ha gay I loved it

3966974
<3

Found a minor thing you may want to edit.

He shook on the beed, unable to lay still.

That should be bed.

Nice! :-)

I like the last half. The first felt a bit forced and rushed. There are some phrasing choices that don't work too well, and it could use a bit of editing for typos, but otherwise not bad.

The main thing is that, without giving Shining's mom (Velvet) any back story or development before the sex, it feels really unsatisfying. I'd like to know what led her to want that with her young son. Why him? Why so young? Why wouldn't she feel guilty until after and not before? Or if she did feel guilty then show it better than making her a little nervous. Rather than suddenly having her come into his room, I'd love to see an internal struggle in Twilight Velvet, see her lose to her lust, and, afterward, feel worse than just a little guilty.

Unless she has molested colts for years or Canterlot has really loose sexual morals, she'll be much more sensitive to the guilt than what you wrote.

Thanks for the story in any case! I look forward to more.

What is with you people and incest.

3967346
Yeah, I realize the first half is pretty eh. It was only as I got to the second half that I realized how this story really should be shaped. I might go correct the first half sometime. For now, I'm focusing on actually writing the rest.

I do appreciate the criticism, so thank you. Also, there will be sections from Velvet's POV as to show her struggling.

3967451 cause its hot and were all going to hell anyway (or at least i probably will since i like to read clop a lot)

3967628
Yes, we're going to hell in every religion

3967895 if we are let's make it fun for all on the way

So, yeah. I always wondered how shiny always ends up getting written in these incest stories. Not that I am complaining.

3967451 Humans are weird like that.

3967451 You people?

This story shows great potential, due mostly to your apparent skill. Needs a smidge of grammar work for the Grammar Nazis, but it's definitely above par.

I shall follow this. Don't disappoint me.

Me wanty more!

"He shook on the beed,"
-bed
Me and your father have talked about going out for dinner tonight
- I and your father (of even better: Your father and I )

3967628 Fuck yeah HELL FOR EVERYPONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To bad that Story got canceld but Its still a nice read

good ch shame this wont continue