Chapter 1: Rainbow Laser of Doom
"Don't move!" said Twilight.
The mane six were lined up in a perfectly standardized formation. Twilight was holding the front of course, bearing her tiara that shined a bright purple. To her left behind her was Rarity, standing with a straight back and her chin held high, proud and poised to go to battle. Or to show off. I couldn't tell. Behind the marshmallow was Applejack, her Stetson tilted slightly below her eyes before she flicked them up with the tip of her hoof, the orange apple necklace around her neck glowing brightly. To Twilight's right side stood Pinkie Pie, which I found to be a tough feat indeed, as I've never seen Pinkie Pie stand still for longer than two seconds before. Oh, I spoke too soon; she started bouncing on the spot again. Meanwhile, poor Fluttershy was trying to hide behind Pinkie Pie, but every time she jumped, she stared at me with wide, fearful eyes, not knowing what to do.
"You're not goin' anywhere, buster!" Rainbow Dash shouted from above Twilight, hovering in place with her element jingling around her neck.
Oh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap! Are they really? Do they really want to as soon as I appear?
"Ready girls?" Twilight asked, looking back at the others.
"Ready!" they all responded as the six of them started glowing with different colours of the rainbow.
"Oh, shit!" I exclaim, backing up out of the little crater that I had created from the impact of my landing. The energy that they radiated increased, and they started floating in mid-air. I could already feel the friendship coming off of them, and it scared the crap out of me. If the elements had the ability to rip apart pony and chaos god alike, then I had absolutely no chance surviving against their sheer power output. Desperate, I twisted around and leaped up the slope of the crater. I stumbled at the top because of the angle of ascent, but manage to not fall head over heels and face plant on Equestrian soil.
The glowing got brighter. I could see their eyes emanating a white light now, and a charge up sound was ringing with a shrill pang around the nearby air. I started running for my life, trying to get away from them as fast as possible. It may seem like a stupid choice to make, but there was no cover nearby for me to hide behind, so it was either run away and hope for the best of stand there and take it as if I was standing in front of a firing line. Oh, and there was also the option of charging right at them, but I wanted to MAKE distance from the glowing weapons of mass harmony, not close it. Besides, I wasn't even sure if I could disrupt the channeling of their spell or not.
The charge grew to a peak pitch then a wide, white light launched up into the air above the ponies. I kept running, but watched over my shoulder in horror that the energy turned from white to a rainbow in the sunlight, then curved downwards and aimed right at me. I tried to run faster, but my legs could carry me so far. The harmony blast painfully outpaced me, and there was no way I could beat it in a race. Not surprisingly, it caught up quickly, and I felt my life flash before my eyes right as it got a few feet away from me. Putting in a last resort, I dived for the ground, closed my eyes, and covered my head with my hands.
I heard it soar right over me, the call of a thousand volts of electricity shooting past my head. I looked up, and sure enough, it missed. My quick thinking and fast reaction got me out of it! I rolled to the side to get out of underneath it. I can't believe it! I didn't know they could miss like that! Sure, I guess the villains of the show never bothered to try and dodge the stupid thing, but I thought it was a sure-fire lock-on! I didn't think it could miss! But it did, and I prevented myself from getting obliterated by all that friendship. A moment of relief passed over me, and I let out a heavy breath.
But looking towards it, the laser kept going. Where was it going to end? Was it just going to dissipate and stop after a few more feet, or were the mane six going to end the spell and it would just disappear altogether?
None of those apparently, because the laser curved upwards and flipped back towards me.
I screamed and tried to get onto my feet again, but it was way too fast for me. I managed to keep my bladder tight as the beam of light hit my chest. I held my breath for the incoming pain...
...
...
...I opened my eyes.
It never came.
I stared at where the laser was hitting me. Sure it connected, but it just ended at my chest with small puffs of white clouds coming out where the contact was made and nothing else. I felt no change, I felt no soul-ripping-apart, and most importantly, I felt no 'super happy friendly mood change' coming along. Why wasn't the Elements of Harmony doing anything to me? Was I impervious to them because I was human or some bullshit reason like that? Did they only work on evil entities? That wouldn’t make sense, because the Elements as inanimate objects wouldn’t be able to tell what’s right and what’s wrong! That’d be just plain stupid!
My shoulders were shrugged and my hands hovered above the rainbow. Curious, I tried grabbing the streak of light. My fingers went right through it. I made a sound of surprise and tried to swat it away. No dice, and every time a body part appeared to touch the laser, it went right through it instead. I karate-chopped at it over and over again, just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things in my already hallucinogenic state. I had to be seeing things. There was no way I was in Equestria, there was no way I fell through a portal in my living room, and there was absolutely positively no way in hell that the mane six shot the Elements of Harmony at me.
I felt light headed, and I started to lose balance. I don’t want to deal with all of this right now, god damn it! I turned to look the ponies firing at me. I’m surprised that they actually were still at it and didn’t end the spell yet. They were still floating about two feet in the air, eyes glowing and had neutral expressions on their faces, but now they weren’t looking at me anymore. Instead, they had this passive, far away expression on their faces that was a little bit creepy to examine.
This is ridicules. Haven’t they seen that the Elements aren’t working yet? Shouldn’t they shut it all down and try something else? Frowning, I walked the 30 feet that I had managed to make during my mad scramble to my escape and went up to Twilight. She was absentmindedly looking up into the sky, not paying attention to the otherworldly being standing inches away from her. I thought she would have at least panicked by now and reacted or something, but no, she was still miles and miles away from here. Go figure. I waved my hand in front of her vision slowly. No reaction. I wove both of my hands rapidly. Still nothing. Just for the heck of it, I did the monkey dance in front of her, humming Space Jam music loudly to the open air. Nadda.
“Ok, this is absurd.” I said to no one in particular while walking closer to Twilight. Daring to take a risk, I grabbed the top of her tiara and pulled it off her head.
There was an immediate chain reaction. First, the low humming noise that was coming from the channeling of their spell stopped. Then, the spell itself disappeared, and the rainbow stopped shooting into my being. Not too soon after, Twilight fell with a yell. So did the others. Rarity landed on top of applejack, Fluttershy slammed against Pinkie Pie and Rainbow did her own thing and kissed the dirt. They were all moaning in confusion and pain, rubbing their heads and looking dazed.
“Wha… What happened?” Applejack asked, trying to get a grasp of her surroundings.
“Where are we?” Rainbow inquired, getting her face off of the ground.
All the girls murmured incoherent answers. I folded my arms with Twilight’s tiara still in hand, tapping my foot and shaking my head. They still didn’t see me! Are you serious, fate?
Rarity slid off of Applejack’s stomach in a groan, while Fluttershy actually appeared to be out cold. It was only a few seconds later when one of them reacted. Twilight’s eyes grew wide when she saw me and a huge gasp escaped from her.
“Hey! Give me back my tiara!” she demanded, getting up to her hooves.
I gave her a serious look. “I’m not sure if I want to do that, seeing as you shot your laser at me with it and all. Why should I give it back when I know you’re just going to use it against me again?”
“I won't, Just give it back!” Twilight shouted, her horn glowing with a purple light.
For a second, I felt an extraneous force tug on the tiara for a split second, but it disappeared as fast as it came. Twilight’s head reeled back as if she’d been punched and cried out in shock. I could see a thin layer of something outlining my body while she cast her telekinesis.
“Wh-wha? Why can’t I use my spell on the tiara?” she asked, well, I was guessing me, but I had no idea. I shrugged my shoulder, indifferent. I had a sore feeling that I should be running away or something, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. These ponies were nice overall, so there must have been a good reason for them to be hitting me with the Elements in the first place. I wanted answers, and I didn’t think I’ll be getting any if I try and avoid them.
Twilight was not amused. She scrunched up her face in concentration and her horn lit up again. I swallowed. What was she doing now? Suddenly, there was a bright light all around me, and then metal bars formed around me from nowhere and the sun wasn’t on my head anymore. I tilted my head up to see a grey ceiling cover me from the sunlight. Panic setting in, I whipped my head around, just to see iron bars surrounding my location. I looked down. I was standing on a grey floor.
I don't believe this. She put me in a cage!
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3 k words and we have no clues about who the MC is, why he got sucked in Equestria or why the main cast is already here for him in battle formation.
Plus, Brony in Equestria = no world or characters interractions building, wich is really bad.
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Thank you very much for your input! I greatly appreciate it, considering I never get any kind of feedback from anyone.
Yet another ho-hum, uninteresting copycat of "I'm Not A Brony, Get Me Out Of Equestria!" which is a terrible story to begin with.
Fail.
Gg.
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So what's worse? The 'I'm not a brony, get me out' ones, or the 'I am a brony' kind of wish fulfilment ones?
Final story description review!
Firstly, thank you for the disclaimers. I was afraid that this would be like so many other HiE stories--OH WAIT.
There are plenty of stories that involve self-loathing bronies or even outright haters getting sent to Equestria. I appreciate that your first HiE fic was not only wildly popular, but also respectably long, but that's most likely because it felt inspired and not just Fic Idea C. This is Fic Idea C, so it's not going to get much recognition as a consequence, sadly.
I refer to my aforementioned bias against HiE as to why I can't get into the specifics of why exactly this premise is actually bad, per se (seeing as "overused" doesn't mean "bad"); I can, however, state that I feel a comedy tag would be appropriate based on the description. I guess it's nice that you didn't tag it with romance and make it mature-clop, though that would probably increase the favorability of the fic. All the writers who do clop end up getting astronomically higher ratings simply because so much of the brony community is just horny teenagers who want to hear about ponies (or ponies as humans) banging literally everything. This doesn't really stand on its own because it's not a new idea, but cloppers don't seem to mind... so, if you wanted to salvage this, I'd actually recommend making it a clop.
I don't read clop or HiE, though, so I would definitely never crack this one open.
On the bright side, I guess the dude's face on the picture is somewhat funny.
Right, that concludes this week's Review with Scootareader! Join me next week when I go post on every single one of Regidar's stories and somehow manage to convince him to fall in love with me!
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Neither. they're both generally awful.
I actually think this HiE is more unique than the majority on this site, I mean, he has no special traits on earth right? And unlike so many others, he still doesn't have any on the other side.
There are lots of other stories that do this too, but I always appreciate a HiE fic that doesn't go from "normal average person" to "somehow escaping or defeating a manticore or a pack of Timberwolves without a permanent injury".
No matter how good someone is at writing a way out of those situations, it always feels like they were never in serious danger since its the start of the story and most writers wouldn't trap their character in a wheelchair for life during the arrival chapter.
There also hasn't been some contrived reason for the elements to shoot at him whilst painting him in a good light, they just reacted immediately without going on and on about crazy monsters or what have you. I do not doubt that this will change soon enough, but I just can't be bothered reading many more fics where it was all a big misunderstanding or convenient accident that ponies react negatively, (from the humans POV anyway).
My main bit of advice would be to keep his emotions a little less unstable, he goes from nearly pissing himself in fear, a short bit of relief to shouting insults at characters he likes in the space of a minute. All the while ignoring facts like, If they shoot him again, so what? More pretty and harmless lights.
Anyway, liking the story so far, some good humor sprinkled in is nice, can I have some more?
Edit: I also don't agree with scootareader on this, it doesn't HAVE to be clop to get better reviews, some of the highest rated stories I have ever seen barely leave the everyone rating and you can attract pervy teens with a non clop story, that's what the teen rating is for.
looking at the title right now and the description and thats pretty much me i a nutshell lets see what we got
ok this is very well done almost everything you have written in this so far is about exactly what i would have done in that situation its so close its scary
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Thank you all for the feedback you have been giving me. I highly appreciate it and will work towards being a better writer from the information you have given. If you are following this story, I hope the future chapter I have planned so far will be satisfactory and answer all questions.
i like this it make me wonder what would happen if humans could be immune to magic or at
least absorb it making them immune to magic meaning they would have a lot of power so if
a random human came to Equestria they would be extremely powerful. because pony's aren't
as strong as humans (pony's not horses). but anyway that's just my thoughts please keep making
more chapters i would like to find out what happens next
I like it.Its better than that **** those people call stories.Now the ideas are not original and they suck.Most of the Naruto crossovers are trash with horrible plots.Thank you for making something REMOTELY good.