Iceheart was just a normal pegasus just relaxing in ponyville, until one night of walking in the woods he is attacked by an unknown monster and is contacted by the princess to be something he thought he would never be, a demon hunter. Note: the picture is not mine I just found it online.
Oh Celestia I fucking hate hangovers. This particular one was the equivalent of a little blade constantly spinning mushing my brain into delicious brain smoothie.When I woke up I immediately ran to my bathroom and spent what seemed like weeks emptying my stomach into my toilet.
Because of my hangover I spent most of my day inside swearing at myself for the night before, which consisted mostly of shots of whatever I could afford. After about 4 hours and a lot of aspirin I could start thinking clearly since most of the thoughts before then were mostly " Ow this fucking hurts. ow".When midnight came I felt better so I went outside of my house in ponyville and flew too the woods and went for a walk.
The wind in my face felt really good against my mane. I saw some log and sat down to relax and chill. Now that it didn't feel like a fire dragon was fucking my skull with a sword I finally could think straight. I remember drinking shot after shot of vodka so cheap it tasted like paint thinner instead of something drinkable. But still, now I could remember myself trying drunkenly to hit on some white pony with a weird purple twirly hair, all I can remember is how highly she talked of herself like she was the goddamn princess.
Anyway I continued thinking these thoughts with a smile on my face remembering how stupid I can act drunk when I noticed something growling at me behind the bushes. It wasn't a deer. It wasn't a bunny. My best description would be a large pig, red eyes, sharp drooling teeth, and black skin that seemed to constantly move. "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" went the pig monster creature thing.
Now my first thought (beside HOLY FUCKING CELESTIA WHAT IS THAT AHHHHHHHHHH) was run as fast as I can. So I did. But the monster had the same idea. The monster kept breathing really, really hard, like a fat pony in a marathon. Then I remembered " wait I have wings" I said to myself. I jumped up and used my wings to try to get away. Key word try. As soon as I took off the monster jumped and hit me, sending me too the ground.
I crashed to the ground near a tree while the beast stood a few feet away turning to face me. I looked to my right and saw the only thing I could use to defend myself, a large sharp stick. Not a katana or mace but under the circumstances it would do. I grabbed it and heard the feet of the beast. I pointed the stick in front of me and closed my eyes. Then something happened, I didn't feel the beast crush my spine into jelly, I heard a loud squish. I looked in front of me and saw me stick had went into the eye of the creature.
" UHHHHHH AAH FUCK", it's hard to say something else when you have killed some giant pig thing. I pushed the pig off me and looked at it, it's cold red eyes, one gushing with a black liquid, it wasn't blood, it was too black. Immediately flew back home. I went home and grabbed some alcohol from my booze cabinet and sat at my table and thought about what happened, though most of my thoughts consisted of " CELESTIA WHAT IN THE SHIT WAS THAT THING". After alot of drinking I finally passed out on my table.
I awoke to the sound of someone knocking on my door. After falling out of my chair I opened my door and saw a some guy in armor,then I realized it was a guard of princess Celestia's.
"Iceheart, the princess wants to talk to you" he said.
When a guard comes to your house and tells you the princess wants too see you you don't back talk. I followed him to the castle where the princess was. oddly enough I wasn't thinking " What does the princess want with me?" I was still thinking about the pig monster creature thing. I had a hangover from the drinking last night cause after a fight with some monster it's hard to fall asleep but it wasn't as bad as the one yesterday. We got to the castle pretty quickly and went inside. The princess stood at the end of a huge room.
"Is this him."
"Yes Princess it is" said the guard.
"Hello Iceheart, I guess you are wondering why I have called you here."
"Uhhhhh yeah, why did you call me here it's not often the I get called by royalty."
" I want too talk to you about what you experienced last night." I froze, how could she know what happened last night?
" What you fought last night was a demon."
" Uhhhh a demon?"
"Yes, Equestria maybe a beautiful place but darkness lurks in the shadows, and killing a demon is no easy feat, I need to ask you to help me with something, you can refuse If you please, I will provide you with training and brand new weapons fresh from my engineers."
" Wait what the hell are you asking me?"
" I'm asking " said the princess " Do you want to be a demon hunter?"
[Present Day]
A 5 foot tall being covered in moving blackness, red eyes and the mouth of a dragon sprints through the woods, almost tearing down trees with it's hands. It keeps running jumping over bushes and even breaking through the trees. Suddenly Iceheart drops down from the trees directly in front of the demon. Wearing a black cloak, boots, and glasses. "SSHSHHHSU" hisses the demon, it extends it's hands and it stretches forward toward the him. He sidesteps the black arm and draws what seems like a samurai sword and implants it into the hand then into the tree. The demon shrieks but is interupted with the pony jumping towards it pulling out some metal contraption and pulling a trigger, splattering the demons head on a nearby tree and on the figure.
"Ewww I got fucking demon on me." I grab my sword which has even more demon on it. Man I never get tired of head shots. I looked back too see the demon just melting like ice cream in summer, these type of demons I call Black Spawns, their burning smells sort of like alot of melting berries for some reason. And I love the fact i get to go home smelling like a bush of blackberries. My 2nd demon hunt completed, man after training for 5 months it is finally good to be back home.
Authors note
Man sorry if this sucks, if theres any way i can make this any better please tell me.
"So how did the machines work?." asked Barry ( the royal engineer, and maker of my weapons ).
"Oh Celestia I love these things, seriously just point and BANG, seriously man if you made bigger holes, I would fuck the holes, these things are sexy."
"Thats one reason I didn't make bigger holes, sides they'ed get jammed pretty quickly."
"Oh and I named both of these things Ebony and Ivory, get it? "
"Yes i've played Devil may cry man." Said Barry.
"Oh thank god somebody got that reference, I swear to celestia if one more person asked why I named them that I would just explode." I said.
"Well one way to fix that is to not name your guns after something in a game, besides they're the same color ."
"Yeah I know but it lets people know what im into, kinda like wearing a t shirt that has pictures of old tv shows on them."
"Ok," Said Barry " Oh I forgot the princess wants too talk to you about something."
"Alright" I said, then I left Barry and walked too the Princess's room, I saw the guard but he looked at me and nodded and opened the door for me.
I looked In the door and saw the princess "Uh princess can I come in? "
"Come in, come in, guard close the door " she said then looked and the guard and he closed the door.
''Soooo Barry said you wanted to talk to me about something? "
"Yes, how are you liking your equipment? " She asked.
"The shooty things are really cool and so is the sword, but im not really digging the outfit, can I get this in red? "
"Oh of course."
[One red coat later]
"There we go." (I had to admit, I rocked red coats better then I thought I would).
"Any way," Said the princess, "One of my students is actually very interested in demons, even though she is not a fighter by anyway, and would like to see one but until now I didn't know a demon hunter that I could trust so I want to ask you if you can escort my student along some encounters if it wouldn't interfere."
"So you want me too have a partner? "
"Well yes, she lives in the Ponyville just like you, and I want you to meet her to learn about the value of something you seem to lack: Friendship."
I looked at her a little puzzled, " Friendship?? why would I need to learn about friendship, I can double backflip and shoot someone in midair then stab them. Friendship can't really teach me something like that or how to do that better."
" Friendship is very important, and looking at your history, is something you haven't experienced. You were a writer, wrote 2 books, almost no friends."
"You sound like my mother."
"Look it's just I really want her to get this demon obsession out of her head, and it might be good if you made some friends."
"Alright fine, whats her name?"
"Twilight Sparkle, her house is the giant tree you can't miss it, and I want you to meet her as soon as you get back into Ponyville. Im going to send her a letter telling her of your arrival." Well I knew I couldn't get out of this so I didn't argue any further.
"Fine."
The trip back home was pretty nice. Lots of clouds, nice weather, almost makes you forget that your carrying weapons made to kill creatures formed from pure evil incarnate. But then I remembered I was supposed to meet that Twilight so I changed my course for the giant tree house in the middle of town. I landed on the ground and looked around. Everything looked the same. Ponies were relaxing, talking, buying things, I even saw lyra and bon-bon sitting on a bench talking. They were a cute couple.
I started walking for the giant tree when I noticed a lot of ponies staring. Either it was my dark red coat or......no it was the red coat. I trotted up to the giant tree and knocked on the door. After a couple of seconds the door opened and the first thing I saw was a tiny little purple dragon. Now I've seen a dragon once in my life and compared to that this little dragon looked as terrifying as a cute baby filly playing with a tiny puppy in a sea of gumdrops. He looked like a pussy is what im trying to get a cross.
"Oh you must be that pony the princess talked about in the letter, come in come in." Said the tiny purple dragon. I walked into the seemingly spotless house and took my coat, carrying my guns and sword inside, on a little coat rack on the side of the door.
"Twilight he's here!!"
"Ok Spike, i'm coming." Said a voice from up the stairs, and then came down Twilight sparkle, a purple unicorn with a weird sparkly cutie mark."Oh hi you must be the hunter celestia was talking, about mr ......."
"Iceheart." I said.
"Well mr Iceheart i'm very excited to be on some demon hunts with you in the future, the princess says that you well trained and know what you're doing, plus i've been studying all about demons, vampires, ghouls, and black ghouls.
"Seems like you are really excited about finding some monsters huh?" Twilight looked at me super wide eyed, "Oh yes I can't wait, but the princess has also told me it's been a while since you were in Ponyville and since were going to be partners for a short while I think we should maybe discuss this more over drinks tonight if that's ok."
"Thats fine I guess." It seemed a little odd that somepony wanted to talk over drinks especially a mare.
"Great well meet me at the Drunken Pony at 8:00 ok?"
"Sounds great," I said, I was ready to go home and just hang out in my old house for a little bit and it did sound good to have a drink or two. "Well it was good meeting you Twilight, but im going to go home and relax for a bit."
"Oh ok well it was good meeting you." she said. "You too." I said grabbing my coat and putting it on.
"Bye!" said Twilight but instead of speaking I just waved back as I closed the door and headed to my house.
For some reason I felt like an asshole, maybe I acted like one but that wasn't my intent. But after fixing my coat so my guns were bumping against me I headed on back to my old house.
I unlocked my door and opened to find my house in exactly the same way I left it. Except just very dusty. As soon as I could I raced to my couch and immediately jumped on it. Oh celestia it felt so good. I looked at my table in front of my couch,it carried empty vodka bottles, potato chips, and an old copy of playpony. Best subscription ever. As soon as I saw that I laughed a bit, then remembered theres probably more in my mailbox. After a trip to the mailbox I walked back in my house carry 3 playpony's some bills and some junk mail I settled back on my couch. After all that all I could do was look back at my training.
"..And then when the punch comes in you block inside and then you can back hoove or just punch as hard as you can." Said the martial arts instructor who was teaching me moves for my future battles involving monsters, zombies, or whatever.
"Think you can do that?"
I nodded at him " I guess." "Ok" He stepped back and punched as fast as he can, but the 2 weeks before this have raised my reflexes a bit so I blocked it and threw my right hoof right in his face. But I sort of lost control and actually hit him and my punch sent him flying across the air and landing him on the ground.
"Oh shit im really sorry man!" I said running towards him.
"No no that's alright." He got up with a little bit of blood coming out of his nose. "When you're training to be a demon hunter some fierceness is required son." He walked up to me and put out his hoof, "Put her there." I reached and grabbed his hoof and shook for the brief second I could before he pulled me forward and slammed his knee in my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I fell on the ground holding my stomach while I heard my instructor laughing his ass off.
''Hahahahaha, and to be a demon hunter you need some resilience!"
I had to laugh a bit when he said that, if im gonna train to fight evil monsters I should have a little sense of humor.
I snapped out of my little trance 10 minutes later to find myself stil laying on the couch. I stood up and went up to my bedroom. I opened the door seeing the sun shining through the window onto my bed. I jumped right on my bed and even though some dust flew up in the air this was a great feeling I had missed over my training period. Man I felt like I could just fall asleep right then and there. But that feeling was interrupted by the fact I hadn't eaten in a couple hours and my stomach was demanding its daily payment of food.
I got up and walked to the kitchen and checked inside my fridge only to find most of my stuff to be moldy and stale. So after throwing out all the food in my fridge I kept looking and finally found some cashews that were in my drawer, yeah there not the best food to eat but I wasn't going to go and buy a sandwich or some new food ( I'm far too lazy to do something like that ). I took my brand new food source and took them to the couch and looked at the time. 5:45 uhh, well I had some time so I grabbed a handful of cashews and opened up one of the playpony's I brought in.
I waited inside of the Drunken pony sitting down at a small table with my drink and my glass. I came early because I wanted to get a drink before Twilight showed up. She kinda seemed like that annoying step sister who constantly obsessed over something all the time so I wanted to be at least a little tipsy before we talked. She did seem nice though, it would suck if I had to escort some whiny little bitch on my demon hunts. On the table was a small glass with ice in it, and some grape flavored vodka (surprised they had that really).
I left my coat and weapons at home since I didn't think I would need them right now, besides eventhough im a demon hunter I still want to live as a normal pony. I don't think I could just be badflank demon hunter all the time and not live a normal life,well as normal as a demon hunter could have a normal life.
I was going to ponder this more but then I saw Twilight. But for some reason it looked like she brought friends with her. One was a orange-ish looking pony with an apple cutie mark. One was pink with a strange balled up hair do and balloons as her cutie mark. One I remembered was the white purple twirly haired bitch I talked about earlier. Then there were two others, Rainbow dash and Fluttershy. I know there names because we went to school together from middle school to high school. Actually I remembered having this HUGE crush on fluttershy back in the 7th grade, I don't know she just seemed so different from the other mares.
"Oh Iceheart you're already here." said Twilight galloping over with her posse of pony friends.
"Yeah I came a little early for a drink."
"Sorry but when I told my friends I was going for a drink they insisted on coming and meeting you. So let me introduce you, this is Applejack." she said while pointing to the orange one."This is Pinkie Pie." she said pointing at the pink one who then smiled wider then I thought ponily possible." This is Rarity." she said while pointing to the white one, so now I the name of the pony I tried to hit on, " And this is Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash."
"Hi." I said.
"Howdy." Said Applejack as she sat down with all the other ponies at the table.
Rainbow Dash turned to me and started speaking. " When Twilight said she was going to a bar to meet a stallion I became really interested thinking Twilight has a boyfriend."
"Rainbow!" Said Twilight looking at Rainbow Dash red faced.
"No" I said "Lets just say she's going to be my colleague for a little while."
"Colleague doing what." Said Rarity.
"Umm........" I had no idea what to say. Celestia doesn't want to make the fact Im a demon hunter, it's a pretty secretive job to have.
"Oh Iceheart they can keep secrets. He's a demon hunter." Said Twilight.
"Demon hunter??" Said Applejack understandably looking a little puzzle."I thought they were myths and legends an stuff like that."
"I'm actually more surprised that HE'S a demon hunter." Said Rarity. " Hes scrawnier then what I would a demon hunter should look like." I was admittedly a little offended by her remarks, just because I'm not pure muscle like Big Mac (Yes I know him, we were both drunk and we talked a bit once at a party).
I looked at her grabbing my glass," You'd be surprised." and took a drink from my glass. After that it was silent for a second but then Rarity started talking about dresses she was making, then Rainbow started talking an upcoming Wonderbolts show, and then Applejack started talking about,I think her sister, Applebloom who wrecked the kitchen with her friends trying to get a cooking cutie mark or something, I tuned out most of their conversation.
I admittedly got a lot drunker then I wanted. Not drunk enough for me to start pissing outside jibbering nonsense, but just more drunk then I would like to be. Half of the bottle was left but it was like 10.30 so I wasn't really plastered but a little more buzzed then comfortable.
Rarity was now talking about some hot stallions she met in Canterlot that apparently flirted with her while she was getting coffee. But instead of giving a shit about what she was talking about something caught my eye, somepony was drunkenly threatening some pony I think because he accidently spilled some drink.
"You fuckin asshole, you spilled your drink all over me!" Said the unknown pony.
A very scared stallion looked at him and said "Look man I'm sorry, it was an accident."
"No no no no you fucking listen here." He then grabbed the pony and pulled him very close." If you don't get out of here I will kick the shit out of you, you get that?"
The scared pony nodded and was then thrown to the ground and immediately ran out of the bar.
I turned to Rainbow Dash and asked "Hey who's that guy over there?"
"Oh" She turned to me," That's Brawny Boulder, he moved in a couple months ago and hes been acting like a real jerk. But the thing is he is really tough so nopony wants to mess with him".
While talking we had not noticed that Brawny had moved near our table right behind Fluttershy.
"Hey pretty" He said putting his hoove on the table and looking at Fluttershy "You look like you need a big strong sexy stallion, how about I buy you a drink?"
Futtershy looked at him straight terrified, "Uh no thanks."
"I don't think you understand." Suddenly his voice filled with anger,"looks like you NEED a stallion."
Applejack stood up, " She said no."
"SHUT UP BITCH." He yelled at Applejack and then back to Fluttershy. "Now listen bitch..."
I cut him off mid-sentence, "Hey fuckhead!" I yelled at him and it seemed to get his attention."She said no. Leave asshole."
He looked at me angrily, "Oh, and what if I don't?"
"Then I'll kick your flank."
"Really" He said then quickly went in for a punch but I proved that my training didn't go do waste by blocking his hoof, punching him in the face, then grabbing his face and slamming his face onto the table and grabbed his hoof and put it behind his back.
"Really. Now look I don't want you to come over her again ok?"
He responded by grunting really loudly then turning his neck and saying "Fuck you".
I immediately raised his head and punched him in the face as hard as I could then I grabbed his head and slammed it into my knee then slammed his face into the table and put his hoof behind his back again.
I leaned in close to him,"Say that again I dare you." he smartly chose to not respond this time.
"Alright" I said, "Now I want you to leave this bar now, ok?"
This time he stupidly chose not to respond, so I raised his arm higher behind his back until I heard the cracks and screams.
"AHHHHHH" He screamed, "Ok ok ok."
"Now I want you to say your sorry, ok?"
"Im....im sorry." I could see he was crying a bit now, but I can't blame him, this flank whooping will probably change ponies opinion on him from big scary tough pony to about as tough and scary as a newborn filly, and the crying probably won't help him.
"Alright Im gonna let go and if I hear you mess with her more I will find you and break this hoof, then the other one, then your hooves, and then your neck. Is that clear?" "Ye..ye..yes." He said through his tears.
"Good." I quickly let go and pushed him to the ground next to our table and then I saw him wipe away his tears and run out of the bar. I slowly took back my seat now noticing other ponies staring at me, some with smiles, and the looks of my table mates.
"Well." Said Rarity awkwardly, "I guess I was wrong about you Iceheart."
I would have started gloating if an owl didn't fly into the bar and next too Twilight dropping a letter. She grabbed it and started reading. "Iceheart Celestia says she wants you go investigate a disturbance out a couple miles away."
"Alright fine." I stood up out of my chair and looked at Twilight, "But I need get my stuff,so I'll meet you at your house." Then I looked t all of the friends she brought, " Oh and It was nice meeting all of you by the way." Then we walked out of the bar and then I got my stuff and headed to Twilight's house. I saw her standing outside carrying a saddlebag.
"You ready?" I said to her. "Yep." "Well alright then." Then we headed out to investigate.
Most of the walk took place in silence. That is until Twilight broke it.
"Did you really have to do that?"
I looked at her puzzled, "What do you mean?"
"You know, did you have to almost break Brawny's arm and make him cry."
"Well it seemed like the right thing to do. He was an asshole."
"Well..." She sighed and looked away and then back at me, " I guess he was, but thank you for standing up to Fluttershy."
"No problem." After walking for about 30 minutes I asked "Are we close?"
"We are really close." We kept walking until we apparently found the place we were told to go. An open field. There was one thing in the field, a scarecrow hung on a stick. But then I noticed something right next to the scarecrow, it looked like a pig pile of red, but after we got closer and saw the crows pecking out the eyes we saw what it really was. A dead body.
"Ohh Celestia." Said Twilight, she looked sick looking at it. I however was conditioned to stuff like in this is training so I wasn't bothered.
"What did this?" I looked around, this body was fresh, the thing that did this wasn't far away.
"Heeheehehehehehe."
"Twilight I don't completely think this is funny."
She looked at me baffled,"That wasn't me."
"Hehehehehehehehahahahahahahaha." I finally saw who was giggling. The scarecrow.
"HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH." The scarecrow raised its head now giggling at unmeasuable volume, then it stopped laughing and looked directly at us. It had a smile as wide as a river and had teeth as sharp as my sword.
"Oh celestia thats a Giggling Gouge." Said Twilight.
"A what?" I looked at her completely clueless to what she said.
"A Giggiling Gouge was a creature made by Discord to kill and cause anarchy, they are able to change what they look like to blend into their environment."
The gouge then jumped off then on top the post where it used to hang and then released its claws. They were bloodsoaked but you could tell they were razor sharp.
"Alright then." I said pulling out my sword."How do you kill it?"
"You need to cut off the head."
"Sounds easy." The creature jumped of the post and landed right in front of me. It tried to swipe its claws but I blocked it with my sword then I tried to slash it but it jumped backwards and tried to attack again. I slashed my sword but it jumped straight over me and when it landed it swiped its claws at me. Luckily I was able to jump then I struck my sword down when I landed.
It sliced off the arm of the creature and was accompanied by a loud "EEEEEAAHHHHH" from the creature. It backflipped away from me and went in the worst direction it could, in Twilight's. I immediately pulled out both my guns and started shooting, I was able to get it in the leg and the chest a couple times but it barely slowed it down. It was only feet away Twilight so I put my guns away and ran for it. Before it could get to her I had jump kicked the Gouge knocking it to the ground. It rolled and immediately got back on its feet, heading straight for us. I pulled out my sword and waited for the right oppurtunity.
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!!" Screamed Twilight obviously scared for her life,"ATTACK IT!!!" The gouge,now only feet away, jumped and prepared it's claws to kill the both of us. The second it was close enough I swiped my sword at the creature, cutting off it's head. The gouge fell to the floor,spurting blood, limp and headless.
I turned to Twilight and gave a quick chuckle,"For a second back there it seemed like you didn't trust me."
Authors Note
I tried to improve this one, and sorry the other ones will probably have more actuall demon hunting. I hope you like it. Now the text is orange.
"You'll never take me alive!!" Said the necromancer jumping from gravestone to gravestone dodging my sword.
"Who said that was the intention?" I said now getting aggravated that he just jumped over my sword a thousand times.
It was midnight, the graveyard which we found ourselves fighting, even though I was the only one actually doing any fighting, a necromancer who apparently was harvesting something from the bodies that were buried there. The necromancer was wearing a long black robe and he was carrying a large wooden staff that had some sort of orb on it. The necromancer stood on one of the grave stones at the end of the graveyard, looking at me with his big green eyes.
"Alright I'm done toying with you, ARISE!!!!!" He said as he waved his staff as it glowed and suddenly the ground began to shake. Hands started reaching out from the ground and what emerged were figures without eyes, faces, or arms. They were zombie ponies. About 14.
"AHHHH" Screamed Twilight. Even though she had seen me hunt a couple demons, she still wasn't completely resistant to seeing scary things yet.
I immediately pulled out both my guns and began shooting. I got a couple in the head (That's where you got to shoot to kill them according to Twilight.) but most of my bullets hit the zombies chest. After killing bout 5, I put my guns away and pulled out my sword and charged. I sliced off the heads of 3 almost immediately and then I killed the others soon after that, leaving a trail of former pony heads hitting the ground.
"Oh you little bastard." Said the necromancer giving me the kinda look like a just farted on his brand new couch.
"Alright I'm done with you, I've got more important things." He then turned and ran as fast as he can, But I wasn't gonna let him leave. I dropped my sword and pulled out my guns. Trying to aim carefully, I got him in sight. I pulled the trigger and saw him get shot straight in the leg, this was then accompanied by the appropriate "OWWW MOTHERFUCKER".
I walked up to him and saw him clutching his leg, his hoof was covering in his own blood. The wound left a big hole in his leg that kept bleeding like a fountain, it hit on the lower end of his leg so he wouldn't be able to walk again. Not like it mattered for long.
"Alright alright."After taking a long breath continued, "I'll go to jail." I had to look at him and chuckle, "Who said that was my intention?" He looked at me with his eyes opened wide and a sudden terrified look struck his face."OH NO OH N-" Was all he got to see before I put a bullet in his face. I turned around and saw Twilight's face. Some kind of mix of anger and rage. I looked at her in confusion.
"What?" I said.
"You just desecrated some ponies dead relatives, and you just killed somepony in cold blood!" She yelled at me.
"But he was going to kill us if I didn't kill him."
Twilight looked at me and sighed, " I guess thats true,so how are we going to put the zombies back in their graves and clean up this mess?" "Lets just ask the princess to clean this up for us, isn't that what usually happens?"
Twilight sighed," I guess." she looked at me with sad eyes,"Sorry for getting mad, I know its your job but i'm just not used to this type of violence." I simply nodded, she told me she was in ponyville to learn about friendship so I couldn't blame her if she wasn't completely numb yet.
"So you finally done with this demon observation?" I said to her.
Her face suddenly lit up "Oh no, i'm learning so much that I couldn't from reading. It's just i'm not used to violence and stuff like that." I sighed and said "Well, tell Celestia about the mess here because I just wanna go home." She nodded at me and both of us headed back to Ponyville.
On the walk back to the small town Twilight asked me a question i'd rather she didn't." Hey Iceheart," She said in a soft voice,"How did you become a demon hunter in the first place?"
"Um...well I was walking in the woods and some demon boar attacked me an.."
"Oh" She said " You mean a nago right?"
I had no idea what she just said but I just nodded and continued talking,"Uh yeah. Then a guard took me to celestia and she said she would offer me a job demon hunting, then I went into training for 5 months learning how to fight and other stuff like learning about demons and stuff."
Twilight looked at me with a confused look,"But it looks like you don't know anything about demons."
"Well the same guy taught me all I know about fighting and stuff like that. Basically he just told me that pretty much most demons just need a good beating except the bigger ones. Actually in retrospect he was a really shitty teacher."
She gave a slight giggle,"Well what did you to before this?"
"I was a writer." I said then I lifted up my red coat showing her the quill cutie mark on my flank.
"Uh." I could tell by her voice she was thinking "Of course, I've seen his cutie mark how could I not think he was a writer."
Her face changed into a look of confusion,"Well if you were a writer then why did you become a demon hunter?"
I sighed,"Well nobody bought any of the books I wrote, nobody really cared about them."
"So you just gave up?"
"No, its just it didn't pay enough and if I had the opportunity to make money and do something that kinda actually matters I would take it. And thats why I became a hunter."
The rest of the trip was walked in silence.When we reached town, Twilight went back to her house and I went back to mine.
I woke up in my bed and looked at the clock on my dresser. 12:56pm. But the thing is that unlike a regular job I don't really get up unless Celestia tells me there's a demon on the loose.
It wasn't until about 1:09pm until I finally decided my bed wasn't the place to be at the moment. I Got up and went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. By the look of my scraggly blue mane and dirty face I decided the best thing to go do was get a shower.
Oh Celestia I forgot how much I loved showering. It's been 3 weeks since I got back and it still surprises me how much I missed my old shower. I think the fact is all the little shower stuff. When I used to write I would just shower and think up new ideas. I had like high quality shampoo, I had little shower beads, little scrubber things, and conditioner that I all buy from a store all the way in Canterlot.
Anyway when I was done I dried up myself with a towel and went down to my kitchen to make some breakfast.I walked up to my tom the cabinet where I kept all my cereal and pulled out a box of "Pony Hooves".
I grabbed a bowl and set it down and then I got some milk out of my fridge. I poured some cereal then some milk in and began to eat my breakfast. I didn't really know if this counted as breakfast unless breakfast includes a bunch of sugary marsh mellows and some shapes made out of..something I don't really know.
After I ate all the marsh mellows I emptied the bowl in the sink and then went to my living room and crashed out on my couch. I looked around the room while still sitting on the couch like I was looking for something.
This place really needs some good music. I looked over and saw my record player on the other side of the room sitting on a shelf with all of my records. I stood up and went to the shelf and looked at my records.
What did I feel like listening to today? After a minute of thinking I selected a record and pulled it out of its sleeve and put it on the record player and and put the needle down.
I sat back on my couch and slowly began to embrace and enjoy my situation at the moment. Everything seemed perfect, I could just hang out and listen to music all day, maybe even go get some food or something. Yep today seemed like I wouldn't need to do anything today.
Then some pony knocked on my door. Celestia damnit. I opened up the door to see Rainbow dash standing outside.
"Hey Iceheart Twilight says you need to meet her at her house. Celestia says she needs you."
"Uh..alright, just let me get my things." I turned around and found my coat rack and saw my beautiful red coat. I grabbed it and put my hooves through the sleeves and headed back to the door way. I took off the record and put it back in its sleeve. I then walked back to the door.
I turned to dash,"Alright lets go."
Rainbow nodded and we began to walk to Twilight's.
"Hey Iceheart." Rainbow Dash turned to me and started to speak. "So what are you and Twilight doing?"
I looked at her in slight confusion but I knew what she was talking about."What do you mean?"
"Well you and her are spending a lot of time together so I was wondering if you guys are....."
"Look, me and her aren't doing anything together, when i'm with her i'm hunting demons. Thats it."
"Ok ok, I just wanted to know." Said Rainbow.
By now we were near Twilight's house. I could already see that giant tree and the purple pony and small dragon out front. Rainbow and I walked to the house until we were in talking distance from Twilight. As soon as we were close Twilight looked at me and spoke.
"There you are. Celestia just sent me a letter saying that there's something in the forest that's apparently attacked a pony and she wants us to go defeat it."
"You mean kill it right?"
"Uhhh right..so you ready?"
"Yeah I'm ready,lets go."
And with that me and Twilight went to go kill some demon in the woods. Wait she never said that it was a demon,so why was I called to take care of this. What if the disturbance was caused by a angry panda?? I don't think I want to go kill a panda. Well I didn't want to ask so I just kept walking with Twilight into the woods.
"So where is this disturbance exactly??" I had to ask Twilight after walking in the woods for over 20 minutes. I was starting to get impatient for something that might not even be a demon.
"Well..Celestia said that the attacking happened somewhere in the middle of the forest."
"You know what screw this." I said then I began to flap my wings and fly into the air and flew up into the sky. I didn't really use my wings to fly a lot unless I needed to. I Began to fly around the forest looking for anything that might have caused the disturbance. I kept scanning and scanning until I noticed something. A fast black figure moving through the woods. This was probably it. It was moving faster then a regular animal so my presence might actually make sense. I flew faster to catch up to it but it just kept on running, and running,and running. Finally the being slowed down so I was able to land on the ground a few feet away from the creature. I landed on a small patch of grass away from the trees where the monster was resting. It looked like a big white wolf. I had to get it to notice my presence.
"Hey!!" I yelled. The creature turned around and looked into my eyes as I looked into its. It had the body of a wolf but it had the face of some sort of bat. It was certainly an odd demon. I smirked as I pulled out my gun and shot right between preparing a witty one-liner.
Or I would if the creature reacted. It didn't even react to being shot but the hole the bullet left was healing itself. It's own black skin seeping into the hole completely healing it.
Fuck.
The wolf jumped at me only to be met by the edge of my sword. I saw the dog split into because of my sword until there was just 2 halves of a wolf on the floor. I felt pretty bad ass. That is until the two halves suddenly jumped up and collided and merged until they weren't halves, but just one whole animal. It turned to me and growled at me letting me know that instead of talking this over a nice cup of tea, that it was going to tear out my insides and wear them like a fancy scarf like a Canterlot pony.
I could hear Twilight's hooves as she came towards me.
"Uhh Twilight" I turned towards Twilight and silently spoke,"What is that thing over there?"
Twilight looked at the cat and you could see her eyes widen."Oh my Celestia thats a aterlupe!"
"What the hell is a aterlupe?"
"An aterlupe is a demon wolf. It can separate itself and can't be killed with a sword or gun or even a cannon."
"Well can you tell me how to kill it??"
"Well you need" Was all she got to say before I saw the aterlupe jump for her. I ran and tackled the dog before he could her. The aterlupe and I hit the ground but I was able to get on top of it as we headed to the ground so I backflipped off the wolf next to Twilight.
"Twilight I need to know how do kill this thing now!"
"Alright you need to get it wet. You need to get it wet and it will die."
"Thank you. Is there a place where I can get it wet then?"
"I'm pretty sure there's a lake that way." She said while pointing her hoof to my right.
"Alright i'm gonna distract it. Now get to safety." I looked at the wolf and saw it was recovering from my tackle and was readying to attack me. I immediately began running in the direction of the lake and when I saw the aterlupe coming after me I knew that this plan was hopefully going to work. The wolf was chasing me at an alarming rate, I would have to pick up the pace if I wanted to make it to this lake. I was now sprinting as fast as ponily possible.
I looked back to see the aterlupe trying to jump on top of me but luckily I was able to swing my sword to cut off its head. I kept running but I saw the wolf's head jumping back on top of its body and growl and run at me full speed.
I then turned my head forward and saw the small lake at the end of the woods. I ran until I was only a couple of yards away then I turned around and stood still, waiting for the monster to attack. I saw the wolf sprinting at me at the speed of a Wonderbolt. It kept running until it was close then it leapt for me,but I was able to jump over the creature and see the wolf splash into the lake.
I saw the aterlupe get to the surface of the water screaming, it sounded like a high pitch squeal. I could now see its once beautiful coat washing away, revealing its true skin. It's skin looked like billions of tiny bright red worms had infested a wolf's body. The skin looked like it was constantly moving,like it was reshaping itself. Its bat like face was made even more scary by the red skin. The aterlupe ran out of the water and as soon as it reached land it jumped for me, only to be interrupted by my blade impaling the top of the wolfs snout and planting itself on the ground. The skin itself gave a small screech then started to lose it's color.
I put my hoof on the wolf's snout and pulled out my sword from the ground. I put my sword away in my coat and suddenly took a good hard look at this demon. It didn't look right. I wonder where any of these types of creatures came to be.
"Did you kill it already?" Said Twilight trotting towards me.
"Yeah"
"Good."
Hearing that kinda coldness coming from her made me chuckle. Maybe she is getting used to this after all.
The hoof struck me in my face, sending pain throughout my skull. I could taste the blood leaving my mouth, probably exciting the vampires before me. I looked over at Brave seeing one of the vampires striking him down with their hoof.
I wasn't really thinking about dying. When you're getting beaten in the middle of the woods by vampires it's hard to think of anything else but now the thought was slowly rushing to my head. Maybe I wasn't going to see Twilight again. Maybe I wasn't going to be able to take a nice fancy shower again. Maybe I wasn't going to make it out tonight.
[24 Hours earlier]
"You called me Princess?" I stood in the royal hallway looking at Celestia at her throne. She called me early this morning so I was a tiny bit cranky since I didn't really have time to have breakfast or have one of my fancy showers.
"Oh yes Iceheart, I have a job for you."
I had to raise an eyebrow at this. Usually she would send a letter to Twilight if she needed us fo any demon hunting she needed so this seemed a little important.
"Apparently i've heard rumors about a club in Canterlot I need you to check out."
I looked at her in confusion "You want me to go clubbing?"
"No. According to a reliable resource this particular club is only occupied with vampires."
When I heard the princess say vampires there was a small part in the back of my head that was jumping, breaking furniture, and kicking my cerebellum in excitement. I loved vampires. Around my teenage years when my schedule consisted of masturbating and resenting my parents I fell in love with vampires. Everything that included vampires I tried to get, books,movies, anything. Except this one book, I can't remember the title but it was about some whiny mare in high school who falls in love with some sparkly vampire. The only thought that was in my head while reading was "WHERE THE HELL IS BLADE WHEN YOU NEED HIM?".
"So you want me and Twilight to go investigate a club in canterlot filled with vampires?"
"Not Twilight. It's too dangerous for somepony without combat training like you so you will get a temporary partner." She looked to one of the doors with her horn and opened it.
"Meet Orange brave."
Out stepped an light brown colored unicorn wearing a high class leather jacket and wearing glasses. His mane was a stunning was a combination of bright orange and dark black.
He turned to me and put out his hoof,"Pleasure to meet you Iceheart." I shook his hand surprised by his soft fur and tight grip.
"Nice to meet you too." I said as one thought rushed to my head I turned to the princess. "Wait how does this club work anyway?"
The princess turned to me in confusion."What do you mean?"
"Like how does it run. I'm probably gonna run in guns blazing and I want to know I i'm gonna tell the difference between normal and vampire ponies. If there are any normal ponies I think they would see it would be weird if a two crazy ponies kicked the door open and killed half of the club."
The princess gave a slight smile. "Its not a regular club Iceheart. It's actually an underground club, and no normal pony goes into it because it's hidden."
"Then how are we supposed to find it?"
"I will have arranged someone to take you there. You will need to meet him at a small record store. Just ask the clerk for Jack Skellington."
"So when are we going?"I asked her. "And where is the record store? And why are you not giving me information until I ask?"
"Tonight. Brave knows where this record store is."
"Alright I guess." I turned to Brave. "So do you want to meet me somewhere when it's time to go?"
"I was thinking you and me could go have breakfast or something. I would like know a little about the person I am gonna go fight supernatural creatures and might even die with." He gave a slight chuckle at the end of his sentence. I gave a small smile too. Like we that was going to happen.
"Do you want to sit in or outside?" I asked.
"Outside."
We found a small table for two on the back porch. We were at a small restaurant in Canterlot called "The Hungry Pony". Twilight told me she ate here all the time with her friends when she came to Canterlot and she said it was pretty good and I usually don't go out to eat much so I'm just gonna take her word on it.
We sat down at a small table outside of the restaurant around some unusual Canterlot ponies. Unusual meaning most of them didn't look like they had their fancy heads up their ass.
"So" I turned to Brave trying to break the ice " you're a demon hunter?"
He looked at me and gave a small slight nod.
"You seem more like a college professor then a fighter of terrifying creatures that give filly's nightmares."
He smiled and looked down at the table. "Yeah i've heard that a couple times before." He then gave a small glance at my coat. "Nice outfit Photo Finish."
I gave a small laugh at his comment. I then remembered the reason we came to this establishment. "So what are you gonna order?"
"Probably a croissant or a muffin."
"MUFFIN!" Said a gray pegasus suddenly popping out of the bushes a few feet away which me and Brave had to give a surprised look and then awkwardly confront each other again.
"Uh....I think all get pancakes." I said trying to restore normalcy to our conversation.
"So how do you fight." Asked Brave
"What?" I muttered.
"Well I want to know what you use to fight so I can figure out how this is gonna go down."
"Well I'm skilled in hoof-to-hoof combat but I can use my sword and my guns."
He looked at me puzzled. "Guns?"
"These." I took my hoof out of the sleeve and showed him my two pistols and a glance of my sword.
"What does it do."
"Basically I press a button and a small piece of metal comes out and hits whoever I point it at."
"Cool. But why haven't i ever heard of it?"
"Celestia told me that if this was released in the public she's afraid that people might use it to kill other ponies."
"Oh." Said Brave.
"Are you two ready to order?" I turned my gaze away from Brave and turned to see a frowning blue pony looking at me holding up a notebook and a pencil with her horn.
"Yeah I'll have pancakes."
"Alright." She turned away from me writing in her notebook. She turned to brave,"And you?"
"I'll have a croissant."
"Ok then." She said, "I'll be back in a minute." and she walked away.
I turned back to Brave and prepared myself for the rest of our breakfast probably talking about the weather or at some awkward point or sex lives.
Brave and I stood outside a record store called "Blackberry records" in the downtown part of Canterlot. I opened the door and we both went inside. The floor was just hard wood and the walls colored a nice calming blue. The register was on the left side and behind the register was a pale pink mare with a black straight mane.
"Uh can I help you?" The mare asked Brave.
"Yes" He said "Were looking for Jack Skellington?"
She smiled,"Hold on." She turned away from us and from a tired looking customer heading towards the register. After a minute of waiting she came back with a black colored pony with a gray mane and dark red eyes.
"Are you the guys I need to escort? "
"Yes." I said.
"Alright lets go." He said before turning away from us and went out the door. Me and Brave followed him outside and followed him.
It was 10:09. Only a couple of ponies were out at this time. I looked down an alley way and saw a couple of teenage colts smoking cigarettes, and giving me a stern look like we are gonna call the police on them.
We walked until we stopped at an old bar. Jack held the door open for us as we walked in. The bar was dark and dank with only a couple of sad patrons drinking away their sadness after realizing how much they hate themselves. Jack nodded to the bartender which was returned by him and walked to the other side of the bar. He then opened a door and led us in. Behind the door led a small stair case. I walked down first and after a second I realized there was a couple of other staircases at the end all leading to a small door at the end. We walked down all the stair cases until we reached the door. Neither me or Brave opened the door unaware of what was on the other side. Jack then came down and opened the door and revealed to us the lair of the vampires.
A dance club.
I walked in and tried to observe what was going on. It was dark and there were bright colored lights. They were playing very loud techno music. I could see there were at least 1 hundred vampires just jumping around. Some were literally kissing against walls and even fucking. It was just all around chaos. A combination of loud music, Bright lights, and sex.
Suddenly the music stopped.
Suddenly they all turned to look at us.
"What do we have here?" Said the dj who stood on a giant stage. I looked at him. He was a pale white stallion with dark blue eyes. "You guys aren't vampires." He said. Suddenly he smiled, "You guys are hunters aren't you?"
Neither of us responded.
"Well i'll just assume you guys are." The dj boasted. "Well I think I need to play a little something for all my friends to TEAR YOUR INSIDES OUT!" He yelled while pulling out a record and playing it.
They rushed at us like hungry dogs. The first one tried to jump for me but I was able to pull my sword out and cut off its head. The second and third ran straight for me, I sliced one of them in half and then quickly pulled out my sword and stabbed the other one. Then one tried to go for my hooves but i jumped back and when I landed I quickly sliced it twice in half. I was able to get a quick glance at Brave and how he was fairing.
I saw him grab one of the vampires and rip them in half, he then punched one in the face so hard the head exploded. Apparently super strength was his thing.
I looked away from him to see 4 vampires jumping for me. I quickly slashed my sword at each of them and their bodies dropped to the floor. I looked unto the crowd of vampires rushing towards me.
Fuck it I thought as I took my sword in hoof and flung it at the vampires as hard as I could. It flew towards the crowd spinning until I saw it had stabbed 3 vampires in the head and sent them flying back until my sword stuck itself in a wall.
I pulled out my guns and started shooting at the crowds of vampires shooting me. Many fell but they just kept coming. Finally one jumped for me and I jumped to dodge then planted my hoof on its face and preceded to jump over the crowd of flesh craving monsters. I tried shooting some while I was in the air, but I was only able to kill two.
I landed a few yards away from the crowd and I sprinted towards my swords. As I ran I could hear the hoofsteps of the group of vampires behind me. Luckily all my training had made me pretty adequate in the cardio department so they weren't able to catch me. I finally reached my sword against the wall with 3 vampires impaled on it. I grabbed it and pulled out of the wall and turned back towards the group.
I rushed at the vampires as fast as I could run with my swords. When I first made contact with all the vampires I slashed my sword cutting off the heads of every unnatural creature I could see. I kept blindly slashing my sword against the vampires until I reached the other side. I quickly looked back at what I just ran through and saw tons of vampire bodies hit the floor. Only 4 were left.
I ran up to one and stabbed my sword through it's skull and pulled my gun for the other 3. I shot 2 but one of them quickly dodged my bullets and jumped to bite me. I dodged to the side and quickly planted my hoof into it's skull making it stumble before I ran to it placed my gun against it's head and pulled the trigger.
As the body of the vampire and the vampires around me fell I looked back at the bombus DJ.
"Oh shi-" He tried to say before I planted a bullet firmly in his pony brain.
I finally looked at all the vampire blood I was covered in. Buckets full. After that realization I gave a quick look at Brave to see him ripping the head of his last vampire enemy. I gave him a small nod then walked over to him.
"Are they all dead?" I asked him.
"Well..they were all dead before we came."
"Ha ha ha."
Brave then looked at me with wide eyes like he just had a revelation, "Wait wheres Jack?"
I took a quick look around only seeing the cut up corpses of vampires,"I don't know. I just wanna go home man."
"I'm over here." I turned to the exit seeing the black pony they called Jack Skellington.
"Ok. Lets go Brave." I said.
He looked at me and nodded and both of us walked to the door. Jack closed the door behind us.
I had the thought in my head how I was gonna go outside covered in vampire giblets when I saw Jack strike Brave with a lead pipe knocking him out cold.
"What the hell are yo-" Was all I got to say before I could feel nice lead pipe collide with my skull.
And thats what happened. My situation was that I was on my knees on the middle of the woods being beaten by vampires. I could look over to my left to see Jack leaning against a tree. The bastard. Me and Braves hands were tied so we couldn't do anything.
"HARDER!"
Another hoof struck me in the face with the force of a steel train. Now my mouth felt like a giant blood water park.
"Oh Alizarin let me taste him."
I looked up too see the voice was coming from the girl behind the counter. Her black mane blowing in the wind. She apparently was talking to another pony, a gray stallion with a dark blue mane.
"Fine." Said Alizarin.
I wasn't able to think another thought before the vampire behind the counter put her lips to mine. This would have been nice and erotic if I wasn't being beaten in a forest at midnight by vampires. Then the kiss faded to the mare sucking the blood leaking into my mouth from the beatings. After 30 seconds she took her lips away from mine.
"Oh god, it's been to long." She said.
"Don't worry we have our feast soon." Said Alizarin. He then walked up to Brave. "Anything thing you want to say before you die?"
What happened was something I never expected. I could see Braves horn glow for a flicker of a second until I saw Braves mouth open straight wide. Then something came out of Braves mouth and went right through Alizarin's face. I can only describe what went through his head was this, It looked like a bunch of muscles twisted together with an eyball in the center. At the end of the eye muscle was a sharp blade.
"What the hell!!" Screamed the mare vampire. She ran at him ready to eat his flesh but was interrupted by me tripping her with my hoof. I stood up and looked at the vampire mare. I immediately aimed for her head, I jumped on her and landed my hooves straight down on her skull,it crushing beneath me.
I turned to Jack to see him realizing that the ponies he just screwed over were free. His face turned from boredom to anger as he rushed to us. I tried to punch me but I leaned back far enough to dodge his punch and brought my forehead to his sending him to the ground. He stumbled back rubbing his forehead before being interrupted with a round house kick to his skull.
He was flung to my left and landed hard on the ground. I looked to see him realizing he wasn't going to win this fight and quickly stand up and run in the opposite direction before being interrupted by a nice hard punch from Brave in the stomach then sent his intestines flying out of him like some sort of meat pinata.
I turned to see Braves face, black eye, blood leaking out of his mouth and muzzle. I wondered how I looked before realizing one of my teeth was swirling around in my blood waterpark of a mouth, I spit it out on the ground then turned back to Brave.
"How did you do that?" I asked.
"Oh you mean the eye ball blade coming out of my mouth?"
"Yeah that."
"Oh. Thats just something I picked up over the years."
"You've learned to spit out a blade with an eyeball in the middle into your enemies and just ponies you don't like?"
"Pretty much."
"Uh." I said. "Should we go to a hospital?"
"Maybe. I don't know if we should go to a traditional hospital, they might get a little suspicious. You know anyone who might have medical experience?"
Twilight opened her door. Her eyes were barely open and she looked as though she seemed pretty annoyed somepony was knocking at this hour. "What is it? Its almost 1 in the..AHHHH."
"Hi Twilight." I said rubbing the back of my head. "Do you know anything about fixing broken noses?"
Authors note
In the next story Icehearts gonna be a stripper. Oh and PLEASE tell me how to make my story better. please. For science. You monster.
I had the same dream again last night. My parents and the princess looking at me while I tried to get spike out of his egg with my magic. Even though this situation ended well it that moment was very stressful and very scary. I rolled out of my bed and walked into my bathroom and looked at the mirror. My mane was messy and my eyes crusty but that was nothing a shower couldn't fix. I turned on my shower and waited until the water was just right and I stepped in.
After taking care of everything I turned off the shower, I grabbed a towel and stepped out. I dried my mane and went to go have some breakfast. I walked down stairs and walked into the kitchen.
"Good morning Twilight."
I turned to see my small dragon assistant reordering my books on my shelves. I turned and smiled at him, "Good morning Spike." I pulled out a box of "Pony-Hooves" and a bowl. I poured some cereal in the bowl until I remembered something that's been on my mind lately.
"Ah Spike have you heard anything about Iceheart lately?" I asked him.
"Not really."
"Alright." I was starting to get a little annoyed at him lately. I haven't seen him in over three weeks, he told me he just had to do something important which I was seriously doubting was the case at this point. What thing could be so important that it took some pony three weeks?
I was about to eat when I heard Spike burp and turned to see him breathing fire and an envelope flying out of his mouth and floating to the ground. Spike turned around and grabbed the envelope.
"What is it?" I asked. It wasn't from the princess, she usually sent little scrolls and I have never got just a plain letter in an envelope.
"Its from Iceheart." Upon hearing this I used my magic to grab the letter out of spike's hands and put it in front of me, I opened it and began to read it.
Dear Twilight I need you to meet me at Hot Flanks at 10:30 tonight in Manehatten.
Sincerely Iceheart
The first thing that struck me about this letter was how short it was. The second thing that really struck me was where he wanted to meet me. Hot Flanks? What kind of place is that and why in the name of celestia would he want to meet me there?
"What did he say?" Asked Spike.
"Uhhh...he said hi."
"It's been forever since I've been to a strip club." Said Rainbow Dash.
Why did I tell my friends that I was going to a strip club. Why. I said that I had to go meet Iceheart in Manehatten and when they asked me where I finally told them to meet him at "Hot Flanks" through a little embarrassment. Ironically after a hearing the name Applejack told us through a a blush as red as an apple what kind of establishment it is and that, when he could, Big Mac visits this place. And after hearing that Rainbow decided at that moment that we should have a mares night out and that's where we should go.
Right now we were standing outside of the Hot Flanks. It was surprisingly clean for such a disgusting place. It was a wide brick building with a bright red sign displaying the name of this place. We walked into the building to end up in what looked like a bar but with a stage and a stripper pole in the center.
Immediately Rainbow and Applejack headed to the bar to order something to drink and probably get way to drunk and either fight or Rarity and I would have to pry them away from either getting into a hoof fight or start making out.
"Alright" Said a voice blasting over the speakers, the voice was very deep and smooth, "Now were going to introduce some pony who's a bit new so lets give a hand to "Hot Heart".
What I saw I could only remove from my brain with bleach and a tooth brush. I saw a light blue stallion with a blue mane, standing on his hind hooves, wearing a sparkly pink thong. He walked up to the pole grabbing it by his hooves and pulled himself towards it. Celestia what was iceheart doing.
After pulling himself closer to the pole he licked it (Good celestia that pole is probably filthy) and began to dance for all the mares watching him.
I looked over to see what my friends thought about this disgusting performance. Rarity was giving a slight disgusting look thinking that she is too high class to watch this kind of thing, but also a slight look of arousal. Applejack wasn't really paying attention but when she looked she seemed to not care. I had no idea what Pinkie Pie was thinking, she had a big smile buts that how she always looked. Rainbow Dash's tongue fell out of her mouth and she was drooling. And Fluttershy's blush was as red as Big Mac and she was turning away trying to ignore the stripper dancing a few feet away.
Despite being absolutely disgusting I have to say Iceheart was able to perform some impressive moves on that stripper pole. He was swinging around and flipping himself onto the pole and he was sort of winking at a mare to the left of the stage. I turned to see what the deal was about her. She was a gray pegasus with with a dark blue mane, she was very pale and she was eyeing iceheart with her bright red eyes.
After 10 minutes of dancing Iceheart went back stage probably to the the back room. When were done with this I was going to kill him.
I enjoyed being a stripper for the short time that I am. Ive gotten a lot of exercise and gained a lot of flexibility from dancing with the pole. I'm able to get some free drinks from the bartender. And Ive met a lot of very interesting ponies, like last week I met a stallion who came in here and told me he wanted to take me home. He seemed nice but not nice enough for me to look into colts.
I was sitting in the back room sitting in front of a mirror straightening my hair for the next show.
The reason I broke contact from Twilight for 2 weeks and became a stripper was simple really. Demons.
Celestia summoned me two weeks ago and she told me something really big was going down but she needed more information before she could act. When I asked her what was going down she was sort of vague, something about demons taking over ponies and maybe having some sort of gathering.
This demon apparently is usually seen here every month, so I gave a letter to the princess
Apparently a demon in the body of a smoking hot mare apparently comes here and I have to get her attention and find out some information. I was either going to seduce her or tie her up and interrogate her. Maybe do both. I saw her in the crowd when I was dancing. She fit the description, pale, gray, and dark blue mane. I think I gave her enough winks to maybe
"Great job out there Hot Heart." Said my co-worker Vanilla Sprinkles,he was a stunningly gorgeous light tan stallion with a bright red mane. Over the short time I worked at Hot Flanks I made friends with him. He was really nice, there weren't really a lot of strippers and apparently most of them weren't really the friendliest ponies. I was told by some of the other strippers that he was into colts and they said thats why he was so friendly to me, but I didn't take that in a bad way. I considered that a compliment. The truth is that even though there were only 2 other colts who worked here they were definitely better looking then me. So if some colt took interest in me thats fine, maybe even get a house together.
"Thanks Sprinkles."
He trotted out onto the stage ready to do his shift of entertaining the drunk and horny mares in the club. I turned back to the mirror and continued to straighten up my mane when I noticed a pony standing in the door way that separated the dress room from the bar. She was the exactly the same mare that had the information I need. Everything was going according to plan.
"Hey" She said, her voice sounded like a softer Rainbow Dash, boyish but gentle.
I turned to her and immediately made googly eyes at her and responded "Oh hello, what are doing in the dressing room?"
She started slowly trotting over until she was only feet away from me.
"Oh don't act so innocent. No pony just gives face's like that to random mares." She said now leaning her self towards me with the exact same googly eyes I was giving her when I was dancing.
"Well I....Uh I..." The words tripped and fell over as they came out of my mouth. Her face was now just inches away from mine. I quickly remembered I was talking to a flesh eating incarnate of evil and I regained my suave manner. "Well you were the cutest pony in the audience so it seemed appropriate tha-"
"Oh bull shit!" She said cutting me off "you wanted to fuck me."
I had to crack a large smile at that. Apparently demons don't like to play around the bush but rather just jump into it.
I would have kept talking trying to seduce her but apparently she was more horny as I was when I was fifteen. She immediately wrapped her hooves around me and she hopped onto my lap.
I had to think of a plan. I could just keep going with this, take her to my place, have sex, wake up, have coffee, begin a relationship, get married, have demon children and die happy. Or I could take her to my place and tie her up and interrogate her. I had to decide fast because she seemed to be coming onto me very fast and I was running out of time.
My coat was on the other side of the room hung up on a rack. I needed to get my coat, I needed my weapons (I thought it was weird that none of the other strippers found my sword and guns).
"You look sexy with that thong on." She said tracing her hoof along my stomach.
She put moved her head back and then stared at me with her bright red eyes. But then I could see her changing, her eyes transformed from bright red to her eyes turning completely black and her mouth changed into a pit of sharp, jagged teeth. She then lunged at my neck with her teeth but was quickly stopped by my hoof shoving her off my lap and her slamming onto the hard wood floors of the dress room.
I quickly jumped out of my chair and quickly got a safe distance away from the monster before turning back to it and getting ready for whatever this demon was going to throw at me.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH." Her voice was now deep and ragged, it was odd to hear this coming out of the mouth of a mare, the voice would seem more appropriate for a goblin or evil troll. It got to it's feet and then turned to me and lunged.
I was able to dodge its attack so the monster slammed against the wall behind me. I turned to the demon who was now rubbing its head and struggling to stand up, I quickly slammed my hoof into its face followed by a screech made from the monster. It stumbled backwards until it hit a wall and I punched the demon right in the face, I could hear its jaw crack against my fist.
I quickly saw its face lose all emotion and its body drop to the floor. Apparently I hit so hard that I knocked out the demon. Once I quickly evaluated the situation and decided what I needed to do.
"Why is she tied to a chair?"
After I knocked out this demon I put her in the closet and went to Twilight to tell her that I might need her assistance. I found her and Rarity drinking on some cocktails and Fluttershy was casually sipping some ginger ale, Rainbow Dash and Applejack while drinking themselves silly with a bottle of gin and apple cider, and Pinkie Pie was chugging an entire bottle of vodka naturally.
Twilight wasn't at all drunk so it was easy to talk to her. I told her to meet me at my house because I didn't think a strip club was the place to discuss this. She told me she would be at my place in half an hour so in that time I grabbed the hungry knocked up demon and quickly grabbed my coat and flew back to my house, above the clouds so no one could see me.
Once I got into my house I grabbed a chair and tied her up and after that I decided to maybe make a sandwich or read a book while I was waiting for Twilight.
She came in about 20 minutes later and even after I told her she was still surprised there was a knocked put mare tied to a chair and ready to be beaten and interrogated.
"For interrogation reasons." I told her.
The demon was still knocked out but not for much longer. I walked into my kitchen and grabbed a bucket under my counter and filled it up with water. I took the bucket full of water and went back into my living room and without warning I threw the bucket of water on the monster.
"Uhhh...uh..WHAT THE HEL....WHERE THE HELL AM I!!" She screamed immediately trying to struggle out of the chair. Not really effective but she gets an A for effort.
I pulled a gun out of my coat and placed it on her temple. I cocked back my gun to show I mean business even though it doesn't really do anything.
"TALK!" I yelled.
"About what?" Said the demon through a tone of anger and confusion.
"Uh...uh..about the gathering of demons." After realizing my mistake which wasn't really making me look threatening but rather dim I remembered what information I needed from her.
It looked into my eyes and gave a smug smile, "I don't know nothing."
"That means you do know something." Twilight interrupted.
The demon simply grunted at Twilight's remark and by this point I was tired of this. I reached into my coat and pulled out my sword. I saw Twilight's startled stare that she thought I was gonna kill her now. Not yet. I simply pulled out my sword and set it on the floor I grabbed my scabbard and held it in my right hoof.
My scabbard was bright red and made of metal. There were no inscriptions on my scabbard except for a blue flower near the top.
I simply swung my scabbard at the skull of the demon. It made contact on the side of the face of the demon. This blow sent a bit of blood dripping where my scabbard hit.
It recovered from my attack and looked back at me with its straight black eyes, "Your gonna have to do better then that to get me to talk."
I was getting tired and aggravated. I turned to Twilight "Hold on."
I walked up to my bedroom and I turned to my dresser and opened the top left drawer. I sifted through some clothes and finally found the gift that my mentor gave to me before I left, a necklace with a crude wooden cross.
I quickly trotted back to my living room and as soon as I was in range I thrust the small wooden cross of the fore head of the demon.
"AHHHHHH!" The demon screeched as I pressed the cross against its head. Smoke rose of the demon indicating the holy power was burning into the skin of this incarnate of evil.
Twilight gave my cross a confused look but quickly turned her face into serious mode.
I pressed my face near the demon "Tell me what you know about this demon gathering!?"
The monster was breathing hard from my cross and just simply looked at me for a second before putting its head down.
This quickly aggravated me again so I grabbed it by the neck and slammed my cross in the same place where I layed it before.
This was accompanied by the usual demonic screeches and the chair shaking from it trying to escape.
"Tell me!!" I yelled.
Finally the demon had enough, it took a deep breath and finally told me. "Okay okay. Theres going to be a gathering at a large barn deep in the Ever Free Forest next wednesday. Thats all I was told."
Even though this was very vague I just accepted it. I just wanted to go to sleep so I could wake up and take a shower.
"Thank you."
"Can I go?"
"No." I pulled out my gun and quickly planted it against its temple. I was going to pull the trigger when I thought of something.
"Uhh Twilight."
"Yes?"
"I actually haven't killed a possessed pony so I have a question. If I kill it won't it just leave the body and go possess something else or do I have to do a special ritual?"
"Surprising no." Twilight then gave a small smile because she thought she was awesome for being able to answer my question."Actually when I demon kills someone it devours its soul but when It simply possesses someone it can't do that, it bounds itself to the pony's soul so leaving the body is pretty hard."
It was pretty odd for a demon hunter to be schooled about demons. Like a carpenter forgetting how to use a hammer.
"But what about the pony this demon possessed, won't I kill her too?"
"Not really. Demons pretty much kill the pony when they possess them."
"Oh." Now that I knew all that I was able to comfortably pull the trigger and sending the pony's brain splattering all over my living room.
Then I had an idea. Maybe It wasn't a good idea to execute someone in my living room let alone in my house. Pony brain landed on my back part of my couch and was sliding down to the seat and in my opinion didn't really suit it tastefully.
Even though the clean up was going to be tiresome I kept my calm manner. I looked at Twilight's face. She seemed calm and not grossed out by my recent actions. It was a comforting and discomforting thought, I liked the idea that she had gotten used to this but I would miss her sort of charming innocence to the whole thing.
"So what are you gonna do now?" I asked Twilight.
"Well I guess we're just gonna wait until next wednesday but until then I think I will head back to the bar helping Rarity getting the other ponies home."
"Alright. I'm probably gonna just go to bed. Maybe dispose of the body."
"Alright Iceheart." Twilight walked up to the door and opened but turned to me."Goodnight." Then she closed the door and left.
I looked at the body. The headless pony's blood was quickly leaking onto the floor and quickly making contact into my carpet. Fuck.
I awoke to see the pony known as Pinkie Pie standing on my bed shaking me back and forth. I immediately jerked back and pushed myself against the wall. I looked around and saw Pinkie wasn't the only pony in my room. Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were all standing around my room.
"Wha..whats going on? Why are all of you in my house?!"
I looked over at Twilight looking for an explanation."Well we were gonna just knock on the door but then..."
"I just came through the window!" Interrupted Pinkie Pie.
I looked at her confused, "But all my windows are closed."
"I know!"
I should have already realized I wasn't going to get a lot of sense from Pinkie Pie so I just decided to find out what was going on.
"Alright fine. Did you just get here?"
"Actually we've been here for ten minutes."
"What do you mean you've been here for ten minutes?" I said. I was now getting a little bit annoyed at the situation.
Twilight suddenly became very interested in my walls while talking to me,"Well once we got in your house Rainbow Dash and Rarity started snooping your house for "Demony Stuff"."
"Oh and by the way" Rainbow Dash said looking at me,"leaving your Playpony's on your living room table, very classy."
"Yeah. Besides you can't even read them, all the pages are stuck together." Said Pinkie Pie.
Oh celestia kill me now. I started scratching my back trying to look away, I could already feel a blush come on my face in reaction to Pinkie's comment. I could see my reaction quickly spread to Twilight and Fluttershy. I quickly remembered the fact that six ponies had just broken into my house.
"Wait why are you guys here anyway?" I asked.
"Well we were just gonna ask you if you wanted to go to lunch with us." Said Twilight
I quickly looked at the clock on my dresser to discover it was 12:00 already.
"Sounds pretty good I guess." I said back to Twilight, "But can I at least take a shower or will you break in their too?"
"Well snarky comments aside that's great." Twilight retorted."Meet me at my house as soon as you can."
"Alright." I said as I saw all of my intruders headed for the door.
"See ya!" Yelled Pinkie Pie.
I looked at her and just gave a quick wave until they had all left. Finally I could go into the mysterious, yet beautiful, place known as my shower. I trotted into my bathroom and gave a quick examination of myself in the mirror. Pretty much the usual except I seemed a little bit more awake due to pony's breaking into my house and asking me out to lunch. But it didn't matter. I turned to my shower and turned on the water and waited until it was just right and then I stepped in.
I didn't step into a shower. I stepped into a world of golden perfection. A world where the grass is made out of cotton candy and cotton candy is made out of better cotton candy. A world where disease, instead of killing ponys, gives chocolate to crippled orphans. A world where I can sit under a tree on a hot summers day with a beautiful mare playing a lute.
Did I mention I like showers?
Anyway once I was done I got out and dried off. I knew I was going outside so I combed my mane and made myself even more gorgeous then usual ( didn't know it was possible). After getting myself ready I finally went down to my living room and opened the door getting ready to head to Twilight's. I didn't think I would need my red coat so I decided to leave today. The sunlight greeted me as politely as a nice hoof to the face. It penetrated my eyes until it was blinding and painful. I quickly held my hoof blocking light from hurting my eyes even more.
Finally after a few seconds my eyes and the sun made a treaty and I was able to comfortably see. Then I closed my door and began to head to Twilight's.
Things went as you would expect. I went to Twilight's then her friends and I went to lunch. We went to some little place in ponyville, it was kinda like a fast food place without cardiac arrest. It was a nice little place. It had an inside and an outside patio where we all chose to sit.
Twilight and her friends ordered daffodil and daisy sandwiches while I ordered a nice ham sandwich which apparently made them all a little uncomfortable (especially Fluttershy) since they were all vegetarians.
I want to make something perfectly clear, I am not trying to be an asshole. I actually was trying to be nice and trying to get into conversation with them. But one thing I have learned is that you have to wait for your opportunity to strike, and right now there were none. Right now Applejack was talking about working with her brother named Big Mac, which upon hearing Fluttershy gave a slight smile.
Right now I was sipping some raspberry tea that I ordered with my sandwich. Usually when I am alone for a long period of time my mind usually starts asking weird questions that anypony would consider mind-blowingly stupid.
In a different dimension am I a beautiful mare while Twilight is a bad ass demon hunter dragging me along while just observe.
Will equestria become ruled by giant robot octopus's?
Do nipples feel love?
Even though my mind was rifling through the chest of retarded ideas to keep me entertained I was still able to try to concentrate on listening to Twilight and her friends conversation. Mostly.
"So Iceheart" Asked Applejack turning to me,"whats goin on in yer life?"
I was a bit surprised at the immediate turn of attention to me. And the question asked of me was pretty hard to answer, because I don't think clopping every couple of hours is an appropriate response.
"Uh you know. Just hanging out." I said.
Her face turned to confusion,"Its just that I never see you in town, or with friends or anything like that."
"Well I just kinda keep to myself I guess."
My response was a very weak way of saying "I don't have a lot of friends". I do have friends but I only see them every once in a while. And I don't usually go out in town unless I need food or im heading to a bar trying to get laid.
"Well do you even have a mare friend?" Applejack asked.
This question was inevitable but it still caught me off guard. When I was a writer I wasn't really secure about my image or my personality. Even now as I am able to triple frontflip over a demon and slice his nipples off, I never really had time to look for some pony to be in a relationship.
I basically shrugged,"Not really. I don't really have time to look for one."
"Well for you it wouldn't seem that hard." She said giving me a nice smile. I was able to give a slight grin in response to her comment which was obviously a nice comment to break the ice.
"Well if you want I know plenty of mares who would really need a good stallion." Said Rarity, moving her head in Twilight's direction. The thought of a relation ship between me and Twilight quickly flew through my brain like a pegasus on speed. Me and Twilight were two completely different ponies and I doubt that would function well in a relationship.
"Im not really looking for a relationship right now Rarity. Im way to busy and I don't think theres a pony who wants a relationship with somepony who could die every time they go to work."
"Its just kinda odd, none of us ever see you outside of when we're with Twilight and she needs you. And it's also weird to see a stallion not try to even entertain the idea of a relationship when others would talk for hours of how much they want one." Said Rarity.
"I don't know. Right now i'm just not looking for one at the moment." I said. I immediately began sipping my raspberry tea before setting it back town on the table and being greeted by the confused looks of my table mates.
"What?"
I slowly opened my door to my house. It was now around 3:30. After the awkward conversation about my sex life the lunch continued with all eyes on me. Pinkie then eventually started a conversation that averted the attention from me. But while they were talking I kept thinking about what I said. I thought about how long it has been since i've been in a relationship. Then I realized how long it's been since i've even been with a mare. About a year at the least.
I walked in and immediately came crashing down upon my couch. All I wanted to do was just relax right now. It was a couple of days until this gathering thing so unless I got called, I was able to relax for a while.
The thought still bugged me, but now it became more of a pesky annoyance then a sad realization. I had put it at the back in my head where I put the pretty worthless thoughts, but it was impatient often rushing towards where my most important fantasies and things were. I kept pushing it back but then I realized that it would not give up on trying to make me feel bad for not socializing enough.
With the 5 months of training and the month and a half of just getting readjusted I didn't really have time to have the the thought of going and doing stuff like I was afraid to do before I learned how to smash limbs with my bare hoofs. Most of the time I had spent living here was helping the pages of my playpony's stick together.
I had the stunning realization that I probably wouldn't be able to socialize from the leather seats of my couch, so I decided that I had to go somewhere or just do something today. I have to decide what i'm gonna do though, I doubt I would have fun going to a fucking book club or some shit.
After a lot of deep thought of what I wanted to do, I finally came to a great conclusion. Tonight, I am going to get fucked up.
I was in the bar where I first met Twilight and her friends and I emasculated that Brawny guy. I sat on a bar stool drinking a bottle of some decent raspberry vodka. I was casually sipping it from a glass that seemed more appropriate for whiskey than vodka.
I left my coat at my house because I was afraid that I would get drunk and randomly pull out my guns and give the bar a new paint job.
I hadn't realized how depressing it was drinking all by myself. As I was drinking, I looked around seeing ponies that were having a good times with their friends. I even made a game trying to figure out who was going to sleep with who because of alcohol and bad judgement.
I was a little tipsy but not as drunk as I wanted to be tonight. Again without or ponies to get drunk with the whole situation ended up as a little bit depressing rather than crazy fun.
I was casually sipping my drink when I noticed that a mare immediately walked over and was now occupying the empty seat next to me.
"One apple tini please." She asked the bartender who standing behind the counter. He nodded and began making the drink that she ordered.
Suddenly she spun her seat in my direction until she was facing my direction. I was finally able to get a good look at her. She was a white unicorn with a straight red mane and bright yellow eyes. Her cutie mark was of a sun flower with a big huge grin.
"Hello handsome." She said.
"Ummmmm" I had no response, she had completely caught me off guard,"Hello."
She gave a slight giggle at my awkward response. Then the bartender had finished making her drink, he then set it down on on the table. She casually grabbed it and pulled it towards her and she sipped some of it and then set it back down on the counter.
"Whats a stallion like you being alone in a place like this" She said
I had to give a slight grin,"Isn't that my line?"
"Well I guess thats true." She took another sip of her drink using her horn instead of her hoof this time and again set it on the counter. "But I am wondering why you're here all by yourself."
"I don't know. Just came here to get a drunk, not hang with friends." I said.
"Well I think you just made a brand new one." She said with a wide grin and then she gave me a seductive wink.
"Seems weird talking to somepony about my personal life when I don't even know their name."
She gave me a slight smile and responded,"Sicarius. And yours?"
"Iceheart."
Most of the night consisted of me talking to this unexpected new friend. She kept talking about how handsome and even began buying me drinks. A lot. My original intention of getting fucked up had been complete and now I was talking to with a big drunk grin, stumbling over my words like I usually do when i'm drunk.
Right now I was very drunkenly having a conversation with Sicarius. We had been talking for what seemed like hours and at the moment it seemed like she was in my clutches. She definitely had a couple of drinks so hopefully she would make the beautiful mistake of coming back to my house.
"Another drink?" She asked me.
She had been feeding me liquor like it was my blood. Right now I was completely smashed and with that the horrible thought came into my mind that I probably could not get it up for when she came to my place.
"Nahhh, I think i've had enough drinks."
Suddenly she started staring at me with her bright beautiful eyes and asked me something I have waited all night to hear,"Listen I am very tired and my house is a very long walk from here, could I perhaps stay at your place tonight."
Fucking. Jackpot.
I could not have answered her question any faster,"Yeah yeah. That sounds fine."
We proceeded to walk out of the bar and into Ponyville. My house wasn't that far so the walk was rather quick. Then we came to my house and I drunkenly spent trying to fit the key, that I keep under my welcome mat, into it's keyhole. After that I opened and we stepped inside and then I shut the door.
Suddenly Sicarius then pushed me against the against the wall and then began to kiss me passionately. I was completely taken by surprise so I wasn't able to react, she was pretty much controlling this sudden make out. Finally after a minute she pulled away from me and began to speak.
"Lets go to your bed room."
I gave a quick nod and we began heading upstairs until we finally got to my bedroom. We walked in to my bed room and I walked towards my bed when I was shoved unto my bed by my new house guest.
I rolled over until I was lying on my back on my bed while Sicarius was still standing on the floor.
"Im ready. Come on in sexy." I said.
"I'd rather not." She coldly responded, her face now lacking any of the previous emotions that she had displayed with me against the wall.
I was confused,"Why not?"
Suddenly her face turned from emotionless to a wide evil grin,"Because you're going to die."
I have no idea where she was keeping that knife but she pulled out a large dagger and then came and brought the knife down towards me. Luckily I saw her trying to stab me and I rolled off the bed just in time for her to miss me, but she was able to stab the belly my pillow. And for that she wasn't leaving here without a broken hoof or two.
As soon as I touched the floor I quickly ran to the far side of my room and quickly turned to see her standing near my bed angrily looking at me.
She was standing on her two hind hooves right now. I knew that she wasn't just being weird, she was in a mysterious "Human" style. But actually I was sort of trained in this style by my trainer, not much but enough to keep myself alive so I quickly changed my stance.
"What the fuck is your problem?!! What kind kinky shit are into lady!!" I yelled.
In response she gave me a coy smile,"Ah yes, your plans of me having sex with you. Unfortunately the only thing that's gonna get in tonight is my blade. In your face."
My confusion started to get the best of me, I started to breath heavily,"What the fuck is going on!!??"
"Oh, sorry about that, let me fill you in. Apparently your a demon hunter and you have been causing some major disturbances lately. Like killing a hundred vampires at a night club."
"But that was a week ago." I objected.
"Vampires need their night clubs Mr. Iceheart. So in short, a couple vampires hired me to come and kill you."
"So you're an assassin?" I asked.
"Yep."
"Thats an odd cutie mark for a paid killer. Unless that flower is prone to violent outbursts."
She gave me a smirk,"Oh that? Thats just a cover up."
After she said that she then preceded to rip off her cutie mark which was revealed to be just a sticker. Her real cutie mark was one pony chopping the head off the another pony. Seemed so subtle.
After that shocking reveal she started speaking again,
"But but..... are we still gonna have sex?"
"No we weren't. At least you can think about your frustated libido in the afterlife."
She ran at me brandishing the large blade, once she got close she tried slashing my stomach but missed because I was able to jump back.
Then I noticed the huge disadvantage that was hanging over my shoulders, I was drunk. Very drunk. She is a good assassin i'll give her that. Weakening her prey before she comes in for the kill. Luckily I was the type of drunk that was stumbling around, I was the kind of pony who would laugh and break things because he just didn't care. But I was still drunk, my reflexes were slowed down and I would be a lot less formidable then I would be sober.
I kept trying to slice me but I kept dodging her, but then my back hit a wall. She took the opportunity to try to stab me in the throat. I ducked and moved under her hoof until I was behind her, then I took my chance and punched her in the head slamming it against the wall.
She blindly slammed her hoof towards me which ended up hitting me in the skull. I flew back to due my drunken balance where I landed on my back hitting the floor.
She turned around and faced me. Me slamming her heads against my wall caused her nose to flow like a 13 year old filly during puberty.
I was almost on my hooves before she ran up and and kicked me square in the jaw. I fell down again, hitting my head against the floor. This made me dizzy and didn't really coincide with the liquor I had drunk recently. I was still able to see my little assassin walking towards me,ready to end me.
Once she was close enough I sweeped her hooves and sent her crashing to the floor. I was able to get up and get a bit of distance before Sicarius was able to stand up again. Now she was getting angry, she let out a loud scream and came running at me.
She got close trying to stab me underhand in the stomach. What a horrible idea. I quickly placed my right hoof above her elbow and my left one below and with a quick twist I sent the knife straight in her stomach.
I held her for a few seconds while the thought of a knife in he belly reached her brain. Then I dropped her on the floor.
Her skin quickly became pale and her eyes became wide. It looked like she was trying to speak, but with the amount of pain she was feeling she could not pronounce words.
She was dying. Not dead, dying. She now realized that these were her last moments of her life and you could see her think about how she got here. It was pretty hard to watch. I didn't want to watch her like this. I quickly ran downstairs and grabbed my gun and quickly ran upstairs, to see Sicarius trying to grasp on to life as long as she could. I quickly aimed my gun at her head and pulled the trigger.
I lay in a puddle of her own blood. Her mouth wide open and her eyes now looked dark yellow.You could almost see the life leave her body. She was dead.
My stomach then decided the best way to honor her body was to violently vomit all over her corpse, and my brain decided now was the time to pass out.
Dead body and vomit. Those are the two smells I woke up too this morning. I love my job.
I was sitting in my kitchen having breakfast when I heard a knock on my door. I set down my coffee and got up from my chair and headed to the door. I opened the door and was greeted by the friendly blond cross eyed mail mare.
"Hey Derpy." I said, I was glad that she was the pony delivering me mail, she was pretty nice and all around a lovable pony.
"Hi Iceheart. I'm here to give you this." She then reached into her mailbag and pulled out a very big package."Must be important too, it came straight from the princess!"
She held the package out to me and I grabbed. I checked the front and sure enough I could see the royal stamp.
"Thanks." I said.
"Your welcome." She said and turned and flew away but quickly turned back to me,"Wait, what would the princess want with somepony like you?"
I had to give a response, most ponies still thought I was a writer."Uh..I'm best friends with one of her students and I was able to meet her."
"Oh. That's pretty neat!" She responded."Well see ya Icy!" She then turned and flew away,probably to deliver some mail to other ponies in town.
I then went back inside and shut the door. I then set the package down on my table and pulled out of knife from a drawer in my kitchen. I cut the side of the box and pulled out something wrapped in wrapping paper with a note taped on. I pulled the note off and began to read it.
I have been working on this for a little while specifically for you. Try it it's fucking awesome. I call it a shotgun.
-Barry
Immediately tore off the wrapping paper to find a large version of my pistols. It had a red wood finish and a large barrel on one side. It had all of the characteristics of something you point at someone you don't like and go bang. To say it bluntly it was gorgeous. I grabbed it with one hoof and quickly examined it by all sides.
"Fuck yes."
I was standing in Twilight's doorway while she was gathering things and putting things in a satchel and talking to Spike.
"Spike" She said to her green and purple assistant,"i'll be fine."
"I know Twilight." He said."Its just I don't like you having to leave at night to go find scary monsters."
"Its just a small gathering, i'll be fine." She then turned to me,"You ready?"
"Yeah." I responded.
"Alright then." She then walked outside and I closed the door and we went to go to a small party that we probably weren't invited too.
After a long walk we finally got to where we were told by the demon whore. The barn was red but it looked like it hadn't seen maintenance in years so the barn had broken windows and the paint was starting to peel off. It looked run down and abandoned and it seemed odd that it would be the party spot of pure evil.
Twilight and I approached the barn until we were at its large doors. I was able to crack open the door wide enough that Twilight and I were able to slip in. It looked on the inside how you would think it would look. Large things of hay were strewn all around the barn and there were rusty barn tools hung on the wall. It looked like an disaster.
Maybe the party had all ready happened and left us to clean up they're mess. But I wasn't going to give up that easily. I quickly tried to analyze my surroundings. I tried to look around trying to find something that would give me the answer but I found nothing. It just looked like a run down barn, nothing else.
"Iceheart?" Said Twilight.
I turned to her,"Yeah?"
"Come here."
I trotted over to Twilight to see that she had swept a bit of the floor that had previously been covered with hay and revealed a small door probably leading somewhere important. I grabbed the handle on the door and pulled it open revealing a stone stair case spiraling down into the unknown.
I gave Twilight a quick nod and I began heading down the stairs. I kept heading down until the end when the staircase ended there was a short dark hall way and at the end stood an old wooden door. I waited until Twilight was right behind before I headed to the door. Once I reached the door I took a big breath and quietly opened it.
Behind the door was an incredibly large dark room. At the end of the side of the dimly lit room was a stage and at least thirty ponies. On the stage stood two ponies and a very large stone circle with some pony tied to it. The pony's stomach was cut open and his intestines strewn out of his stomach and on the floor. The stone behind him looked to have a star with a circle around it.
I quietly entered the large room and Twilight quietly followed. We would have kept sneaking around but one of the ponies head spun and faced us. It had black eyes buts its mouth did not look like a ponies but more resembled predators mouth or a crab.
All the other ponies creepily did the same thing one after another. Then finally the two ponies raised their heads and looked at us.
"Well" Said one of the ponies on the stage, he was a colt with bright red fur and completely black eyes, indicating he was not going to be very fond of me."your here to kill the party."
"Something like that." I responded.
He gave a slight chuckle,"And how do you plan to do that."
"With this." I stood on my two hind hooves,something I started doing more then usual, and pulled the "shotgun" out of my jacket and held it like I would my pistol.
"What does that do?" He asked.
I gave a smug smirk,"Your about to find out." I fired my new gun and immediately was flung back into a wall. As soon as my head stopped spinning I tried my best to stand up.
"Uh Iceheart, I think your supposed to hold it with two hooves." Said Twilight.
I was gonna make some sort of assholish comment but I was too surprised and in a little too much pain to think of one.
"Kill them." Said the pony on stage, he waved his hoof and then a swarm of evil demons suddenly started running towards me and Twilight. Mostly Twilight. I was able too see that the demons were headed for Twilight. I stood up and dashed for her while I pulled out my sword.
I saw one demon that was with in a few feet of Twilight, but I was able to cut a demon in half before it could reach her. I saw two more monstrosities headed straight for me. I sliced the head off one, the other one tried to hit me but I was able to dodge it and stab it directly in the throat. I pulled out the sword and turned directly to one demon that was a safe distance away from me.
I ran directly towards the demon and saw it was preparing for what it thought I was gonna do. As soon as I was close enough I jumped and placed both my hind hooves on its face. My hooves were still planted as the demon fell back on its back. The demons skull met the floor, and the pressure caused by my hooves caused the brain of the pony to explode.
I looked forward just in time to see a demon swing its hoof at me. I didn't have enough time to dodge so it collided with my skull. I backed up a bit but I quickly recovered and jumped forward and returned the favor by cutting of it's lower body in half.
My sword wasn't going to cut it right now. I flung my sword in the direction where the most demons were bundled. I immediately began shooting demons left and right. They were dropping like the bass in Vinyl Scratch's songs. All of the demons had their attention square on me at this point, which means they weren't going to attack Twilight.
I was too busy shooting demons to notice the demon behind me that was brandishing a lead pipe. Luckily I was able to get out of the way before It hit me. I turned back to the demon, it tried to hit me again but I grabbed the pipe and pulled myself in and placed the gun against its head and pulled the trigger.
By this point the only demons left alive were the two on the stage. I finally paid attention to the other one on stage. It was wearing a big black robe. Suddenly it pulled off its hood revealing its face. It had black skin and bright red eyes. It wasn't smiling but you could see it's teeth, Very long and very thin.
It lunged for me. Now I could see its arms, they weren't hooves, they were more like long black blades. I jumped backwards barely dodging its blades that embedded itself in the floor. It pulled its arms out of the floor and jumped to kill me again. Again I jumped back before it stabbed me, but this time I took advantage of the situation and I jumped forward and dropped my elbow on its head and kneed it in the jaw.
It stumbled back but quickly regained its position. I ran in and slashed its arms at me and I tried to get out of the way, this time I didn't escape unharmed, it cut my arm pretty deep. I quickly jumped back as far as I could to try to create a safe distance away from the monster. I began clutching the wound to try to stop the bleeding but it wasn't helping, I needed to end this fight soon and seek help.
I ran at the monster and it began sprinting towards me. When I was close enough I quickly leaped over the monster. And when I mean leaped I mean front flipped. While I was spinning I quickly found the right moment when I was looking down at the monster and I placed my gun to its head and shot it. I landed directly behind the monster and I could hear its body drop to the floor.
I looked to see the bright red colt still standing on the stage. Before he had time to do anything I jumped onto the stage. He was about to run but I shot one of his hind hooves and he fell onto the floor and began screaming and trying to clutch his wound.
I trotted up to him and placed my hoof on his stomach and aimed my gun straight at his head.
"Go ahead!" He said,"You'll never stop the invasion!"
"Wait..wait what?" I dumb foundedly said.
"You know,the invasion of Ponyville, you will never stop it!"
I was still confused,"Wait what?"
His face turned from fear of dying to a look of confusion that was mirroring my own,"You know, the invasion of Ponyville. Isn't that the reason your here?"
"No."
"Oh well I hope you have fun with that." He suddenly kicked me with his good hoof and sent me hurling off of him. He suddenly stood up as best as he could but he suddenly flew to the side and hit the stone tablet, blood suddenly leaked out of him.
I turned to see Twlight holding my shotgun with magic, "I did it! I did it!" she started screaming.
"Um Twilight" I said,"I think we have a bigger problem on our hands."
Dark Shadow was an evil bastard of a demon. He was the kind of person who you couldn't tell but insane or a genius. But he was neither. He was a psychopath. The body that he took over was of a rugged unicorn with gray fur and a mane dark as his soul, which is pretty dark.
He stood in an old abandoned house outside of Phillydelphia. It was an old run down house. Perfect for him to hide out in and plot. And plot he did, day and night, plotting and preparing is masterpiece, is magnum opus, his Big Lebowski if you will. But his would contain a lot more killing and raping. A lot more killing and raping.
Right now he was sitting a leather wheely chair behind an old wooden dusty writing desk. He had his hooves on the table and his head pointing down. He was in a very large dusty room that was only bright from the sun light creeping through the boarded windows. There was only hard wooden floors that were covered in dust and spider webs covered each corner of the room.
Outside the room a couple hooves began walking to the door until they finally reached it. Suddenly a mare walked in and closed the door. She had white fur and a blue mane wrapped on top of her head. She had gray eyes duller than steel and a pair of glasses on her face.
"Sir."
Shadow lifted up his head pointing his bright gold eyes at the mare.
"What is it Raven?" He asked her.
"I have just received word that the small group of demons that went out to celebrate the upcoming take over have been slaughtered."
Shadow sat in his chair, sitting silently in his chair, contemplating the what he thought about what he just heard.
"Since they were a moderate group of demons that will definitely hit our numbers in..."
"I don't care about that."He interrupted."We can easily replace them. But what bothers me is not the fact that a part of my army has been wiped out, but who was able to kill them all."
"According to my sources it was a demon hunter." She said.
"Brave or Jack?"
"Neither." She responded."He is a newer one. They his name is Iceheart. He's Apparently been causing a lot of trouble for our little community, even helping to kill a large group of vampires in their trademark underground clubs."
"So he will show up when we invade?" Shadow asked.
"Probably."
"He will not be a problem. I have killed many hunters before him, so he will not be a challenge for the likes of me."
"Of course sir." Said Raven. She then bowed her head down and turned to the door to leave. She opened the door and silently walked out, leaving Shadow all alone.
Finally, Shadow thought, I will kill them all.
I was in Twilight's house getting my arm stitched up from the fight. Twilight wasn't a nurse so she was reading from a book telling how to sew me up correctly. It was about night time when we got back so accidentally woke up Spike so he was pacing around the library. I was sitting on top of a chair that Twilight brought out I could at least sit down.
"Hold still." Twilight said, using her magic to send a needle through my arm. I held still as well as I could, Twilight gave me a leaf to chew so I was able to keep my mouth shut. After about five minutes Twilight finished stitching up my arm I stood up and brushed myself off.
"Feel better?" Twilight asked me.
"I feel fine." After I said that I looked at my coat,"Need some dry cleaning though."
"So what are we going to do about this invasion?"
"Well" I said,"we need to tell Princess Celestia immediately so we should leave pretty soon."
"Alright then. Spike I'm gonna have to go out again, okay?"
Spike sighed,"Okay Twilight, please be safe."
"I'll be fine, I'm just going to see the princess." Twilight turned away from Spike and to me,"Lets go." I simply nodded and headed for the door.
I estimated that it was about eleven o clock. Luna had raised the moon and the stars together making a beautiful night sky. Nopony was really outside at this time so I didn't have to pretend that I wasn't carrying deadly weapons on me or that I am a normal pony.
Twilight followed me outside and closed the door. "Alright Iceheart lets go."
"Alright then." I walked over to Twilight until I was close. Suddenly her horn began glaring and her face turned from normal and relaxed, to hard and concentrating. After a couple seconds the setting quickly changed from Ponyville to the Princess'es castle.
Twilight had teleported us on the balcony of the castle. The view from here was, to say the least, gorgeous. And right next to the balcony contained a small garden of flowers that Celestia often tended too, creating the blissful experience of a gorgeous view and majestic smells.
"HALT!!" Came a lot voice behind us. I turned around to find that it was one of Celestia's guards pointing a long spear at me.
"Whoa whoa man, its me Iceheart." I stood on two hooves and put my hooves up in the air. Twilight quickly got behind and stood quiet. After hearing me the guard dropped his spear down unto the floor.
"Oh my...sorry Mr. Iceheart I didn't recognize you. What brings you here?" He said.
"I need to talk to the princess immediately."
"Now? In the middle of the night?"
"Yes now. This is very urgent."
"Ummmm" He said, he sounded very apprehensive,"the Princess is in her quarters resting."
"I don't care if she is sleeping, this is serious." At this point I've seen the princess enough that she doesn't come off as some sort of holy goddess, so I was able to demand to see her without fear. Probably the price of fighting monsters of the unknown for a living.
"Alright then. I shall show you to her." He turned around and headed for the door that led out unto the balcony. I started following him and Twilight did the same. Since I had no idea who this guard was I decided I am going to refer to him as Charles. Charles led us through the large hall(Apparently the one where Cadance and Shining Armor got married) and a hall way, we came to the Princess's room.
There were two guards that were guarding her door. They were as stiff as a board and looked a serious as they could in that silly armor.
"Red Hammer" Said Charles to the guard on the right side of the door "These two demand to see the princess immediately."
"Why should we let these two in?" Said the one on the left, getting looks from the other two guards meaning that he probably stepped out of line.
"Hammer shut up!" Said Charles,"This is Iceheart and Twilight Sparkle."
Suddenly the guard that snapped at us, began looking very scared,"Oh..oh I had no idea, alright then." The guard then turned away from us and knocked on the big wooden door that blocked the princess's room from the rest of the castle.
"What..what is going on?!" Yelled a loud voice behind the door.
"Princess celestia, it is Twilight Sparkle and Sir Iceheart. They need to see you immediately, apparently its very urgent." Said Charles.
"Can't it wait till tomorrow?" Said the princess.
I think that tonight had gotten on my nerves a small bit. Getting my cut and learning my town was going to be destroyed put me a rather tense mood. And at this moment I was in no mood to waste time."Celestia stop clopping and let us the fuck in!" I yelled, startling Twilight and the guards.And Charles.
"Fine. Come in." The doors were suddenly flung open. I entered the room without looking at Twilight or the guards. I always liked the princess's room, there was carpet on the floor that was as soft as baby seal. The room was half white and half pink. The room was a lot cleaner then my room or any of the rooms I have ever been in.
Celestia was standing in the middle of the room. I saw that her eyes were not focused on me, so I turned around to see Twilight finally enter the room.
"Shut the door Twilight." Said Celestia.
"Of course." Twilight quietly shut the door and quickly came to my side. Even though I was'nt looking at her, I could still feel her giving me a dirty look.
"Now...what is so important that you two had to disturb my slumber to tell me?"
"I don't know,I think the fact that a bunch of demons are probably going to invade Ponyville and kill all of the residents that live there."
Suddenly her eyes became as wide as my private collection of porn."Wait what?" She said.
"We were investigating the gathering of demons and found out that it was a celebration for an upcoming invasion of Ponyville." Said Twilight.
"This is just as I feared. When I sent you to investigate this gathering this was one of the things I estimated that would happen. But that was the worst case scenario." Said the Princess.
"Well what are we going to do?" I asked.
The princess responded sternly and coldly,"Nothing. We are going to let them invade."
"What!" Yelled Twilight and I, are reactions almost in-sync with each others."What do you mean do nothing."
"Well to launch an invasion of a town like Ponyville, there would have to be a huge amount of demons, and their numbers are already trembling." Celestia turned towards me and spoke,"Don't you see Iceheart? If the demons invade and you kill them all then at least half of the demon population in Equestria will be wiped out."
I was suddenly growing angry with our princess,"So you just want us to let a bunch of demons invade Ponyville and kill everyone there? Can't we at least evacuate the town before they invade?!"
"Not really. If we evacuate all of Ponyville the demons will know we know about the invasion and will cancel their plans."
Rage was filling my belly, to the point that I didn't really care what I was saying."So you just want us to do fucking nothing and let these monsters invade!" My loud voice catching the attention of Twilight.
"Look Iceheart I don't want to do this either. Do you think that I want to let horrible creatures invade Poniville and kill a couple of innocent ponies? Look, we will never have an oppurtunity like this again. If we are able to kill those demons then Equestria would be much safer."
I was suddenly aware of what Celestia was talking about. Nopony would want to make a decision like this. She was just thinking in the long run. Still I wasn't really happy with her, but at least I could understand where she was coming from. Twilight stood beside me, quiet and unmoving.
"Alright then. So what is the plan?" I asked.
"Well, the plan is to just let them invade. But I don't want to get anypony hurt so I will probably send Brave or any other demon hunters I can get my hooves on. When the demons invade you and the other hunters will try to kill as many demons as you can and try to protect the the residents of Poniville."
"Alright then." I said."But is there anything we can do to protect them?"
"I have an idea." Said Twilight suddenly deciding to break her silence."I recently learned a spell from one of the books about demons you sent me. Its basically like a spell to repel demons for a certain amount of time. I could use this on all of the houses in Poniville so that we could at least protect foals and ponies in their houses. Then I could cast a large bubble around poniville so that the demons won't be able to escape."
"Holy fuck thats a good idea." I said, and it was. It was at moments like this that showed that Twilight was a really smart pony and not just something I had to drag around on missions.
"Indeed it is." Said Celestia."But are you sure you are able create a barrier big enough to trap the demons?"
"I'll try princess." Said Twilight.
"Alright then." I interrupted."We now have a game plan."
Celestia nodded."Yes we do. I think the best thing to do is to get some rest. I will send other hunters to your residence by tomorrow."
"Alright then." I said, and preceded to go to the door. Twilight reached the door before I did, so I was on my way when I was interrupted by the princess's voice. "And Iceheart." I turned to see the princess, standing exactly where my eyes left her, while Twilight preceded to head out."What I do in my room by myself in the middle of the night is none of your business, and you of all ponies have no right to disturb me."
Almost at the exact same time, a small smile creeped upon the faces of me and the princess,"I don't get it, your a princess, you can get some hard dick." Without turning back to see her reaction I trotted to the door and closed it.
I met Twilight back in the hall and we both teleported back to Ponyville. We teleported back outside Twilights house. Twilight headed back inside her house and took off to mine. I finally reached my house and walked inside and to the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet nearest to the fridge, my little liquor cabinet. I pulled out a bottle of some "Applejacks family cider". I opened it up and pressed it against my lips and began sucking at the sweet nectar of alcohol. And after a day like this I really needed it.
Dark Shadow sat in his chair, facing a window behind his desk. Everything was going to plan. Even though he wasn't able to get every demon in Equestria he had gathered enough for a small army. A small army that would soon be taking over Ponyville and it would become our checkpoint. Then they would take Fillydelphia, then Manehatten, finally Canterlot. They would kill the princess and he would take her place.
A couple knocks on the door took him out of his fantasy."Come in." The door opened and in stepped, his always faithful assistant, Raven. Raven was a very peculiar case. She herself was not of demon origins, she was a pony through and through. He never really understood why she worked with a monster like him. Actually they had met years ago. A member of his slowly growing army had brought her back. The demons intentions was to tie her in the back and use her for sex. Occasionally feeding her so that the meat would still pump blood and scream. But when he saw, he saw a spark in her eyes. A spark that screamed for leadership and was fueled by hatred.
"Sir, we have gathered as many soldiers as possible. They are ready to strike." Finally, he thought. Finally his plan to cover Equestria in the blood of his residents and cover it in darkness would see the light of the day."We leave tomorrow."
I woke up in my bed in a state of transcendent bliss. I don't know what it was, the second I woke up a smile planted itself on my face and refused to leave. It was probably last night, the perfect combination of alcohol and masturbation and put me in a zen like state. I finally gained the muscle to lift up my covers and get out of my bed.
I walked into my bathroom and turned on my shower. I turned to see my reflection in the mirror. I was just examining my handsome and dare I say stunning face when I noticed something I have never noticed before. A small cut right under my right eye."Uh." I said. After a couple pokes with my hoof I stepped in to my shower. I don't feel like describing me being naked and cleaning myself so I'll just skip to the end.
I hopped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry myself. After I was at adequate dryness level I stepped out of my bathroom and headed downstairs to my kitchen. I brewed myself a cup of coffee and sat down at my table. Today I was going to get my partners to help us with the upcoming invasion. I feel like we have a couple of days before they strike. Oh shit, they're probably gonna stay here. That means I have to hook them up with beds and shit. Fuck.
My thought was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. I set my coffee down and got up out of my chair. I trotted over to my door and opened it. Revealing the large white figure on the other side of the door."Princess Celestia?" I said surprised she was here."May I come in?" She asked. I nodded and moved out of the way. Due to her size she had to dip her head while coming in to avoid hitting her head.
Once she was inside she took a quick overview of her surroundings,"Nice house." She said."Um..thank you. So what are you doing here princess?" She stopped observing my messy house and turned to me."Oh I just came here to inform you about your partners Iceheart."
"Oh cool. Who are they?" I asked."Well I got Brave, but besides him I could only get one other demon hunter. His name is Grimes and he's....well he is different." What she said and the tone she said it in was more then enough for me to raise my eyebrow."What do you mean?" I asked."He is a demon. And not only that he is also immortal. Luckily he doesn't work with any demon-like entities so he should be easy to work with."
"Alright I can work with that." I said. I was going to simple leave it at that, but then a thought flew by my mind."Hey princess Celestia I have a question. Why do we keep demon hunting a secret?"
Suddenly Celestia's face changed. Changed from royal superiority to a mix of horror and sadness. Celestia sighed,"If you really must know then I will tell you Iceheart. There are many things you do not know, things you've never seen, ponies you ever heard of, and worlds you have never experienced. The thing very unique about Equestria is the ponies who inhabit it. The love each pony has for each other and the fact that they want to help and not hurt each other. But there are other worlds where the inhabitants are not as fortunate. Worlds where they do horrible things do each other and their love for each other is almost nowhere to be found. Worlds where horrible things are around each corner. But not Equestria, this place is filled with love and innocence and I don't want to ruin that by telling them there are monsters who would do horrible things to them just because it's in there nature."
"The job you have taken up Iceheart is something not a lot of ponies can do. Not a lot of ponies can handle the type of responsibility and burden you have. Most would go insane or have scars from realizing what you have. I'm sorry I've gone off on a tangent but you know have your answer.I must get back to the palace. Goodbye." Celestia turned herself away from me and turned to the door. She squeezed herself through my door and closed it behind her.
My mind was at a loss. I wasn't expecting an answer like that. I was still processing what I had heard. And what was she talking about, other worlds? There are other worlds? Thats....fucking awesome! I mean this is awesome, I always knew there were more planets with life then ours. My friends and I in middle school were huge geeks about stuff like this. Constantly reading sci-fi novels that cemented our status as huge geeks. But I don't think that makes me a geek, it was my crippling addiction to the arcades that cemented it for me.
After I snapped myself out of thinking how many quarters I put into Black Tiger and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I finally set my course back to my kitchen table to finish my cup of coffee.
It was about three o clock when I heard the knock on the door. I was in my living room laying on the couch passing the time by listening to some records I actually bought before I was attacked and went on to become a demon hunter. I got up from my couch and took off the record off the record player. I slipped the record in its sleeve and put it in the shelf where I kept most of my records. I trotted over to the door and opened it, revealing Brave and what I assumed was Grimes.
Brave was standing outside, him rocking his bright orange and black mane shining in the sunlight. He had replaced his black leather jacket with a sweater vest of all things. I guess a black leather jacket isn't really fashionable this time of year. Right behind him was Grimes. He was a unicorn like Brave, he had light brown fur and a dark brown mane. He looked like a basic generic pony until I saw his eyes. His eyes were unlike anything I have ever seen. His iris was bright purple, and everything else, all black. He was carrying a rather large gym bag and he had a look on his face that said he didn't really want to be here.
"Iceheart." Said Brave."Brave." I turned my eyes to Grimes,"And you must be Grimes." I said but I only got a glare from him as a response."Come in." I opened the door as wide as I could and stepped to the side to make way for my new guests. Brave walked inside and Grimes soon followed. Grimes scanned my house and said his first words."Fuck this place is sad." Admittedly not the best way to introduce yourself.
Grimes threw his gym bag on my couch. He turned to me and then said his second sentence,"So where are the nearest prostitutes?" This made me raise my eyebrows so high I wouldn't be surprised if they flew off my head, crashed through the ceiling and collided with Rainbow Dash.
"What do you mean where are the prostitutes?" I asked him."I mean where are the ponies that I give them my bits and I have sex with them for hours on end." I was still just at a loss. Was he seriously asking me where the prostitutes in Ponyville are, if there are any prostitutes in Ponyville.
I then saw Brave standing in my kitchen, brewing himself up a cup of coffee."Don't mind him." Brave said to me."The crazy bastard has been asking me questions like that the whole way over here. You'll get used to it." Grimes had not taken what Brave said well. He had quickly turned himself to Brave,"Oh look who's talking mr sweater vest. Fucking Rick Santorum over here."
Grimes turned away from both of us and headed over to his gym bag. He opened it up and after rifling through it a little bit he suddenly pulled out a needle, he held out one of his hooves and quickly jabbed himself with the needle and pressed down on it.
Now I don't usually see stuff like that a lot, or at all. So I was little bit freaked out when he did this. But I was able to hold myself back from asking "What the fuck are you doing?!". I needed to appear friendly to somepony that obviously not well. So I simply asked him a question, "Is....that heroin?"
He simply turned to me,"Of course its heroin." Never thought I would hear that sentence said so casually. I waltzed over to his bag and began looking in his bag of goodies. One thing I saw that I'm definitely familiar with, a big bag of pot. One thing I saw definitely needed some explanation to me. I pointed to said object and turned to Grimes,"Is that a...dildo?"
Without even looking at me he responded,"Of course it is." It seemed the more I know about Grimes the less I wanted to know about him, and I barely knew him."Are you some sort of sexual freak or something." I asked him.
"No I am not a sexual freak." He said."I'm just over three hundred years old and thats when things start to get boring. Sure it seems gross when you're thirty years old but after two hundred years you sort've become more open to things."
The conversation about what age you'll start putting things in your ass was thankfully interrupted by another knock on my door. I was to far away to answer it so Brave answered it for me. Twilight then walked through the door and thanked Brave. But before I could ask her anything Grimes jumped over my couch and landed right beside her.
"Ummmm." He said looking at her intently, as if he was analyzing her,"Since there are no prostitutes here in Ponyville I guess you will do." I immediately pointed my hoof at Grimes,"You are not fucking my assistant." He rolled his eyes,"Fine." He walked away from her and joined Brave in the kitchen.
I walked over to Twilight."Who in Celestia's name was that?" She asked. "Thats Grimes, he's an immortal demon so excuse him. So what brings you here?" "I came over to tell you that I figured out the spell to help protect ponies inside and that i'm going to do preparations tonight." She said.
"Good, the demons are coming and the sooner we prepare the better off we'll be." I turned to see what Grimes and Brave were doing. Brave was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying his coffee. Grimes on the other hand had found his way to my liquor cabinet and was guzzling down a bottle of peach schnapps I kept in there. I didn't really mind it that much, was probably never going to drink it anyway.
"Alright then." Said Twilight."Are you sure you're able to handle those two?" She said, pointing to my new partners."Of course." I said."Alright then." Twilight turned around and opened the door,"See ya later." she said and left.
I sighed. I walked back to my couch and collapsed. As my back and neck absorbed themselves into the couch I turned to see Grimes bag. I was scanning the bag looking for even more weird stuff in his bag when I noticed something. After oulling myself closer I grabbed the bag and held it up so I could see what it was, and I definitely am used to what was in this bag. A big bag of weed.
Grimes, Brave and I both sat on the couch. The bong Grimes had brought in his bag sat on my living room table, next to my porno magazines that I never cleared away. We had blasted through all of my music, we had listened to all of my Hoodie Allen records, my Childish Gambinos, hell we even listened to my old MC Chris album I bought back in middle school. And the weed had helped the music sound as good as when I first heard it.
All three of us had taken multiple rips and it put us in a state of perfect happiness. The weed was also really good stuff, not like the stuff I bought in middle school, this was the kind of weed that would make you smile and if you tried to frown it just came right back. It almost hurt not smiling.
I sat on my couch listening to music when I looked over to my partners. Grimes looked as if he was almost asleep, like he was thinking about something deeper then he ever thought before. I looked over at Brave and and saw the bastard had found my pepperidge farms. He was sticking his hoof in the bag trying to find nourishment until he finally just tipped the bag over wishing for food to come out. His wish did not come true.
"Iceheart do you have any snacks or stuff to eat?" Asked Brave."Not really.' I replied,"I haven't gotten any groceries so this place is pretty barren." Thinking about food was making me hungry. We needed to find a place to get something to eat. Then it clicked in my head,"Why don't we go to Sugercube Corner?' They got cakes and stuff."
"Yeah I heard about that place." Said Brave,"I hear the cupcakes there are amazing." "Alright then lets go." Brave and I both stood up, while Grimes continued to lay there on my couch, as if he didn't hear us."Grimes you coming?" I asked. After about 2 seconds he responded,"Yeah sure, I could go for some cupcakes right now." Grimes finally got up from the couch, his head meeting Brave and mine.
All three of us headed to the door and went outside. Now our journey to the Sugary Corner would now commence.
Its only after writing 9 chapters of this story am I starting to realize how much I suck at writing.
Ponyville was beautiful this time of day. Colts and fillies were out playing, and their adult counter-parts were doing their daily activities. It was just a nice place to be really, really high in.
Grimes, Brave and I were walking through Ponyville with a mission, find the place known as Sugercube Corner. While Grimes and Brave were talking about something I was thinking important thoughts. What was I gonna get? I heard the cupcakes there were mindblowing but I had a craving for something cake like. But I doubt I could just pick up a cake without warning. What kind of cake did I want? I feel lemon would be pretty good. Oh well, i'll figure it all out when we get there.
I finally snapped back into reality, catching a bit of the conversation between Grimes and Brave."So basically I blast the prostitutes torso off, I'm not even that good at magic but the cocaine helped. So after that I was still super horny but her legs and crotch were in twelve places in my house. I didn't want to fuck her in the mouth or the eyes so I basically decided to cut and fuck a hole in stomach. After I fucked her I passed out and when I woke up I got it cleaned up."
"Grimes" Said Brave,"i'm pretty sure you are a celestia-damned psychopath." Grimes smirked,"Well its only psychopaths who get to fuck the holes they make." I really wish I could have listened to this conversation from the beginning.
Finally Sugercube Corner was in sight, and it wasn't until now that I realize how bizarre that building is. Hell, it doesn't even look like a building, it looks more like a life size ginger bread house for a soon to be diabetic. I couldn't tell if it was edible or not, maybe should test that out.
I reached the door before the other two. I opened the door and held it open for Brave and Grimes to walk in. When they were inside I turned to what looked like a candy cane next to the door. I scanned around to see if anypony was watching me. After confirming they were all doing other things I decided to lick it. I went in close and stuck out my tongue and proceeded to lick it. Wood. Damn.
I entered the store to see Brave and Grimes waiting near the counter waiting. I don't think I've really been here before. I've heard that the cupcakes are orgasmic but I haven't really ever been here. Hopefully this experience wouldn't damage my sanity in any way. Then Pinkie Pie showed up.
"How you doin?" Said Pinkie Pie, suddenly appearing from behind the counter, her sudden appearance startling Brave but barely affecting Grimes. Suddenly she turned to me,"Icy! I haven't seen you in a long time. Were you able to get the glue out of your dirty magazines." Celestia kill me twice.
Grimes turned to Pinkie,"Glue?". Pinkie nodded her head,"Yeah, his magazines filled with naked ponies are stuck together and it's sad since you can't see all their jiggly bits." Grimes cracked a huge smile,"Pinkie I don't its glue thats sticking those pages together." Upon saying that Pinkie looked confused,"Let me give you a hint, it starts with a C and rhymes with dumb." After a quick thought process Pinkie's face confirmed she found her answer,"Ohhhhhhh its his cu-"
"PINKIE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, getting the attention of Pinkie and Grimes. I sighed,"We're here to get some stuff to eat." Suddenly Pinkie's face began to light up,"Oh then what do you want?" "Ummm....I'm thinking about getting a cake or something."
"Oh cake? What flavor? We got vanilla,chocolate, lemon, raspberry, raspberry vanilla,chocolate lemon,chicken. Oh we also got tons more flavors like.." I had to interrupt or we would be here all night."Uh I think chocolate would be great."
"Sure thing Icy! One chocolate cake coming right up! And maybe that chocolate would help your guy'es eyes." I gave a slight chuckle.
"Alrighty then!" Said Pinkie,"That'll be twelve bits." Oh shit. I completely forgot about the practice of exchanging goods for currency. But my small panic attack was ended when I saw Brave pull out a pouch of coins, and toss them onto the counter."Keep the change." Brave said."Oki dokey! It'll be done in about twenty minutes!" Pinkie turned and hopped to the kitchen.
I turned around and headed towards the door. It seemed like a nice day and I could probably just kill twenty minutes walking around Ponyville, something which I rarely did. I stepped outside of the bakery into the fresh air of the town I lived in, and began taking a walk. Brave and Grimes followed me outside and began to join in this walk extravaganza.
"So tell me Icy," Said Grimes,"how does somepony who apparently can use a tiny machine that shoots tiny pointed pieces not be able to aim in some tissues." I sighed,"I am going to kill you Grimes." He just chuckled in response.
I continued my walk, trying my best to ignore any future comments from that asshole Grimes I noticed a stand, a very certain stand that was currently occupied by one of the elements of harmony.
Applejack was currently selling a couple of apples to Lyra Heartstrings. Besides her there was Big Mac, and a small filly with red hair that is her........daughter? Sister? Yeah i'll just go with that.
I kept walking towards the apple stand. Applejack had finished her sale and saw me."Well howdy there Iceheart. What brings you here?"
"I'm just taking a walk, i'm waiting for a cake and I thought this would be a good way to kill time." After saying that I noticed how stupid what we were doing was. Why in fucks name are we buying a cake at three o clock? And why is it taking me this long to notice how stupid this all is?
"Oh, and are these you're friends?" She said pointing to Brave and Grimes."No" I said," they're just temporary assistants." Applejack nodded her head. Suddenly Grimes had jumped towards the stand."Excuse me pretty lady but who is that?" He said, pointing towards a very large red stallion.
"Well thats my brother." Said Applejack. Grimes eyes locked on on the red figure as he licked his lips."Mmm...gotta get me some of that." Applejack looked at him,"Uhh...beg you're pardon?"
"I haven't seen a stallion with a flank like that in a long time." Applejack's face changed from slight confusion to assertive."Are you saying what I think you're saying mister?"
I had to stop this before something bad happened. I jumped towards Grimes and pulled him away from the stand."Sorry about that he's just a bit....eccentric." I gave a slight grin trying to add a bit of humor to the situation."Thats okay Ice. I'm fine with people like him, just keep him away from my brother you hear?"
I nodded,"Will do." I turned around and grabbed Grimes and pushed him as far away from the apple stand as I could, until my arms got tired. Finally after pushing him a couple yards away I let go of him and began walking beside him."What are you doing?"
"What?" He said shrugging is shoulders,"I didn't do anything wrong." I gave him a stern look,"Dude, thats my assistant's friend's brother, you can't just try to fuck somepony like that."
"I'm sorry, it's just that he was fucking huge. And that means his dick must be like, fucking 12 inches at least man, and I haven't been fucked by huge cock in a long time. Have you ever been fucked by a huge dick and then just a regular dick? Its not the same."
I hit my face with my hoof and groaned,"You're the only pony I know who can make immortality sound awful." Grimes chuckled,"Whatever, lets go get that cake."
After walking around Ponyville for a couple minutes, we headed back to Sugercube Corner. I walked through the door with Brave and Grimes. Pinkie was standing behind the counter and as soon as she saw me a big grin formed on her face.
"Oh hey Icy your cake is done." Suddenly she ducked behind her counter and pulled out a big chocolate cake, covered in white frosting and coated with rainbow sprinkles. Just looking at it made my stomach growl.
"Sweet." I said, I walked over to the counter and took the cake from Pinkie's hooves."Thanks Pinkie." She nodded her head,"Thanks Icy! I made it with special care. And try not to get any of your stuff in that cake!"
The small grin that I had on my face turned to a blank face. Even though I could hear Grimes snickering I turned around and walked out of Sugercube Corner.
Getting that cake was an awesome idea. Everything was just perfect, there was not a single thing wrong at the moment. This moment is what ponies can only dream about. Simple bliss. And all it took was some good weed, some Gang Starr, a comfy couch and some chocolate cake.
The bong sat itself in Grimes hooves while he sucked the smoke from its head. Brave and I were laying back on the couch, we were in that state where we were higher than we have ever been, but not too high that it's overwhelming. But Grimes was packing bowls and finishing them all by himself, guess it takes more to get high for an immortal.
Grimes took his lips away from the bong and set it on the table. Suddenly he turned to Brave and I,"Hey I have a question for you guys, why the fuck did you guys become demon hunters?" Brave turned to him,"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you know, why did you guys become demon hunters?" Suddenly his eyes turned to me,"Like Iceheart you don't look like a demon hunter at all. So what made you want to become a demon hunter?"
"Um......" His stare made me look for something to say to him. But suddenly I realized I haven't asked myself that question, this whole time I have not truly asked myself that question. Why the hell did I become a demon hunter?
Then I realized, I pretty much dreamed of doing the stuff I'm doing now. Reading comic books, watching movies, and playing games about powerful warriors fighting crazy monsters and just being a total badass in general is stuff iv'e wanted to do my whole life.
Even though I became a writer, I still kinda had that sort of mind set, fuck I even wrote a book about a pony being some crazy badass. Unsettled by what I just discovered about myself I turned back to grimes."..money." I said nodding my head. Seeming satisfied by my answer Grimes turned to Brave,"And you?"
"Family business." Brave said casually. Grimes nodded his head and laid back down on the couch. Suddenly he shifted his head, turning to a clock on the wall and turning back to me and Brave."Dude its fucking seven, we need to get fucked up!" Suddenly he got off the couch and jumped on to the table,nearly knocking over the bong.
I wasn't content with his idea,"Nah man, lets just chill here." I said. The realization of why I became a demon hunter quickly dampened my mood."Come on Ice, we could go get super plastered and pick up some bitches to fuck." He jumped off the table and landed directly in front of me."I'm tired of listening shitty albums man." Did he just say my albums are shitty?
Grimes saw I wasn't responding so he turned to Brave,"Yo sweater vest, you wanna get drunk tonight?" Brave simply shrugged his shoulders,"A drink does sound pretty good about now."
Grimes raised his hooves high in the air,"Majority rules! Lets get fucked up!" Grimes turned away from me and ran for the door. Brave quietly stood up and followed. I looked over at Grimes who was holding open my front door,"Come on Ice, liquor and pussy!"
I sighed, damn majority.
We arrived at the Drunken Pony a quarter after seven. When we got here we sat down on a couple of barstools right in front of the counter. Brave ordered a small glass of bourbon while Grimes ordered a bottle of whiskey, he refused to take a glass, instead choosing to chug the bottle.
I just got a glass of beer, I wasn't in the mood to get very drunk but I wasn't about to be the only pony in a bar without a drink, thats like going to an abortion clinic to read the magazines and laugh at the crying mares.
Grimes and Brave were having some sort of conversation, a conversation so interesting that I chose to block it out. I just kept looking down at my beer, staring down into the urine colored honey that I chose to poison my liver with.
But Grimes saw that I wasn't really talking and chose to interrupt my staring contest with my beer."Hey man" He said, giving me a light punch in the arm,"we've been here twenty minutes and you're still on your first beer."
"I don't know" I responded,"just not in the mood to get drunk." I thought that would satisfy Grimes, but I should've known better."C'mon man." Grimes turned away from me and turned to the bartender,"Hey bartender get us some shots!" His head violently jerked back to me,"What do you drink?"
"Usually vodka." I said." What are you a 19 year old girl?" He turned back to the bartender,"Get us some whiskey!"
I was about two shots in when I finally felt the liquor kick in. I'm not the kind of colt who can pound down 3 bottles of booze and stand tall but I can down a couple of shots. I wasn't drunk enough to start waving my willy around and start knocking into shit, I was just tipsy enough to be a bit more expressive.
Grimes and I were having a conversation, with the occasional sentence from Brave, about whatever we found interesting at the time, mares, drugs, funny stories, whatever came into conversation."......So after killing her I pretty much used her shower and luckily able to get the bits of her that were stuck in my hair."
I gave a slight chuckle, who knew an immortal monster would have such interesting stories. I hadn't heard a word from Brave in a while so I turned to see what he was doing. Instead of listening to Grimes story of his ex girlfriend he was actually having a drink and talking with a mare. I couldn't hear what he was saying but apparently it was funny enough for the mare to burst out laughing. She had cream colored fur and reddish hair, I think i've seen her run a flower shop or something.
Then suddenly I heard the door to the bar open. Intrigued by who was now joining the party I saw as my assistant walk into the bar. I saw Twilight scan the bar looking for somepony, until her eyes laid themselves down upon me. She slowly walked towards me until we were in conversing distance.
"Ice!" She said, her voice drizzled with slight anger,"What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be getting drunk when theres an invasion on the horizon." I shrugged my shoulders,'I'm just kicking back a bit Twilight."
Grimes turned around in his seat and turned to Twilight holding a shot glass,"Hey purple bitch lets get fucked up." Twilight took a step back from Grimes,"I'm good thanks." It should have ended there, but Grimes apparently the type to let up easily."C'mon, just one."
Twilight sighed,"Fine I guess one won't hurt." She took the shot glass from Grime's hooves and took a seat on the barstool beside me. She took a small sip before completely gulping down the alcohol. She set down the shot glass down on the counter, her face looking as if she was a five year old taking her first sip of liquor, her face disgruntled as the nectar slid down her throat.
After setting down the shot glass she took a deep breath. Grimes looked over me to Twilight,"See? Wasn't that bad?" Twilight turned back to him,"Not bad. I could go for some more."
Grimes smirked,"Alright then, give me your glass." Twilight slid over Grimes and so did I. Grimes grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured it into both our glasses and even his own. He slid one to me and the other to Twilight. He grabbed his glass and raised it high,"Cheers."
[Two shots later]
"This was a pretty good idea."
[Two more shots later]
"The erections of small colts are like teaspoons, we all had them but we never got to use them."
[Two more shots later]
"I'm gonna pee everywhere."
I opened the door to the bar and stepped out in the streets of Ponyville. I held the door open for Brave and his mare as they walked out. They kept walking away from me until Brave turned around to see me,"See you back at your house!" He yelled.
"Don't fuck in my bed!" I yelled back at him, I giggled and turned back to the door to see Grimes exit the bar."See you later man." Said Grimes, slightly drunk. I simply nodded my head. Then I turned back to the door to see Twilight. She stumbled out of the bar and turned back to me.
At this point I was almost drunk to whip out my junk but just not. Twilight had this big smile planted right on her face,"Hey Icy" She said, words barely formed from her drunken mouth,"take me home."
Now normally I would have said,"Fine." and walked her home. But now I said,"Sure." my drunk voice reminiscent of a friendly grizzly bear.
I walked over to her, barely able to keep my balance. Once I got close to her she turned away and began walking.
We walked for five minutes until we reached a dark alley. Now I knew this wasn't where Twilight lived."Uh...Twilight?" Suddenly I was pushed into the alley and shoved against the wall by my purple assistant. In a flash her mouth came into contact with mine and began kissing me.
At first I was taken completely off guard, but I quickly came to accept it and began kissing her as well. Suddenly she pulled her mouth away from mine and jerked back,"I've wanted to do this for a long time."
"Really?" I said confused.She nodded her head,"Recently I just thinking you're kinda cute." She began trottings towards me until she was close enough to place her hoof upon my stomach,"Maybe it was seeing you on that stripper pole but you make me hot." Her hoof slowly began tracing down my stomach until she was only inches from my groin. Now this I wasn't expecting. I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for what was going to happen.
"Twilight?" Said an unknown voice.
I jerked my head to see Rainbow standing outside of the alley."Rainbow?" Said Twilight, quickly jumping away from me,"What'r.....what're you doing here?"
"I was just doing some flying for a bit of late night exercise when I saw you and Icy smacking your tongues together." I looked away and began scratching my back, which was quickly adopted by Twilight."But nevermind, keep doing what you were doing." Said Rainbow, quickly flying away.
"Im.....I....I gotta go." Said Twilight, quickly running out of the alley and probably back to her house. Contemplating what just happened and what could have happened, I sighed. Slowly I walked out of the alley and back to my house.
I opened the door and trotted up the stairs, ignoring the sounds of tongues colliding on my couch. Finally I reached my room where I fell upon my bed and passed out.
Over the course of writing this, I have grown an obsession with the band Death Grips and the show Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
Oh yeah and rate this story and stuff. Or don't, its whatever you want. If it sucks tell me then.
I woke up in my bed. I tried to keep my eyes closed but it was no use, I was awake. I slowly began opening my eyes, revealing the beautiful yet messy world of my room. My windows blinds were open, letting small rays of sunshine show on my bed. I was laying on the left side of the bed, slightly at an angle.
But then I began to notice the pounding of hammers taking place in my head, as soon as I felt it I raised my hooves and grabbed my head, trying to regain control of my head but it was futile.
After a couple minutes of getting used to the headache I got up from my bed and headed downstairs.
I walked in my kitchen to find Grimes sitting at the table. His legs laid themselves on the table as he tipped slightly back in his chair. He was wearing what looked a fine red robe that seemed to drape itself over its body. I didn't own any red robes so I assumed it was his, but this was Grimes so he might've just stolen it from somewhere. In his mouth was a long wooden pipe, which stuck itself in his mouth.
I trotted towards the table and pulled myself a chair, which got the attention of Grimes.
"Good morning beautiful." He said to me,"How are you doing this fine day?"
I probably would have said something in a sarcastic and from there we would have witty banter. But the headache in my head was just too much. I was barely able to string out "Fuck off".
Grimes didn't seem to care. He gave a slight giggle,"I'll take that as a no then. I knew that you were gonna be slightly cranky this morning so I took some precautions." He then pointed to the stove, which I had neglected looking at until now.
On the stove was a kettle and a pan. The pan had some small remnants of grease still inside. Too the left was what looked like a lot of bacon between two crunchy looking pieces of bread.
"You made that for me?" I asked. Grimes nodded.
"I sure did. I remember what it was like the first time I got hungover, it was a pain in the ass. So I figured if I was going to take over this body I might as well learn how to get rid of the pain a bit. So since i'm crashing at your place I thought I might as well share my secrets with you too."
Grimes took his hooves off the table and stood up, he trotted to the stove, grabbed the plate with the sandwich, and trotted back and placed it in front of me. I trotted over to a cupboard and pulled out a light green coffee mug. He walked over to the kettle and poured it into the mug. He walked back to me and placed it right next to my sandwich.
At this point I was quite speechless and confused,"Thanks man."
Grimes grinned,"No problem."
I looked down at what was in the coffee mug, it was filled with a slight brown but clear liquid which I assumed was tea."So what is this?"
"Well in your cup is something called Muti tea. You can't buy it from traditional tea shops in Equestria. I got this tea from when I decided to visit a tribe of zebras out east. Its laced with a slight painkiller, similar to aspirin but a bit stronger."
"Alright then, but whats the bacon sandwich for?"
"Oh so just assume theres a reason behind the bacon sandwich? It can't be there for its delectable taste, no its here for some superficial reason." Grimes began to smile,"Just kidding, actually that sandwich is full of something called protein and carbohydrates, not sure about the science but I know it makes you feel better."
That was all the proof I needed, I grabbed the sandwich and immediately bit into it. I would say it was delicious but its a bacon sandwich, thats pretty much a given. After gulping that down I grabbed the mug and took a sip of that tea. It was a lot more sweet than I expected it to be and it went down as smooth as water.
While I scarfed down my food I would occasionally look over to see what Grimes was doing. All he was doing was smoking his pipe and staring off into space, like he was thinking something super deep.
After I finished my sandwich and tea I walked over to the sink and dropped my plate and cup inside. As I dropped the dishes into my sink a question popped inside my head. I turned my head back over to Grimes,"Hey wheres Brave?" Looking back I would give anything for him to not answer that question.
"Over there." Grimes pointed over to the living room. I foolishly walked over to see where he was. Then.........then, I remembered he brought some chick home. I would describe what I saw but i'll let you figure it out by the next couple of seconds.
"Oh....oh Celestia." I said, starting to feel the taste of vomit rising up after saying that sentence.
"Yeah," Said Grimes,"after we came back they just kinda started going at it on the couch, and I guess after I left they just kinda....did it."
"On my couch."
Grimes chuckled,"Pretty much."
"Oh Luna I can see his balls."
"Yeah" Grimes replied,"noticed those while I was making the bacon. Really tiny looking things too." His eyes shift from Braves balls to my eyes,"What are your balls like?"
"I have no fucking ide...!" I was interrupted by a swift hoof reaching over to me and grabbing my dick and balls. This action made me jump in the air in surprise, but I was quickly brought down by Grimes hard grip.
"Ummmm...." Grimes said aloud while fondling me,"you have some pretty soft balls." Suddenly he looked back up at me and smiled,"And nice dick you got there."
You have no idea how weak and helpless you feel when a grown stallion has your balls in his hand. I wasn't in any pain but I definitely wasn't feeling very good either.
"Please.....please let go." I said. Grimes loosened his grip on my junk and walked back to the table."Gotta nice pair of stuff down there, ever fancy fucking a guy in the ass?"
I was just processing then fact I was groped by an unearthly being, so my usually confident manner now changed into a small whimpering filly."Not...not really."
"Well I would say considering it, I'd hate to see a nice dick go to waste because I can tell you're not getting any from any mare here." Grimes was about to go continue smoking but he quickly turned back to me,"Oh that reminds me what happened between you and that Twilight chick?"
Upon hearing this my ears perked up a bit,"What do you mean?"
"Wait so you don't remember?"
Honestly as soon as he said that I tried to pull out any memories of what happened last night. Its not like there's a dead body covered in vomit to jog my memory. I remember going out drinking, but I don't really remember anything after that."Not really."
"Well if you can't remember that probably means nothing important happened. Well let me fill you in, Brave his lady and I came back to your house. They then proceeded to start fucking on your couch while I slept in your bathtub."
"Ah." I said.
"Hey can you go buy me some coffee for me man?"
"Why do you need coffee? You made tea."
"Because you can't mix liquor and tea you dumbass. Now go do it, I made you breakfast so its the least you can do."
I sighed, he did make me a pretty good breakfast. Plus i'd rather give in to Grimes now before he starts groping me some more threatening to shove himself in my small intestine.
"Alright, what do you want?" I asked.
"Get me just get me some coffee, black and full of sugar."
"Alright then."
I walked back up to my room and grabbed a small bag that acted as my wallet which was full of bits. I walked down stairs and walked back up to Grimes, "Oh and can you wake those two up and get that chick out of here." Grimes nodded his head,"Good.". I walked over to the door, opened it and walked outside.
I walked in the door of Donut Joe's Coffee House. I'd only been here twice, mostly after the craving for sugary treats was too much to handle, I would take the donuts home, eat a few and take a nap and let my mind drift off into a sugary safe haven away from big meanie editors and my parents asking what i'm doing with my life.
I was stuck in a line in front of the counters. There were 3 ponies in front of me, Caramel, Fluttershy, and...somepony else. I don't know she was white and she had her pink hair in sort of like a bun...I think thats what its called. She was wearing a nurse's cap so I assume she worked at the hospital.
Anyway the line went me, Fluttershy, the nurse, and Caramel. Fluttershy had no idea I was behind her and I intended to keep it that way. I don't know, I just wasn't feeling up to starting a conversation with one of Twilight's friends, or anybody at the moment.
Caramel was chatting it up with Donut Joe while the nurse was waiting impatiently behind him. I really didn't care if he kept talking all through the day, it was better than going back home to either talk to the stallion who deprived my couch of her innocence or get touched by the demon testicle massuese. All I wanted to do was get some coffee, go back to my place, and pass out. But life had other plans.
Out of boredom I cracked my neck to the right, emitting a crack much louder than you would expect. Apparently so loud that the yellow mare in front of me jumped a bit into the air. Once gravity made her go back down she turned around and looked at me.
Remember a while ago when I told you guys I had a middle school crush on her? Well now I remember why. She is like a bunch of hobos beating me over the head with fish, but instead of fish its cuteness. Just honestly looking at her made my heart melt away like ice cream in a volcano.
"Oh..um...hello Iceheart." Sweet silky celestia her voice. I forgot how utterly adorable she sounded. It was like a small fat puppy crawling up in my ear and cuddling with my cerebellum. I can't remember the last time I was assaulted with such cuteness.
"Um....um...I..Fluttershy." For some reason I could not stop stuttering and I could feel my cheeks get hot. Honestly looking back I probably looked as awkward as I was around her in middle school. Suddenly Fluttershy's face spelled out her confusion for why I was stuttering and blushing.
"Are you alright Iceheart?"
"Um.." I said awkwardly,"yeah i'm fine its just..." Suddenly I heard a very shrill scream from outside the doughnut shop. Then some squishy sounds than finally the body of a blue stallion flew through the window of the doughnut shop. Okay I was hoping for something to relieve the awkward yet adorable tension but that's just a bit much.
Alright I was really hoping for this to be the last chapter, but lately there really hasn't been much time for me to do any writing. This was all I had written in the past month and know that iv'e got more time it will take a little while to finish this. So again, sorry for the short chapter and i'll make sure the next one is longer.
