Demon Hunter

by The Dude

Chapter 10

Ponyville was beautiful this time of day. Colts and fillies were out playing, and their adult counter-parts were doing their daily activities. It was just a nice place to be really, really high in.

Grimes, Brave and I were walking through Ponyville with a mission, find the place known as Sugercube Corner. While Grimes and Brave were talking about something I was thinking important thoughts. What was I gonna get? I heard the cupcakes there were mindblowing but I had a craving for something cake like. But I doubt I could just pick up a cake without warning. What kind of cake did I want? I feel lemon would be pretty good. Oh well, i'll figure it all out when we get there.

I finally snapped back into reality, catching a bit of the conversation between Grimes and Brave."So basically I blast the prostitutes torso off, I'm not even that good at magic but the cocaine helped. So after that I was still super horny but her legs and crotch were in twelve places in my house. I didn't want to fuck her in the mouth or the eyes so I basically decided to cut and fuck a hole in stomach. After I fucked her I passed out and when I woke up I got it cleaned up."

"Grimes" Said Brave,"i'm pretty sure you are a celestia-damned psychopath." Grimes smirked,"Well its only psychopaths who get to fuck the holes they make." I really wish I could have listened to this conversation from the beginning.

Finally Sugercube Corner was in sight, and it wasn't until now that I realize how bizarre that building is. Hell, it doesn't even look like a building, it looks more like a life size ginger bread house for a soon to be diabetic. I couldn't tell if it was edible or not, maybe should test that out.

I reached the door before the other two. I opened the door and held it open for Brave and Grimes to walk in. When they were inside I turned to what looked like a candy cane next to the door. I scanned around to see if anypony was watching me. After confirming they were all doing other things I decided to lick it. I went in close and stuck out my tongue and proceeded to lick it. Wood. Damn.

I entered the store to see Brave and Grimes waiting near the counter waiting. I don't think I've really been here before. I've heard that the cupcakes are orgasmic but I haven't really ever been here. Hopefully this experience wouldn't damage my sanity in any way. Then Pinkie Pie showed up.

"How you doin?" Said Pinkie Pie, suddenly appearing from behind the counter, her sudden appearance startling Brave but barely affecting Grimes. Suddenly she turned to me,"Icy! I haven't seen you in a long time. Were you able to get the glue out of your dirty magazines." Celestia kill me twice.

Grimes turned to Pinkie,"Glue?". Pinkie nodded her head,"Yeah, his magazines filled with naked ponies are stuck together and it's sad since you can't see all their jiggly bits." Grimes cracked a huge smile,"Pinkie I don't its glue thats sticking those pages together." Upon saying that Pinkie looked confused,"Let me give you a hint, it starts with a C and rhymes with dumb." After a quick thought process Pinkie's face confirmed she found her answer,"Ohhhhhhh its his cu-"

"PINKIE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, getting the attention of Pinkie and Grimes. I sighed,"We're here to get some stuff to eat." Suddenly Pinkie's face began to light up,"Oh then what do you want?" "Ummm....I'm thinking about getting a cake or something."

"Oh cake? What flavor? We got vanilla,chocolate, lemon, raspberry, raspberry vanilla,chocolate lemon,chicken. Oh we also got tons more flavors like.." I had to interrupt or we would be here all night."Uh I think chocolate would be great."

"Sure thing Icy! One chocolate cake coming right up! And maybe that chocolate would help your guy'es eyes." I gave a slight chuckle.

"Alrighty then!" Said Pinkie,"That'll be twelve bits." Oh shit. I completely forgot about the practice of exchanging goods for currency. But my small panic attack was ended when I saw Brave pull out a pouch of coins, and toss them onto the counter."Keep the change." Brave said."Oki dokey! It'll be done in about twenty minutes!" Pinkie turned and hopped to the kitchen.

I turned around and headed towards the door. It seemed like a nice day and I could probably just kill twenty minutes walking around Ponyville, something which I rarely did. I stepped outside of the bakery into the fresh air of the town I lived in, and began taking a walk. Brave and Grimes followed me outside and began to join in this walk extravaganza.

"So tell me Icy," Said Grimes,"how does somepony who apparently can use a tiny machine that shoots tiny pointed pieces not be able to aim in some tissues." I sighed,"I am going to kill you Grimes." He just chuckled in response.

I continued my walk, trying my best to ignore any future comments from that asshole Grimes I noticed a stand, a very certain stand that was currently occupied by one of the elements of harmony.

Applejack was currently selling a couple of apples to Lyra Heartstrings. Besides her there was Big Mac, and a small filly with red hair that is her........daughter? Sister? Yeah i'll just go with that.

I kept walking towards the apple stand. Applejack had finished her sale and saw me."Well howdy there Iceheart. What brings you here?"

"I'm just taking a walk, i'm waiting for a cake and I thought this would be a good way to kill time." After saying that I noticed how stupid what we were doing was. Why in fucks name are we buying a cake at three o clock? And why is it taking me this long to notice how stupid this all is?

"Oh, and are these you're friends?" She said pointing to Brave and Grimes."No" I said," they're just temporary assistants." Applejack nodded her head. Suddenly Grimes had jumped towards the stand."Excuse me pretty lady but who is that?" He said, pointing towards a very large red stallion.

"Well thats my brother." Said Applejack. Grimes eyes locked on on the red figure as he licked his lips."Mmm...gotta get me some of that." Applejack looked at him,"Uhh...beg you're pardon?"

"I haven't seen a stallion with a flank like that in a long time." Applejack's face changed from slight confusion to assertive."Are you saying what I think you're saying mister?"

I had to stop this before something bad happened. I jumped towards Grimes and pulled him away from the stand."Sorry about that he's just a bit....eccentric." I gave a slight grin trying to add a bit of humor to the situation."Thats okay Ice. I'm fine with people like him, just keep him away from my brother you hear?"

I nodded,"Will do." I turned around and grabbed Grimes and pushed him as far away from the apple stand as I could, until my arms got tired. Finally after pushing him a couple yards away I let go of him and began walking beside him."What are you doing?"

"What?" He said shrugging is shoulders,"I didn't do anything wrong." I gave him a stern look,"Dude, thats my assistant's friend's brother, you can't just try to fuck somepony like that."

"I'm sorry, it's just that he was fucking huge. And that means his dick must be like, fucking 12 inches at least man, and I haven't been fucked by huge cock in a long time. Have you ever been fucked by a huge dick and then just a regular dick? Its not the same."

I hit my face with my hoof and groaned,"You're the only pony I know who can make immortality sound awful." Grimes chuckled,"Whatever, lets go get that cake."

---

After walking around Ponyville for a couple minutes, we headed back to Sugercube Corner. I walked through the door with Brave and Grimes. Pinkie was standing behind the counter and as soon as she saw me a big grin formed on her face.

"Oh hey Icy your cake is done." Suddenly she ducked behind her counter and pulled out a big chocolate cake, covered in white frosting and coated with rainbow sprinkles. Just looking at it made my stomach growl.

"Sweet." I said, I walked over to the counter and took the cake from Pinkie's hooves."Thanks Pinkie." She nodded her head,"Thanks Icy! I made it with special care. And try not to get any of your stuff in that cake!"

The small grin that I had on my face turned to a blank face. Even though I could hear Grimes snickering I turned around and walked out of Sugercube Corner.

---

Getting that cake was an awesome idea. Everything was just perfect, there was not a single thing wrong at the moment. This moment is what ponies can only dream about. Simple bliss. And all it took was some good weed, some Gang Starr, a comfy couch and some chocolate cake.

The bong sat itself in Grimes hooves while he sucked the smoke from its head. Brave and I were laying back on the couch, we were in that state where we were higher than we have ever been, but not too high that it's overwhelming. But Grimes was packing bowls and finishing them all by himself, guess it takes more to get high for an immortal.

Grimes took his lips away from the bong and set it on the table. Suddenly he turned to Brave and I,"Hey I have a question for you guys, why the fuck did you guys become demon hunters?" Brave turned to him,"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you know, why did you guys become demon hunters?" Suddenly his eyes turned to me,"Like Iceheart you don't look like a demon hunter at all. So what made you want to become a demon hunter?"

"Um......" His stare made me look for something to say to him. But suddenly I realized I haven't asked myself that question, this whole time I have not truly asked myself that question. Why the hell did I become a demon hunter?

Then I realized, I pretty much dreamed of doing the stuff I'm doing now. Reading comic books, watching movies, and playing games about powerful warriors fighting crazy monsters and just being a total badass in general is stuff iv'e wanted to do my whole life.

Even though I became a writer, I still kinda had that sort of mind set, fuck I even wrote a book about a pony being some crazy badass. Unsettled by what I just discovered about myself I turned back to grimes."..money." I said nodding my head. Seeming satisfied by my answer Grimes turned to Brave,"And you?"

"Family business." Brave said casually. Grimes nodded his head and laid back down on the couch. Suddenly he shifted his head, turning to a clock on the wall and turning back to me and Brave."Dude its fucking seven, we need to get fucked up!" Suddenly he got off the couch and jumped on to the table,nearly knocking over the bong.

I wasn't content with his idea,"Nah man, lets just chill here." I said. The realization of why I became a demon hunter quickly dampened my mood."Come on Ice, we could go get super plastered and pick up some bitches to fuck." He jumped off the table and landed directly in front of me."I'm tired of listening shitty albums man." Did he just say my albums are shitty?

Grimes saw I wasn't responding so he turned to Brave,"Yo sweater vest, you wanna get drunk tonight?" Brave simply shrugged his shoulders,"A drink does sound pretty good about now."

Grimes raised his hooves high in the air,"Majority rules! Lets get fucked up!" Grimes turned away from me and ran for the door. Brave quietly stood up and followed. I looked over at Grimes who was holding open my front door,"Come on Ice, liquor and pussy!"

I sighed, damn majority.

---

We arrived at the Drunken Pony a quarter after seven. When we got here we sat down on a couple of barstools right in front of the counter. Brave ordered a small glass of bourbon while Grimes ordered a bottle of whiskey, he refused to take a glass, instead choosing to chug the bottle.

I just got a glass of beer, I wasn't in the mood to get very drunk but I wasn't about to be the only pony in a bar without a drink, thats like going to an abortion clinic to read the magazines and laugh at the crying mares.

Grimes and Brave were having some sort of conversation, a conversation so interesting that I chose to block it out. I just kept looking down at my beer, staring down into the urine colored honey that I chose to poison my liver with.

But Grimes saw that I wasn't really talking and chose to interrupt my staring contest with my beer."Hey man" He said, giving me a light punch in the arm,"we've been here twenty minutes and you're still on your first beer."

"I don't know" I responded,"just not in the mood to get drunk." I thought that would satisfy Grimes, but I should've known better."C'mon man." Grimes turned away from me and turned to the bartender,"Hey bartender get us some shots!" His head violently jerked back to me,"What do you drink?"

"Usually vodka." I said." What are you a 19 year old girl?" He turned back to the bartender,"Get us some whiskey!"

---

I was about two shots in when I finally felt the liquor kick in. I'm not the kind of colt who can pound down 3 bottles of booze and stand tall but I can down a couple of shots. I wasn't drunk enough to start waving my willy around and start knocking into shit, I was just tipsy enough to be a bit more expressive.

Grimes and I were having a conversation, with the occasional sentence from Brave, about whatever we found interesting at the time, mares, drugs, funny stories, whatever came into conversation."......So after killing her I pretty much used her shower and luckily able to get the bits of her that were stuck in my hair."

I gave a slight chuckle, who knew an immortal monster would have such interesting stories. I hadn't heard a word from Brave in a while so I turned to see what he was doing. Instead of listening to Grimes story of his ex girlfriend he was actually having a drink and talking with a mare. I couldn't hear what he was saying but apparently it was funny enough for the mare to burst out laughing. She had cream colored fur and reddish hair, I think i've seen her run a flower shop or something.

Then suddenly I heard the door to the bar open. Intrigued by who was now joining the party I saw as my assistant walk into the bar. I saw Twilight scan the bar looking for somepony, until her eyes laid themselves down upon me. She slowly walked towards me until we were in conversing distance.

"Ice!" She said, her voice drizzled with slight anger,"What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be getting drunk when theres an invasion on the horizon." I shrugged my shoulders,'I'm just kicking back a bit Twilight."

Grimes turned around in his seat and turned to Twilight holding a shot glass,"Hey purple bitch lets get fucked up." Twilight took a step back from Grimes,"I'm good thanks." It should have ended there, but Grimes apparently the type to let up easily."C'mon, just one."

Twilight sighed,"Fine I guess one won't hurt." She took the shot glass from Grime's hooves and took a seat on the barstool beside me. She took a small sip before completely gulping down the alcohol. She set down the shot glass down on the counter, her face looking as if she was a five year old taking her first sip of liquor, her face disgruntled as the nectar slid down her throat.

After setting down the shot glass she took a deep breath. Grimes looked over me to Twilight,"See? Wasn't that bad?" Twilight turned back to him,"Not bad. I could go for some more."

Grimes smirked,"Alright then, give me your glass." Twilight slid over Grimes and so did I. Grimes grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured it into both our glasses and even his own. He slid one to me and the other to Twilight. He grabbed his glass and raised it high,"Cheers."

[Two shots later]

"This was a pretty good idea."

[Two more shots later]

"The erections of small colts are like teaspoons, we all had them but we never got to use them."

[Two more shots later]

"I'm gonna pee everywhere."

---

I opened the door to the bar and stepped out in the streets of Ponyville. I held the door open for Brave and his mare as they walked out. They kept walking away from me until Brave turned around to see me,"See you back at your house!" He yelled.

"Don't fuck in my bed!" I yelled back at him, I giggled and turned back to the door to see Grimes exit the bar."See you later man." Said Grimes, slightly drunk. I simply nodded my head. Then I turned back to the door to see Twilight. She stumbled out of the bar and turned back to me.

At this point I was almost drunk to whip out my junk but just not. Twilight had this big smile planted right on her face,"Hey Icy" She said, words barely formed from her drunken mouth,"take me home."

Now normally I would have said,"Fine." and walked her home. But now I said,"Sure." my drunk voice reminiscent of a friendly grizzly bear.

I walked over to her, barely able to keep my balance. Once I got close to her she turned away and began walking.

We walked for five minutes until we reached a dark alley. Now I knew this wasn't where Twilight lived."Uh...Twilight?" Suddenly I was pushed into the alley and shoved against the wall by my purple assistant. In a flash her mouth came into contact with mine and began kissing me.

At first I was taken completely off guard, but I quickly came to accept it and began kissing her as well. Suddenly she pulled her mouth away from mine and jerked back,"I've wanted to do this for a long time."

"Really?" I said confused.She nodded her head,"Recently I just thinking you're kinda cute." She began trottings towards me until she was close enough to place her hoof upon my stomach,"Maybe it was seeing you on that stripper pole but you make me hot." Her hoof slowly began tracing down my stomach until she was only inches from my groin. Now this I wasn't expecting. I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for what was going to happen.

"Twilight?" Said an unknown voice.

I jerked my head to see Rainbow standing outside of the alley."Rainbow?" Said Twilight, quickly jumping away from me,"What'r.....what're you doing here?"

"I was just doing some flying for a bit of late night exercise when I saw you and Icy smacking your tongues together." I looked away and began scratching my back, which was quickly adopted by Twilight."But nevermind, keep doing what you were doing." Said Rainbow, quickly flying away.

"Im.....I....I gotta go." Said Twilight, quickly running out of the alley and probably back to her house. Contemplating what just happened and what could have happened, I sighed. Slowly I walked out of the alley and back to my house.

I opened the door and trotted up the stairs, ignoring the sounds of tongues colliding on my couch. Finally I reached my room where I fell upon my bed and passed out.

---

Over the course of writing this, I have grown an obsession with the band Death Grips and the show Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Oh yeah and rate this story and stuff. Or don't, its whatever you want. If it sucks tell me then.