Redo

by Roamingmoon

Chapter 2

Chapter 2
Sam’s pov
Scootaloo walks out in front as we make our way towards a large farmhouse and barn. Scootaloo looks back and smiles.
“So, where are we” I ask from behind her?
“We are at my friend Applebloom’s house, if anyone knows where Rainbow Dash is, it’s her big sister Applejack” Scootaloo says while happily trotting up to the door. She bashes the door a few times and from inside we hear.
“I ’ma comin” for a few seconds we stand there and I take in what Scootaloo looks like. She has a nice lively orange coat, and a small set of wings with a dark but energetic purple mane and tail. My observations end when the door opens to reveal another filly, who I presume is Applebloom. She light yellow coat with a red mane and tail and a large bow on her head, right over her large innocent eyes. She looks back and forth between me and Scootaloo and smiles. Dawww, Cuteness overload. Wait, why did i think that.
“Heya Scootaloo, who’s yer friend” she asks glancing at me again with a smile. Is it even possible for somepony to be this cute? Why do i keep doing that? I think while smiling back.
“Oh, this is Star Spinner he’s new to ponyville.” Scootaloo says. Behind us we hear a large gasp. I turn around to see a pink pony, who is easily three times our size, with a giant grin on her face. I start to smile and wave at her but in the next second she becomes transparent and then disappears. What the hay. How did she. Where did she. That was so random. I look back to see the filly’s talking like a pony didn’t just disappear.
“How did she do that” I stammer and point in the direction that the pink pony just disappeared at.
“Oh that was Pinkie Pie, nopony knows how she actually does anything” the two filly’s say giggling again.
“Um okay” I say still looking at the spot the pink mare disappeared at. What are those three fillies’ giggling at… wait wasn’t there only two. I spin around to see a third young filly. Her nice white coat is draped in a purple mane and tail with two pink stripes through them, a small white horn sits on her head “Ummmm, who are you” I ask while my head tilts to the side in confusion. Which just elects another round of giggles from the three young fillies?
“I’m Sweetie bell, what’s your name” she says a small giggle still in her voice. “I’m, uh, Star Spinner” still confused.
“Maybe we should be goin in now, what’cha say” Applebloom pipes up, opening the door for the rest of us. We walk into a small hallway with some doors leading to the sides. Applebloom leads us down the hall chatting away with Sweetie bell, and Scootaloo, something about crusading and manticore taming. This house is nice why can’t I remember anything now, I freaked out when I saw Scootaloo, but now those things are starting to fade. When I saw Sweetie bell I felt like I knew her but couldn’t think of it, I’ll need to think about this later. “Yawl want anything ta drink” Applebloom says while leading us through one of the numerous doors in the hallway. This door leads to a very large kitchen. With an extremely large stallion sitting at the table. I freeze in front of him with my mouth hanging open. He’s huge what do they feed him entire trees. He could kick me clear over the entire orchard and then some, personal note do not piss off giant stallion. I take in his features after I accept his size; a nice red coat reminds me of apples, an orange mane and tail. Last but not least a large green apple on his flank. I look back at my flank. I’ll ask about that later. Applebloom sees me staring at big mac “Hey Big Mac this is Star Spinner he’s new to ponyville” She says out loud. Big Mac turns toward me.
“Eeyup” he says out loud. I look up at him for a few moments.
“Strong silent type” I ask.
“Eeyup, energetic youngster” he asks with his rumbling voice.
“Yup” I say smiling
“Fair nuf” he says smiling back at me. I laugh and turn towards the three fillies who are on the floor laughing at me and Big Macs exchange. A minute of rolling around on the floor and a lot of laughing and the filly’s stand up still shaking a little.
“How bout I get us some apple juice and cupcakes” Applebloom says while pulling out a pitcher of fresh apple juice and jumps up on a stool only to lose her balance and fall back dropping her pitcher. I shut my eyes waiting for the inevitable crash, but after about twenty seconds it doesn’t come my eyes slowly creak open to see both apple bloom and the pitcher of apple juice floating in midair surrounded by a silver aura. I look around at everyone to see them staring at me even Big Mac, finally I notice a glow coming from the horn on my head. “Ummmm, iffin you don’t mind I’d like to get down” Applebloom says looking annoyed. A blush creeps onto my face as I try to figure out how I did it. I close my eyes and think. I want Applebloom on the ground, the apple juice in the pitcher and the pitcher on the counter, I want Applebloom on the ground, the apple juice in the pitcher and the pitcher on the counter. I open my eyes to see apple bloom on the ground and the pitcher on the counter, not even a single drop of juice spilled. Everyone is looking at me in shock, except Applebloom.
“Yah saved me” She tackles me to the ground in a huge, which makes me blush some.” Thank you” She says giving me a nuzzle.
“Eeyup” Big Mac says with a little chuckle while he gets up to pour us the apple juice. Oh Celestia I just got hugged and nuzzled by Applebloom… Sweet. I slowly stand and look at the three fillies who are paying attention to Big Mac who is giving them their apple juice and cupcakes. He turns to me and hands me a cupcake. A pink blur and a sadistic smile flash before my eyes then disappears. What was that? I shrug and take a bite. My eyes widen at the sweet and intoxicating flavor. Within a second the cupcake has been devoured. Big Mac and the fillies all laugh at my reaction to the cupcake and I look at them confused.
“Everyone has that reaction when they try Pinkie Pies baked goods” Sweetie bell says, while Big Mac hands me the cup of apple juice which I sip. Then I drank down the juice with a vengeance letting out a sigh after it’s done and plaster a happy grin on my face. This also makes everypony laugh again while Big Mac goes back to his seat smiling.
“Everyone has tha reaction to our apples to” Applebloom says between laughs. They smile and laugh some more and talk and talk for what seems like hours, but I know it’s just ten minutes. When Scootaloo jumps up “Oh yeah we came here to see if you knew where your sister was so we could find Rainbow Dash”.
“Well I think they were both in the south field” Applebloom says, and before I can say thank you everything blurs and we are out the door.
Applebloom’s pov
I look at the spot where Star was in shock for a moment then looks to Scootaloo who is gone. Where the hay did she go. I look at Sweetie bell and her wide eyes then back at where Star was. “Well that was different weren’t it” I ask Sweetie.
“Yep, let’s go get them” she says running to the door. I feel a smile stretch on my face as I run after her trying to catch up.
To be continued

Comments

[ponyaddict]

Right, so I've forced my way through three chapters so far to satisfy my amateur literary criticism bent, and I think I can safely make a list of things to improve for the next draft:

Spelling and grammar -
Though the spelling and grammar here isn't as bad as some stories I've seen, it is still not perfect. This is the biggest thing you can do to improve the readability and likeability of your writing. If the spelling and grammar are off it makes people have to do extra work translating it to proper form to understand what you're saying, and any brilliant storytelling will be lost in the translation.

Formatting -
Working on the infinite canvas of the page may seem like you don't have to worry much about it, but in reality it makes it even more important. Study formatting in books and successful fan works, you will notice similar formats in all of them. First off, center justification should only be used for titles, headers, poetry, or songs when writing fiction. For everything else, left justify your text. Either indent new paragraphs (hard with fimfiction's formatting tools) or leave an entire empty line between them. When a new character starts speaking, always make a new paragraph. As for the point of view transitions you do, marking the transition is unnecessary if you have what is called a third-person omniscient narrator. It assumes the narrator, and by extension the reader, can see anything you want them to. The point of view change is implied when you start talking about the new character.

Presentation details aside, let's move to the meat of your story thus far and how it relates to tropes. Tropes are recurring plot devices and themes in story telling, and various genres of stories have their own tropes associated with them. I will list the major ones you've hit here and let you know the dangers you encounter while writing them.

Death Ponified - instead of dying, a human(s) is transported to Equestria for another shot at life.
This is dangerous because it is often used as a cheap ploy for heightened emotion to garner sympathy for the protagonist. You want your readers to like your protagonist for who he is, not the back story you give him. For instance, Steve Jobs had cancer, but it did not change the fact that he was an ass on a personal level. In addition to being a fairly cheap way to tug at your readers' heart strings, it has also been used to death. Your usage of it avoids the emotional blackmail, and is straightforward over and done with very quickly.

Mary Sue/Gary Stu/Alicorn self insert - the author inserts him- or herself into Equestria as distinctly out of the ordinary, even as an Alicorn.
This is dangerous. Never, ever do this unless you are planning to heavily subvert what it entails. This tropes danger is as follows: with an over powered, universally liked protagonist, no conflict seems reasonable. Without conflict, a story isn't worth reading. This can be subverted if you are planning on making the protagonist's new power useless somehow. For example, in a certain HiE fan fiction the protagonist is shown to have a unique power over the villain, only to find out that the power and special treatment he's been getting has been from the real mastermind behind the scenes. Another way to subvert the trope and avoid the cliche would be to warp it into the unwanted power trope, which is far less used in fan fiction.

Getting down to the heart of the matter, if you've stayed with me this long, is the biggest problem.

This is chapter 3, and we still don't have any conflict. The protagonist doesn't seem to want anything he cannot easily obtain, and he faces no adversity in obtaining any of it.

To put that in perspective, it's like walking on a treadmill when you could be taking a scenic hike through the woods. There's travel, sure, but nothing of importance is going on. All stories told, throughout all of human history, are about somebody who wants something and has to work to get it. This is the heart of story telling, the heart of fiction.