Melissa held on as Twilight trotted towards her home, levitating the cage by her head, and from time to time Twilight turned her head to examine her little pet. Melissa meanwhile was growing more and more nervous, her new mistress seemed nice but from experience she knew that first impressions could be deceiving.
Melissa saw that they were approaching a very large tree, the biggest she had seen in Equestria. It had several windows and even balconies, and she realized that it had a house build into it. She got on her knees to get a better view; most of the other buildings in this village seemed to be normal two-story houses, but this tree-house easily dominated them all. Amazed and curious about it, she asked, “You live in there?”
Twilight smiled when Melissa spoke, “Yes, I do. It is my home as well as a library.” The alicorn replied. They arrived at the front door, and she opened the door with her magic while still levitating the cage, “What is your name?” Twilight asked as she walked inside.
“My name is Melissa… Mistress.” it felt a little awkward, saying that. Twilight smiled, closing the door and turning to look at the interior, she then turned her face towards Melissa, “Nice to meet you, Melissa, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and welcome to your new home.”
Melissa’s jaw dropped a bit when she saw the large living room housed by the tree. So large in fact that the room alone could have held her family’s entire farmhouse. Her attention was then turned to the walls which were full of rows of books. Feeling her interest piqued, she asked, “What are the books about?”
“Oh, they all sort of books: history books, adventure novels, books about magic… wait, you can read?” Twilight looked at Melissa, her face filling Melissa’s field of view.
“Yes I can, Mistress.” Melissa turned her head down, not sure what to expect.
“Excellent, I never thought you could read.” Twilight paused suddenly and looked a little shameful, wincing at how that had sounded. “Uh, sorry.”
“It is okay, Mistress.” Melissa said as Twilight levitated the cage onto the table.
“Let’s get this opened, shall we?” Twilight looked at door and unlocked it with her magic and opened the door. “Come out…” She encouraged her with a smile, sitting beside the table.
Melissa crawled out, and stood up for the first time in a while. She had to stretch a couple of times before she looked around, now with unobstructed vision, and relieved to be out of the cage. But when she turned her face to Twilight, she almost jumped as the alicorn was looking at her curiously, tilting her head slightly... and so close that Melissa could have touched her muzzle if she took a step and reached her hand. Not sure what to make of it, Melissa looked down again, “Yes, Mistress?” She asked in fearful tone, fidgeting her fingers.
“What? Oh, I’m sorry.” Twilight backed away and giggled, which caused Melissa to look up at her, surprised by her apology, “I didn’t mean to stare like that. I guess I got little carried away.” She waved her hoof.
Melissa stayed quiet, and Twilight leaned closer, offering a friendly smile, “You don’t need to be scared, I won’t hurt you. Please, relax.”
Melissa on the other hand was barely able to control her emotions. Together with Joshua, she had been taken away from everything, catalogued like an item; she had no idea where her brother was, or if he was even alive! And now this pony seemed to be almost giddy with excitement.
But, she's been so kind, like she actually cares about me... Melissa’s internal struggle went unnoticed by Twilight.
“So, Melissa… How did you learn to read and write? At school?”
“No… My father taught me, girls are not allowed to go to school, and we didn’t have time for it anyway…” Melissa’s voice trailed off, she had wanted to learn to write and read, and even studied alone whenever she could, but now all her hard work seemed worth nothing now.
Twilight’s face turned first surprised and a little angry, “Wait, human girls are not allowed to go to school?” Twilight asked, and when Melissa nodded, she rose to her full height, “That is awful.”
Melissa raised her face again, “Mistress, why… what do you want me to do?” She asked carefully, swallowed nervously and waited for her mistress’ answer.
Twilight smiled, “I bought you because I need help with the library and my studies. I have an assistant, but I’m afraid that he is sometimes overworked. You see, Spike is a dragon and-”
“A dragon!?” Melissa shouted, and immediately put her hands over her mouth, having interrupted her mistress like that, and looked worriedly at Twilight.
If Twilight was somehow annoyed by being interrupted, she didn’t show it. Instead, she just chuckled at Melissa’s reaction, and explained, “A baby dragon, and a very friendly one. I am sure you will get along nice. He comes back tomorrow.”
Melissa doesn’t know what to say to this, and decided to reply with only, “Yes, Mistress.”
“Don’t worry, Melissa.” Twilight said happily, “So, ready for a little tour?”
Do I have a choice? Melissa thought, but nodded. To her surprise, she felt herself being lifted off the table, and floated in mid-air towards Twilight. Melissa looked down when she was floated over table’s edge and felt dizzy, the floor seemed so far below, far enough in fact that she was sure that if she fell, she would be seriously injured or killed by the impact, and it made her shiver, since all Twilight had to do was let go.
But Twilight’s hold on her was firm and she was levitated on her back, and Melissa grabbed some of her mane hairs with her hands. “I thought riding on my back would be more comfortable than floating in air this whole time.” Twilight had turned her head to look at Melissa, and chuckled at the sight.
“Ye-yes, Mistress.” Melissa was little taken aback, but calmed herself soon and she couldn’t help but feel Twilight’s fur with her hand.
The day went by fast as Twilight took Melissa for a tour in her library and home, trying her best to make her feel at home. She introduced her to her system of shelving the books in order and even showed few books to Melissa to see what kind of books she had. She was sombre at first, but eventually Melissa began to feel better, Twilight’s enthusiasm felt genuine and even began to catch on with her, too.
After Twilight had finished her tour, she had levitated Melissa and several books on the table. Melissa looked at them, one seemed to be an adventure novel, the others a history book and book about magical spells. Reading them wouldn’t be easy since the books were bigger than she was.
“Obviously you can’t lift the books, but you can keep notes and help with customer service.” Twilight looked at Melissa and lifted the books from the table. “You can read any book you want here. I can teach you almost anything you want.” Twilight said while she floated the books back to their shelves.
“Teach me?” Melissa asked, her mood changing back. All the books and Twilight’s enthusiasm had made her happy but now she suddenly realized it, and felt guilty about it as she remembered the state her parents must be right now and most importantly, Joshua had been taken away, and she had no idea if he was even alive.
Twilight tilted her head, a little confused, “I didn’t mean that in a bad way, we can be friends, you, me and Spike.”
“I am not your friend! I am your pet, your slave, we can’t be friends!” Melissa shot back angrily, but fell silent immediately. An awkward silence descended between the two as both considered what the other had said as well as their own words. Melissa’s anger was quickly replaced by fear, Twilight had been nice to her so far but her friendliness may have limits. The thought of what she could do to her, what she had seen ponies do to disobedient humans made her feel terror. She bowed to Twilight, “I’m sorry my outburst, Mistress… I… I apologize… Please, don’t punish me.”
“I’m not going to punish you or hurt you in any way.” Twilight leaned closer, brought her hoof behind Melissa and carefully stroked her on the back.
“Okay, Mistress…” Melissa nodded.
Before Melissa had even noticed, the Sun had set and the Moon shined in the sky. Captivated by the sight, she walked on the edge of the table, and watched the Moon which shone through the window.
“What is the matter…?” Twilight asked with a quiet voice.
Melissa stood up, and wiped her tears, “It is nothing, Mistress.”
Suddenly, Melissa felt herself floating into the air, she realized that Twilight must have lifted her off the table. Melissa shivered as she was powerless to do anything against the magical grip. Twilight sat up and levitated the tiny girl to her chest, she carefully crossed her forelegs around Melissa, enveloping her with soft fur, and brought her into a warm hug. Melissa felt Twilight’s steady heartbeat on her palms and almost teared up as she rested her cheek against Twilight’s chest fur.
“Please tell me.” Twilight insisted. Melissa hesitated for a few seconds, her hopes rising, her mistress was an alicorn princess, and maybe she could help her, and Joshua...
“Mistress… I came here with my brother, he is just 11, if… if something happens to him…”
Melissa spoke so quietly that Twilight had to listen carefully to hear her. “What happened?”
Melissa fought against her tears, her fist clenched, Twilight’s purple fur coming between her fingers. “He took him! He didn’t like me from the beginning and he must have taken Joshua on purpose.”
“Who is he?” Twilight inquired.
“Prince Blueblood, Mistress.” Melissa answered.
“Blueblood!?” Twilight frowned angrily.
“You know him, Mistress?” Twilight’s reaction had made Melissa even more worried now...
“He is one of those rich aristocrats, and the worst kind.” Twilight answered.
“Is my brother in danger?” Melissa asked, fidgeting nervously.
Twilight shook her head, “No… Blueblood is after money and influence, not cruelty. He probably sold your brother to some special customer.”
= = =
In Canterlot Castle, there was an entire wing that had been dedicated to Prince Blueblood’s use exclusively, he had been slowly acquiring wealth and influence among Canterlot’s high elite, even overcoming some of his reputation of being a snob, through his human trade, especially since he wasn’t asking questions how his customers used their little pets. Inside the wing there were several rooms, full of caged humans: either waiting for to be sold later, or to be used as amusements in whatever parties Blueblood arranged for his business partners or any Canterlot royalty he wanted to impress.
In one of the cages, Joshua lied curled up, so far he had been left in his cage, but sleeping in it had left him bruised and tired. He sat up, taking support from the cage’s mesh and looked at the Moon which shone through a small window, “I hope you are okay, sis.” He whispered with a sad tone.
“Did you say something?” A voice called from a nearby cage. Joshua looked at the direction of the voice, “N-nothing.” he quickly answered. A man in his thirties was sitting in his cage and looking at him, “Are you okay?” The man seemed average build, he had messy brown hair and a few days’ stubble on his jaw. His clothes reminded Joshua of his father’s farm clothes.
“Yes, sir.” Joshua answered, “Just… lonely.”
The man smiled, “Aren’t we all, kid. My name is Mark by the way, not sir.”
“I’m Joshua. Do… do you know what they are going to do to us?” Joshua said and searched for a comfortable position to sit, where it wouldn’t hurt so much.
“No I don’t.” Mark answered, “I guess you are new here, as I am?”
“We are here to amuse the Prince’s quests.” A new voice said, and both turned to look. Joshua had never seen a man like the new speaker, not only he was the biggest man he had seen, his skin was darker than theirs and almost reddish, his headband kept some of his long black hair in place. “Swallow your pride, do what they say and you may survive, but don’t look for hope, you’ll find none of it there.” He said without turning his head to Joshua or Mark.
“Who… who are you?” Joshua asked, but the man didn’t answer.
“I have heard that there is a continent far in the west where people have skin like that.” Mark whispered.
Joshua shivered, even more fearful about what was going to happen tomorrow.
The suspense! It's... Beautiful.
4542331 Heh, thank you. Yes, I'm alive here. ;)
4542342 I can't wait for the next chapter!
Good work can't wait for more!
Just stopping by to say that Twilight hugging Melissa was...just so freaking adorable.
Great work, man.
4542378 Thank you.
4542502 Hehe, indeed. And thanks.
4542606 Welcome.
Its good I like but blue balls gonna have to deal with twi soon enough hahahaha
Yay! The update! It's looking awesome, keep up the good work!
Nicenicenicenicenice! :-D
Removing my old comment and offering more in-depth feedback, now that I've read this thing. Bad parts first, then I can be nicer to you.
Okay, so the premise is really flawed. Giant ponies is nifty and all, but you have all this slavery and shit in there that doesn't make any sense.
I mean, really? Really? What are humans that small even supposed to be able to help with? And the ponies decide to enslave all of humanity because some humans practice slavery? That's more than my suspension of disbelief is willing to take. Especially when, as Shirohige pointed out, they might still remember being enslaved by Discord (or at least being "disposable toys"). The bit in the description that implies ponies sometimes eat their slaves is especially fucked up, seeing as we're talking about a race of friendship-obsessed herbivores.
I'll give you some credit in that a lot of ponies seem pretty benevolent and friendly, but that also becomes a problem when they have to be aware that they're purchasing sapient beings that were dragged away from their homes and families and using them for forced labour or as pets. It's actually pretty creepy realizing that Rarity has to know what Kevin has lost, but she clearly doesn't care and encourages Twilight to buy a slave of her own. Twilight can be a bit oblivious at times but she should still realize that her slave will not be to keen on becoming her friend. She also doesn't seem as hurt as she probably should, since being called out like that would probably upset her considerably (especially since she just had an offer of friendship rejected for valid reasons).
You might want to be a bit more clear as to how big the ponies are, but if necessary you can get away with an author's note saying that they average about X metres or whatever.
4471001
You raised an excellent point here. It's extremely difficult to like the ponies that we're supposed to count as "good guys" when their attitude is so...unconcerned. The bit you quoted there--"it would be fascinating to have one as a pet"--shows absolutely no concern or even thought regarding the opinions or wants of the person she intends to buy, despite the fact that she clearly knows of Blueblood and doesn't approve his methods. On top of that, Twilight doesn't even consider going back and buying Joshua even though she can see how upset Melissa is and she's already been reminded that Melissa has nothing left from her old life anymore.
I mean, she has no ethical problem buying sapient people to have as a pet, she shows no concern at all for the fact that her new "pet" was just forcibly separated from her parents (who she'll never see again), she doesn't seem to feel any guilt when Melissa calls her out on being a slave-owner, and she doesn't even consider buying Melissa's brother despite having a brother that she's very close to. Ladies and gentlemen, your "hero".
On the plus side, there are relatively few issues with things like pacing and dialogue. Some of it reads a bit oddly (“He is one of those rich aristocrats, and the worst kind" for example), but I can't recall any point where I was bothered by it. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of the technical side of writing, which I feel is the hard part. I did take you to task over the slavery and the way Equestrians are about it, but you're still handling it much better than Chains or Liberationem Lapsis did. The characters feel as close to in-character as you can really get while having them support slavery (though I definitely think they would oppose the idea on moral grounds). I'd also like to say that while I am being pretty negative overall here, you shouldn't be too discouraged. In all fairness to you, the mistakes you've made with this story are actually quite common, at least on this site, and I think you could write an enjoyable story. I don't want to make you upset or quit writing, I just want to highlight issues with your story because a lot of people won't do that and I think it would be very frustrating to see 41 downvotes and receive little explanation as to where they came from.
4559889 First, thank you for the feedback, much appreciated. English is not my first language and I suspect it shows. This is a learning process for me. I'm not going to quit writing this, if anyone is wondering about that.
Now, about the premise, granted, not the easiest or non-controversial things to write about (my other giant pony related writings are always gently). When I got this idea, the premise come first of course, humans enslaved by giant ponies, after that came how to put the characters we all know in this world were slavery was seen as normal, where they do not see anything wrong about owning a human.
How I have so far managed to do this, well, everyone can judge that.
So, is the premise wrong and fucked up? Definitely, couldn't agree more. No morality there.
If I get negative votes because of my bad writing, spacing or lack of characters in characters, then I can say that I'm trying to improve my writing. But negative votes because of the premise are not going to chance anything, I'm not going to change the story because of that. Besides. I have received a lot of positive feedback, and I assume because people liked the story.
4553217 Heh, thank you. More to come.
4543340 Thanks, I'm trying.
4561569
I honestly never would have guessed that English was your second language, actually.
Given that you want the characters to see slavery as perfectly fine, I suppose they're mostly in-character (we haven't seen too much of them, so it's early to judge). I still think Twilight should be more concerned about Melissa's mental health, given all that Melissa has been through recently. It would be nice to see Twilight called out on not going back to buy Joshua. Applejack could do that, she's big on family.
4563169 Wait for coming chapters, these have been pretty much an introduction. ;)
4564134
The weird part is, I will be reading the future chapters, even though I dislike this story for the reasons I mentioned before. I'm still vaguely curious as to where you might go with this, and so far you've done a better job writing "Equestria, but with slavery" than any of the other people in the humans enslaved by ponies group.
If I may make one suggestion, though? Maybe have the slavers convince the slaves to avoid the subject of how they've been taken against their will and all those other things. Twilight and Rarity's behaviour actually makes a lot more sense if you imagine they're being kept ignorant of how slaves actually end up in Equestria, and having the secret come out could be an interesting story arc.
4564667 Thanks for the interest, even if the subject isn't something you like.
What I have in mind for this is that it will be, in part, a learning process for Twilight and Rarity, though Melissa and Joshua will remain main characters. While I have an idea how the story will continue and end. Any and all suggesting are welcome.
I know it's not really important in a story about giant ponies enslaving humans, but if this is really set in a pre-modern period the word "okay" really shouldn't be used. The phrase originated in the American presidential election of 1840 and I doubt it made its way to England before the latter 20th century.
As I said, it's not really important but it's an anachronism and it really stands out.
Oh, no Poor Joshua is in the captivity and under the watchful eye of the no good excuse for a Prince Blueblood. Oh, I hope somehow Melissa gets reunited with him.
I'm just waiting for the humans to unleash their Jaegars against the ponies.
Ee'yep NAILED IT!!!