DirtyMind
Joined 28th Feb, 2014 ·
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DirtyMind · 14k words · 167 22 · 5.9k views
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It's not a bad fic, keep it up.
4013460 Thanks!
4013463 Your welcome.
Why Anthro, Why?
Why exactly is it a clop if no one is bucking her? Masturbation? Ship her with Flashy!
4013653 Because I thoroughly enjoy large breasts and find it easier to write for humanized characters then for ponies if it involves prolonged movement.
4013739 I think AppleJack at least does a pretty solid job of bucking her if we're talking about the same thing. Also, although I don't dislike that ship, I would rather ship her with an OC then Flash because I feel like I don't know anything about his character EXCEPT for things she may find attractive.
4013797 M'kay.
The story is solid, but you have typos all over your story. Those typos bring the reader out of the story and ruin the erotic effect.
4014329 I was a little afraid of that. I don't really have any friends who approve of this kind of thing and I'll admit, I'm a little embarrassed. I'm hoping to get better at editing this kind of story myself the more I get used to writing it.
myfacewhen.net/uploads/2058-thinking.jpg
That's really all I have to say about this.
Excellent stuff here.
I would love to see more from you.
A decent first story but there is a lot of room to improve on. I was going to write big paragraphs dissecting this story but you know what? Fuck it, have a numbered list:
1) Grammar and punctuation. There are groups on FIMFiction that are dedicated to helping you edit your story. You can find them by going to the groups page and searching for editor or editing.
2) It was really hard to picture the various sex positions the characters were in. Like some of them didn't seem physically possible. I think it would help if you reaffirmed the action/position the pony was in later on, it would definitely help. It's hard to figure out who is doing what.
3) Some parts of the dialogue were really hard to follow on who was actually saying what. For example:
The reader will see this immediately connect it to Twilight because she's the successive name after the quote. The rest of the sentence is good, but you should either give a hint early on that it's AJ talking (using her speech inflection) or having her own the line herself.
Additionally, some lines could have been better said, like this one:
The "only if I get to back to you" is a point that can trip up a reader because of how it is phrased. It makes sense after rereading it, but on a first pass it feels a bit clunky. I think the "back to you" part is to blame. It feels like an incomplete sentence. What is she doing back to Fluttershy? Because this is a new paragraph, the connection isn't as strong as it should be.
4) AJ was protecting Shy? How? When? This didn't make a whole lot of sense whatsoever.
5) You constantly shift between several different ponies reactions at once in the same paragraph. This becomes more daunting and leaves a feeling of unorganized structuring. It's okay to include other ponies' feelings in the same paragraph, but try to make the paragraph focus mostly on one form's feelings. That way there isn't much confusion when you get to a "She moaned" when you were talking about Twi in the previous sentence, only for us to find out it was Fluttershy moaning or something.
6) Who the fuck is talking?
Normally this is fine in a conversation with two people but when you get to three, you need to make it clear who is saying what.
7) Again:
Twilight has a cock too now? Reentering Twilight's what?
Possession is a recurring error in your story, one that can be fixed up with a couple edit passes.
Overall, the idea is rather good but the execution is falling a bit behind. With an editor, you can definitely bring this story up to snuff. You're new at writing so mistakes like these are granted, but it shows that you have potential to write something really really good.
Good luck and keep writing!
4022224 Apparently the dude does not abide. But thank you, a lot. I've never been great at editing myself because none of my editors have made it so clear what I do wrong. Also, I had no idea there were editing groups here and feel pretty stupid for not looking. This will help me immensely when I try to self edit or write. I hope that my next work is one that you don't almost write paragraphs destroying!(thank you for not doing that by the way, paragraphs are way more frightening then a numbered list)
4013797 I mean, giant breasts, check. Magical futa orgy, check. But why it had to be anthro.
pony.cscdn.us/pic/photo/2013/01/bedf1c8e3dfd604a69b6777e7c591eef_500.gif
4032209 I'm sorry. You will have to live with being unhappy about the anthro because I enjoy it far too much. Humans are just far too boring for my tastes and the idea of fur is amazing to me.
4032313
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/188/5/1/surprised_ponies_gif_by_darock1119-d56cd0o.gif
But I actually wanted feral. You know, crotch boobs, hooves and things like that.
4032320 Ah. Well then you are totally out of luck because although I could try writing clop for feral, I don't know horse or pony anatomy that well and would not find it nearly as arousing myself. I hope you find the stories you're looking for someday or that you enjoy mine!
Well this was a fun ride
But seriously, with huge knockers like that, I'd honestly feel sorry for Fluttershy first than to stare at it. I feel sorry for her... like, really really sorry. She doesn't want the attention, but she's been given such bright headlights that no pony could resist.
4148255 And now they're even bigger! Yeah, I know that its unfortunate for her but I've always loved the lewd bodied shy girl anyway.
4149279
I'm okay with it, but I just end up feeling sorry more than aroused
4150298 You may or may not like a later chapter then
4150655
Is that not what you expect from every viewer that reads your stories? If they will like it or not?
4151100 Yeah. That was not me being my brightest. Feel free to ignore any other attempts I make at being mysterious about upcoming chapters
4151720
"To know what to do from this point forward is the next step to discovering yourself in this world"
Like, that kind of mysterious or
"You wish to know, but you already knew. For knowing is only a simple switch in your mind, and this switch can and cannot be turned by just a simple flick."
Kind of mysterious?
4151814 *mind blown* No, I just have a tendency to enjoy hinting at what'll happen later on in a story. I don't tend to do it very well. Did you come up with those?
4152315
Well, yes. It is kind of like complicating simple things. Kind of like.
"Can you let me know what this secret is?"
And the answer being an obvious no, a mysterious or cryptic person would answer.
"You already know the answer, my dear. To know is to precieve within all the years you have lived, all the memories you have made. You seem to want to learn, but you can only recall a lesson that has already been taught."
4152773 Please stop giving the rest of us brain explosions.
It hurts.
~TOOWC
4813203
I do my best to twist the little twisting twists in this twisted life of mine.
4823395 You stop that.
How does she keep the cannon in her hair? Hammer Space? Really big Movie Pockets? The world may never know.
>AppleJack
-It's just 'Applejack', no multiples CAPs in her name.
4980580 Isn't it obvious? Her hair is bigger on the inside.
Be more eloquent in your descriptions. Catch-all terms just make you look like a lazy, unimaginative author. Also, it's spelled wouldn't.
Nice story with lots of potential, but somehow I just lost a grasp on what is going on in the middle of the story and stopped caring...
I do agree with 4022224 and hope you will do a little cleaning or a rewrite, so more people will be able to enjoy the plot or the rack (to be exact) of the story.
To sum this up?
Friendship with Benefits is Magic.
I imagine they look like they do in the Pony Beach Party picture on allrights FA page
Twilight was going to embrace death by poonta