It's not a bad fic, keep it up.

4013460 Thanks!

4013463 Your welcome.

Why Anthro, Why?

Why exactly is it a clop if no one is bucking her? Masturbation? Ship her with Flashy!

4013653 Because I thoroughly enjoy large breasts and find it easier to write for humanized characters then for ponies if it involves prolonged movement.
4013739 I think AppleJack at least does a pretty solid job of bucking her if we're talking about the same thing. Also, although I don't dislike that ship, I would rather ship her with an OC then Flash because I feel like I don't know anything about his character EXCEPT for things she may find attractive.

4013797 M'kay.

The story is solid, but you have typos all over your story. Those typos bring the reader out of the story and ruin the erotic effect.

4014329 I was a little afraid of that. I don't really have any friends who approve of this kind of thing and I'll admit, I'm a little embarrassed. I'm hoping to get better at editing this kind of story myself the more I get used to writing it.

myfacewhen.net/uploads/2058-thinking.jpg

That's really all I have to say about this.

Excellent stuff here.

I would love to see more from you.

A decent first story but there is a lot of room to improve on. I was going to write big paragraphs dissecting this story but you know what? Fuck it, have a numbered list:

1) Grammar and punctuation. There are groups on FIMFiction that are dedicated to helping you edit your story. You can find them by going to the groups page and searching for editor or editing.

2) It was really hard to picture the various sex positions the characters were in. Like some of them didn't seem physically possible. I think it would help if you reaffirmed the action/position the pony was in later on, it would definitely help. It's hard to figure out who is doing what.

3) Some parts of the dialogue were really hard to follow on who was actually saying what. For example:

“I see you two are enjoying yourselves.” Twilight groaned, wanting to assault AppleJack for interrupting an intimate moment again.

The reader will see this immediately connect it to Twilight because she's the successive name after the quote. The rest of the sentence is good, but you should either give a hint early on that it's AJ talking (using her speech inflection) or having her own the line herself.

“Ah see ya'll are enjoying yourselves.”

Additionally, some lines could have been better said, like this one:

“Uhm, yeah Fluttershy but only if I get to back to you.” Fluttershy nodded stepping over and lifting her sweater over her head

The "only if I get to back to you" is a point that can trip up a reader because of how it is phrased. It makes sense after rereading it, but on a first pass it feels a bit clunky. I think the "back to you" part is to blame. It feels like an incomplete sentence. What is she doing back to Fluttershy? Because this is a new paragraph, the connection isn't as strong as it should be.

4) AJ was protecting Shy? How? When? This didn't make a whole lot of sense whatsoever.

5) You constantly shift between several different ponies reactions at once in the same paragraph. This becomes more daunting and leaves a feeling of unorganized structuring. It's okay to include other ponies' feelings in the same paragraph, but try to make the paragraph focus mostly on one form's feelings. That way there isn't much confusion when you get to a "She moaned" when you were talking about Twi in the previous sentence, only for us to find out it was Fluttershy moaning or something.

6) Who the fuck is talking?

“It was my first time with a stallions member but I’ve always been more interested in asses then breasts, although yours are something I’ve imagined plenty of times.”

“Yeah. Personally they’re a real curse to me. I always imagined something like this were another girl had breasts rivalling mine and I got to play with them.”

“Man, I wonder if all pegasi have a major breast fetish since thats all Rainbow can think about too.”

“Rarity is really bad about it too. Now that I think about it, you’re the only one who doesn’t stare at my breasts when you think, you know, I’m not looking.”

Normally this is fine in a conversation with two people but when you get to three, you need to make it clear who is saying what.

7) Again:

AppleJack lowered her down, her mare breaker easily re-entering Twilights as almost to the hilt.

Twilight has a cock too now? Reentering Twilight's what?

Possession is a recurring error in your story, one that can be fixed up with a couple edit passes.

Overall, the idea is rather good but the execution is falling a bit behind. With an editor, you can definitely bring this story up to snuff. You're new at writing so mistakes like these are granted, but it shows that you have potential to write something really really good.

Good luck and keep writing!

4022224 Apparently the dude does not abide. But thank you, a lot. I've never been great at editing myself because none of my editors have made it so clear what I do wrong. Also, I had no idea there were editing groups here and feel pretty stupid for not looking. This will help me immensely when I try to self edit or write. I hope that my next work is one that you don't almost write paragraphs destroying!(thank you for not doing that by the way, paragraphs are way more frightening then a numbered list)

>AppleJack
-It's just 'Applejack', no multiples CAPs in her name.

Pinkie was lean and in shape but Rainbow was in such great shape that you could search every inch of her and you probably wouldn’t find even a centimeter of body fat on her.

Be more eloquent in your descriptions. Catch-all terms just make you look like a lazy, unimaginative author. Also, it's spelled wouldn't.

To sum this up?

Friendship with Benefits is Magic.

Twilight was going to embrace death by poonta