Dash had just walked out of sight, as I started to walk back to my home. First now I realised, just how hungry I am. Never had I flown anywhere as far, or fast before.
If they had known it was me, how would they have reacted? Some may look down at me, just for accepting her offer to be her pet. Some would look up to me, for how fast I had been flying today, and for how far I had been flying. Some would look up to me, for daring to listen to my heart and do what I secretly wanted all along, even before I knew I had desired it. Others would find it admirable to be associated with a mare like Dash. Hell, who wouldn't feel like that. I guess I was finding it exciting, just to be a step closer to her. Even if I knew I'm as close to her as I needed to be, just by being her friend and follow her on all the adventures, like when we had saved Princes Luna from the trap in her form as Nightmare Moon.
Princess Luna sure had been more than enough happy and appreciative at the time. Her sister, Princes Celestia still knew who I am, for what I had taken part in.
I opened the door and entered my home, only to see everyone there, waiting for me. I opened my food store, before I picked out the respective feeds for a few critters at the time, pouring up what they required. Once I had finished feeding everyone, I slipped the rest of the feeds back where I had found it, before I closed up and went into the kitchen and found myself something to eat. Too tired to actually look closer.
Slowly chewing my food, only to realise, I was too tired to do anything more with this day. I just carried the plate to the sink, before I left the kitchen and slipped into my bed. I soon found myself fast asleep. I know I was dreaming several times, but I never recall any of the dreams.
As I woke up I felt sore all over. My wings in particular. I had been flying more than I used to, much more so. I guess I am the one to blame, I had chosen to accept, maybe I shouldn't. Though I know I had enjoyed it.
Fragments of my dream haunting me, even though I can't recall anything out of it. Just the same, I'm hungry to the point of feeling starved. There is but the one thing to do about it, and it was called a breakfast. I picked up what I had left to eat, placing it on the table, before I hastily made a haste out of what I had found.
Once I had stuffed myself, I picked out the feeds for the critters, filling up a bowl at the time, until I had completed the task. I realised I had been less than inspired to do it, just as I knew I was to regret it, if I had not fed them all properly, then I sat down, watching them as they ate.
I put my saddle bags on before I walked to the door and opened it. I closed the door behind me and flew all the way to Sugar-Cube Corner where I knew Pinkie Pie was hard at work. I had to bring more food to my home and the one first stop was her.
Landing just before the door, skidding to a sudden halt before several surprised Ponies, guffawing as they stumbled to a stop in order not to run right into me. I just left them agape behind me. I did not care if they were staring, not today. I guess it is highly uncharacteristic of me.
Ofhorse they were staring, I knew it. Just to see me flying fast alone was an occasion worth a good stare. I could live with it. To see me skidding to a sudden halt outside the Sugar-Cube Corner, I guess it is priceless. That only amused me today. Maybe something truly had changed within me. Which was amusing me even further.
“Hiya, Pinkie Pie!” I then said, instead of my commonly inaudible whisper.
“Hi Flutters. What're you looking for this early in the day; Muffins, Cup-Cakes?” Pinkie pie squealed in her excitedly hyper manner.
“Yes please. I'm all out of both. I can't just keep working on an empty stomach. Oh, and three muffins right of the batch too, would be great, I'm starving!” I pointed out.
“Okie Dokie. Coming right up!” she announced, with a hint of surprise on her features.
Pinkie soon managed to slip a large batch of Muffins in a paper bag, and another batch of Cup-Cakes in the next, before she slipped the pastries for my breakfast on a plate she slipped onto the cart with a large glass of juice.
I slipped a pile of bits on the counter, watching her slide them into the register machine, before I walked out to the table by the window, waiting for her to serve me my much needed breakfast, feeling I was to enjoy having my meal out. The Sugar-Cube Corner is the place I usually did frequent, if and when I was hungry, and wanted to eat out.
I thought I had sensed something, but I couldn't quite put my finger or hoof to what it was, mainly because I couldn't recognise, or make sense out of what it was I had sensed. What I had sensed, was connected to Pinkie Pie, but if she had handed over the collar to Dash, there may be a reason, but it felt as if it had been deeper than just that. Maybe if Pinkie was handling all the collar trade of our small village?
I couldn't ask her, it felt too embarrassing to me. Yet something about her and the collar, or is there another someone behind her counter. Someone whom I had never seen or met before?
Naturally my thoughts were interrupted by Pinkie Pie serving my breakfast, but I guess I didn't mind since I still am very hungry. Maybe she did surprise me in coming in at the exact moment, but she also gave me a new whiff of what I had previously felt. There is a connection and it isn't just her handling the collar trade.
Ugh I can already tell this is bad just by reading the description. It's Fluttershy not Flutter Shy
3919805 I guess you're entitled to your own oppinion.
Though going by that little is rarely fair.
I'm curious, what is it you were hoping for?
At the right moment were RD asked Fluttershy to be her pet I couldnt stop to from giving me a facepalm... just like that? hey Shy wanna be my pet? yeah why not?... that is impossible to believe, i cant find a story at all, it feels like if you were trying to put everything in a nutshell...
You should start reading before you start writting. You seriously need either a proof reader or to read a good story so you can see all the mistakes you are making, this is just the second story I read from you and instead of improvement i think you are getting worst.
3919878 there should be room for more details on this aspect, though I could need a few pointers and hits where and how.
I guess i haven't been reading much as of late, but reading the same story over and over doesn't give much.
Now, that is interesting.
in some ways, I'm pondering if I put too much effort on the spelling, rather then the actual story, going by when you say this.
At least it is early in the story, but I still have to address the problem you pointed out. I can't escape it.
3919878 I added a few words up front before the question, in hope this would explain more of the problem you pointed out.
if it doesn't explain all of it, I can put forth more details later in the story.
3919899
Why don't you try writing all in swedish first then translate it to english. You like Flutterdash I recommend you to read the next fanfics if you don't know what to read:
Ponies in love by The Queen Baby, Yous Truly by Thanqol, Fluttershy's New Pet by Diablomuerte2.
To help you a little bit more with this fanfic you are workin at you should start with Fluttershy's new pet, Why? Because it is a similar theme only that Shy is the master and Dash asked to be the pet. But you gonna see that at least here Dash have a reason for that crazy request.
why must all the stories in this group be so not good ;_; ?....
3937141 group?
as in the pet play group?
at least I have time to improve upon this story.
3924519 that is mainly just another step in the process.
I guess this isn't my best FlutterDash.
by the looks, you're saying shy needs more motivation in order to accept the 'proposal'? if that's what you're saying, I have to put more into it.
I just may come to that, but at the current pace, it will take time.
3937324 yeah....
well that's good , when will it become readable?....
3937348 my Muse can be quite the tricky little beast.
never know when inspiration hit.
guess it is a part of the "Artist's Curse".
When it is readable, would also depend on what you consider readable,
but a few more chapters may help.
3937551 well i see a 80% negative rating , and comments saying to get a proof reader , so i assumed this story wasn't readable as a story....
3937578 like most of my stories, but it is merely some 20 votes up or down.
look around, even the best stries may have 50 downs, even though they have more ups too.
I hope to get this ballanced, somewhere within half a year or so.
I need to get to know the site, and which groups to place my stories on.
just as I need to devellop my stories, just like this one.
I'm trying to use the site features to help both stories and readers.
maybe this isn't exactly my best story.
Rainbow dash feels OOC and the writing in general seems stiff. The idea in itself is interesting, but I , myself think that it would be better to not have the ponies as anthro and the protagonist as a anonymous/OC pony or hman.
3937324
That is one part maybe, but it's not all. A story needs a lot more to keep the reader from saying buck it this sucks than just an idea.
Let's put it this way. When i read i can imagine the story in my head and when the writter is good enough you can almost see the whole picture in your head without thinking too much. And you can even feel what the characters are feeling. With your story i have a hard time knowing what is going on and the images in my head are sticks with little circles as heads.
It's like if you are just writing because you don't have anything else to do and as long as it makes sense for you it doesn't matter. We are not you so we don't know what you are thinking and it's up to you to let us know what exactly is what you want us to think... or at least, get us as close as possible from your main idea.
3938872 I could ask for a few pointers, and by the looks, the story isn't well recieved as it is.
Alternative Universe and Random only excuse so much,
if any character feels OOC or it feels stiff, I have missed something.
There may be room for an Antagonist later in the story, once I've presented the situation and intended characters.
Aside from humaNS, what others could be Antagonists?
3939256 That IS the readers prorogative. as much as the writer may hate it.
so my painting looks like a Rough skets, then? I guess that could make sense.
That's the point of writing, only once publishing, it matters to the Audience.
Which is where you came in. then you say I failed to 'WoW' you?
This early on, I could afford loosing a few readers, if i take the hints and advice given. With this said, what would make the story more enjoyable.
Adding another chapter alone wouldnt save the story, if none stay around to read it. only the chapters someone actually read is worth a thing in the story.
3939349
To begin with you should polish you writing skills because the problem is not the "idea" the problem is the way you present it to us, of course that if theres no readers then whats thw whole point of writing, but i have seen fanfics that start with the wrong foot like for example a taste of an apple, but chapter by chapter you were able to see how the writter started to improve taking in count all the advice the reader were giving, she took her time to polish her work and ended with an amazing story...
Theres going to be people that is going to stop reading since the beginning and others that are going to stay and see if you can really improve, I want to think that you want to be a better writer so putting aside the typos start to think how you can explain things better, tell us about the enviroment, the expressions the characters have, the interactions between them.
3939812 As much as it may get against some, but it feels as if this would be among my best comments this far.
Looking at the focus, and then shifting it from me telling the story, to you enjoying it. if I had no story to tell to begin with, the question would have been pointless/mote, but since I've been told I have a story, this is where the intereting part would begine.
Most of my stories may be in the early stages, before completion.
Though I have three I'm looking over as completed stories.
Maybe this work isn't as exciting for the writer to perform, but if it wasn't done, what's left for you as reader?
Yes, some are bound to leave, even if the story could have been enjoyable after the effect. (I hope I've got the initial writing down by now)
This leaves me with improving on the stories, including the details to enhance the story. (kind of like cutting a gem)
I thought I got the expressions, but I may have seen more then came out in the story?
Ah, landscapes. I seems to have put less effort and interest into these, then would have been desireable.
This is a story with Character Interaction, so I need to put them up front. I was planning more for the next and comming chapters too. even if I guess this doesn't exactly show in the story at this point.
If you're still with me by then, I'd appreciate if you gave a few hints on how things devellop.
3939812 if it is the 'Premice' that is the problem,
I guess the description would be the first place to start the change.
more. now. pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease???
4220557 I'll see if I can make the next chapter.
Hope you enjoy it once if is out.
4220557 Sorry for letting you wait all this long, I had forgoten or mixed up where I kept the file for the story.
Now I have just gone over the original story and reconsideled two conflicting stories and consolidated it.
I did go over the story, trying to sort out how best to express the intent, correcting grammar and spelling as I went.
Hope the story came out better in the process.