Honey Pie Poni in Ponyville

by Ponyess

The Entry: 1

Author's Note:

Honey Pie Pony's POV

.

I had been feeling a bit lonely and unhappy, since no other ponies lives in Strawberry Land. I knew of the Ponies on the Ice-cream Isle, but this is still farther than I felt like going on this particular day. I love the ponies there, but now I wanted a new adventure, to go some-place new.

Strawberry had told me of a creek she referred to as the 'Magical Creek', she had been there on a summer when no rain came, until she asked for it, that is.

Now it is a very nice place, ever since. Trotting off along the green path, luscious trees lining the way, then I finally did get to the place I had been looking for, the creek. I knew I had found, what I'm looking for, since it isn't water in this creek, but a thick creamy Strawberry Milkshake, as it turned out. There could be no mistaking what I had found.

At least, I didn't need to ask, this just had to be the place. If it wasn't, at least I'm alone, so I wouldn't make a complete fool out of myself, when talking to a creek, even if it is a creek of Strawberry Milkshake.

“I wish there was a gate to a place with other ponies like myself behind the 'waterfall'!” I stated.

“Since it is a part of me, I guess I could try!” the creek responded.

“Thanks!” I replied.

I chose to act upon the idea, the gate actually was going to form inside of the waterfall, as I had wished. What was I going to lose, if it wasn't? So long as none saw me, I would be wet, and that would be the end of it.

I found what seems a fairly long cave inside of the waterfall, then I saw light on the other side. I slowly trotted towards it, eager to see what it was, and how the ponies on the other side would be. Friendly, hopefully, but they're ponies, so they would be bound to be nice. At least, it is how I imagined it.

As I came closer to the opening, I noticed that the main part of the light was separated in two sources of light from just slightly overhead. I just had no idea, as to how it had come to be.

Then it only takes me about a minute, before I spill out into the light of day, and there is a short patch of blond sand path from the mouth of the cage I had just exited. Looking back, the expression; 'Mouth of the Cave' made an entirely new meaning to me, since I could clearly see the mouth of a pink Pony, and her two eyes allowing light into the cave I had just come out of. How come there is a Pony painted on the wall of a barn, and why was the mouth of said Pony the entrance, or exit to the cave.

Comments

[Autum Breeze]

a little bit short, but okay so far

[Hierophant]

This critique provided via your solicitation to Professional Editorial Reviews. You asked for it.

Everything I said about your other story applies here, except that things are actually happening here. Characters execute actions and show intent. That's an improvement.

Otherwise, same problems.

ponies lives in Strawberry Land

-ponies lived

go some-place new

-someplace does not need a dash, it's a valid word

Now it is a very nice place, ever since.

-Now it's a nice place.
-Ever since, it's been a nice place.
-It's been a nice place ever since. (no comma)

Trotting off... the creek.

-I trotted down the green path, between rows of luscious trees, until finally arriving at the creek.

I could go on.

Think about how the subjects, verbs, and objects of your sentences interrelate. That's the first step toward organizing your ideas into proper paragraphs, chapters, and ultimately weave them together into full narratives.

Best of luck.