Following a tragic event, a young man stumbles across people claiming that they need to get him to a place called Equestria. But, he ends up falling out of their transportation on the way there, only to land on top of someone called Nightmare Moon.
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Ok, to be honest, I actually prefer the original OTR, it was a lot more in depth and gave me larger chapters to chew on. This story so far just seems...rushed. It's missing the detail that the first story held and it gave a bit more of a clear backstory on Alex, all this one did is this: here his this dude, his parents died, he can be a douche but he's not that bad, oh and he goes to equestria.
I'm sorry, but I really like the other one better. The longer chapters left me feeling satisfied longer in-between updates and I had a clear picture of what was going on. I'm going to keep riding this out in the hope that it gets more in depth, I just hope the chapters get a little longer.
4426040 If I may presume to speak for the author, I think he's going to add all (or most of) of the arcs he had in the original OTR. That includes the part with Doctor Whooves/ Time Turner (and from what it looks like, more). In the original OTR, all that stuff just happened and was only explained later. Here, we're seeing foreshadowing of all the shenanigans associated with travel through time and space with the good doctor.
I will say this; I don't think the introduction arc is over yet. Give it a few installments and we'll see where we're at then.
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My goodness I'm getting sick of saying this so many times.
I'm not done the original. Not even close. This version of the story is for people who aren't going to sit down a read a half a million words to catch themselves up.
The story IS going to seem rushed to the people who have read the original, by sheer lack of numbers. And if you think i've skipped a lot, just wait until i skip 6 or 7 episodes at a time. My goal is to catch this story up to the original in less than 100,000 words, to make it a readable alternative for people who aren't interested in reading something longer than The Lord of the Rings series.
I don't need people telling me how wrong I'm getting it, because i said it was going to be this way from the beginning, and it's going to stay that way. If you really don't like it, please just wait for updates on the original, and leave this story be.
I know i sound like a dick right now, and I'm sorry about that. But I'm getting fed up with these comparisons to the original. It's simply not the original. Period.
Cucumber.
4426390 you arent being a dick its your story if people dont like it screw them :)
This kinda feels like you threw the story in a blender, and everything came out in a different order.
4426390 24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyvz3b3C3M1r3k1m8o1_500.png
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Strange, I thought i apologized for my attitude at the end of the last comment.
But if you need to troll me on, feel free. My anger subsided when i posted the last comment.
Well, not all my anger. My nipples chafe in this shirt. I'm kinda upset over that.
fixyourrun.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Image-135.jpg
That's where i am right now. Any suggestions?
I guess you were right about it feeling rushed for original OTR readers, but...well, yeah, I'm kinda subconsciously comparing it to the original. Even Dash flipping out at the Colors name here felt...really, really off. I mean, he didn't know her name despite knowing the entire rest of the group originally, which was I believe why it was offensive to her. Here, she gets mad at the name...well...just because of the name, so it comes off as a heck of a lot weaker.
It's probably fine for anyone just starting with this, but...I don't feel like I can easily temporarily forget the original OTR when reading this (I know the original is still going on, I just mean actively reading a remade chapter). Aside from waiting for Original OTR to continue, the point I'm reading it this is to see the comparison to see any improvement.
Maybe you'd find that a bit unfair and maybe I'm just harping on about one point, but if a fairly big first impression of Dash gets diluted like that for the sake of rushing it along, it almost feels like a warning sign that more subtle points might really suffer as this goes along.
Geez, re-reading my words over and over again makes me sound like a right dick no matter how I try to voice it.
1.
Kinda like the last story?
2. I liked The Naming Process better in the original. That's just me, though. Write on, King! Write on!
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Perhaps you're right. I was very happy with the introduction between the two in the original, and this one i kinda threw out the door in a bit of haste. While everything is going to be sped up exponentially, maybe i should slow this part down.
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Edited.
While it may not be quite the same as before, i'm simply going to move the strong dislike to a later point in the story.
4429272 This chapter is a lot better with that edit. In so many words, I was trying to point out how out of place the whole "colors" insult was...my in-ability to explain things made me sound like a dick with my earlier comment Sorry about that.
Anyways, look forward to more and hopefully I can word my comments better in the future
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I've had a lot of PM's regarding the speed of this story, and I just kinda exploded. So I am sorry about that.
But you never answered me about those nipples.
4435646 Oh that's an easy one! Gingerly apply petroleum jelly around the nipples then let them breathe, for God's sake you are suffocating them with those tight fitting shirts, go shirtless and show dem man tittys off!
Wait...where the fuck is colors?
Holy crap, I know I was worried for a bit, but this...THIS felt like solving that speed issue with one fell swoop!
Seriously, remind me why I doubted you, because Dat Rewrite, man. That back-and-forth argument was awesome this time around.
(Ugh, I go from feeling bad with criticism to sounding like ass-kissing, I can't find a middle ground. @_@)
Could use some more editing, especially around dialogue.
Amusingly enough, "spoke" isn't a dialogue tag. The marked commas should be periods.
Another issue of an action tag being treated as a dialogue tag. I'm not going to mark every single one, but I wanted to give an example that was less ambiguous than the previous one. As before, the marked commas should be periods.
Since you used a dialogue tag, "She" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, the marked comma is unnecessary.
There are similar errors scattered throughout the story so far. I recommend brushing up on grammar and/or finding an editor.
I read this, wondered why the hell "colours" wasn't placed in this chapter, began to form a theory about the two stories somehow connecting, then read the comments either way, if you happen to have placed the nickname somewhere later then this next comment becomes irrelevant, you might want to go back and rewrite a bit of the dialogue in the prologue. Or you could let it stay and make my theory of worlds crossing become a legit theory that'll sit on the table.
Considering the older comments saying the pacing seems rushed, this seems like a very key sentence that wasn't considered by some people.