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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's difficult to read but I powered through.
Interesting story, but no grammar.
4142111 sorry about that I will fix that in the later chapters
4141979 what do you mean hard to read? I'd like to know so I could fix it up for any later chapters
4142115 By that, spet means it's, well, literally hard to read.
4142116 yeah I got that I was wondering exactly how. Is it bland, not descriptive enough, uninteresting characters or just straight out hard and painful to read
4142119 Straight out hard. You have a good start, an interesting story, and the Canon characters are acting the way they would, but the grammar is, no offense, horrible.
4142126 okay thanks for clearing that up. I'm currently searching for a proof reader or editor to help with these mistakes but so far I've been the only one going through and grammar is not really my strong suit
4142134 I'd love to proof read and edit!
4142144 well if you are up for it I don't think I'm in the position to have any good reason to decline so if I may I'll take you up on that offer.
4142162 Ok. I've always wanted to proof read stories.
4142168 well next time I get close to finishing one I'll shoot you a message and we can talk or something. I've never done this before either
4142177 Alright. Just to let you know, I go to multiple schools, so I won't be on as much as your average student.
4142183 yeah that's fine I'll just message you and wait
Just like the sword changed when his father used it with the Elements of Harmony, the same will apply to Jesse. We will wait an see how many mares will fall in love with him.
4142195 oh you can bet your flank on that much my friend
4142200 Bet on what? The sword and the Elements or more mares falling in love with Jesse?
4142208 that is for you to think about while I sit back and continue to work (probably both to be completely honest so you hit it head on)
I have one and only one complaint about the story so far...
... The name "Blaire" is possibly the least intimidating or impressive villain name I've ever read. It makes me think of the 'rich girl' from Facts of Life, not a world-destroying villain.
4142260 this May be true to some degree but it was the most fitting out of all the names I had typed into the story. I may go back and change the name to something more villainous but right now I'm fine with it. And if that's your only complaint then it pleases me to know that the story is better than the villains name
Nice chapter.
majhost.com/gallery/BionicleBoy3333/Ponies/Reactions/131595314606.png
I'm just joking, don't take it seriously.
4151706 My heart is shattering into millions of tiny little pieces
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/012/073/7686178464_fdc8ea66c7.jpg
4151710 I couldn't stop laughing for twenty seconds. Damn, that's funny.
I used that image mainly because I couldn't find any thread to which I can test out my newly earned weapon. Gonna bookmark that, for later use...
I loved it all so much it was so awesome beyond awesome I can't wait to see where this is going to go next I'm so happy Luna's back.And the herd of eight beginsAnd two happy Luna's .
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Good story still and congrats on the proof reader earning...just roll with that incorrect statement...anywho the answers are a bit obvious to pridict and all but then,sometimes you can be proven wrong right?Stil is a good story so far but yeah goodluck in future events
Grammar needs some serious work (punctuation is a serious issue, along with random capitalized letters and various errors in the dialogue grammar) and Jesse is
kindaa wimp. Unless Nightmare Moon's grip was strong enough to rip chunks of flesh from his arm or her nails were sharp enough to puncture deep into the skin and damage an artery, when Jesse ripped his arm out of her grasp, he wouldn't be "bleeding out" any time soon. A human can lose ~2/3's of the blood in their body and survive. A few scratches aren't going to cause him to bleed that much. Add that on to him "staggering around" from that kind of an injury (minor lacerations wouldn't cause someone to stagger around, only blunt force trauma and serious blood loss) is just plain sad. If he got a concussion from being knocked out, I'd understand, but to stagger from a few scratches (even if they're deep) is just pathetic.BTW, how AU is this? Twilight didn't call any of the Mane Six her "friends" until after the whole Nightmare Moon situation. She didn't need "friends" (according to her mindset pre-NMM).
EDIT: Corrected some spelling. This is what I get for trying to offer advice after just waking up
I know it's already too late but I think your story have a serious discontinuity issue here in Chapter 4 already, althought your prologue is claimed to be re-written, it seems to be that there's a rather big issue here that requires an urgent recton:
For starters and the most obvious around is that considering that this is supposed to during Chapter 1 in the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration, then Twilight is not supposed to be she's depicted here, if anything she's antisocial (and even antipatic), with a no need for friends mentality and obsessed in finding the Elements Of Harmony, that and the fact that she consider herself to be on a temporary stay, as soon as the Summer Sun Celebration is over, she's suposed to head back to Canterlot to Continue with her stuides under Celestia, she's not supposed to be already moved and living in the Library just yet, it would be more like just spending a night in some place.
And second and the most glaring issue is that in when Celestia told him to go to Ponyville she said that Twilight and her friends already hold the Elements of Harmony, only for us to find-out that this is just not long before even the first half of Chapter 1 of the series, which makes absolutely no sense!
While the origins of the Elements being Tree Of Harmony, and the Fact that both Pony and Human realities are linked by The Magic Mirror Portal could be disregarde, lampshaded or replaced by claiming this is an alternate Universe, those serious discontinuity errors must be seriously adressed.
Alternate universe or not, THIS NEEDS TO BE FIXED!
If those mistakes are so common in the next eleven chapters I will have no other choice than retire this from my favorites and change my up-vote to a down-vote.
But here’s the real question though...
WHY SO SERIOUS???
If you do get that reference then u r awesome