That's How The Cookie Crumbles

by Dash The Stampede

The Royal Goof-Off

Twilight Sparkle sat up, placing her empty teacup down on the aged oak table before her. She glanced about, taking in the sight before her with a contented sigh. Cookie crumbs, tea stains, and a variety of napkin-wads littered the floor about her, and the same could be said for her two guests. Princess Celestia looked up from her cup of Earl Hay with a smirk, glancing across the setup to her sister, Luna, who was muzzle-deep in her latest catch: the most succulent of chocolate-cherrychanga cookies from Sugarcube Corner. The latter Princess tilted her head upwards, facing the two alicorns before her, crumbs falling from her face and lips as the last of the cookie disappeared into The Royal Maw. Her eyes twinkled with the happiness of a giddy filly in the Royal Cake Factory as she gulped down the last of her Earl Hay.

It was undeniably the cutest thing Twilight had ever seen, Celestia casting her a knowing smile as they watched the Moon Princess finish her snack-topia.

Twilight raised a hoof to cover her eyes. "The cute! Its power is too much for the likes of me!" she finished the motions by falling backwards onto a carefully-conjured chaise lounge, wings splaying to her sides, just as Rarity had made her practice for hours on end. Etiquette lessons for drama were surprisingly difficult to master, and Twilight doubted she'd ever top Rarity's theatrics. She sat up, chuckling softly, enjoying the perturbed look on Luna's face. Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration, eyes crossed and tongue poking out the side of her mouth as she glared down the Princess of Magic.

"We do not believe we are...cute, Twilight Sparkle." Luna ruffled her wings and fidgeted. "We find it to be...less than endearing..." Luna reached for another sip of tea, her dry throat being met with the drier taste of library air and ceramic. "Sister? We- er, I feel like the posterior of a great jest." Luna furrowed her brow once more, glancing towards the still-chuckling Princess Twilight.

"Perhaps it is just your overactive imagination, Lulu?" Celestia said, winking in her sister's direction.

"Tiaaaa! Don't use that name in front of our host!" Luna blushed, hiding behind her mane.

"Oh come now, Luna, you and I both know that Twilight is more than ready to be integrated into our lives, and what better way than to show her just who Lulu is?" Celestia held a straight face, millennia of Court poker-faces under her belt, or beard, depending on who you asked.

"Heheeh. Well, in any matter, I'm honored that you could join me for my Princess Tea Party, Princess Celestia; Princess Luna. I've had to clear my schedule fifteen times since last Tuesday to ensure we had this block of time available!" Twilight stood back up from her *borrowed* fainting couch, sitting back at the table before Equestria's original rulers.

"But Twilight, it's only Friday! That was just three days ago!" Spike whined from the kitchen, poking his head out into the main room to frown at Twilight.

"Yes, Spike, but in those three days, I had to handle fifty separate complaints from the Mayor and citizens about my 'increased' role in the town's government and how I could fix the sudden influx of mail from all across the country! Derpy's had her hooves full since I started receiving hundreds of letters a week! I don't even know how all these ponies know my address!" Twilight huffed, letting out her frustration on the cookie before her, pounding it into cherry-chocolate crumbs before the teary-eyed Luna.

"What was that cookie's offense, Twilight Sp-Sparkle?" Luna sniffled, raising a hoof to snag another of the dwindling supply of sweets.

"Eheheheh...Nothing, I suppose." Twilight blushed, lighting her horn and re-constituting the cookie before the Moon Princess' eyes.

"Aha! MINE!" A dark blue aura snagged the cookie right out of Twilight's telekinetic field, its cherry goodness eradicated by the Royal Maw once more. "These cookies are incredible, Twilight Sparkle." Luna smiled, crumbs raining down from her muzzle into her empty teacup.

"I'm glad you like them, Princess Luna-roonie! I baked them myself!" Pinkie Pie burst from the teapot in the center of the table, spraying the remainder of the Earl Hay over the three Princesses.

"Sweet Starswirl's sexy beard!" Luna jumped backwards, slamming to the floor in a rather undignified position. Perhaps she could learn a thing or two from this 'Rarity' that Twilight often spoke of. Her taste in lounge chairs was impeccable for a mere designer.

"Aren't they super-spectacular-riffic?" Pinkie snagged one of the cookies, shoving it into her mouth before retreating back into the ceramic container.

Celestia held a hoof over her mouth, snickering softly into it as Twilight stared slack-jawed at the procession of events that had just occurred. "Ah, Pinkie Pie. Always a surprise meeting that mare. I don't believe we'll ever understand her." Celestia shook her head side to side, tsk'ing and sipping her tea.

"Pinkie Pie...That mare will cause an infarction in my eternal heart one of these days." Luna sat up, rubbing her wings softly, pushing feathers back into place after her impromptu tumble. "Twilight Sparkle, how do you deal with her?"

"Ehr...I've learned not to question Pinkie, it'll just hurt your head more." Twilight shrugged, moving to refill the now-empty teapot with the last of the Earl Hay.

"If you say so, young Twilight. If you say so." Luna pouted, crossing her forelegs in front of her.

"It is for the best, Lulu." Celestia winked once more, causing a spread of red to pepper her sister's face.

"Meh." Luna sniffled, reaching absentmindedly for another cookie. She did not notice the golden-clad white hoof reaching toward the plate as well. The two Princesses connected hooves with a loud clang, neither hoof making contact with a cookie. The cookie in question floated nearby, encased in a purple aura.

"Twilight Sparkle! I was going to eat that morsel!" Luna frowned.

"I fear that I too crave the taste of that last cookie, my faithful student." Celestia shrugged, lighting her horn to encase the cookie. However, her aura clenched nothing but air as the cookie disappeared before her eyes. "What?" Celestia scratched her chin, stroking an invisible beard in thought.

Luna lit her horn, causing a flowing beard to erupt from her sister's face, falling into her hooves as she contemplated.

"BY CELESTIA'S BEARD!" a shout echoed from the kitchen, the room falling eerily silent.

"Spiiiiike? Could you come here for a moment?" Twilight's eye twitched as Spike emerged from the kitchen, the patterns of the hardwood floor suddenly catching his interest.

"I'm sorry, Twilight. It was just too good to resist!" Spike snickered, whacking his hand against his knee in amusement. Twilight glanced in Celestia's direction, but was not met with a face full of 'TO THE MOON!', but rather with an entertained smile.

"Princess...? Is everything-" Twilight began, but the sudden white hoof in her mouth silenced her thoughts.

"Please, Twilight, I have lived for many many years, and have seen my share of pranks. It appears I have another to add to The Repertoire" Celestia wiped her mouth with a napkin, savoring the moment of blissful entertainment. "But I wish to know, whatever happened to that last cookie?"

Twilight smirked, levitating the cookie in question beside her, keeping it out of the reach of both princess' hooves. "You both wanted this cookie?" ideas for pranks raced through her head, perhaps Dash really was rubbing off on her. Her question was met with fervent nodding. "Well, I have an idea to decide who gets the cookie!" Twilight paced over to her tripod and sketchpad, drawing an intricate logo for something called a 'Goof-Off.' "You two shall participate in a Goof-Off for the desire of the cookie!" Twilight revealed her sketch with a flourish, her 'ponies' in worse shape than Dash's highlighter drawing, but still presentable.

Celestia and Luna glanced at Twilight before glaring at each other.

"It appears we are at an impasse, dear sister."

"Indeed, Lulu. I am sure you remember the standard rules?" Celestia touched her forehead to Luna's, in an improvised bow of sorts, sparks flying from both princesses' horns.

"I am well aware, T-T-T-Tia!" Luna snickered, magicking a bowl of deep green grass into existence before her, chowing down on the succulent treat.

At that moment, the multiverse felt its jimmies rustle in the most ungodly of ways, and the Force could not handle such power as that which coursed through Celestia's veins.

"IT." Celestia fired up her horn, the room filling with a bright light. "IS." The room spun before the three occupants, colors shifting from the dull pinkish-brown of the library to the blues and browns and greens of nature. "ON!" The spinning ceased, the trio finding themselves atop the Canterhorn Mountain, the city of Canterlot sprawled out hundreds of yards below them. The trio stood within a large, circular indent in the top of the mountain, with what appeared to be a Sue-mo circle drawn in the dirt beneath them. Luna sat on one side of the circle, eyes open in shock, staring ahead at the supernova of light erupting from Celestia's horn. Twilight stood several feet away, the cookie still held firmly within her aura.

"THIS GOOF-OFF IS OFFICIALLY ON!" Celestia roared, the mountaintop shaking with the force of one thousand suns, her beard flailing wildly about.

Luna gulped, sweating slightly at the heat before her. "Well, shit."

Author's Note:

Wrote this tonight as a quasi-birthday-request gift fic for my brohan Cerulean Voice. He requested " Luna try and somehow "explain" or "convince" Twilight that she is many many many times more powerful than Celestia because of the fact that she moves not only the moon, but thousands and thousands of suns as well. Also, that she is more qualified to raise the sun than her sister because it's just another star."

I know this isn't quite what he wanted, but he's getting it nonetheless. Expect an insane second chapter either tomorrow or Tuesday.

It's always a Tuesday.

I might need more Jethro Tull to write to. >.>

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CERU! <3
Who will be the victor of the cherrychanga choco chip cookie? Only insane jokes and silliness will tell!

Comments

[TwistedSpectrum]

Each of your story topics is more random than the last

But that keeps it interesting ^_^

[Dash The Stampede]

4195661
What's life without a shot of insanity and a chaser of random?

Perhaps I can work Balloon Ponies into the second chapter for ya!
~Dash The Stampede

[Cerulean Voice]

Totes reading after work

Edit: Finished work. Now for some therapy... or is it? I can never tell with you whether I'll receive therapy, or require more afterward.
Anyway...

Oh, Lawd, you do not disappoint! I completely forgot about asking you that question, it must have been months ago. But you remembered.
Wow, I'm honoured.

I now await the conclusion to this titanically tantilising story. Who will emerge the victor? Will volcanoes cover the land? Will a shooting star with a small pink marshmallow attached bring meteoric ruin upon all? Will Princess Twilight Sparkle even surrender the cookie when all is said and done?

Darn it, you both bless and curse me with your brilliance. Turmoil!

[TwistedSpectrum]

4195681
Hehe, I wouldn't put it past you.

I still need to work on my own balloon fic one of these days. I swear, I'll have free time to write eventually

[Weezil_Brony]

Sweet Jeebus Crispy, this had me giggling like a dumbass.

[Dash The Stampede]

4196784
I was chuckling all last night like a drunk dumbass while writing it! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
~Dash The Stampede

[DismantledAccount]

This was a thing. And I read it. And I will be reading more when there is more.

[Brushed Rhyme]

That was amazing, good job on it!

[Dash The Stampede]

4202556
Thanks!
I wrote it as a gift and had the idea since like, January, but I've gotten the first half done. Second half is under construction at the moment. Expect it here before the end of the day!

4198874
You know it.
~Dash The Stampede

[Brushed Rhyme]

4202844

Wow! That was quick!

Well timed for reading...

[Cerulean Voice]

So, uhhhh... When are we getting more Royal Goof Off goodness?
It calls to us and we wants it

[destinysWalrus]

Sweet Starswirl's sexy beard!

There. Right there. That put this story in my "Funny" list.