon, but from a personal opinion, I believe it there is great potential in this little bit of story.
Hope I helped! Thanks again for the good read, and I thank everyone who took the time to consider what I've written. -Memo.
4538334 Thank you very much for the criticism! I apologize for the grammatical errors, I sometimes miss little holes like that when I'm on an idea role.
For the Great Sea, it actually is an allusion to the parents of the Sisters, which I will go into at a later time.
Trixie has too much hate heaped upon her poor head. She shows the signs of having a rough foalhood, and really, just wants some love and attention. And foal was intentionally, a little jab at pony puns. :D
And Ash'ei is spelled that way, yep, and is pronounced like Ash and upper-case A.
are you missing a Best there?
To war my Battle Brothers
I get the feeling that not all Caribou will be as sneaky as those trying to get the Elements or kill the princesses, I think this will end up in the mother of all Battles.
good chapter but......... doubting a sniper rifle could penetrate an eldritch field of magic. rule of all magic is that older spells ar emore powerful an dangerous than newer ones....... my theory on that is older spells are less refined and twist the world more, thus are harder to control yet enormously more powerful.
There is nothing so dangerous as those who fight to protect those whom they hold most dear...
4521069
As.... conceited as this may sound... lord, this isn't your story. Believe me, there is a reason the bullets pierced that far. And there is a reason only Twilight's spell worked. It will be revealed.
4520798 Captain Atlaes reporting for duty sir!
4520798 bruva i am pinned here
4504232
My guess would be—and I can't prove it, mind you, since I don't vote that way—they were given by
a) people kneejerking about anything remotely fallverse related, even if it actually isn't, and
b) fallverse fans kneejerking.
Myself, I'm probably not going to read much more than what I have so far. I'm one of the fans, you see, and this doesn't contain much to hold my interest; at the same time, let me assure you that I also did not downvote your story, as I don't see anything meriting it. To downvote, that is.
Best of luck for your future endeavours!
"...she was free. Awww" that part made me crack up.
4521228 4521389 Captain Atlaes aid our Battle Brother
4525675 4521389 Sending forces, we will not fail brothers!
Normally I would say longer chapters, but I don't feel like I would be able to keep reading this story if the chapters were really long and were full of suspense. It doesn't do me well when I try reading stories like that. Keep up the great work.
Celestia’s wards had, in her long, stored life, saved her from everything from dragonfire, flights of arrows, to cannon shot.
Should that be "storied" instead of "stored"?
Thank you for all the comments and for the editing everyone!
I will have another chapter up tonight, and I hope you're up for a little Princess cuteness.
Here's that quick review I promised you, mate.
Disclaimer: Now to everyone reading this, please be aware that I by no means am a professional, and write this strictly based on my own opinions and knowledge. I do not come from one of the many talented editorial groups that can be found here, but rather as a friend with enough knowledge(or stupid bravery), to believe I can help a friend out and provide some constructive opinions.
Now, the organization of this comment will be in chronological order, meaning I will begin with my live thoughts from chapter one until chapter five, and will write about the opinions I held at the current time I've read them.
CHAPTER ONE:
Grammar:
- This could definitely use a re-wording.
- Perhaps making it "herself, her friends, and the diplomatic party" would be a better alternative.
Ash’ei. or Ash’Ei ? - Just a quick fix where you could decide your preferred spelling.
CHAPTER ONE OPINIONS: Alright, you have my attention. What it lacks in detail about the enemy, it makes up for in being an action packed, attention grabbing opener. Good way to start if you plan on feeding us the pesky details later.
CHAPTER TWO:
Grammar:
- Did you mean "burned?"
Points of interest:
- Go on...
- http://i.imgur.com/tG5dLxJ.gif
CHAPTER TWO OPINIONS: No crazy fillers yet, but a nice continuation after the last chapter. The added history between Celestia and Twilight blended in well, and overall the chapter was a good read. The Great Sea in particular strikes my interest as the map clearly shows any sea or ocean to be rather far away; either way this can lead to a number of interesting side stories or anything you might have planned.
CHAPTER THREE:
Grammar:
- Did you mean a "fool"?
- Not an error, just another place where you can fix consistency after deciding on "Ei" or "ei".
CHAPTER THREE OPINIONS: Action! Trixie was never a character I personally paid much mind to, and seeing her play a huge role was a rather refreshing sight. I'm curious to see where you go with this.
CHAPTER FOUR:
- tall*.
- I may be mistaken, but perhaps there should be a lowecase b in Blood.
CHAPTER FOUR OPINIONS: The suspense!
CHAPTER FIVE:
- No period after "loose", Italisize "Awww".
- You accidentally a word.
- I feel there is a better way to word this, the main problem being the use of "all".
CHAPTER FIVE OPINIONS: Interesting to say the least. The mix between Luna's and Celestia's events is well written and the transitions are smooth and easy to follow.
OVERALL COMMENTARY: So far the story is generally short, and I'm glad to say not much can be pointed out as flawed; in fact the immersion was quite captivating. I would however, begin to add more details in on the mysterious "Caribou" that threaten the peaceful utopia we all know and love as Equestria. There is a lot of room for a number of ideas, and the ways you can branch off from here seem endless, so be careful to stay true to the well portrayed characters you currently have. So far, It seems that the story revolves more on the characters and less on action and the Caribou threat; be careful if/when you plan on adding in more warlike scenes given how often those tend to stray the reader's focus from the characters and their emotions.
The Great Sea needs not be built upon, but from a personal opinion, I believe it there is great potential in this little bit of story.
Hope I helped! Thanks again for the good read, and I thank everyone who took the time to consider what I've written. -Memo.
4538334 Thank you very much for the criticism! I apologize for the grammatical errors, I sometimes miss little holes like that when I'm on an idea role.
For the Great Sea, it actually is an allusion to the parents of the Sisters, which I will go into at a later time.
Trixie has too much hate heaped upon her poor head. She shows the signs of having a rough foalhood, and really, just wants some love and attention. And foal was intentionally, a little jab at pony puns. :D
And Ash'ei is spelled that way, yep, and is pronounced like Ash and upper-case A.
I'm just waiting for some Stockholm syndrome to develope.